few days ago - flea market - mom friends - waiting - crying

random dream fragments from the past few weeks;

growing another toenail under my big toenail


few days ago;

at some kind of big flea market with lots of outdoor vendoors almost like a festival and im there with my mother and maybe chris is there somewhere and some other people or friends are there with us too but im there with my mom and standing there waiting for chris or whoever isnt there who is wandering around --- and i dont want to go anywhere for some reason, i just want to wait---

and then all the outdoor booths are closing and its something like the marshfield fair and suddenly i want to go around and look at everything i missed--- and i can feel all the booths closing down all around me and i can see them somehow--- and i start crying and getting hysterical , feeling like i missed it all --- and getting upset at my mother like its her fault 

dreams from the last month -- real housewives new york city tinsley

i am crying because i am a cast member of the real housewives of new york and we were all sponsored through college but tinsley didn't go to any of her classes and failed out of the program --

im seeing all of tinsleys failures at academia flash before my eyes before i start crying for her and then i wake up

8/8/2017

8/8/2017

RIGHT BEFORE I WAKE UP-

Pulling up to this town center (not norwell) with my mom and shes yelling kinda about how she always has to wash my pants and I wear so many pairs of pants a day, out of nowhere, - in the middle of the street there are two long wood tables with different ice cream places giving out samples, cold stone creamery is one, she is taking me to a restaurant I work ar so I can change into a lime green simple sleeveless dress (like that red one ive had forever)

Something about you wear your clothes like linen or make a mess like linen/ something like a song lyric

I am saying how we need another house in Cohasset because we just got stuck in some townie traffic

Before this I dream this whole movie

With Allison Williams she comes down to this chamber, it’s a sci fi like thing, and all these girls are living or going to school in this very sterile chamber habitat and there is something white and glowing in long drawers like you might put one long cadaver in and allsion Williams comes down one morning at the beginning of the movie and doesn’t say anything but sits on a bench in the chamber where the long glowing thing is kept and one of the headmasgter women is there and then she cuts her hand seemingly without cutting it on anything and bleeds out and dies and there is one picture still image of her holding a headband and bleeding and her eyes are wide and shes about to die, but she never says anything but we know she knew something before her death

Somehow I knew Allison Williams was going to die in the beginning of the film but the whole thing seems very real and I start sobbing in the dream and make myself wakeup

Lena dunham is in the future school to and the movie continues with her opening the cabinet and going into the white glowing stuff and inside of the white glowing stuff is purple hard stuff like memory and something has to happen with this this way not sure what

dreamed Will showed up somewhere out of nowhere kind of, he was sort of a mess, upset and maybe because I was with someone else, but I couldn't quite sort it out. I didn't feel as though I was doing anything wrong. It seems like there were more people there. Dream seemed like it happened somewhere familiar but I can't quite place it. I remember vaguely his hair looking all stringy and ragged and he was crying and he didn't quite look like himself more like a cartoon version of himself or like he was blurring at the edges and not quite contained in his person.

Antonia wearing a SHIRT that says cakes on it and pointing it out and thinking its funny (corrob with coriander drawing circa today?)

Alvan guiding me through a situation

Somewhere at a party like Dave Trees I am in the corner of the front room and have a raised view like I would be floating in the corner...

Travis trying to complain to anyone about something + crying and looking for someone to validate his crying but I don't appreciate it

Traveling with Erin and Leslie and maybe their parents, further and further down into the ocean, going further down each level on a series of steps. We are traveling down staircases and Erin keeps jumping and then landing on the bottom steps like she forgot they would be there or something and then she sits there and cries, almost like a character that keeps messing up on a video game. It is like a giant caver that becomes the ocean. At the bottom of the steps before I wake up there is shallow water and I look into the water and see little sea unicorns. I wake up and draw the sea unicorn.

Something to do with the Channel...Joyce was there, I think I was crying and trying to talk to her. Maybe there was water or flooding and stairs and staircases. Some kind of delivery trying to get done. I overslept.

I wake up and Sharon is in my grandmother's room crying and hysterical because the sheets are wet and the alarm keeps going off and I guess she lives in the apartment with us and sleeps in the other room. I realize its my fault because I didn't change the sheets when I knew they were wet and I tell her I'll take care of it and she leaves.

I am reading a letter I've kept folded up without reading from Maria saying how much shes going to miss me when I leave Charleston and I read it and try to send her a text saying how much I miss her but it all just comes out as little squares running over one another. This happens when we are walking through a sort of back field summer camp where everyone is asian and they are all playing baseball or riding bikes or skipping and are wearing baseball caps and stuff. I think maybe sara silk is there. I go over to a creek and am trying to walk on the big stones near the edge. what seems like the head asian camp counselor starts yelling at me. I am trying to jump across on a little stick thats only part in the water. Then she comes over and I think she jumps across.

Before this I think I am in an airport and we are trying to go to Jaqueline Hall's house for this party. I need to get in touch with Lindsay but we get split up at some point but this is later on a bus because she has to get off at a different stop than me but I think I am worried about her being better friends with everyone or maybe she is supposed to help out. I think we both are but don't or it seems like we are underage because at the party we have to pay a few bucks for the two leftover beeers in the fridge (but there are more unopened beers in the back).

At the airport I get out and there is this guy who walks next to me and starts talking to me. I am not in a great mood because I think I am worried about the party with Lindsay. I am wearing a long black dress that is sort of stretchy and clingy- not to the floor. He rides next to me on the escalator andd he talks the whole time. He is saying how he knows I probably think I don't want to talk to him and all that but how he would be a great person for me and stuff like that. He is odd and entertaining and I don't say anything because he just keeps talking. He is no one that I've seen or met before. We go into one part of the airport once we leave the terminal where it seems like there is a wraparound bar and all they make are different kinds of slurpees in these flat top square spinny machines. We leave there and go over to this other place which is a real bar and before I sit down he has already ordered two beers which are short guinesses and come with little chalots (i think about how whoever said that guiness isnt vegan) so i pour in the guiness and drink it and am talking to him at first and then girls i know start to come over and i end up talking to them. then sara silk comes over and she is talking to the two girls i am with who seems to be better friends with her than i am which maakes me feel strange in a way and wish i was better friends with sara still. Her neck is long and sort of veiny and i think about how she looks like a mini adult - sara or like the blonde woman in modern family in a way.

At another part Uncle Andy comes in and it is 7 am and he is banging around in the kitchen. This must have happened after I got up and gave Nane her meds because I am confused why he is upset but it seems obvious that it is at me. So I show him the log and tell him I've already given her her meds at 6 and that I got back on time last night and put her to bed. He is still very upset and my grandmother is up at the table and he gives her some milk. I ask him if he gave her her meds again because I think maybe that is why he is trying to feed her but he says no. I leave the room and when I come back in I have just heard a loud noise and it seems like hes shot through a book of piano sheet music that I had. He tells me how things are going to be around here and is apparently upset at my having fun and/or interests. He wants these things to stop he says.

*Another thing happened on the bus which made it seem sort of more like a "college bus" where before I had thought it was more of a "high school bus" because of what was happening...There was this girl on the bus and she was giving a speech on the bus because she had been chosen to and she was just sortof reciting it out the window by herself but everybody was listening and I guess this is what she was supposed to be doing. Anyway she was starting off about how she at first felt it was so important for her to be taking this medication because she really felt like she had a sharper grasp on her intellect on this medication and it helped her to be in a certain state "rhymed with humour" at which point everyone laughed and seemed to know what she was talking about but i couldn't understand what it was and then i figured out it was "tumour" and then the whole speech turned out to be her talking about recovering from her brain tumour and stuff (i'm not sure if this ever or how it did follow back to the part about medication which i was actually interested in). Anyway, I began to realize who she was and how I knew her and why she really annoyed me (because she did). She seemed sort of like Danielle's friend who I met breifly and who she lives with who used to be anorexic and is rich but in the dream I realized that she was some girl who worked at The Halsey and I figured she only got to work at The Halsey and give this speech on the bus because she had this brain tumour that didn't kill her. It was a sort of a negative way to feel I guess but there you go,

*very strange i think in dream terms that someone should say "that thing that rhymes with humour and I am the only one who can't figure it out even though I am the one having the dream...although I did eventually get it

Uncle Andy, Erik, Mom, Dad and me are all living in one house...there may be more family living there as well but I'[m not sure. Uncle Andy is living with us because he and Carol have split up...it also seems like she has died perhaps or been very cruel to Andy. Uncle Andy and Erik both feel like its a little below them to be living in the house with the rest of us and they decide to run for a position in the local election. Then everyone goes to sleep and I am the only one awake for a long time. While they are sleeping I also run for election and by the time they wake up the voting has already happened and I have been elected as an official. They are only slightly put off and I don't care because they are both very self-serving in their attitudes at this point in the dream...I think I may have ran purely to stop them from being elected and/or to show them that the public does not support their attitudes...also just to see what would happen...also because I felt they underestimated me.

Then me, my mom and Uncle Andy are driving in a car. Andy is upset about Carol- I don't know why I feel like she's died but I know they have split up and perhaps she has both the girls on her side and Uncle Andy is not allowed to see them- We are driving in a parking lot and making jokes and Andy, who is very sad, seems to cheer up a little bit...but then we see Carol and Leslie I think walking through the parking lot. I am sitting in the front seat and try to block them from Andy's view with my head but it doesn't work. Andy asks us to pull over so we do. We get out of the car and are standing on a wood-slat dock of sorts over a creek. Uncle Andy gets out of the car and starts crying. My mom disappears at this point and the car starts to slide over into the water...Uncle Andy tries to keep the car from going in and at first it is sort of funny (the parking lot seems like the parking lot outside of Leslie and Erin's highschool in Marblehead) but then Andy falls into the water. I am standing on the wood dock trying to pull him out of the water but he keeps slipping.

I dream that Ricky texts me "let me take you out tonight?" I imagine that I text him back "No. Let me take you out."

i am with some group being led by a woman, i think maybe it is all girls. first we are having an art show and all my artwork comes out shitty and has the worst spot in the show and no one buys any of it. i start to feel really bad. then we are having a singing recital and i don't get any solos and all my songs suck. i'm not sure when i start crying but i do. then during the recital i am trying to sing my one part in the chorus and i've lost the pages and can't remember the words. i feel like a failure at everything and am real upset and no one else is. what a sad dream i've had!