october 10 2021

 sleeping over at billy arrias house, some kind of party going on , and im sleeping all by myself up in some room in a comfy bed with my rabbit under the covers

and i wake up and talk to billy

in between scenes of us at college together in a classroom with the desks and chairs that are all one piece and laura garvey talking

and me being friends with laura garvey somehow because of billy and appreciating her

and then billy is gone somewhere leaves suddenly or something and im in this small wood paneled bar somewhere and i have to pee

and a little folding door opens and billy walks out and hes with someone else there too and im so happy to see him to find him and i hug him

and then im trying to use the bathroom but the door keeps sliding open and they are seeing me trying to pee and laughing at me

then billy hugs me from behind and it feels good and he goes to grope my breast

(irl his ig pops up with a story post and i tell him he was in my dream and a good presence, thinking about him in a different way than i ever have before , weird & interesting)

I

living in this house and somehow osman ozzy comes there out of nowhere and i'm remembering that his parents live in the house with us in the hall across from my room but then i remember that they actually moved,

he is there and im feeling his head trying to remember if hes balding or not but hes not (think im confusing him for a minute with north end ricky)

we have sex and go out together and i find him again but hes also not there forever and going back to turkey

i am with him at some point in a basement type room at his uncles house?

II

at some place that seems like a big gym at a school but is supposed to be the out of the blue and there are scattered few paintings up on the wall and not the best feeling like no ones into my paintings and the ones i have there are not the best but throws me back

to a 'memory' of being there when mike greenstein came in and only wanted to buy my paintings--

III.

outside kathryn tajimas car with her mother and sister and my mother and they are talking about how their step father was such a creep and would try to lick their faces and now they are talking about it and exposing him and i tell kathryn tajima 'im sorry but i didnt know !' and she says but i did know i knew that her stepfather chased her out of the house and i am wondering about my diaries and if its in there cuz i dont remember

IV

go to some country music show in a wooded type mall type theater showcase where everything is connected and wooden... with megan kelly  and irish dave and dave tree are there also and i dont realize its the country music awards that are happening but tickets are 100 dollars, im on the phon e with will and hes having some kind of event somewhere and im trying to stay on the phone with him but its hard to hear and when the phone dies its the old nokia brick phone and im trying to leave the country music award thing to go meet will, i use the bathroom there and i think - who else is there, ron from pro event ? some other guy i think is holding the door - but then an older black man with a doo rag comes in when im done but before i leave the stall... and a band is up front in this bar part starting to play and the guy sounds like dave tree and i tell dave tree that cuz hes right next to me and the guy is saying the song titles to his songs and one is 'picasso' and they all sound familiar-- dace tree says theyre gonna play at his place soon

Frankas leaves me sleeping in room 04 and then two young boys come in the room. 

They are talking to each other and do not notice me past the divider.

One notices me and then they leAve the room. I think maybe I am dreaming them that they were there but realize I 'am not dreaming' when they come back in wi Frankas. I start to yell at them for being in the room and looking at Frankas but realize he has told them they can come in. He is being nice to them and asking them questions. 

I am mad he let them in there when I was sleeping and follow him when he leaves the room out to the bland entrance and throw the wood thing that holds the newspapers at him down the stairs.

We walk through some woods and a trai. Track and find this neat little dead end street with the old train track being the street, dead end on one side and on the other side a little shop. They are playing Elvis outside in one of the houses on the street and a guy walks by singing the Elvis song (this is actually later when I go back to the street) -

The first time, we go into the shop and it is a little middle eastern shop and there is a rabbit , white and black with short little ears hopping around the shop.

We go back again and are talking to a girl that works there, ,aye I am asking about getting a job, she takes me out back down the train track street and to a bug hutch where there are 5 or 6 big fluffy lop eared rabbits inside. I ask her and a mother woman who is there whether it is protocol to let the short eared rabbit live inside and keep all the lop eared ones outside. She said she doesn't really take them out of the hutch and she says yes, this is what most people do. She says the rabbits outside get better food though and some other things.

With Frankas and he puts his hair up Ina bun and he has different hair and really becomes a different person, tAller, thinner, looks slightly like Vince and like that guy who was in film school that I made out with at the party at Lindsay's cousins house in Boston we went to, with Chelsea?

I am looking at him, trying to place him. Then he takes his hair down and i realize he is Frankas again.

Walking around emf and open the door to the 2nd floor bathroom and there is a girl in there I recognize from some time before and she looks passed out but I notice she is scratching at a spot on her upper back thigh before I close the door.

I go back in room 04 and there are even more boys in there and they are all lying like sardines on the bed roll with blankets on them watching something on the projection screen. I talk to them and it turns out they are some kind of computer engineers. I ask them how old they are and they tell me they are 16.

I am on a journey some kind of art tour with Antonia and coriander and we are on a big bus with other people on the bus also who are not on the art tour. I can see the art in the bathrroom, sometimes the bus seems bigger than a bus and more like a building by the large bathrooms which we have been doing art in, there is lots of black, big birds on paper and the birds are colorful neon like primary neon color with black painted all over the background and Antonia has some pieces of hers like this too with lots of black negative space. We are on the bus and we stop and stay at Amanda's house and I think thrones grandma lives there too and some other women and not sure if Amanda is there but don't think she is, there are big oriental rugs curling up at the edges of the room laid out in the bedroom, the rooms are large, and all the furniture and furnishings in the room are wrapped and covered in brown paper, I am looking around and thinking whe does Amanda sleep and thinking she stayed in the other room. I use the bathroom and in the bathroom there is shit on the floor by the toilet and I am guessing it is to do with something like one of the women is kind of crazy, like they'd are living in poverty but the house is nice and there doesn't seem enough reason for it to be that way...I am trying to use the mirror or the toilet and avoid the shit and its very disturbing to be in there

We get back on the bus and somewhere the bus stops and I know it is San Francisco and I get off the bus and call anson thinking maybe he will show up right there and meet my friends and he answers but hangs up quick and I don't see him I realize Antonia and coriander aren't with me and I've gotten off the bus thinking we must be changing buses but maybe we weren't- I get on the next bus and somehow a while later we all realize we're on the same bus again..

We're making art in a house and then I see the paintings on paper the black and neon birds and Antonia's pieces fractal pieces hanging up on a wall very tight and close together like maybe we're having an art show..

I am working at the cafe only it is different, more beachy, like raffael's in a way and there is an upstairs and LA LA is still working there. I am doing a lot for them and running around and maybe getting yelled at, so I end up opting on going upstairs where there is some kind of school for kids and people my age with problems and special needs. Hannah (Rob's ex ) is there. I'm not sure if I go at first to join them but they all gravitate toward me right away. I am with a few of them and then one in a white kind of straight jacket grabs me and lays me down with him on a chair but in a sweet way of being like "i like you.be my friend. take a nap."everyone in the main room is sitting in chairs in a half circle curved and faced toward the front of the room away from the door. Now I remember- I had to use the bathroom and kept trying to bring it up but didn't know where it was. When the straight jacket guy has me the flip-flop guy Mansfield from the cafe comes in and eyes us and says "yeah he's got you." Hannah is in the hall after I use the bathroom and she is nice to me then.

While being there I seem to remember something like Greice was saying they had been sent there before, as if it were a kind of punishment.

Joyce asks me to get something from a wooden shelf suspended near the ceiling of the restaurant. To get down I have to climb down a ladder and I do it the wrong way which Joyce points out. I  think I am going to      fall but then I let the ladder fall gently and land on my feet.

Tammie is sitting on the stairs blocking my way. These are different stairs, like at Devons house in a way. She is wearing a big pink fur coat and I start singing Macy Gray at her and she laughs.

When I am up the stairs finally into the attic La La pops her head out and Tammie says something and we both sing "Shes a lady, wo-o-oh she's a lady" and think its very funny.

Right before I wake up I am with Max in Ricks's bathroom in Charleston. I had a brand new computer and its sitting on the blue stool from my parents house outside the shower (and I see now we're in the upstairs bathroom of my parents house). The computer is covered in water and I start getting upset and then Max comes in and I realize the computer is actually smashed on the top and then I realize the computer is actually a microwave and I don't care anymore.

Its a kind of high school scene. I am walking around-- no I've gone camping, first with Erin Leslie Uncle Andy  and Aunt Carol. First we are at a house getting ready to go. Erin seems very upbeat and so does Leslie. I have to pee in an uncomfortable way. When I am in the bathroom Aunt Carol is putting on makeup in the mirror and is half naked and a very beautiful woman. She looks like someone else. I am trying to remember what she is supposed to be like. Then we are sitting at a picnic table outside the camping house and there is a tent in the yard and I wonder if we've really camped or not that night because I've never actually been camping before (true). At the picnic table it is more like work and Beth is there or I go to meet Beth at the bar and then she is there and we get bright colored juice drinks like I got from the Carribean man at the Veggie Fest in Roxbury (real life). She is ordering food and I think the bartender looks at me weird like maybe I am going to eat her french fries. I am acutely aware that I have no money. Someone else comes to the bar and it may be Greice. 

Over the weekend I slept at Ryans and dreamed there was a door in his room that went to the bathroom so i wouldn't have to goout in the hall.

Right before I wake up I am realizing I just agreed to have a threesome with Nathan and Caroline and a girl we found on the internet? I go into the bathroom to collect myself and accidentally drop a towel in the toilet. Around that time I realize I am dreaming and don't have to go through with thee threesome and I wake up.
Nathan and Caroline and the girl are all in the living room I was just in sitting on a big gymnastic mat on the floor. Nathan gives the rules of the threesome very stoically about how you can engage and who you can engage with and one at a time and this and that.

Before this I meet Erin in a super-store or a mall. Its more like a big glass building with all different little rooms with different items in them, maybe the same as the place I met her before but it feels different. She shows me a video someone took of me because they thought I was related to her family I think? When I cam to a party or event...or maybe they thought I was her. In the video I am riding up an escalator and I look fat, not gigantically fat, but fat in the way that I realize that I'm actually fatter than I think I am. Through the dreams after that I feel self-conciously fat.

Erin and I go into a little nook at the end of one of the halls in the mall up a few steps, it is a "used book store" but more like a small room of books or the James library. Erin is looking for a Shakespeare book which she finds almost immediately. I see a Calvin and Hobbes book on display I've never seen before and want to buy it but forget. There is another one opposite it as well. The illustrations on the cover look like earlier Calvin drawings and both books have aggressive sort of tongue-in-cheek violent titles...one says something about bombs. I remember later I forgot to buy the book.

tuesday december 22nd 2009

i am at will paige and chelseas house. i find a hole in the bottom of my foot like a nail went through it. in the hole i find a millipede like worm. i shake it out and it is translucent and has lights in it. first it sqiggles around and then it blows up into a ball and flashes purple lights then goes back to a millipede and then flys off into the bathroom where i assume it goes into the toilet and is going to infect someone else. in the hole in the bottom of my foot there are what look like little tails and i assume they are millipede/ worm eggs. i shake them out. we have just finished exams or something.