AT MARIAS HOUSE

AT MARIAS HOUSE, get into town and maybe im on tour but i dont know, im tired and ragged,

go to marias house and its kinda like ricks and patricks old place past the crosstown but smaller, like one room like a studio, full of stuff,

and im there with just maria and then i remember about her other house that she lives in and henry

and then i realize she just kept this house like this is her little house but she is still living in the other house with henry and she and henry are getting married on march 30th

and i pretend like i know because how could i not know and she must have told me

and we are going somewhere to meet people or i go down a street and see people through a window- casey heath, maybe pecan

and back to the house and then henry is there and im wondering how i didnt know they were getting married and i kind of flash imagine maria getting mad one night and then henry

proposing

living in austin or charleston somewhere and seeing max and then later somewhere there but

somewhere else talking to chelsea

and she is saying max is doing heroin        but i dont see it

Carol Anne is there, taking me under her wing somehow. It seems like I'm in Charleston, I'm in some kind of art building, seems like I've been here before. There is a big open space that can just be my personal studio I realize if I just go there and claim it. I am in the buildings and part of one turns into a grocery store. Lots of space the way things are set up almost like the behind the set scenes in the movie 'american splender'. Travis is there with me. Carol Ann is alone in an office somewhere or I'm just leaving her or have to leave. I want to be alone and then my mother is there or Thanksgiving is coming. I think about shoplifting from the grocery store. There are eggs in the shape of limp bananas I have in my hands-- I give them to Travis because I'd rather eat them alone and he warms them up and comes back with them and then I say ok I'm leaving. Its kind of like a venue and a community and a library all in one that I'm leaving. I guess I am getting in a car to go home for Thanksgiving.

In the end I am in Charleston with Maria who is graduating  and she says something about how the funny thing is about going to graduation... and I point out that she didn't go to my graduation ceremony. Charleston is curvy and circular and more like a small New Orleans or Paris, like it has been in other dreams. Maria gets a small white dog for graduation I guess and it remains with us. She is trying to make a point about what I need as an artist or a writer,or where or how I've gone astray. We walk out through marshlands. It seems like there are other people with us. We pick up some things along the way. There are multiple frogs & the sensation of swimming and a couple of figures swimming too at one point where the water body is larger and more like a lake. Mostly it is like a creek or small river. We end up at a kind of shed at the end of the Marshland's and in it are all kinds of papers and trash and pieces of leftover art of mine. This is what Maria was trying to show me. I want to take things, it immediately seems like a bunch of things I need or have been missing but Maria tries to make me leave everything there. I end up taking only a few orange and white pieces of paper.

I am in Charleston with Rob and I came there a time before just for the night out of nowhere. I know because I can see pictures of myself or see myself like I would a picture, wearing a big fur coat.

Maria has taken pictures somewhere downtown in "historical" Charleston, dressed like a pilgrim with a blue dress and a bonnet on. Some are just her and then some others I am there in the background in sunglasses and my fur coat. I think I look like Elvis.

I don't know where Rob is. I am wandering around houses. I think I know there  is something going on with Maria.

I wake up around 5 30 in the morning to pee and I am dreaming that Alyssa Murphy is a radio personality. It suits her very well and I remind myself to remember it and tell her. I think I am phoning in to her station in the dream or I am in the booth with her and we are bantering back and forth. I guess it is sort of like the Ricky Gervais podcast show.

As I am starting to fall asleep I am thinking about the ring in the book Seabiscuit where the author or the jockey is a small boy and is watching an older jockey ride this horse around the ring. It is just the sandy ring and a greyish watercolory scene, grey blue sky, little grass, maybe trees, mostly the ring, the color of sand, the fence and the jockey on his horse going around and around. The ring is small. I guess maybe I am the little boy.

Then I am remembering the view from the window in the movie Mr. Lonely with the Michael Jackson impersonator and the Marilyn Monroe impersonator and the Charlie Chaplin/Hitler-esque impersonator. I am just looking out the window of the movie onto this lush greenery that goes on forever.

Then I am dreaming that I have just arrived somewhere. I am seeing Paige. I guess I am in Charleston but first I am with Paige and that seems different. Maybe it is New York to Charleston but it all seems like Charleston. I go to Paige's house and Chelsea is there and maybe Will.

I am with Paige or leaving and we get in a car with Rix and the driver is the Haittian guy Nobel from the T the other day. He is like the cab driver I guess. I have a small amount of pot I think but Paige says he'll have drugs and I think he rolls a joint or has a joint. We are going to Rix's trailor to see Pat. I run into the trailer when we get there and look around for Pat. Rix says something and he appears and acts very casual and cool at first and very non- Pat like. He is smoking a Marlboro Red and seems to present himself differently. Then we go outside and the trailer area sort of seems like that dog-show me and my mom went to once somewhere in New England. I tell Pat its ok I have something that he wants- either a cigarette, a lighter, or a joint but probably a joint.

I am at a restaurant with my Mom and Devon. She is singing a piece of music and her voice is beautiful. We talk about a woman named Eki who worked at the public library and wwho I can't remember at first which shocks Devon and my mom. I think we are in Charleston. Devon has too leave and she apologizes for singing so beautifully and for deciding to write a poem because she knowS I write poems. I tell her that its ok and that she sounds beautiful. My father is there at the table then.

I am living in a large mansion with different sections, a mansion I feel like I've been in in dreams before. I have moved into here from another apartment which was a mess. The ceilings in the bedroom are very low and there is one other room attached to it. From the bedroom I notice there is a swinging large door into a main part of the mansion and I go to look and accidentally swing the door and see a woman there. The door swings back again in my direction. Whoever is there is nice to me. I had forgotten that other people live in the mansion and no one seems to own it.

I see Tory on the street in Charleston but she sort of turns the other way. I wonder if she can't talk to me because Ricks isn't there anymore. I see Lily somewhere and she hugs me.

Later on I go to the upper deck (but not the upper deck) with Devon and her father. He seems to get drunk without drinking anything. He has glasses and whitish hair and doesn't remember telling me about the turtle in the front yard. Turtles come up somehow. Devon starts to seem like shes uncomfortable. When she has to leave we leave together and she is getting on a train and Ive handed her a bag of pot and for some reason she has my cellphone. Then she gets on the train and accidentally has my cellphone although she throws my pot back in the bag at the last minute.

I am at the upper deck working on something when Mr. Gray comes up to me and asks me where Devon is. I dont know and I try calling her number and Alecs but I can't get through to anyone.

Lots of things, ok. So part of it is that I am with Mr. Bohan for some reason and he re-reads me like every card I've ever written and points out where things get sloppy. He is sort of advising me, sort of patronizing me in a way. What is Lindsay doing? I tell her about it. I am at their house which is sort of like a condo on a dark street and then I am on the dark street. Right before I wake up I am standing outside a venue or something where Will is inside and he sees me and I am self conscious because I know I have come there alone and he was not expecting me to and possibly I have traveled far...

Ok, middle dream (I think); There is a big art show in Charleston like Kulture Klash but there are more women involved, its going on during the day time, and it seems a bit classier. I am a student or at least involved in a young student-y way. I come in knowing I have some stuff in the show and am suprised by all the women and vaguely charleston people working there who come up to me...a woman says that she has never sold so much work at one time ( at this event) nor has she had as many comments as to "how brilliant" the work is. I am totally agape at the whole thing. I become an instantaneous art star...someone who seems kind of like john maccallum comes up to me delivering a message from this other guy artist (he looks like seth corts and paints a bit like tim hussey maybe and is apparently rich and famous off his art) inviting me to go on an "art tour" with him- all expenses paid with nice hotels...basically in the dream i become a rock star for painting and then afterwards I go to Lindsay's house where her Dad points out all my failures to me.

(gma night # 2 in hospital)

i've just moved into a little apartment which is actually just a room exactly like my childhood bedroom. i live in a town which seems like a pseudo-charleston. i think about how no one will want to come over my house. then i am at a writing event in this building that has ne large table we sit at. i dont go over any writing. i get involved with terence bohan and sleep with him. either he turns into rick or i find rick later, but rick is there. he has pot and comes to my apartment. i see andrea mcgrath on a couch and she has pot and we smoke out of my chillum, which is hers in the dream. i end up moving back into the same aparment after i've moved out and i hate it, i sill something all over the bed, or the cats do.

catchup dream excerpts from the past month

in one dream i am looking at a one or two bedroom apartment in charleston and thinking how beautiful it is and how much i want to live there but then i realize i have no money and i dont know how ill pay for it and i consideer trying to rent it for one month only.

in another dream i've forgotten to lock the doors and i come home and the living room (at nane's) is completely wiped out, nothing in it at all and i realize that someone came in and stole everything and that it was all my fault. i am so scared. then andy comes and says oh well, we couldnt sell any of that stuff anyway. i am very upset with myself.

in another dream i've slept with someone, maybe anson and then i am on a bus with will or an airplane and i keep trying to talk to him and grab his sleeve but he won't talk to me.


* in other news i saw a dream interpreter on the tyra show who said that a house in dreams is supposed to represent oneself!

i am in charleston only it is nothing like charleston. there are no houses or something. everyone is planning to leave. i have come to visit but everyone is driving to new york. john and alex and maybe will and chelsea are all planning on driving to new york. i may be moving in or out of charleston. i keep trying to find people that aren't there. i feel like they are planning this trip to new york behind my back or without me. i feel left out.

i think its chip-- its like ive moved back to charleston but my whole life's been mixed up there. everyone is from everywhere. we are trying to find booze-- wine? i end up hanging out with max- and only max? i remember thinking of course it would be always max i can depend on always. then its chip i think, maybe i own a mansion. its chip but its not supposed to be chip. i can't remember his name.

i am tripping shrooms at some point and someone tries to makes me drink orange juice but i don't want to...i decide orange juice and vitamin c in general are bad for me...my parents have bought a new house, they never told me they were selling our old house, and i am staying at nane's but i am supposed to be moving to another part of nane's house which is like an attached building but my mom never showed me where the entrance and locks were. i end up at my parents new house and they are really mean to me and i end up drinking a lot of red wine and getting in my car and pretending to drive to nane's but really i drive to charleston. i get to charleston and stop at a bar which in the dream is vickery's but looks more like upper deck. i go around the corner and stand in front of a table where andrea (michaels brodericks friend) is sitting talking to someone. i think the stairs are behind her but they're really in the next room. i walk over to where they really are and anson comes out of a group of people and says hey. i'm not sure if we hug. he asks me if i have been "blacking" a lot lately which means tanning and i say no and go to the bathroom. there is black makeup all over my face because i had been sobbing all the way there, so i clean myself up. me and anson walk outside and are talking. we get into a u-haul which i guess is his car. then i can see in the rearview that megan has just gotten there and is out front at vickery's. anson jumps out of the car. i already know that theyre back together. i just sit there but at some point i draw some stuff and leave something for anson on the pavement of the parking lot...then they come out together into the parking lot like they're going somewhere and megan opens the driver's door of the u-haul like she is going to get in but anson yells something and she doesn't. the whole time she doesn't even turn her head so she doesn't see me but it seems strange that she wouldn't. i run out after that and hop from stone to stone back to where my car is and i know anson is watching me leave. after that i take the car and go to the beach (there is a period where ive left something in these peoples backyard and i end up in a pond of ducks and the lady of the house comes outside). at the beach i see john and we get high but when he comes i am sort of levitating because i had read if you jump up higher and stay calm you come down slower. then when he gets there i show him how i am jumping up so high and i start floating upward only i can't control it anymore and i keep getting higher and then at some point it seems like its too high and i get scared and then something happens, i forget exactly what, but the fear goes away.

it is the summer and a big group of people are at someones house in charleston. it is a pool party. at first i think it is tory's house but there is a wide elevator ish cage thing with two doors one on each end where the front door of the house is which i remember was someone else's house. maybe it was katherione pelzer's. there was two things that seemed dangerous about it. one was the door thing. bryan gaynor and bobby olsen fly in from new york. they see me but i don't go up to them right away. i must be the only person they know there but they talk to everyone and i don't even go talk to them for a few hours. bryan says he only likes things that have no serious connection at all or something like that. i think maybe we go back to new york.

october 23rd 2009

We wished there was a movie theater in Charleston that was open all night. I was running down the stairs as the elevator door closed on my friends. I was wearing my pink sneakers which I told alex were hers because shed worn them once for a week. After that she told me she didn’t like how I wore them and that I was ruining them. I had to remind her that they were really my sneakers and it was just a joke that they were hers. Kennedy comes to a house where me and Chelsea and will and john and paige are living. We drink a lot of wine and I find out I did all sorts of things I hadn’t known id done the next day. We go to a thrift store and kennedy is stealing a dress with the hanger too. Some woman comes up behind her and takes the dress out of her bag. She is a large black woman with a pink vinyl wallet. Kennedy says her name, she knows who she is. The woman says we don’t have to steal and buys the dress. After this is when I start to think Charleston is too small and go by the movie theater, which exists but is closed,and charleston feels a lot like paris but is too small