listening to a song by britney spears during her conservatorship, it sounds different , her voice sounds good,

its fall

at my parents house but its a big old dark colonial type house and i go into a little room to play some kind of music and somebody starts putting the window down from the outside and its maggie clune and she says hey jessie and i say hey 

and  i walk outside and we walk over to her house and she has this big dapple grey horse and he comes running up to us acting like  a puppy and i ask her if she rides him and she says she does and i want to ride him so bad and i ask if hes a girl

and her dad is out there and says no hes a gelding and thyen lets two little ponies out of a gate and they are two tiny little white ponies 

i love this horse and want to ride him so bad and want a horse so bad 

going around knowing will is in town... knowing hes at some school somewhere... first i am working or something... and im drunk and i know hes there at this place but i dont want to go late at night when im drunk but maybe im also trying to find it... feels like im walking around a grocery store...

being somewhere else and it starts to feel stupid because i know will is near by so i go to the building

when i go to the building i go up stairs and theres a big group of people in a classroom sitting down at desks and will is in the classroom and i guess they are all taking some kind of test...

and i go in and walk around and people know me and will sees me

and somehow in the background they are playing my music and whatever song it is is almost acapella and kind of strangely paced and i am wondering if it is musical enough , feeling slightly

self conscious

i go in the room and walk around but i dont sit down and take the test, i think i just see will and leave

and then i am downstairs in the building by a back door and looking through a window and i see will and his gf julia and she is wearing a red shirt that says radisson inn or something, some kind of inside joke t shirt that means shes staying there at a hotel ? or they are staying together maybe

and will is taking pictures of her on a phone and shes smiling  

dreams from last week johhny two legs lil bleachy

1.

go do a show somewhere on tour like philadelphia but not sure and ive got art everywhere and people are trying to buy it

and not sure i want to sell it or something

and then johnny two legs is there like i asked him to come meet me there

it is after the show and the show is ending , maybe im unprepared, moving art around

johnny two legs takes me to a room full of trap doors and little enclosures underneath the floor and he is showing it to me almost like a segment on 60 minutes

talking about how all these art scene people used to live here in these little rooms and now its been shut down and no one lives there anymore

and then it seems more like new orleans


2.

saturday night --

lil bleachy and trying to get back to lil bleachy but being pulled away by everything else but i guess going to fux lil bleachy

in some kind of social situation

hug for a moment a tiny little body

ADAM SANDLER STAGEHAND GIG CAMPING VENUE

DOING SOME KIND OF STAGEHANDY GIG, AT SOME KIND OF BIG SHOT CELELBRITY EVENT OR SHOW BUT ALSO FEEL LIKE IM WORKING IT OR PART

OF PUTTING IT TOGETHER, ONE PERSON THERE IS THIS KINDA OLDER GUY WITH A

HORSESHOE SHAPED MALE BALDING PATTERN AND LONG DARK BROWN HAIR

HE IS KINDA STANDING OUTSIDE BEHIND THE BACK STAGE DOOR WHICH IS OPEN

AND THEN SOMEHOW I KNOW HE IS ADAM SANDLER AND HE IS JUST NOW RETIRING FROM PLAYING MUSIC

(IN WAKING REALITY WHEN I WAS LEAVING NEW YORK I SAW A BILLBOARD FOR ADAM SANDLER PLAYING GUITAR AT MOHEGAN SUN AND ALSO FOUND OUT YESTERDAY THAT JOE FROM THE JOE SHOW LIED TO ME ABOUT BEING AN EXTRA IN THE HUBIE HALLOWEEN ADAM SANDLER MOVIE WHICH MAKES SENSE BECAUSE HE SAID HE JUST WALKED AROUND AS HIMSELF  AND THEY [PAID HIM 5O BUX AND HE NEVER SAW ADAM SANDLER. WHEN HE TOLD ME HE LIED ABOUT THIS HE DIDNT SAY HE LIED HE SAID HE JUST AGREES SOMETIMES BUT I ASKED HIM ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND HE ANSWERED ALL OF THEM WITH MADE UP DETAILS SO I TOLD HIM THAT IS CALLED LYING)

I GO AND TALK TO ADAM SANDLER AND I GUESS THIS IS SOME KIND OF WEEKEND FESTIVAL TYPE THING-- HE REMINDS ME KIND OF OF STEVE KIMOCK---

BECAUSE I GO OVER WITH HIM TO HIS CABIN AND TALK OUTSIDE THE CABIN AND MAYBE GO IN THE CABIN

I GUESS I FELT A LITTLE SORRY FOR HIM AND THEN DIDNT WANT HIM TO QUIT MUSIC AND THEN WE BECAME FRIENDS 

group home will ukulele john cremona

go somewhere where austin is living and it is like a group home and almost like my grandmother is living there, there is a long hallway that has a kitchen and a social area and all the rooms are connected to that

will shows up there and his girlfriend is there with him and i love his girlfriend and she is really sweet and nice and kooky and trying to do some kind of experiment in the bathroom, she seems very young like a little kid

and will is there and we are really getting along and i can tell he loves me and the girlfriend doesn't seem to mind but he is touching me through my clothes and im suprised the girlfriend seems so cool and doesn't mind and wonder if they are broken up and just friends now

but its clear if we were alone it would be different it would be more

its some kind of party at the group home


then im on the street with a ukulele with john cremona in new york and we go into this little wooden divey music bar (maybe its the bitter end) and a girl with a guitar sings a song

and i run out because i want to write the song down and try to do the same thing on ukulele but i just run to the other side of the bar not outside and when i come back john cremona is outside and said he cant take the vibe in there in not so many words

and i go back in and there is a short man with a mustache or a goattee asking for a cover charge now and i say i left my wine in there cuz i did (red wine) and he is grabbing me by the arm immediately and barely lets me in to get the wine so i see how the vibe changed and i go find my wine and a guy there is about to pick it up and i say 'thats my wine' and take it and he is very hurt by this and i apologize several times to him

then jonathan and laura garvey show up in the room and they are with this guy (and i vaguely realize the guy is supposed to be matt lawrence and maybe is hurt that i didnt recognize him ? and where did this come from?-- possibly from talking to his mom in waking life who works at the public library ?)

and then sitting in a circle on the floor with jonathan and laura garvey and matt lawrence and then laura garvey wants to teach me some traditional song on ukulele and my ukulele had only 2 strings and i pick it up and a string falls off so it has only one string

and i go outside to talk to john cremona 

DREAMS FROM THE PAST WEEK

1. with someone who is like colleen shea at first and also like sinclair from tennessee and also like katie clancy by the end of the dream. with her and a guy who is like christian comeau and chris valverde. and we are all together and i guess they are in a relationship. i find myself attracted to the christian comeau / valverde. we are in one place and decide we are going to new york -- chris and katie leave somehow and i lam sitting in a chair that starts zooming through the air at the height of a plane --- it is very rocky and i am barely hanging on , it is very scary but i survive-- we end up in new york going to colleen sinclair katies mothers luxury apartment in new york city which is inside a big building that is like a grand hotel. we go to play basketball and the basketball court is a tiny circular platform with hoops on it and no guard rails and is maybe 100 feet in the air above the next floor. colleen is nervous about playing basketball on this platform. christian valverde kind of chides her is kind of mocking her or disgruntled and judging of this like shes a pussy or something. i say i am uncomfortable too.

we are walking out on the steps of the grand hotel luxury apartment and i ask her if the people know her here--

2. i am on a family vacation with artwerk666 with my dad and she is very grumpy and maybe we are sisters. she seems upset and is not talking and like maybe she hates me, we are in a car or on a bus at some point. my dad is there. i start to wonder if she is jealous over my dad or our parents, its like she wants to be with them and doesn't want me there but like maybe we are sisters

3. go to some crazy place a barroom some crazy event where i am supposed to play and bob dylan is there and i see him in  the crowd with a hat on leaning near a wood pillar close to the stage -- its a woozy kind of atmosphere -- i think he sees me play but i dont know

i go in the same place or maybe not and see myself in something like an orgy with people S-in my Ts

go into a bathroom and start to pee and its way more pee and pee pressure than is normal and the pee is coming back up and getting all over me

I

living in this house and somehow osman ozzy comes there out of nowhere and i'm remembering that his parents live in the house with us in the hall across from my room but then i remember that they actually moved,

he is there and im feeling his head trying to remember if hes balding or not but hes not (think im confusing him for a minute with north end ricky)

we have sex and go out together and i find him again but hes also not there forever and going back to turkey

i am with him at some point in a basement type room at his uncles house?

II

at some place that seems like a big gym at a school but is supposed to be the out of the blue and there are scattered few paintings up on the wall and not the best feeling like no ones into my paintings and the ones i have there are not the best but throws me back

to a 'memory' of being there when mike greenstein came in and only wanted to buy my paintings--

III.

outside kathryn tajimas car with her mother and sister and my mother and they are talking about how their step father was such a creep and would try to lick their faces and now they are talking about it and exposing him and i tell kathryn tajima 'im sorry but i didnt know !' and she says but i did know i knew that her stepfather chased her out of the house and i am wondering about my diaries and if its in there cuz i dont remember

IV

go to some country music show in a wooded type mall type theater showcase where everything is connected and wooden... with megan kelly  and irish dave and dave tree are there also and i dont realize its the country music awards that are happening but tickets are 100 dollars, im on the phon e with will and hes having some kind of event somewhere and im trying to stay on the phone with him but its hard to hear and when the phone dies its the old nokia brick phone and im trying to leave the country music award thing to go meet will, i use the bathroom there and i think - who else is there, ron from pro event ? some other guy i think is holding the door - but then an older black man with a doo rag comes in when im done but before i leave the stall... and a band is up front in this bar part starting to play and the guy sounds like dave tree and i tell dave tree that cuz hes right next to me and the guy is saying the song titles to his songs and one is 'picasso' and they all sound familiar-- dace tree says theyre gonna play at his place soon

3/7/2017

john hopper maccallum shows me  a 'video' of paige in an asian orgy . i look at her and she sees me looking and pulls out of the scene and puts me in a pool where i start swimming.

i am with frankas and he is drunk , we are at the space then we are at my parents place. i am asking hin to make love to me, we dont.

i am observing frankas jenny and karen zanes doing a song in room 3 at emf

Will has put a picture of me and him on FAcebook and he calls me baby in it and I have blonde and pink hair, which he mentions.

I am looking through a bag of paper and collage bits and find two ten dollar bills and two five dollar bills.

Frankas thinks I am going to have Alzheimer's because I have messed with my memory. My mother asks me if he's torturing me.

I keep thinking back to the photo will put up. We are in a big banquet hall like hotel staying at this hotel, me and my whole family and getting ready to go to this big recital. Will is going to be in it. Maybe Frankas is going to be at it too. 

I am running around a big mall in the hotel putting on makeup and perfume to get ready for the show. It seems formal. I don't know what will happen or when I will run into who.

Frankas Antonia and I go to an event at this place that she knows, some kind of educational facility, we go and sit at a table. Frankas is dressed up like a woman wearing a kind of a garden party outfit. we are sitting at the table and i notice some blood on his face. then i notice his nose is bleeding and i tell him and he leaves. i forget what happens at the party after that,

either i leave and com back or i never leave. you walk into this place and it seems like they are always serving some kind of sponge loaf of bread. i think maybe i went first with antonia and they had the sponge bread and then we came back with frankas.

when we are leaving their is a kind of woody academic looking hall of sorts with pews in it where people go through or stay in on their way in or out. artie lange comes in and everyone is greeting him. he is kind of a midget with a gigantic head, normal looking but gigantic like a bobble head and lots of hair and not that fat just a midget. and he is looking at us and is friends with everyone at this academy. i see him there more than once.

i go back again alone and up a set of stairs and it is a class going on, i just participate in the class very easily. one time we are watching a movie that could be described as 'magical realism' there is a boy and a horse that explodes into cigars and i am forgetting the plot but it was very loose.

i go back again and the teacher had passed out a one page pamphlet writing type thing for everyone to read before the class, i don't have one so i turn around to leave and she follows me out into the hall. i ask her if she has any extra papers but she says no. she shows me the paper and i realize its some kind of propaganda poster related to that movie we watched with the little boy and the horse.

antonia shows up looking different a few times.

i go back again and there are two girls at a table kind of like a cafeteria table. another time i am eating the sponge cake or whatever and there is one girl with blonde hair kind of like dana and i guess this place or a nearby place outside this place is a music school. i have the vague idea that we are still in boston. a man comes up out of nowhere and he sounds like ryan douglass but he is a little bit older man and he is coming to talk to dana and tell her how  great her music is and how special he thinks it is and how she should play her guitar out on the street and get students for music lessons and play the students her music. he is saying this stuff to her and she just acts very clearly creeped out by him. she says "you seem really happy" in a kind of petrified kind of way...

then later at the table i am asking one girl about the school, also with long blond hair but a different girl. and she says she's been going there for a long time and I'm asking her about how do they teach and what she remembers and she is trying to think of what she remembers the most and her mannerisms are kind of funny and me and the girl next to me are kind of laughing at that in an inclusive way.

then there is a big food serving, and i guess this is what we're all waiting for, becuas we've just been at the table talking about the school and an older woman comes in and asks whats going on and someone says we have a sub or something today so then they bring out this hot pasta and stuff and put it in the other room.i goto get some and am preparing a great bowl which i misplace.

travis shows up here and is annoying somehow I'm not sure what he does but i end up kicking him and hitting him and every time i do he complains very loudly and says his shoulder is broken and says how hurt he is but also like he's encouraging me to hit him and just wants to show the other people there how hurt he is by me and i am trying to show them what a liar he is and a scape.

when i look for my food bowl it has been almost eaten, one of the other students points at it and i can see its been eaten and they say some little kid came in and ate it so i am trying to re-prepare the food bowl.

dreamed i was playing my samick acoustic guitar (had it back ) maybe on stage, sounded good. right before i woke up was playing music with the frankezoid. we were both playing on one organ and the keys sounded better than ever before in a way, he was holding down a chord or something to my left and i started going between three keys descending towards him and the tones were lovely and almost jazzy sorrowful but beautiful and not blues quite. made me think whether the positioning of the keys in the dream matched up with the tones correctly and whats the difference!!

Frankezoid is recording us playing music together, two guitars it sounds like, and he is playing the recordings for people so I know he has recorded us. I am nervous about how other people might react but nothing bad happens. I love the music and I love the frankezoid. I can't tell for sure what state he's in but I see him In his office 04 and playing the music for willow and I hear the music and it is a deep form of communication.

Sara Silk and I are sitting at a table with someone across the table, I think Kelsey. We have notebooks out and are working on a song we are supposed to have written. Sara Silk starts rapping and her rap is very fluid and good and I realize I've forgotten to write my rap, I start writing one ;

Yo, let me pour some gravy
Theres a few in the marines but theres a boatload in the navy

Before/ after this I am in Fortpoint area and it seems like a warehouse. I go to see John Cremona and there are other people there. He seems like he is going a little manic because of the attention of the community, its kind of like 300 summer with all the doors off and partially outside, a bit like a warehouse party in Charleston but still Fort Point, in one part there is a cement square open space between the buildings with painted murals on the walls. Glinda is there and they are both a bit on edge. I think of how the situation with my father would explain something and wonder why I don't tell them. John Cremona looks more and more like David Bowie and I wonder if he is David Bowie. He is supposed to perform for somebody like a critic or a small audience. We are in a room with a piano and some framed photos on the mantle of the piano, not quite John's studio and he grabs an electric guitar and kneels on the floor with his knees flat and his feet behind him. He shows us that he is superhuman or a musician because he starts to play this song and while he does his face goes back and forth between being covered in makeup and being normal, each time it goes back and forth a little different, clown makeup but different colorings, white with blue clown tears and then black. After this he goes around with Glinda and is giddy. On the stairs he is jumping around and acting kind of like a wild man. I am not doing much but silently being there/ supporting him, ready to defend him but no one really tries to attack him on anything even though I feel like maybe he is expecting it and its influencing his actions.

maybe i make a pie and you make a stew

tiny little kittens are jumping on my hands and biting them.
there is a parachute or air balloon flapping in the wind.
matt and maria are asking if i think there is lice in the outhouse. the outhouse is the upstairs bathroom but it is an outhouse, goes all the way down. they say they are itchy, they have lice. i say, you mean fleas. & they say no, lice. i say you brought me into a house full of lice?
Peacock walks by outside the studio and i think my body language makes it hard for him to come talk. he comes over and says he has some appointment tomorrow and can't meet at 2. He doesn't know when he can meet, but he wants to. he seems inspired, like he needs to paint, he says he's got to focus which is why i know he needs to paint. he paints on sundays.
maria writes a poem about Peacock, how he says "I'd rather be a poet than a photographer". I try to say something but don't, I hear the poem like a strange music.

* when i can't sleep i imagine apocalyptic scenes and what kind of art would be the least destroyed. I think it is music, because the last instrument to remain is the voice and the most common knowledge in art is the melody and words to songs.