few days ago - flea market - mom friends - waiting - crying

random dream fragments from the past few weeks;

growing another toenail under my big toenail


few days ago;

at some kind of big flea market with lots of outdoor vendoors almost like a festival and im there with my mother and maybe chris is there somewhere and some other people or friends are there with us too but im there with my mom and standing there waiting for chris or whoever isnt there who is wandering around --- and i dont want to go anywhere for some reason, i just want to wait---

and then all the outdoor booths are closing and its something like the marshfield fair and suddenly i want to go around and look at everything i missed--- and i can feel all the booths closing down all around me and i can see them somehow--- and i start crying and getting hysterical , feeling like i missed it all --- and getting upset at my mother like its her fault 

coriander and i are getting ready to go to new york. it happens very quickly. i dont have time to pack anything. and i forget my coat. i am worried it might be too cold but i just have a bunch of random stuff with me and not enough time to go through it. we are standing on the platform waiting for the train to new york. matt from dead trains is there. i guess we have some show opportunity last minute and are leaving for that. i am worried i left my coat and my pills in my coat and i dont know how long we are going to new york.

a train whistles like its coming in. coriander starts running and i follow her. we run up to another platform where we are going to catch the train and she runs on the train and i am running behind her but just as she gets on the train the door closes and the train leaves.

i am devastated. i dont know what to do. i have a phone but no one calls me.

i go up to the box office ticket window and the guy inside is mexican and seems like he doesn't speak. i ask him when the next train to new york comes and he holds up 7 fingers and i start to cry. he is smiling and then shakes his head like he is just kidding and holds up 2 fingers.

i keep waiting for the next train to come in a panic and feeling anxious.

I am freaked out knowing I am dreaming, lucid in the reality of dreaming

Woke up and ate pasta and chocolate cake early in the am (real time)

Feverish lucid dream nightmares I was struggling to wake up from, testing my dreams to know I was dreaming, knew I was dreaming and could not change dreams or seem to wake up for a long time

Looking for frankas and trying to tell him I was dreaming, something like drugs or alcohol getting involved, going to meet alvan or find frankas to go to the cat power show

Get to the cat power show and no one is there and I go outside, there are people there but not alvan or frankas, some Russian girl with blonde hair I am kind of in charge of

Leave the show and get stuck/lost in a food court, my mother is there

Forgetting about time or realizing its dream time which is different and realize I might be missing the cat power show

Get back to the cat power show and I've missed the whole thing and I am so upset and crying and devastated

Go in and it is like a rounded amphitheater seating with all permanent seating kind of like where neutral milk hotel played but smaller you can get right to the stage and cat power is there

She looks so happy and healthy and clean like a flower girl and she has just finished and is handing out some kind of flyer to people

I go up to near the front row and she hands me a poster flyer and touches my arm and says I am a special girl

I try to be happy and am happy and so happy to see her but still so upset I missed the show

Back outside to the food court my mother is there and the blonde Russian girl my mother is with some other people and is leaving I haven't eaten yet and it's all street food carts I see a cart selling perogies

And want a perogies, my mother gives me money and I get a perogies ( they also have big stuffed and fried habanero peppers which iwant to ask how much are they but don't and don't get one) 

There is a blonde guy who is at the perogies stand and starts talking about how insane it is the perogies cost 7 dollars a piece and it's only 200 calories and like drinking water to him

But the perogies is a giant perogies and I am eating it very slowly while he is talking to me and enjoying it immensely 

I remember I told therussian girl we would get a drinkir she wanted to get a drink and I wasn't sure if she meant an alcoholic drink or not, I don't get back to her before I wake up

When I wake up I am so glad thecat power show has not happened yet in real life I was trying together out of that dream for so long

One

I should have just enjoyed meeting her there

(real life- my mom comes in the room and says it is 11:00) i am

asleep in norwell dreaming that my mom has not woken me up and is letting me sleep late

too late and i wake up and i am going to miss asian lady therapy

and there is no way i can make it there

and i am so angry and crying and yelling and all

at my mom

(real life- my mom comes in and says it is 11:30)
( i woke up at 12:00 and made it to asian lady therapy exactly on time)

I I am in prison with my brother or Travis and for some reason I've got all this stuff and I keep getting all the stuff together to go when they

let us out and feeling like i am going to miss when they let us out

and i have all this stuff like all these clothes and knick knacks and not sure why i have all this stuff

when i know i am in prison and not sure how i got here but like i just got put in and theres been almost a mistake and they must be letting me out

the prison cell is more like a dorm room or elderly rehab or nursing home center room

and i am sharing it with my brother or travis
and then this elderly black lady comes in and she is sharing it too

and we are not quite getting along maybe

i am trying to make sure i dont miss whern they let me out and maybe will miss it if im in the cafeteria

feel like im always missing breakfast but making it to lunch and fearing i will miss when they let me out

while i am in the cafeteria at lunch

and worried about being in prison i guess

aND THEN somehow i realize that i will be getting paid for all this time ive spent in prison it is

almost like a paid vacation or closer to unemployment because somehow i realize

i will get money for the time, weeks, ive spent here

and i start to feel not so bad about it


but i dont remember getting let out