I am coming to meet my family somewhere in the cape. I walk in to our living room in Norwell and there is a little dog in a basket. I ask her who the dog is for and pick it up and hold it. It looks like a miniature doberman/ chihuaha and I ask her if its for me and she says something but its like shes not answering the question and I think its weird she didn't tell me about the dog. I look up and I realize she's telling me she's pregnant. For some reason I know she's pregnant because there's a large lump like a tumor hanging off her wrist. Then I think she's actually showing in a real way but I'm not sure.

Then I am in the minivan trying to get to the hotel where my family is and I pull into a long gravel driveway and my brother walks out and he is smoking what looks like a cigarette and turns out to be a joint. I wonder if he is upset about Mom being pregnant. He asks me if I want one of the joints and I do but then he kind of refuses to give it to me and I am trying to find a lighter and can't find one. It seems like I have to get my stuff out of a room in the hotel. I remember driving.

I wake up around 5 30 in the morning to pee and I am dreaming that Alyssa Murphy is a radio personality. It suits her very well and I remind myself to remember it and tell her. I think I am phoning in to her station in the dream or I am in the booth with her and we are bantering back and forth. I guess it is sort of like the Ricky Gervais podcast show.

As I am starting to fall asleep I am thinking about the ring in the book Seabiscuit where the author or the jockey is a small boy and is watching an older jockey ride this horse around the ring. It is just the sandy ring and a greyish watercolory scene, grey blue sky, little grass, maybe trees, mostly the ring, the color of sand, the fence and the jockey on his horse going around and around. The ring is small. I guess maybe I am the little boy.

Then I am remembering the view from the window in the movie Mr. Lonely with the Michael Jackson impersonator and the Marilyn Monroe impersonator and the Charlie Chaplin/Hitler-esque impersonator. I am just looking out the window of the movie onto this lush greenery that goes on forever.

Then I am dreaming that I have just arrived somewhere. I am seeing Paige. I guess I am in Charleston but first I am with Paige and that seems different. Maybe it is New York to Charleston but it all seems like Charleston. I go to Paige's house and Chelsea is there and maybe Will.

I am with Paige or leaving and we get in a car with Rix and the driver is the Haittian guy Nobel from the T the other day. He is like the cab driver I guess. I have a small amount of pot I think but Paige says he'll have drugs and I think he rolls a joint or has a joint. We are going to Rix's trailor to see Pat. I run into the trailer when we get there and look around for Pat. Rix says something and he appears and acts very casual and cool at first and very non- Pat like. He is smoking a Marlboro Red and seems to present himself differently. Then we go outside and the trailer area sort of seems like that dog-show me and my mom went to once somewhere in New England. I tell Pat its ok I have something that he wants- either a cigarette, a lighter, or a joint but probably a joint.

I am at something like the Kentucky Derby, I think it is an indoor arena and we are on a flat sort of plateaued section where there are dining tables. I'm here with John Maccallum's "brother" "Jimmy", John's real life brother Neil is also at the table. I have met Jimmy somehow outside of John being there and we are sort of on a date. He shows me how we are going to eat the shrimp with oatmeal. We are all going to have shrimp iin a bowl with either oatmeal or something richer and milkier. This is a big part of the event we are at. This seems to be a rich person kind of event. Alex Wilson is there. People seem to be just roaming around the stadium going from section to section. When John arrives he comes to the table and sees me sitting next to Jimmy and makes that half-suprised/ dissaproving face and sits down across from us. I guess maybe we are in New York. Jimmy seems very smooth and manipulative. I'm not sure why/if/how much I am into him.

At some other time I think Ricky is with me and we are going around moving or around south boston.

When I'm in the stadium there are a few people working there as waiters and servers and I know some of them. They are mostly kids around my age. There is one guy who is black and seems familiar but I can't quite place him. He seems like someone else. I think I am trying to smoke a joint or roll a joint inside the stadium and for some reason I'm doing it semi in secret away from the table. I go into the bathroom or something and come out with the joint and am trying to smoke it by the balcony but its loose and falling apart. One of the waiter people asks me for a hit and I am suprised he knows it is a joint. I remember talking to Alex Wilson and he was wearing suspenders.

When I leave the stadium I see the black guy waiter person and for some reason I don't remember that I know him and then he comes up to me and starts talking to me and I remember who he is. I think maybe I am smoking a joint then and he asks for a hit and I know that he knows its a joint because he doesn't smoke tobacco...He starts talking about how he fucked Cindy something in a little alley right near us (maybe he reminds me of Anson?) He talks about how he wants to fuck every girl he can because its sort of like tagging them and then you have that connection and either they'll help you later on or they won't but either way you fucked them so you own them a little bit and its like growing your wealth in a way, and I say I think there are some women who probably think like that too. His ideas about this are pretty offensive I guess but he is pleasant and mild and isn't trying to sleep with me so we just sort of sit there and talk and its nice. We are on a block of cement steps with hand rails in the middle of an empty parking lot and the street right in front of us is pretty deserted and looks sort of like Roxaboxen and then to the right there is what looks like the end of King street or King and Spring maybe but theres no one on the street and no one else comes out of the stadium.

My mom comes into the scene then and I think the waiter guy comes with us and some other people and we all go to Cole School with my Mom who I guess works there. I am struck by how it smells exactly the same and how I remember the smell. The walls are all salmony-pink and I am smelling them. I really need to use a bathroom and I start going from room to room looking for one. In lots of the rooms there are toilets cemented to the floors in the middle of the rooms but somehow I know or decide these aren't usable even though they are toilets. My mom is scooting around the rooms on what looks like and empty roll of masking tape. She puts one foot on the masking tape and then there is a long handle that comes up and she pushes off with her other foot and I guess this is what she does while she is working. She takes me to the bathroom which is dark like all the rooms because the school is closed. There are three little toilets all with a little piece of toilet paper in them.

When I wake up I realize I really have to pee.

the ron jeremy/ danny devito dream: saturday the 25th

(sleeping over at ricky's)

I am living in a little apartment with my grandmother but Sharon also lives there. Sometimes I feel like I need to be doing something and I'm not sure what my role vs Sharon's role is supposed to be in taking care of my grandmother.

At some point I get involved with this guy who has Danny Devito's size and body-type but who looks like Ron Jeremy and acts sort of like a pornstar-gangster. He has a latkey who is a skinny little gay dude who looks almost albino with white blonde hair. They come into my room or I am in their room or the two things become one but I don't think we leave the house where my grandmother, Sharon, and I live. It seems like Ronny Devito convinces me of something at first and then he leaves.

After he leaves I am left alone with the gay albino and we are left to sort of feel each other out. The room we are in sort of turns into my parents bedroom. He asks me if I want to do cocaine with him and I say ok but then while he is cutting it up I get involved in something else...I think maybe I am rolling a joint. He cuts up a bunch of lines and then he does all of them. I had noticed before that he had been doing cocaine and when I see him after I realize he's a bit of a cokehead.
He starts shivering and rocking back and forth on the carpet and I think I am concentrating again on rolling the joint but he suddenly says "hey" to me and I look up. He asks me if I will come over and sit next to him and so I go over and sit next to him and put my arms around him and we rock back and forth and I feel like I suddenly understand him and am glad he is able to ask me to be there, it is a very innocent moment.

Then something happens and I'm not sure the exact time sequence. At some point Ronny Devito comes back and then we are back in the small room in the Sharon-grandma apartment. Ronny Devito is having sex with me and I'm not sure why but I feel like I've become part of some deal or something. It isn't exactly something I'm into but I don't feel like its horrible either.

Then Ricky shows up and we are somewhere else altogether, maybe out, but the environment isn't as clear. We start having sex and it is good and I feel like I've had some kind of sexual realization or discovery, maybe about orgasming. We are together and happy.

Then I am transported back to the little room where Ronny Devito had sex with me and no one is there but all their stuff is there (I guess they had stuff) and I suddenly remember about how they came in and what happened and I start to feel horrible about it and I don't know how I'll get out of the situation. I feel as if I need to run away even though I think that the room was originally my room. I decide that I will need to leave this place.

i remember rolling joints, i think with lindsay, and they were really big and all marajuana, not tobacco. the weed all rolled together and formed one long weed-stick that looked like play-doh. then i was with jared charzewski and he had some kid with him and i think maybe i had someone with me. we took some sort of drug like oycontin or something, a strong kind of pill, and jared told the kid to relax and enjoy his high and save the rest of it for later. i'm not sure what happened with me and jared.