I
with james leto in bed and making out and hes saying or im saying kissing is like a massage and just making out forever in my brothers room in bed (where im sleeping) and maybe having sex at some point and getting louder and im realizing were at my parents house...
                         
                                                                        II
go to this big auditorium with sid and sara silk is there and running some kind of program, its kind of like a pipe and drape job, setting up for something or taking things down, the room is mostly empty, and i am helping out and hoping we are gonna bond i guess but she is runniong around in charge of things and very cold to me and i dont know why... at some point there is a big piece of fabric on the ground and i pick it up and fold it and she tells me i did it wrong and this is the only thing she says to me... and sid notices and says something about it to me like she really doesnt like me and we are unwanted there... then whatever is going on is over and she walks behind a temporary wall and gabby 9what is her last name) from highschool (dark hair olive skin her dad was my soccer coach) is saying we are all celebrities and there are a bunch of girls i went to high school with there and they are all doing some kind of video / photo shoot together and sara silk is standing on a taqble or spomething at the top of the group that are all gathered around together in this box set, rose lombardo is there and im not sure who else and they are doing this video skit celebrating how they are all famous and i am just looking on and its like they dont even see me or acknowledge me... and me and sid walk away and i am thinking well maybe its just a video for soul cycle and then remembering sara silk didnt even go to high school with me and feeling v dejected

walk into an outdoor cement area like the area outside the merrimack college gymnasium where we set up their graduation stage/lights...

rick st. denis is standing there and he has long flowing wavy dark hair, like a softer more flaxen howard stern hairdo...

i guess i know i am here to meet him but it feels like a suprise/ i am nervous / have trepidation about it

he takes me to some hotel room and tells me to get into the bed that i have to that he has to do something to me and i do it ( not against my will)

theres some kind of fantasy or thing hes saying as we have sex (almost like there is someone else there or involved)

and his penis is large, very big, and i never see it only feel it and somehow i know/feel that it is rounded off at the end, like it doesnt have the whole head part , like  a sawed off shotgun

(****the night before this irl i heard a live version of someone(?0 hav to look up) singing a song called you made me a woman i think about the first time a woman makes love and the lyrics came from her diary and shes talking on stage about it and i was thinking how bad my first time was and maybe this was some cosmic dream gift because the sex was good

right afterward rick gets up and leaves and goes somewhere and i want to keep having sex but when he comes back he wants to go the food court and i dont want to go to the food court and i am thinking about being direct and commanding the way he was with me vs. going to the food court where i fear he is going to get food and then pass out but this doesnt play through

IM in highschool and i've missed some kind of english class for like over a year and just remembered i have it and it switches around... laura garvey is on her way to the class and says its ok its a substitute and it has been for a while and i should come..

so i go to the class and the teacher is susan the receptionist from  riverside community care in cambridge and she is the original teacher not a substitute and when she sees me come in she says thank you for finally being here

you left me for weeks with no north pole and the south pole of chris canfield has been attacking the syllabus...( something to this affect something about poles) and i am remebering more about the situation as she says this

and chris canfield walks in down a long ramp with a descending wall on the side of it that faces the rest of the class room (and this is the entrance) and chris sees me and pushes into me as he goes by and he looks good

and i remember somehow for some reason in the classes i was gone chris started bringing something up and was saying the word nigger loudly in his argument and when he comes in he says something to susan

and we both leave the class

but in between somehow i see him with his girlfriend who is a chubby short blonde chick i havent seen before, and she is talking low to him and kissing the side of his face and he looks like its his mother doing it

we meet again in some kind of long closet eves place which i guess is my shared kind of attic studio with some other people and chris comes in after me and i try to jump him basically and he says he has a girlfriend and i know it but hes not in to her and we end up having sex kind of or are going to but he has a really small penis (i dont think its that small irl but idk!)

as we are getting clothed shuggy and maria martin walk in and they are kind of in an  argument but this is when i remember i'm in our shared studio space... its something shuggy did

we leave as they come in 

go over to matt stearns house for some kind of family party , his mom comes in, she looks young, has a lot of glossy straight long brown hair, 80s cut, sunglasses pushed over bangs

in matts room i guess and our legs end up touching , we are kinda nervous around each other, performative but then at times end up close together when im not paying attention

we make juices in little tupperware containers

someone named ed we know from emf, stoic guy with glasses, asks jarva land to play a show so we go out to this barn like a big indoor riding arena and i feel like ive been there before and salty greyhound are there and theyve been there before like maybe its in littleton

at the barn show something happens like ive gotten drunk but im having trouble stan ding and walking like my feet are just falling apart, bending at the ankle and stopping working

im wearing platform heels and take them off but my feet still stop working, bending at the ankles

at some point me and matt start making out and almost have sex but dont (because i remember

i am looking around the barn for my tupperware juices and getting my stuff together, i guess everyone there knows me

END up in a pow wow circle with some girl with glasses and my mom and others- girl in glasses is talking about comics and asking me if i ever made any and i show her some drawings/ comics i have and she says ya but they're not consecutive, she says have you ever finished any story line arc ?

and for some reason i get really pissed kind of start talking loud, kind of going off on this girl and trying to think what other comics i've done and then i remember the trash can and fire hydrant comics i did in watertown and i bring that up but i dont have them on me.. and she says something, like she doesnt get that its a comic about a trash can and a fire hydrant on the sidewalk and they never move and the comic always takes place in the same spot

its an existential comic and she doesn't get it or something and i kind of go off on her and i dont recognize her or know who she is

I

living in this house and somehow osman ozzy comes there out of nowhere and i'm remembering that his parents live in the house with us in the hall across from my room but then i remember that they actually moved,

he is there and im feeling his head trying to remember if hes balding or not but hes not (think im confusing him for a minute with north end ricky)

we have sex and go out together and i find him again but hes also not there forever and going back to turkey

i am with him at some point in a basement type room at his uncles house?

II

at some place that seems like a big gym at a school but is supposed to be the out of the blue and there are scattered few paintings up on the wall and not the best feeling like no ones into my paintings and the ones i have there are not the best but throws me back

to a 'memory' of being there when mike greenstein came in and only wanted to buy my paintings--

III.

outside kathryn tajimas car with her mother and sister and my mother and they are talking about how their step father was such a creep and would try to lick their faces and now they are talking about it and exposing him and i tell kathryn tajima 'im sorry but i didnt know !' and she says but i did know i knew that her stepfather chased her out of the house and i am wondering about my diaries and if its in there cuz i dont remember

IV

go to some country music show in a wooded type mall type theater showcase where everything is connected and wooden... with megan kelly  and irish dave and dave tree are there also and i dont realize its the country music awards that are happening but tickets are 100 dollars, im on the phon e with will and hes having some kind of event somewhere and im trying to stay on the phone with him but its hard to hear and when the phone dies its the old nokia brick phone and im trying to leave the country music award thing to go meet will, i use the bathroom there and i think - who else is there, ron from pro event ? some other guy i think is holding the door - but then an older black man with a doo rag comes in when im done but before i leave the stall... and a band is up front in this bar part starting to play and the guy sounds like dave tree and i tell dave tree that cuz hes right next to me and the guy is saying the song titles to his songs and one is 'picasso' and they all sound familiar-- dace tree says theyre gonna play at his place soon

3/7/2017

john hopper maccallum shows me  a 'video' of paige in an asian orgy . i look at her and she sees me looking and pulls out of the scene and puts me in a pool where i start swimming.

i am with frankas and he is drunk , we are at the space then we are at my parents place. i am asking hin to make love to me, we dont.

i am observing frankas jenny and karen zanes doing a song in room 3 at emf

Last night eating pizza, at some kind of outdoor party family party kind of thing with barns or clubhouses and a big yard going between, reminds me of Mary lees house or a scene in the vs ysitters club, Jonathan is there... Eating pizza, lots of pizza different kinds different slices of pizza and I am eating one with vegetables tasting very good

Night before last I am sleeping with frankas only he doesn't look like frankas he looks kind of like Ben katzman and there are two other people we sleep with together and he likes to sleep with those people together with us and not just me and I am getting upset...

Night before that I am sleeping with my father but frankas is there also somewhat peripherally and I realize within the dream what is going on , seemingly become lucid 

Somewhere I also have a dream with Sarah Lyle at a restaurant type deal at a table with a white tablecloth, catching up on since she's been married and maybe she gets drunk?

^ am very glad to wake up last two nights and realize I've been dreaming and the waking reality is different

had sex with frankas and then had to have sex with rp for some reason or there was a quick shift in the fabric of time in any case these things happened one after the other and then i realized more clearly and crawled back to frankas and he may have been upset

Dave tree is wearing the pink parrotise shirt we bought rap for Xmas at savers, I only really notice he was wearing it after he leaves. He comes into Eriks room at my parents house and me and rp are staying there. There is a wind chime metal thing with metal strings and blue glass in the left hand corner of the room and before we were hanging it across the room but when Dave comes in it is hanging straight down in the corner, I tell him I wanted it to go across the room. I tell him I do whatever I am doing for rp at the moment for other people too like frankezoid (which is what I mean) but I say luch. Before he comes and we are In this room I am somewhere with the frankezoid, almost like we all live together in a series of dilapidated mansions or the same big house, he has some quarters in this house but they seem abandoned or something. Briefly it is the idea of sone other nicer living somewhere, a building with glass windows and the building is like a cliff face to a beach below it and the weather is wArm. Also some kind of arcade maybe near there briefly. Rp and I almost having sex right before I wake up, we have been fooling around in bed and are going to do it but then Stephen is there and we are seeing whether or not he'll notice if we have sex right in front of hi. But in a blanket on the floor - I wake up

Dreaming I'm with Paige and maybe Meaghan Cannon, Lindsay. We are in L.A. and all take Molly and go to this restaurant only I haven't really taken enough of it and forget that everyones getting high and go between just trying to be at the restaurant and act normal and trying to take more molly because I remember we're doing drugs.
I think maybe I am there to film a show.
Ate too much the night before and feel uncomfortable in the dreams.
Somebody thats supposed to be Vince in a way but isn't is more like someone else from somewhere, some red-headed guy, younger than Vince. Sort of a woodsy swimmer character. I sleep with him in a chair and we have a weird kind of relationship. Afterwards I think its Vince.
Someone saying something about my lips how I have nice lips or big lips.

I am going to a big bed somewhere to sleep with Will and then I remember I have my period and tell him and he turns into Olga and goes to the other end of  the bed and says he doesn't have sex on his period.

I am on some weird kind of cruise with my parents and my brother at first. Then it turns to me and Rick sharing a room and having sex. And I know somewhere else that morning I had had sex with Will and then left for this cruise. We have sex a few times and every time I come back into bed he is wearing a different outfit and they are all very stylish and unexpected for Rick. It seems a bit like he's been living in Charleston since I've moved away and he's changed a lot but I'm not sure why I'm falling back into things with him. There are two small ginger children in the room who we don't address at first. At the end of the dream we ask them who they are and they say they are twins. I'm a little unsure of whether we've been having sex in front of or in the same room as them. This is after Rick and I have just had sex again and I'm hurting but know its partly because I also had sex that morning...and when we have sex this time he doesn't put a condom on or something and gets sperm on the carpet and so I've gone out to get something to clean it with and when I come back in is when we talk to the ginger children. We are sharing a cruise ship suite with at least my parents and possibly them but its unsure.


Angelina Jolie or Branwen comes over and leaves with a plastic bag and in it one of Paul's boxes of Chex cereal.

I am working at Channel and my job is to take these little boxes with a little pig inside of each of them and put them down something or smash them, something which in some way kills the little pig inside of the box and I can't do it and I have to tell Tammie that I can't do it even though I want to do what she wants me to.

the ron jeremy/ danny devito dream: saturday the 25th

(sleeping over at ricky's)

I am living in a little apartment with my grandmother but Sharon also lives there. Sometimes I feel like I need to be doing something and I'm not sure what my role vs Sharon's role is supposed to be in taking care of my grandmother.

At some point I get involved with this guy who has Danny Devito's size and body-type but who looks like Ron Jeremy and acts sort of like a pornstar-gangster. He has a latkey who is a skinny little gay dude who looks almost albino with white blonde hair. They come into my room or I am in their room or the two things become one but I don't think we leave the house where my grandmother, Sharon, and I live. It seems like Ronny Devito convinces me of something at first and then he leaves.

After he leaves I am left alone with the gay albino and we are left to sort of feel each other out. The room we are in sort of turns into my parents bedroom. He asks me if I want to do cocaine with him and I say ok but then while he is cutting it up I get involved in something else...I think maybe I am rolling a joint. He cuts up a bunch of lines and then he does all of them. I had noticed before that he had been doing cocaine and when I see him after I realize he's a bit of a cokehead.
He starts shivering and rocking back and forth on the carpet and I think I am concentrating again on rolling the joint but he suddenly says "hey" to me and I look up. He asks me if I will come over and sit next to him and so I go over and sit next to him and put my arms around him and we rock back and forth and I feel like I suddenly understand him and am glad he is able to ask me to be there, it is a very innocent moment.

Then something happens and I'm not sure the exact time sequence. At some point Ronny Devito comes back and then we are back in the small room in the Sharon-grandma apartment. Ronny Devito is having sex with me and I'm not sure why but I feel like I've become part of some deal or something. It isn't exactly something I'm into but I don't feel like its horrible either.

Then Ricky shows up and we are somewhere else altogether, maybe out, but the environment isn't as clear. We start having sex and it is good and I feel like I've had some kind of sexual realization or discovery, maybe about orgasming. We are together and happy.

Then I am transported back to the little room where Ronny Devito had sex with me and no one is there but all their stuff is there (I guess they had stuff) and I suddenly remember about how they came in and what happened and I start to feel horrible about it and I don't know how I'll get out of the situation. I feel as if I need to run away even though I think that the room was originally my room. I decide that I will need to leave this place.

Right before I wake up I am realizing I just agreed to have a threesome with Nathan and Caroline and a girl we found on the internet? I go into the bathroom to collect myself and accidentally drop a towel in the toilet. Around that time I realize I am dreaming and don't have to go through with thee threesome and I wake up.
Nathan and Caroline and the girl are all in the living room I was just in sitting on a big gymnastic mat on the floor. Nathan gives the rules of the threesome very stoically about how you can engage and who you can engage with and one at a time and this and that.

Before this I meet Erin in a super-store or a mall. Its more like a big glass building with all different little rooms with different items in them, maybe the same as the place I met her before but it feels different. She shows me a video someone took of me because they thought I was related to her family I think? When I cam to a party or event...or maybe they thought I was her. In the video I am riding up an escalator and I look fat, not gigantically fat, but fat in the way that I realize that I'm actually fatter than I think I am. Through the dreams after that I feel self-conciously fat.

Erin and I go into a little nook at the end of one of the halls in the mall up a few steps, it is a "used book store" but more like a small room of books or the James library. Erin is looking for a Shakespeare book which she finds almost immediately. I see a Calvin and Hobbes book on display I've never seen before and want to buy it but forget. There is another one opposite it as well. The illustrations on the cover look like earlier Calvin drawings and both books have aggressive sort of tongue-in-cheek violent titles...one says something about bombs. I remember later I forgot to buy the book.

first time sleeping over at americo's:

I am with Rico in the dream, only he looks like a scrawny b-boy ala andrew henrickson and is less mature, I believe. I think we have sex. We are in Mergellina in Naples by the boardwalk or somewhere that seems alot like that. We go to a party or something and his ex-girlfriends are everywhere and I start to feel a little insecure. Wherever we are, he knows everyone and I don't know anyone. We end up in his house, he has an apartment ala the au pair apartment attached to the back of that big old house on main street in Norwell. His family lives in the main house and he has a bunch of sisters. They all talk in front of me and are clearly suspicious of our relationship...I don't know if it is because of his last girlfriend or our age difference. His mom starts questioning me and I end up lying about having been confirmed and have to make up a lie about my confirmation party which somehow unravels my story and everyone knows I am lying. At some point his mom hands me a little black baby that looks like steve erkel. The baby is wearing suspenders.

When I wake up I see Rico and half-asleep kiss him and say "you're so much better in real-life".
After I fall back asleep I say "don't do it" out loud because Rico says "what?" and I realize I was talking. I don't know if I said anything else.

catchup dream excerpts from the past month

in one dream i am looking at a one or two bedroom apartment in charleston and thinking how beautiful it is and how much i want to live there but then i realize i have no money and i dont know how ill pay for it and i consideer trying to rent it for one month only.

in another dream i've forgotten to lock the doors and i come home and the living room (at nane's) is completely wiped out, nothing in it at all and i realize that someone came in and stole everything and that it was all my fault. i am so scared. then andy comes and says oh well, we couldnt sell any of that stuff anyway. i am very upset with myself.

in another dream i've slept with someone, maybe anson and then i am on a bus with will or an airplane and i keep trying to talk to him and grab his sleeve but he won't talk to me.


* in other news i saw a dream interpreter on the tyra show who said that a house in dreams is supposed to represent oneself!

i dream that me and anson are in his bed and have just had sex and are both naked. then will comes in and and sits down and me and him have sex. i sortof forget that anson is still there and i sortof dont notice we're having sex and think maybe no one else is noticing. then afterwards i feel bad and sit down in the room and start talking to anson. will sits up and keeps falling asleep and snoring. anson says something about how he has timing like me and i say yeah like fucking retarted and i mean it affectionately but will wakes up and has just heard me talking about him and doesnt get how i meant it.