in a classroom somewhere with will and other people in it , the class is revolving around madonnas ass, a big screen showing madonnas ass cheeks in a grey leotard , and then i am standing at the top of the class over a table with a guitar layed kind of on its back throwing flattened metal bottle caps across the top of the guitar kinda at will

and will comes up next to me and grabs my ass

then i am doing a show with heather mcdonald and chris franjola (who are playing on my phone in the waking world) and theyre talking to fast and my head and my mouth are like jello like i cant interject cuz theyre going too fast for me like leaving language entirely almost 

on vacation somewhere with my mom erin and leslie, somewhere like capri or italy-- light ocean tropical beaches-- and we keep going to the same restaurants like we're running out of restaurants to go to -- and we're going somewhere on the last night and we accidentally go to the same restaurant again and leslie and my mom say how i hug erin more than them and how uncle andy said the same thing and i say i realize that and i mean to hug them all more and want to get us all in a pile like the old days --

                                                            yesterday;

will somewhere, maybe somewhere cav is , looking for will maybe, at my parents house, petting chloe, upstairs and my mom is saying i need to get a dog, she knows about gilbie but i can see gilbie like he is there and fine right in front of me

                                                           day before;

 go to an arcade movie theater by myself and the movie starts and then the movie stops all of a sudden and a grey screen comes up and music starts playing like an intermission and there is a hungry hippos game in front of me and i start thinking i have time to play it during the intermission and first i try to put a euro in the machine and then i find a gold arcade coin and put it in and start playing and a dad in seats nearby kindof yells at me but i explain myself and we're ok, then i leave the theater and get lost and i have to go back up  a glass elevator to get back to the theater and then the movie is over and i missed it and everyone is leaving and i walk out of the theater in the crowd crying

                                                            day before;

austin rutledge comes over to my parents house and is upset about a movie, something, he leaves and im in my brothers room

going around knowing will is in town... knowing hes at some school somewhere... first i am working or something... and im drunk and i know hes there at this place but i dont want to go late at night when im drunk but maybe im also trying to find it... feels like im walking around a grocery store...

being somewhere else and it starts to feel stupid because i know will is near by so i go to the building

when i go to the building i go up stairs and theres a big group of people in a classroom sitting down at desks and will is in the classroom and i guess they are all taking some kind of test...

and i go in and walk around and people know me and will sees me

and somehow in the background they are playing my music and whatever song it is is almost acapella and kind of strangely paced and i am wondering if it is musical enough , feeling slightly

self conscious

i go in the room and walk around but i dont sit down and take the test, i think i just see will and leave

and then i am downstairs in the building by a back door and looking through a window and i see will and his gf julia and she is wearing a red shirt that says radisson inn or something, some kind of inside joke t shirt that means shes staying there at a hotel ? or they are staying together maybe

and will is taking pictures of her on a phone and shes smiling  

I

living in this house and somehow osman ozzy comes there out of nowhere and i'm remembering that his parents live in the house with us in the hall across from my room but then i remember that they actually moved,

he is there and im feeling his head trying to remember if hes balding or not but hes not (think im confusing him for a minute with north end ricky)

we have sex and go out together and i find him again but hes also not there forever and going back to turkey

i am with him at some point in a basement type room at his uncles house?

II

at some place that seems like a big gym at a school but is supposed to be the out of the blue and there are scattered few paintings up on the wall and not the best feeling like no ones into my paintings and the ones i have there are not the best but throws me back

to a 'memory' of being there when mike greenstein came in and only wanted to buy my paintings--

III.

outside kathryn tajimas car with her mother and sister and my mother and they are talking about how their step father was such a creep and would try to lick their faces and now they are talking about it and exposing him and i tell kathryn tajima 'im sorry but i didnt know !' and she says but i did know i knew that her stepfather chased her out of the house and i am wondering about my diaries and if its in there cuz i dont remember

IV

go to some country music show in a wooded type mall type theater showcase where everything is connected and wooden... with megan kelly  and irish dave and dave tree are there also and i dont realize its the country music awards that are happening but tickets are 100 dollars, im on the phon e with will and hes having some kind of event somewhere and im trying to stay on the phone with him but its hard to hear and when the phone dies its the old nokia brick phone and im trying to leave the country music award thing to go meet will, i use the bathroom there and i think - who else is there, ron from pro event ? some other guy i think is holding the door - but then an older black man with a doo rag comes in when im done but before i leave the stall... and a band is up front in this bar part starting to play and the guy sounds like dave tree and i tell dave tree that cuz hes right next to me and the guy is saying the song titles to his songs and one is 'picasso' and they all sound familiar-- dace tree says theyre gonna play at his place soon

Will has put a picture of me and him on FAcebook and he calls me baby in it and I have blonde and pink hair, which he mentions.

I am looking through a bag of paper and collage bits and find two ten dollar bills and two five dollar bills.

Frankas thinks I am going to have Alzheimer's because I have messed with my memory. My mother asks me if he's torturing me.

I keep thinking back to the photo will put up. We are in a big banquet hall like hotel staying at this hotel, me and my whole family and getting ready to go to this big recital. Will is going to be in it. Maybe Frankas is going to be at it too. 

I am running around a big mall in the hotel putting on makeup and perfume to get ready for the show. It seems formal. I don't know what will happen or when I will run into who.

January 28th and 30th

It's thanksgiving, weird thanksgiving in the woods somewhere, kind of like the table in hook with rufio and the lost boys. I have a horse that acts more like a dog. He is at the table. I feed him by hand. I have a trailer and the trailer is like a hangout and people can hang out in the trailer. Scooter boi is there. It is like a family gathering.

It changes from friend-family to my extended real family and the table and festivities are up in a tree house platform type of thing. Brandon and Christopher and Wendy and uncle Kenny are there. All the food is on one table and then the dining table is up on a raised platform in the tree.  I show up.

Will is there or not quite there and I am looking for him. I see him and he has a shaved head but it's like he can't see me. I go over to his house which is like his house but a tree house and there Is a little Christmas tree he made or something on the table which I recognize so I know it is his house. And his whole family is there for the holidays.

I am out in a muddy field then looking for a horse. Frankas is there and maybe scooter boi also. There is a horse. We find a golden retriever in the muck all covered in muck and maybe missing a leg. It looks like a muck monster. There must be some kind of muck storm going on thAt has covered up everything. In muck. It seems like the golden retriever would have died if we didn't find it.

Two days ago;

I am somewhere like a salon or some thing working for my mother and some other people and I leave to go get coffee and a few things for them--

I walk along a woodsy trail (kind of like walking through north Hampton when we went to happy jawbones house) and find a little River area and notice a baby manatee is sitting like a rock on the bank cause when he sees me he sinks back into the river.

I go to the edge of the bank and look for more animals. I start making a high pitched 'woot woot  whoop' noise at the wTers edge and dolphins and seals and manatees start to come up one by one and touch my hand with their noses and get pry and look happy and go back into the water. Then I hear something behind me. A gruff voice. I look behind me and there is a big black dog and then, for an instant - many big black dogs. Two dogs at each of my shoulders speak to me in a gruff voice and tell me not to call to the manatees or touch them. That they are diseased animals. I look back and I see the owner of the two dogs is talking to me through the dogs and it isn't really the dogs talking. I scold him for doing is to me and trying to scare me.

i am in a large supermarket that almost seems like the part of the cofc buildings where snap is located and student services, and is served to riverside community care... i know because i am in the spine between the supermarket and what must be riverside community care behind a set of glass doors because gail is on her phone outside the doors and i can tell she is working

i am looking for something in the grocery store...

i have to go back to the tank and when i get in the tank there are a couple of black rapper guys who i guess are watching the tank...alvan is not around...it appears things have been infiltrated by rappers...

will comes into the tank and i am thinking i will explain everything to him but i'm too busy with what i've got to do in my mind and i don't really talk to him, i guess it kind of seems like i'm ignoring him for some reason

but he is there, shows up, wearing a pink shirt, wearing a blue checkered shirt

*saw marykate and ashley olsen on the street in central square, talking to one another, me seeing them as if omniscient third party, marykate talking about/doing something with her hair, remember realizing it was them and being surprised at how human they were

^just now remembering this after seeing online article that ed burroughs posted saying marykate got married (with katie baker in the tank)

9/17/2015

go to this bar somewhere in connecticut

with the frankazoid

will is there he is surprised /naturalized to see me   he is the only person

i seem to know there         playing some kind of instrumental set

he comes here from new york to play sometimes he says

maybe we are also  supposed to play? but i don't think we are

weird sexual occurrences

will says he used to think something on the guitar that franks thinks was the way to go

i am going somewhere foreign to sleep

they are both trying to lick me or something at the same time     i think


i have come here with frankas  and will is making moves

and frankas is getting upset

and i am not sure how i feel


perhaps  #overhwelmed 

Watching moments/scenes in wills life and knowing I am not there for them; him hanging out with friends and playing guitar... At some point hulk hogan comes through a screen door or something, does a gag with will and I'm not sure if it is the real hulk hogan but it seems apparent that so ething big in the collective consciousness is going on with hulk hogan ( I see hogan and experience some kind of "aha!" Moment...is it me realizing I am dreaming? Does not seem like it

Walking through the forest on a nature walk (like Norris but not Norris) with Will and Chanel Graefe, first we are driving there and before that we are somewhere else... The three of us hiking and it's almost like we cross a bridge or there is a clearing on the path and then I see a tree and say something about a branch and (maybe I am talking a lot of my thoughts are scattered?) Chanel says that I am a lunatic but in a kind way and asks Will if he's sure this will make him happy for the rest of his life, something about how it's gonna matter soon.

I am supposed to perform for something at out of the blue. It seems in a different place, like an outdoor library, and a different town. I feel unready to perform and don't remember performing. Will is there somehow. And Tom is there but different. Maybe it's supposed to be New York. Someone pulls me out of trying to help out inside the out of the blue I think? And tells me about knowing when to leave a place and how I should have left already, telling me how to conduct myself and move art-- it is mostly about being direct and getting out quick. When he pulls me out ( almost seems like Vince but not totally) he brings me over to his car by the side of the road and it's the car and the sidewalk here that makes it seem like New York in my dreams (how New York is in my dreams which is different than it is in real life) -Toms thing , maybe caroline Sullivan is there too, something seems townie about it, but also like a poetry gathering and maybe people are coming to see me, and maybe will is there. 

At some kind of open air event where I find will and we hug each other and turn around in circles 

several weeks ago had a dream where will showed up drunk and apologetic. maybe we couldn't quite get through to one another. hair mussed.

In a movie theater with will and its not right for some reason and I want to leave but not in the beginning when the movie starts we are sitting together and I am on his right side and the movie seems like a cosmic star or a planet or I can feel or energy a syncing kind of like a ray of sunlight but more like a tunnel. Then I am at my parents house like I must be in charge or have some kind of obligation there my brother is there too but my parents are gone and the place is Kind of a mess. Devon comes in and we go out to a restaurant and she falls about how she doesn't like drinking eor being around alcohol but she's saying it to my brother for some reason. She gives me an envelope but I never open it. Right before I wake up we are sitting on my parents couch and she asks me if I will tickle her back. She says "I don't want to see the things my family does for me"

Before this when we are just at the house Ricky a calls me on the phone to talk about our relationship and I just can't believe that he's even calling me.

Someone is leaving and I guess it must be Devon's birthday. I am leaving the house and someone comes running out with a portrait I can vaguely remember from portraits we were all doing, a group of girls. The girl is blonde and buck toothed and maybe holding a toothbrush. For some reason I want to call her Liz.

dreamed Will showed up somewhere out of nowhere kind of, he was sort of a mess, upset and maybe because I was with someone else, but I couldn't quite sort it out. I didn't feel as though I was doing anything wrong. It seems like there were more people there. Dream seemed like it happened somewhere familiar but I can't quite place it. I remember vaguely his hair looking all stringy and ragged and he was crying and he didn't quite look like himself more like a cartoon version of himself or like he was blurring at the edges and not quite contained in his person.

Dreamed I was moving intothis studio space/band space/ clubhouse above EMF, moving into it like a house in a way but also all my stuff was there. I am in there alone and it is sunny and bright like an attic, I am there at night breifly and there's a kind of party going on and I see Alvan. All these chairs and tables are arranged like a wonky U shape and I have to walk around behind them to get out either side. I find Brown Bear in a compartment underneath the tables and start carrying him around. Before that I am with my mother and Kathy Cook and Ryan and Dan Cook who is talking all about their pitbull and how she's a real pitbull...there is also a cat, like a sister cat to Lightly or something. We are at a museum or something and my momand I leave and go out through this auditorium type thing and are looking at this pizza kiosk that has allthese pizzas out on display (suddenly Devon Gray is with us also) my mom mentions that she sees a hummus pizza and I am walking around the kiosk looking for the hummus pizza.

Before that something with horses.

Maybe Will, maybe an airport, maybe new york.

Night before last- I am with Will or trying to find Will, there is a part where I am in a little trolley cargo car like in Donkey Kong 2 on rails coming out of a dark tunnel and Will is there following me out of the tunnel. We are both moving slow, like he can touch the cart easily.

Last night-Something like I am at EMF

I am going to a big bed somewhere to sleep with Will and then I remember I have my period and tell him and he turns into Olga and goes to the other end of  the bed and says he doesn't have sex on his period.

from last week

I am in a building like a town hall or a school. Will is coming to town with his band and they are about to be big or something. I am in the front hall/foyer of the building when he gets there. There are lots of people around. Will sees me and picks me up and we are hugging each other and I'm higher than all the people around me. Will says that the band needed a singer and he was thinking I could do it. It is kind of like we are