i can sort of see this chart with all my grades in aq light red pencil. i squint at it and sort of try to look and try to not look at the same time. i think that one of the grades is maybe an F but it turns out its not i'm pretty sure. peacock is at a thing outside an art building. there are a bunch of graduate art students there. he is smoking a cigarette. someone starts talking about my graduation outfit and he starts asking about it. he says i hope it wasn't like a crucified bigot and i know he means maybe it looked like i was a KKK member but i told him it was more like a german toddler adult size and he laughed. later on we have to get ready for a class. john hull is gessoing canvases to paint. cliff says something about being serious and john hull says its different for him. i amcarrying three canvases that are this yellowish orange color. cliff is standing in the corner painting a large black crow with an orange background. he says meredith cant be upset by people because she outwits them and the same will be true for me. he is talking about meredeth trevino who is there somehow. outside earlier he makes fun of alex and does an impression of her.

i am following peacock around. we are getting ready for a show or something. people my age try to talk to me and i'm embarassed. i don't want them to say hi to me but they come over. but peacock isn't awkward about it, he makes jokes sort of like will milner. we keep walking around and bumping into each other

i am at the college and the art department is getting ready for the susan b. anthony award. all the professors submit and students may also submit. i am freaking out inside because i think the due date is that night and i dont have anything and don't think i should really submit. the college is at UVA and cliff is in the rotunda. barbara has made a submission which has a blue matress quilt thing and then a lamp and a piece of paper, all the colors match, its an arrangement of objects and it looks genius. then i go to class with cliff and he hands everyone stuffed animals to make our projects with. he brings me over a bear and brushes the side of my face with his hand. when i leave and go out side john says the submissions arent due until thrusday so i think about maybe trying to make something. it is like a carnaval-ish in the street outside.

first night home- mom comes in in morning/ scares shit out of me

i am talking to cliff. first i am at the studio which is more like a big warehouse. there is a girl there tryng topaint, she has a private lesson with cliff. i am getting supplies. cliff asks me if i want to go outside ( to smoke). i say yes but we dont end up smoking together. i go upstairs to my studio. i make a pink and white dog out of something like playdo. i melt a pink my little pony and pull it around. at first things look good but they start to look hideous andgrotesque. there is a painting of a womean hanging by her arms in a green dress. i notice my paintings have more depth. then cliff comes upstairs and i am too nervous to work then/ ashamed of the work. he is showing john how to stretch a canvas. he comes over and i start talking about how its going. i guess i say we. he says now who s always up here with you whispering, are you gonna say because it seems like there's aways someone up here with you. then he points at the dog and he says as long as you don't name it nina simone. it is a joke because a little black girl was once mauled by a rottweiler while crossing the street on a skateboard. i dont know why this makes sense but i get it. i laugh. there is a girl working on something to the right of us. cliff says- my sister used to give me so much shit, you know the saying kafka wasn't a very something, wel i said Capricorn wasn't a very occupied jew! he thinks this is hilarious. the girl to our right tries to make bad similar jokes. we ignore her.

before that it is the school day and john is at his parents house. i see his parents and his mom asks me all these questions, gets me a drink. she is clearly crazy or extremely out of it. i think she has had a lobotomy. i don't know what to do myself. i'm not even sure if i want to get high.

* there is another part of the dream where i am with carol ann. we are having class ut we travel around. there is a painting and it is timmy's, he's gone over it and put a bright white portrait on the right side. i bring this up to the class. maria keeps talking about how she loves the class but i think she is getting more and more pissed ff. she keeps talking to me when carol ann is speaking and it makes me nervous. then she and carol ann start going back and forth. carol ann tells her she can no longer use the term henceforth and also some other term.

later i talk about timmy's painting with cliff. i am excited about it. he says he thinks its workng. other than the pink dog he does not look at any of my work. he just asks if i'm into it if i need to be doing it.

maybe i make a pie and you make a stew

tiny little kittens are jumping on my hands and biting them.
there is a parachute or air balloon flapping in the wind.
matt and maria are asking if i think there is lice in the outhouse. the outhouse is the upstairs bathroom but it is an outhouse, goes all the way down. they say they are itchy, they have lice. i say, you mean fleas. & they say no, lice. i say you brought me into a house full of lice?
Peacock walks by outside the studio and i think my body language makes it hard for him to come talk. he comes over and says he has some appointment tomorrow and can't meet at 2. He doesn't know when he can meet, but he wants to. he seems inspired, like he needs to paint, he says he's got to focus which is why i know he needs to paint. he paints on sundays.
maria writes a poem about Peacock, how he says "I'd rather be a poet than a photographer". I try to say something but don't, I hear the poem like a strange music.

* when i can't sleep i imagine apocalyptic scenes and what kind of art would be the least destroyed. I think it is music, because the last instrument to remain is the voice and the most common knowledge in art is the melody and words to songs.

night of kombucha & vodka/ tim hussey/ kenneth joint pee

kenneth is talking about my painting, maybe there is something i am thinking of taking out or i want to disassemble the painting and reassemble the painting but he says no, he says that whatever rests in the center of the painting is (always) the most important and unconsciously placed down.

also there is something about table painting and about how table painting is an old or ancient or secret art or something.

october 15th 2009 (night before arents come)

first we are going on some wierd sort of m0ountain danger adventure where you ick the levels on a train, it i me someone else and matt and i am scared and have never been wherever it is we are going before, then there is this house in the middle of nowhere, will is there and i introduce him to my friends, i think i show him something i have been doing, he want sot become an artistn and is working on transarency, he talks about what he waqnts to do but cant figure out and says i dont want you to hel me, then we are in some kind of desert on some animal tye tri, there is a monkey and then we are in the desert with a -ack of gorillas and the tour guide says how the gorilla once blew u a lot of the worlds natural resources by hugging a cannon, some of the same cannon (they are urigth) are around the desert and further into the tour eole start hitting them casually, as if laying gorilla russian roulette, then either erin fitzgibbons or rachel from alexs rogram in -aris goes u and hugs the gorilla after the tour guide is talking about their odd body language and how you have to be careful, the gorilla hugs her back though and lets go then i am at an after school rogram at the town halll and michelle granara is therre, john also works there, and at the end will and brandon walk by in swim trunks i am cleaning u and utting joints and crayons next to each other in a box michelles granara lays on the couch,eole are imressed i have the time to volunteeer here in the room me and michelles are in in the last moment there is a large ainting of a cartoon alligator