on vacation somewhere with my mom erin and leslie, somewhere like capri or italy-- light ocean tropical beaches-- and we keep going to the same restaurants like we're running out of restaurants to go to -- and we're going somewhere on the last night and we accidentally go to the same restaurant again and leslie and my mom say how i hug erin more than them and how uncle andy said the same thing and i say i realize that and i mean to hug them all more and want to get us all in a pile like the old days --

                                                            yesterday;

will somewhere, maybe somewhere cav is , looking for will maybe, at my parents house, petting chloe, upstairs and my mom is saying i need to get a dog, she knows about gilbie but i can see gilbie like he is there and fine right in front of me

                                                           day before;

 go to an arcade movie theater by myself and the movie starts and then the movie stops all of a sudden and a grey screen comes up and music starts playing like an intermission and there is a hungry hippos game in front of me and i start thinking i have time to play it during the intermission and first i try to put a euro in the machine and then i find a gold arcade coin and put it in and start playing and a dad in seats nearby kindof yells at me but i explain myself and we're ok, then i leave the theater and get lost and i have to go back up  a glass elevator to get back to the theater and then the movie is over and i missed it and everyone is leaving and i walk out of the theater in the crowd crying

                                                            day before;

austin rutledge comes over to my parents house and is upset about a movie, something, he leaves and im in my brothers room

12/26/2019 troy frog statue

                                                                     1.
i drive with my father to troy and take him and buy two beers somewhere and sit down at a picnic table in a small park in the middle of the city --- (its the same park i ended up at with the woman who i followed off the bus when i was on the bus in troy in another dream and james was there too and she was quoting bible verses to me )

my father is not drinking his beer and i am starting to get kind of anxious like i cant remember why i brought him all the way here

then i see the pond (where before in the other dream there was a huge real live frog sitting in the middle of it on a lilypad) i go over to the pond and see the frog but the frog is a statue and i can't believe that its a statue and before i thought it was a real frog

and i guess this is what i brought my father there to see

and i drink his beer and my beer

                                                                        2.
i go back to troy again this time alone and im on a street with a big median park in the middle and a street going the other way on the other side and everyone out on their stoops

and in the median park there is a black/hispanic guy with a boombox starting to perform his music

and again im almost not sure why im there but i meet some people on the stoops and talk to them

and then i go looking for artist studios or i meet someone who brings me there, somehow i end up with a crew of new people

there is a nerdy looking skinny blonde guy with freckles and glasses, we all go to an artist studio where we can see quiet looking asian people inside but the studio is closed

and we cant get in

it seems like travis is there then and driving the car and maybe we are leaving

the blonde guy with glasses becomes my boyfriend somehow and maybe i am moving to an artist studio in troy

eventually it seems like we get in

but then we are standing on the street and maybe travis there and maybe leaving--

and i am looking at a metal side rail to see a bird sticker i put there before or put a new one there now

(in waking life i tell my dad about the dream while driving to lynn city hall and he says there is a pond in troy somewhere near his fraternity house and he heard they are draining it, and then he tells me how a whale once swam up the hudson river there and i look up the whale but cant find out what happened to it)

IN MY brothers room in the dream and gilby is there going in and out of the bottom drawer and im trying not to close it and anytime i move it a little he comes running out

and there is a brown rabbit in the hallway and chloe and lightly there too and when i look in the hallway my dad going into the bathroom

and all the animals are getting along and dont need cages

and i am texting james but we are also in some vacation house on the water and i am looking at water and boats and guess im fishing and am going to text james this 

yesterday;

curt jarva downstairs with gilby about to put him in the trash and i have to stop him


last night;

at a party at new alliance and a bunch of guys are sitting on the floor drawing on the floor in crayon and they are drawing all robot heads and parts all connected in a big circle , one is a yellow robot head, and i come in and draw a more human girl head in green in crayon coming out from the circle and ethan is there and maybe drawing too and he is smiling and im saying oh no wait til nick sees this it wasnt me ! and we are kind of laughing

DREAMS FROM THE PAST WEEK

1. with someone who is like colleen shea at first and also like sinclair from tennessee and also like katie clancy by the end of the dream. with her and a guy who is like christian comeau and chris valverde. and we are all together and i guess they are in a relationship. i find myself attracted to the christian comeau / valverde. we are in one place and decide we are going to new york -- chris and katie leave somehow and i lam sitting in a chair that starts zooming through the air at the height of a plane --- it is very rocky and i am barely hanging on , it is very scary but i survive-- we end up in new york going to colleen sinclair katies mothers luxury apartment in new york city which is inside a big building that is like a grand hotel. we go to play basketball and the basketball court is a tiny circular platform with hoops on it and no guard rails and is maybe 100 feet in the air above the next floor. colleen is nervous about playing basketball on this platform. christian valverde kind of chides her is kind of mocking her or disgruntled and judging of this like shes a pussy or something. i say i am uncomfortable too.

we are walking out on the steps of the grand hotel luxury apartment and i ask her if the people know her here--

2. i am on a family vacation with artwerk666 with my dad and she is very grumpy and maybe we are sisters. she seems upset and is not talking and like maybe she hates me, we are in a car or on a bus at some point. my dad is there. i start to wonder if she is jealous over my dad or our parents, its like she wants to be with them and doesn't want me there but like maybe we are sisters

3. go to some crazy place a barroom some crazy event where i am supposed to play and bob dylan is there and i see him in  the crowd with a hat on leaning near a wood pillar close to the stage -- its a woozy kind of atmosphere -- i think he sees me play but i dont know

i go in the same place or maybe not and see myself in something like an orgy with people S-in my Ts

go into a bathroom and start to pee and its way more pee and pee pressure than is normal and the pee is coming back up and getting all over me

december 2018

I

chloe in the backyard with mud up to her elbows

II

my family members, some of them, men, my father, gathered around a counter in the kitchen eating meat, and i come and eat some of it with them, and come to realize its pig meat...

and take the bones to make broth 

February 1st

Me and Frankas are kind of moving into my parents house for some reason. Only my dad is there. We have all this stuff like for the photo booth but it's actually a studio setup. I set it up in the basement and my dad asks if I've done anything yet and I say no and then I remember I set the whole studio up in the basement and I tell him that and he is impressed. We are moving things in from the garage. It seems like some kind of holiday or vacation is going to happen. There are only a few beers In the garage and I open one. My dad is leaving for the gym. He says frank is drinking all his beers in a joking way. Then Frank is in the front seat of the minivan and my dad starts massaging his neck and shoulders and frank jumps up and four of the minivan. I think it was too much pressure for him. 

Something about robots figuring things out after we're gone or like we are material for robots and computers. Or the spaces in between our temporal existences are filled by computers with permanence. And robots.

When frankas is falling asleep he is going no no no and I ask him what's happening and he says someone was trying to stick fingers up his butt

Jason tedeschi comes over my house for some reason there are three beers in my parents basement that we share one in an Oscar Schmidt but it is really that other kind of beer that maybe begins with an o and has cursive writing on it and is someone like Oscar Schmidt (the guitar) but not - my parents are out of town

I have to leave to go and meet Sara silk and her friend Lisa and some of her other friends at this movie bar somewhere in hull and I drive from my parents house it is a bar with a movie theater attached and you get drinks and then go into the movie, we are playing around doing improv and when Lisa does improv with Sara Sara gets right up in her face as she's speaking like touching her face with her face and it is very funny and I like hanging out wi them I am somewhat worried about drinking and driving and being neurotic 

Another sequence before that I am washing nane in a bathtub , we are at her house and my mom and dad are there and we are all in the bathroom and washing her and she is going under the water and they are saying she is ok and I pull the drain and she comes up for air and she says this is why I want you to live with me or this is why you are my friend because I'm going blurb bluh blurb bluh blurb bluh blurb down there and then she breathes deeply and says happy new year everybody! And in that moment I think she seems like Marilyn Monroe

Going to New Hampshire, see kaz in New Hampshire first maybe he is going on tour or something understanding how he has a job and things are different for him with the band... 

Then at my parents house and wanting to leave to go to New Hampshire to stay at the merits house which for some reason we can stay at but they won't let me go and I am upset and staying at their house and not wanting to be there

Then Erik and I are arriving at the merits place in New Hampshire and go by all thi stuff for free on the street outside and pick it up, their is a miniature organ and also a keyboard I think is mine that my parents have thrown out but turns out is. Different one long and skinny plugs into the wall very simple but does not play loud

Then my parents frankas and I are all on vacation on some kind of houseboat and they are going cliff climbing, I am just sitting spider style on frankas lap

My mom goes off the side of the house boat ledge and onto a gray cliff and my dad also goes, when my mom jumps onto. Rock of grey cliff material she causes it to rise upward like some kind of move on legend of the hidden temple, it goes very high and I am afraid of the height for a moment

Two cats this shopkeeper has and this mall we're in...Devon and maybe we are trying to find willows house in Janet jarvas car, my dad is saying it's not the right way but I start to recognize a stream with bushes and know we're going the right way but the right way dissolves

Some abstract film in a theater at the mall Tyrone has made about "the only thing worse than that last drummer..." Like a status that's been written on Facebook but I'm seeing it in the theater at the mall and I think it's going to be video of us performing but it's these multiracial people getting naked under a waterfall

That turns into a river where people are getting pulled together from the tide and there are all different people on the river and it kinda seems like they're all wanting to have sex

There are two little black boys before that and I guess they bring in the cats first and they are both wearing belly shirts and look like girls but I think they are boys and we are taking care of them, maybe my mom is taking care of them

There is something like a pet store and this one black dog starts to get real aggressive, maybe it was one of the cats and it turned into a dog? Maybe it is still a cat it is very hard to handle

We are looking for costumes to look like Cher and maybe Paris Hilton trying to explain why it's important to my dad, this is with the lack children, I'm trying to express that I only need a wig and not the whole costume

few nights before the last post

I am on some kind of ship like a cruise ship but with a big ampitheater like maybe the Titanic. My mom and my dad are both there along with a lot of other people. I am holding onto a big shaggy white dog but aware of another dog that I was supposed to be taking care of or was once taking care of that isn't around anywhere and I am partly worried about where it is. It seems stormy and raining. Then there is a little weasel like animal that I am holding and talking to and I think its Lighly and then it runs out of my hands and outside and I go follow it. Then I am around the side on the outside of a house, like maybe where I would imagine David Sedaris was drowning the mouse in the bucket and the animal has turned into a white weasel or rat and is in the bushes and I am trying to recapture it and talk to it and I'm afraid of losing it. I don't know what happened to the ship.

The night before Valentine's Day I dreamed my Dad had bought a scooter for my Mother for Valentine's Day. Not a scooter like a moped but a scooter like a Razor scooter like Kelsey has. I checked with him to see if this had happened in real life but it hadn't.

I am driving in the car, going to do my errands, it seems like i'm on storrow drive, and i see what looks like a giant man-made bird flipping over itself and falling out of the sky. and then i see another one. and then i notice people are on these things that look like giant trapezes. they are holding onto the trapeze and its swinging them up into the air really really high. but people are doing it and they don't look like they are trained to and they aren't dying or losing their grip like they probably would in real life. I wonder what is going on because it must be some kind of festival but im on storrow drive so i can't see anything but the trapeze people and i know i slept in late and missed my ADD appointment (true). then i am in some kind of store like a walmart or a toys r us. i guess this is an errand but i don't know what i was going to buy. this little boy runs up to me and grabs my hand and he wants me to put revlon lip stain on him. he is a really cute little boy with a square-ish head and black hair. he looks like a cartoon. His father is there and he keeps telling the boy (maybe his name was Kyle) to stop it and leave me alone, but hes not very commanding about it and Kyle does not care. He just keeps leading me around by the hand and I put the lipstain on him. For some reason I have to buy the lipstain but i buy it without going to the register. I think I put Kyle in a shopping cart breifly. I really like him or else I wouldn't be bothered. Then the dad sees how I'm still there and hanging out with Kyle and he tells me all about their awesome babysitter for some reason and it seems like he thinks I'm trying to be friends with Kyle in order to get a job. I wonder how he feels about the lipstain and if he knows I had to buy it for his son.

Then I am listening to Scarlett Johansen and she is talking to Woody Allen, and I don't think Woody Allen ever says anything but I know he's there. She is talking about Darwinist economics in a way, which I know is because they are taling about darwinist economics on npr (in real life), but she is putting it into her own terms, like in concern to her and ryan reynolds i guess. she doesnt say as much but i can tell she's rationalizing the failure of their marriage through darwinist theory. this proves true because she ends up saying how ryan was going to build her a 32 million something mansion and she'd really be fine with a 16 but then imagine how hard it must be for people in the middle! it was sort of like she just realized that some people are poor.

this is a weird celebrity dream for me because I'm not particularly invested at all in Scarlett Johansen or Ryan Reynolds...other than a slight latent dislike I harbor for Scarlet based on people telling me I looked like her in her awkward teenage years (ie the horsewhisperer) when I was in my awkward teeenage years or any movie thereafter where she didn't wear any makeup and seemed to always have her mouth hanging slightly ajar (ie girl with a pearl earring) which I took to mean that we were both big-lipped and dumb looking and/or slightly handicapped.

I am dreaming to whats going on on NPR,

there is something about beach erosion. Someone in the interview on t.v. says "If it comes between me going to get my snickers and then going to the beach and the sand is too hot, then I'm just gonna get my Snickers and go"

(I remember the news piece on the sand at southie beach being "too hot")

I am at my parents house I guess which is nothing like my parents house and more like a log cabin. The living room is the same but there is an attic. At one point I see my Mom in the attic sleeping sort of face down on the floor and she has one arm over Edna and Edna is sleeping the same way. I talk to her and tell her the big special is going to be on and she sort of looks up at me and so does Edna, and then she goes back to sleep with her head on the floor and so does Edna.

Uncle Gene is there and I watch my Dad and Uncle Gene both watching the t.v. and they both have the same sort of forlorn expression on their faces.

I dream I am around for whitey Bulger's trial- it is sort of like being
at camp. We are all sort of hanging out in this camp-yagoog like area like we live there. I think Devon is there. We are sort of waiting around and involved with whitey. I like him but I see him act sort of evil, I think he will take a liking to me though and I will be ok. He is wearing a t shirt with little squiggly cursive repetitive writing across it in a block formation, light blue. He is i9n the passenger side of a truck wearing a sort of trucker hat and thick dark glasses.

Yesterday I dreamed of the hill with the donkey inside the pen on the
side of the road in Williamsburg right as I was starting to fall asleep...and then the picnic tables there and the smell of hotdogs and pasta salad on a plastic plate. Later on I dream we are in a dark room on couches and under blankets watching a movie or something. Then the chorus line of thye little mice in the movie Babe comes into my head and I start singing it and then my Dad is on the other sofa and he starts singing the mice part too and he does a better job than I do, but its very pleasant.

Erik is coming home from college for a visit or something. I feel like we are on a train. It is cold outside or at least the trees look dead. Erik is talking about starting a fire. There's something that needs to be done at Cornell, I think. A certain square foot area needs to be accounted for in soome way and Erik has decided he will burn the area down liken a forest fire. My dad is hesitant about it. I start to see it as an evil plan. I get the feeling he wants people to die. It is going to be a disaster. It gets more sinister. He is set on the idea of the fire and does not listen. I think (in the dream) I understand his letter better.

I meet up with Will Milner, I think maybe outside Norwell High School. He has come to see me. He says he is giving it another shot with Capers and that things have gotten better. He seems sincere. I believe him. There is something I want to give him. I am wearing a backpack or he is and in the pocket there is the cat-head eraser ring I put on the necklace I made for Max...only I have given it to Will Milner and maybe he is trying to give it back. I ask him if he knew it was an eraser and show him how it erases.

In some part of the dream I have not only the large "Jessica" inscribed overcoat sweater I found at the thrift store, but also a scarf which has my name sewn into it.

The rest of the dreams are horrible...(guilt dreams I think of the dead pet ilk) In the dreams I am taking care of Josephine without any help. First we are in the apartment in south boston, although I don't remember it seeming the same. Then something happens and we need to move out and relocate really quickly. My dad buys an apartment for us. It is one small dark room up a flight of stairs that descends from the center of the small room to where the entrance to outside is. It could not be more ill-suited to our needs or more perilous for Josephine. For some reason I am running around and have to leave her there alone. Every time I come back (or is it just one time?) she is in worse and worse condition. Its like we've been secreted away into this place and no one will help us. I come back and she is soaking wet and covered in urine and rolling around on the floor. I keep running back to the apartment hoping she hasn't fallen down the stairs...and all we have is this little room. I know my parents are involved in the dream but it seems as though they're disinterested (?)

I am in a large house like a mansion. First I am in my nomal house though. It is something like Thanksgiving. Anson is coming to my house and there is nothing I can do about it maybe and I am trying to keep it a secret from my parents. He will have to stay in the basement. I forget about this. Then lots of family starts showing up at the house and I am talking with relatives and getting white wine. Then the basement door starts banging around and busts open and out walks anson. he is balding and his head is shaved almost bald, he does not look so good. immediately i yell at my brother for locking him in the basement which i suddenly know he did. my mother is upset about the event but my dad just kind of jokes with me and says "well you know uncle gene wanted to bring his new girlfriend to spoleto" and then sort of doesthe rick joke-shrug at me. "what does that have to do with anything?" i say, but it makes me feel better that he isnt taking it as seriously.

ok, then i am in the mansiony house which is really really old and i live there with my family but mostly just my mom is there and nane is also there...then gramcracker is there! and i am like what the hey is going on. so i go to my mom aqnd im like i thought grammie was dead! and she is like yeah, well she is dead but she has this wierd sort of dead person alzheimers where she wakes up every now and again and acts like her old self and doesnt remember that she is dead. meanwhile nane is her old regular alzheimers self. grammy dances around and sings a teacup song and every little song she sings i try to sing too but i dont know the words and i dance around her while she sings them (this happens later tho at some sort of art show or exhibtion in a gymnasium/ auditorium) while we are still in the mansion house we walk over at some point to a bed (me mom nane and grammie) and on the bed are nane and grammies "dead" bodies, nane gets upset seeing grammie and also probably the dead bodies but grammie is really clueless. it is creepy though and i try to get everyone away from the dead bodies.

ok, and then i am at some sort of camp or something. something has gone wrong and we all have to sit underground in a hallway all day. it has to do with sharks. we get assigned to teams. maria is there and maybe we are in college. mr. devine seems t be the leader of sorts. we are waiting to get let out of the hallway. my team ends up going into a classroom filled with water in which there is a shark and something happens with the shark trying to bite us and we are all on some sort of raft or something together and we go around the classroom in circles with the shark snapping at us but no one gets bit. i believe because no one from the team gets bit we are then allowed to go home. it seems like maria and i are in charleston and it is a weekend night and we are trying to go out.

two nights ago i saw marah funder on the street in a dream and embraced her.

last night something was happening. i saw my mom and dad and my dad was wearing a silver kimono. peacock was there at the end, he was taking me on for something and i thought things were one way when they were really another way and so i was surprised when he said he loved my work and wanted me to be something with him, i'm not sure, maybe he wanted to show our work together. other things happened. i should have gotten here earlier.

i think me and peacock embraced as well.

dream 3rd night back from italy

i dream i am watching my father and his brothers as young boys on a home video tape. there is a little girl too which i think is his sister but she couldnt be that young then and maybe is another girl. i can tell who they are by their faces. uncle kenny looks just like himself. my father looks a lot like my brother. he is throwing a sort of tantrum. something has happened and he is upset about it and inconsolable. no one else is. i think this somehow helps me understand my brother. i don’t remember exactly what was happening.