october 10 2021

 sleeping over at billy arrias house, some kind of party going on , and im sleeping all by myself up in some room in a comfy bed with my rabbit under the covers

and i wake up and talk to billy

in between scenes of us at college together in a classroom with the desks and chairs that are all one piece and laura garvey talking

and me being friends with laura garvey somehow because of billy and appreciating her

and then billy is gone somewhere leaves suddenly or something and im in this small wood paneled bar somewhere and i have to pee

and a little folding door opens and billy walks out and hes with someone else there too and im so happy to see him to find him and i hug him

and then im trying to use the bathroom but the door keeps sliding open and they are seeing me trying to pee and laughing at me

then billy hugs me from behind and it feels good and he goes to grope my breast

(irl his ig pops up with a story post and i tell him he was in my dream and a good presence, thinking about him in a different way than i ever have before , weird & interesting)

group home will ukulele john cremona

go somewhere where austin is living and it is like a group home and almost like my grandmother is living there, there is a long hallway that has a kitchen and a social area and all the rooms are connected to that

will shows up there and his girlfriend is there with him and i love his girlfriend and she is really sweet and nice and kooky and trying to do some kind of experiment in the bathroom, she seems very young like a little kid

and will is there and we are really getting along and i can tell he loves me and the girlfriend doesn't seem to mind but he is touching me through my clothes and im suprised the girlfriend seems so cool and doesn't mind and wonder if they are broken up and just friends now

but its clear if we were alone it would be different it would be more

its some kind of party at the group home


then im on the street with a ukulele with john cremona in new york and we go into this little wooden divey music bar (maybe its the bitter end) and a girl with a guitar sings a song

and i run out because i want to write the song down and try to do the same thing on ukulele but i just run to the other side of the bar not outside and when i come back john cremona is outside and said he cant take the vibe in there in not so many words

and i go back in and there is a short man with a mustache or a goattee asking for a cover charge now and i say i left my wine in there cuz i did (red wine) and he is grabbing me by the arm immediately and barely lets me in to get the wine so i see how the vibe changed and i go find my wine and a guy there is about to pick it up and i say 'thats my wine' and take it and he is very hurt by this and i apologize several times to him

then jonathan and laura garvey show up in the room and they are with this guy (and i vaguely realize the guy is supposed to be matt lawrence and maybe is hurt that i didnt recognize him ? and where did this come from?-- possibly from talking to his mom in waking life who works at the public library ?)

and then sitting in a circle on the floor with jonathan and laura garvey and matt lawrence and then laura garvey wants to teach me some traditional song on ukulele and my ukulele had only 2 strings and i pick it up and a string falls off so it has only one string

and i go outside to talk to john cremona 

I

living in this house and somehow osman ozzy comes there out of nowhere and i'm remembering that his parents live in the house with us in the hall across from my room but then i remember that they actually moved,

he is there and im feeling his head trying to remember if hes balding or not but hes not (think im confusing him for a minute with north end ricky)

we have sex and go out together and i find him again but hes also not there forever and going back to turkey

i am with him at some point in a basement type room at his uncles house?

II

at some place that seems like a big gym at a school but is supposed to be the out of the blue and there are scattered few paintings up on the wall and not the best feeling like no ones into my paintings and the ones i have there are not the best but throws me back

to a 'memory' of being there when mike greenstein came in and only wanted to buy my paintings--

III.

outside kathryn tajimas car with her mother and sister and my mother and they are talking about how their step father was such a creep and would try to lick their faces and now they are talking about it and exposing him and i tell kathryn tajima 'im sorry but i didnt know !' and she says but i did know i knew that her stepfather chased her out of the house and i am wondering about my diaries and if its in there cuz i dont remember

IV

go to some country music show in a wooded type mall type theater showcase where everything is connected and wooden... with megan kelly  and irish dave and dave tree are there also and i dont realize its the country music awards that are happening but tickets are 100 dollars, im on the phon e with will and hes having some kind of event somewhere and im trying to stay on the phone with him but its hard to hear and when the phone dies its the old nokia brick phone and im trying to leave the country music award thing to go meet will, i use the bathroom there and i think - who else is there, ron from pro event ? some other guy i think is holding the door - but then an older black man with a doo rag comes in when im done but before i leave the stall... and a band is up front in this bar part starting to play and the guy sounds like dave tree and i tell dave tree that cuz hes right next to me and the guy is saying the song titles to his songs and one is 'picasso' and they all sound familiar-- dace tree says theyre gonna play at his place soon

Go with Travis to some other state where some friends of his are living, warm, I've never been before, maybe Florida or Mexico...

His friends all live in this house and I guess he used to live there, he gets upset at his friend mentioning something because he wants it for himself and I describe to his friend how he's mad at whatever his friend said he did because Travis thinks his friend should have done it for HIM. He looks at me some weird way and I kind f beat him up and he is being dramatic about it. 

I go out to go fishing with his friends on the dock and they are saying how they fish is called something bombs and they are talking about how where they are is more like Missouri than where it really is.

They fish by throwing apples into the water of this lake like area, some kind of channel. We are standing in the water with the dock beneath our feet and the water up to our chests at least. They throw the apples in the water and wait for the fish to bite the apples and then try to catch the fish. 

I am watching this and something brushes my leg and I look down into the water and it is a manatee! Lots of manatees in the lake and I want to go and swim with them but I'm not sure what else is in the lake so I don't do it. I am thinking of Frankas and wishing he is here, but somehow I know he is at home with my parents.

I leave heir house with Rachael Hayes and her friend to go to some show out at this bar. There. Are curvy neon sign lined streets kind of like New Orleans or something. I am talking to some dudes at the bar. I have all kinds of art supplies on me. Rachael and her friend want to leave and I take a long time putting all my art supplies together in my bag before i meet them outside. There is some bar we wanted to go to on the way back. We decide we are still going to go.

Some other scene with Frankas at my parents house or something.

travis and i are on tour. maybe someone else is with us also. someone is there when we get there, maybe jacki maynard, she is so excited that we are there and running around and wants to go next door. i guess we have played here before.

right before i wake up there is this other band playing in ernie paulins room, i think out of speakers and they are singing "somethin something something, SON,  well im the devil on the run" and i am thinking this song and this band is so good and wishing i wrote this song (although maybe i did)

we drive to the venue in a car and it is far away, maybe austin texas and we meet up with ernie paulin who we are staying with. the venue is one room that seems less like an actual venue and more like a dark empty room with no chairs and it is connected to a bar. i am drinking during the performance.

afterwards we are at ernie paulins and i notice which i noticed before he has long black scraggly hair, but at his apartment i see his hair on the sofa and realize its a wig. he is ranting about who is taking care of me? and all this stuff as if i need a babysitter or something, very brotherly like but tongue in cheek. i am eating cheetos out of my backpack and remembering i have a piece of pizza somewhere which i have been saving and thinking i should eat it. i am sitting on the floor in this dark room of his apartment and travis is on the couch. i keep asking him questions and he is acting like he cant be bothered but he is very manic like pacing around and funny. i ask him how many people live in the house? he says 17. he says he knew i forgot something while i was performing because i was drinking. i said i didnt forget anything. travis loks delighted at ernie. it is almost like a blacklight room. he goes up to the wall at some point and touches this wooden block that has something printed on it and is sticking out of the wall. the wood block wiggles like it is made out of sensitive flimsy rubber. i want to investigate it but i don't get up. i decide i will check it out later. then the song comes on (i can see the band in my mind but i am still in the room).

then my birth control alarm goes off

I am at some kind of lesbian parade and maybe dressed like Amy wine house but there are other girls definitely dressed like amywinehouse and trying to impersonate her and sing like her but also crying and I'm not sure what I'm doing there or if I'm trying to sing like Amy wine house or if I'm just mourning her and hoping to see her- I leave the parade and go to this kind of sea side bar big open room and Jonathan is there and Lindsay and my psychiatric nurse Tara, Jonathan is talking about this Mexican place we love to go to in the city and we decide we will all go and we get there and there is some kind of new drink which is bright red and called something. That begins with an s and very strong. I am thinking whether I should get the new drink or a regular margarita. The new drink is on a pedestal in the bar and I guess Jonathan's goi g to get it. I am worried we will get the psychiatric nurse too drunk and I see her eyes crossing.

Before I find Jonathan or around the same time Mars Jupiter is there and we go to some upstairs outdoor beach bar and he is thinking we are going on a date or something and I have to leave to avoid him.

When frankas is falling asleep he is going no no no and I ask him what's happening and he says someone was trying to stick fingers up his butt

Jason tedeschi comes over my house for some reason there are three beers in my parents basement that we share one in an Oscar Schmidt but it is really that other kind of beer that maybe begins with an o and has cursive writing on it and is someone like Oscar Schmidt (the guitar) but not - my parents are out of town

I have to leave to go and meet Sara silk and her friend Lisa and some of her other friends at this movie bar somewhere in hull and I drive from my parents house it is a bar with a movie theater attached and you get drinks and then go into the movie, we are playing around doing improv and when Lisa does improv with Sara Sara gets right up in her face as she's speaking like touching her face with her face and it is very funny and I like hanging out wi them I am somewhat worried about drinking and driving and being neurotic 

Another sequence before that I am washing nane in a bathtub , we are at her house and my mom and dad are there and we are all in the bathroom and washing her and she is going under the water and they are saying she is ok and I pull the drain and she comes up for air and she says this is why I want you to live with me or this is why you are my friend because I'm going blurb bluh blurb bluh blurb bluh blurb down there and then she breathes deeply and says happy new year everybody! And in that moment I think she seems like Marilyn Monroe

go to this bar somewhere in connecticut

with the frankazoid

will is there he is surprised /naturalized to see me   he is the only person

i seem to know there         playing some kind of instrumental set

he comes here from new york to play sometimes he says

maybe we are also  supposed to play? but i don't think we are

weird sexual occurrences

will says he used to think something on the guitar that franks thinks was the way to go

i am going somewhere foreign to sleep

they are both trying to lick me or something at the same time     i think


i have come here with frankas  and will is making moves

and frankas is getting upset

and i am not sure how i feel


perhaps  #overhwelmed 

was with Kaz at a bar someplace else (southern?) if it doesnt connect to the dream before it / foreign if it does...

before it seems like we all got here on some group destination and i believe we took a boat, lindsay is there, and everyone is talking about what time the liquor store closes and i guess its early....

i am vaguely worrying about money and wondering if i still have a nip half full of whiskey in my pocket

we are at the bar and going to set up.. i guess we are coming here to play? that is when Kaz is here and it seems more southern... he takes a coca cola and whiskey from the bar and we split it...\

then everyone has to pay and there is some confusion and kaz is telling the waitress what he took from the bar like he knows the place already

other people are uptight and he tells them how we'll all pay for each other

i am glad he is there

he sees how people around me are questioning everything i do (this description may be a bit of a waking projection) and starts asking me about how im living/working with them

it seems to be about music

Its a kind of high school scene. I am walking around-- no I've gone camping, first with Erin Leslie Uncle Andy  and Aunt Carol. First we are at a house getting ready to go. Erin seems very upbeat and so does Leslie. I have to pee in an uncomfortable way. When I am in the bathroom Aunt Carol is putting on makeup in the mirror and is half naked and a very beautiful woman. She looks like someone else. I am trying to remember what she is supposed to be like. Then we are sitting at a picnic table outside the camping house and there is a tent in the yard and I wonder if we've really camped or not that night because I've never actually been camping before (true). At the picnic table it is more like work and Beth is there or I go to meet Beth at the bar and then she is there and we get bright colored juice drinks like I got from the Carribean man at the Veggie Fest in Roxbury (real life). She is ordering food and I think the bartender looks at me weird like maybe I am going to eat her french fries. I am acutely aware that I have no money. Someone else comes to the bar and it may be Greice. 

I go to a bar that is sort of outside kind of like that place in charleston that looks like a gas station...

first i go here or i go to the olsens house- i see bobby olsen and bryan gaynor. bobby and kiley are there and bobby's mom is there so it must be their house. we are all sitting at a table having a sort of formal dinner in a way. I am trying to impress Bobby. Its almost as if I'd gone to new york in the first part of the dream but then we are at bobby's and its as if bobby has moved home and has been living in his mothers house for a long time. It seems like he doesnt have a real job and sort of relies on other people to pay for him when he goes out but he still pulls it off in a charming way. When we are at the dinner table his mom puts out this big ornate book and asks if I know of John Berryman and I say "The dreamsongs?" and then she shows me the book and it is the dreamsongs but the font and jacket are crazy ornate and i couldnt have read it before. I am sitting next to bobby and wonder if his mom and me getting along impresses him.
"

then we go out to the bar and its more like we're in new york. Paige and Meghann and Sinclair all show up and are wearing like bikinis and fur coats and hanging off things and running around, but its like I can't really be there. I am still trying to get Bobby to let on if he likes me or not and I am telling maybe Bryan or whoever I'm with how these are my friends but I don't remember talking to them. They had called me before or something but its like because of where I am I can't have fun the way that they are, even though it seems like we are in the same place.