8/29/15

Same night as cat power dream....

I see carol Ann on a couch dressed cool in a grey shirt and jeans maybe only slightly self conscious, I see her there, not exactly sure where we are but realizing she grew up at emf in the same way I did, so maybe we are at emf, like she is coming back and exposing how she knows everyone here and they all know her and she used to be here before me and knows all about everything and everyone

What a wonderful dream for me!

Carol Anne is there, taking me under her wing somehow. It seems like I'm in Charleston, I'm in some kind of art building, seems like I've been here before. There is a big open space that can just be my personal studio I realize if I just go there and claim it. I am in the buildings and part of one turns into a grocery store. Lots of space the way things are set up almost like the behind the set scenes in the movie 'american splender'. Travis is there with me. Carol Ann is alone in an office somewhere or I'm just leaving her or have to leave. I want to be alone and then my mother is there or Thanksgiving is coming. I think about shoplifting from the grocery store. There are eggs in the shape of limp bananas I have in my hands-- I give them to Travis because I'd rather eat them alone and he warms them up and comes back with them and then I say ok I'm leaving. Its kind of like a venue and a community and a library all in one that I'm leaving. I guess I am getting in a car to go home for Thanksgiving.

maria asks me if i want to go to see the celtics play their first playoff game, she has two tickets. i say yes and start trying to et dressed but hate everything i put on and it takes a really long time and we almost miss the bus. bus? yes. we are going to the celtics game on a bus and then it is sort of like the italy trip. we get to where the bus station sort of is and its like a whole area. there is a cold stone creamery and beth is working there. she wants me to work there too and i say no way i am not going back to coldstone but she tells her manaer or whatever that i used to work there and somehow gets me on the shift immediately. a pudgy guy asks me for something like a 'cookies and cream' which i think is sweet cream ice cream with oreos and whipped cream and fudge. so i make it for him and try to give it to him but he says its not what he ordered at all. after that i leave the cold stone (which is more like an open-air kiosk than a regular store) and start walking toward where i think the bus is. on the way i run into carol ann who is carrying a carton (like a whole carton, 20 packs) of either camel wides or camel unfilters (that dark brown orangey packaging) she says she has been craving that kind of cigarette but isnt going to smoke all of them and that i can take a pack or a half pack later if i want and not to tell anyone. i say oh oh i mean thats ok, but really i do want a pack because i have no cigarettes and i don't have any money to buy them either and i don't want to have to bum off maria. carol ann goes off into a doorway and when she comes back out all these people are carrying boes of free stuff over to long folding tables and i think maybe carol ann is holding a megaphone. people swarm the tables to get the free stuff. i remember about the nba game and try to go to find maria. carol ann knows about it too and i think maybe she is going. somehow i think i have missed the bus and garret davis pulls up in a minivan or an suv. i think he is going to take me to the bus, there are 2 or three other people in the car. i ask carol ann for a pack of cigarettes and she gives me one. i wonder if she wants to smoke cigarettes because peacock smokes and because i do. then garrett lets me in the passenger side door and i hold on to the seatbelt or something and before i close the door he starts driving. he drives around crazy as if he is trying to fling me from the car but i hold tight onto the seatbelt or whatever and finally he comes to a screeching halt. he says something along thelines of don't tell anyone about that but i can tell that this was some kind of rite of passage and that he was testing me and that he was glad i held on. i also think how easy it was to hold on and how everything is really a choice and i knew and he knew that i could just choose to hold on and if i had fell off i would have been choosing to fall off.

first i am at some sort of writing ommune with carol ann who is dating a guy younger than me who is also there. a bunch of other writer kids are there too and me and carol ann are friends and no one thinks its wierd that she is dating this young guy but i worry about what would happen if he broke up with her. she seems to care about him a lot in a kind of motherly way but also like she depends on him. i remember garret and the kids halfway through and wonder what happened to them. the commune is on an island off of charleston and when i am walking around i find anson there. he says he has flown into the island. i meet him by the rocks and i am glad he has come there. at some point i realize i have a child and it seems like i've just had the child but it looks like me as a toddler and has bob-length blonde hair. i keep forgetting i have the child though and later on i realize i have a child and i am 22 and i hope that maybe i wont have to take care of it anymore. the writing commune turns more into an art thing then and i think about how much i paid for the application so i think maybe its supposed to be the 3rd ward residency. john hull is there and i have a wall of space to work on. first i am trying to write a paper on picasso but i cant finish it. then i am working on the wall when maria comes in and tells me the paper is due soon. john hull is there and talks to me about the work. i ask him what a goup of paintings of cartoony looking skulls are and he says who do you think they are the only person who makes those. and i know i know who the girl is but i cant remember her name and he tells me its diana and that she hardly ever gets any work done because she is always tripping. she tripped her whole last semester.

we are in italy on the writing trip and we each have a murder mystery to solve but i'm not sure if its real or an excersize. we each have a set of suspects and victims from which to research and resolve the situation. i haven't done mine or have done it wrong. i don't really understand it. ed is sitting next to me on a plane or something and i'm pretending to sleep/ am sleeping and he touches my legs. then he is carrying me around by the legs and i am resting my hands on his shoulders. someone says that only the people who did the project right are getting called to read them or are having theirs read or something.

first night home- mom comes in in morning/ scares shit out of me

i am talking to cliff. first i am at the studio which is more like a big warehouse. there is a girl there tryng topaint, she has a private lesson with cliff. i am getting supplies. cliff asks me if i want to go outside ( to smoke). i say yes but we dont end up smoking together. i go upstairs to my studio. i make a pink and white dog out of something like playdo. i melt a pink my little pony and pull it around. at first things look good but they start to look hideous andgrotesque. there is a painting of a womean hanging by her arms in a green dress. i notice my paintings have more depth. then cliff comes upstairs and i am too nervous to work then/ ashamed of the work. he is showing john how to stretch a canvas. he comes over and i start talking about how its going. i guess i say we. he says now who s always up here with you whispering, are you gonna say because it seems like there's aways someone up here with you. then he points at the dog and he says as long as you don't name it nina simone. it is a joke because a little black girl was once mauled by a rottweiler while crossing the street on a skateboard. i dont know why this makes sense but i get it. i laugh. there is a girl working on something to the right of us. cliff says- my sister used to give me so much shit, you know the saying kafka wasn't a very something, wel i said Capricorn wasn't a very occupied jew! he thinks this is hilarious. the girl to our right tries to make bad similar jokes. we ignore her.

before that it is the school day and john is at his parents house. i see his parents and his mom asks me all these questions, gets me a drink. she is clearly crazy or extremely out of it. i think she has had a lobotomy. i don't know what to do myself. i'm not even sure if i want to get high.

* there is another part of the dream where i am with carol ann. we are having class ut we travel around. there is a painting and it is timmy's, he's gone over it and put a bright white portrait on the right side. i bring this up to the class. maria keeps talking about how she loves the class but i think she is getting more and more pissed ff. she keeps talking to me when carol ann is speaking and it makes me nervous. then she and carol ann start going back and forth. carol ann tells her she can no longer use the term henceforth and also some other term.

later i talk about timmy's painting with cliff. i am excited about it. he says he thinks its workng. other than the pink dog he does not look at any of my work. he just asks if i'm into it if i need to be doing it.

i am in carol anns class, i feel that i've missed something, maria is there

october 16th 2009: edit

i have sex with carol ann, it is the secret step within the poetry program which no one knows about. i think about the fact that carol ann is the one teacher who has sex with students and gets away with it. it is more of a joining of conciousness, i feel good about it.