last week living room erik stabbing

in the living room in norwell with my parents and my brother erik and i am on the couch and my mom is over by the fireplace

and she says something to me , judgemental , mean, something that really gets to me and makes me angry and very emotionally upset

and erik is on the couch just laying there next to me maybe sleeping and i am upset but also realizing this is a dreAM

and so i start stabbing him because i know its a dream and there is red blood and even then i dont stab him too much because i know its a dream but i dont want to kill him

and then he is getting up and putting clothes on and staggering around like he is just getting ready to get his flight back to japan, very non emotional

and my parents are freaking out and im suddenly realizing its not a dream and i really stabbed him and im the bath room sobbing and freaking out and cant believe what i have done

and i wake up and realize it was a dream

in some kind of weird babe-like story with my family and my brother...living on this farm or on this farm visiting...and our grandfather comes down to the lake-pond in the back of the farm and he is naked and he bathes there and somehow i see this in pictures that perhaps my brother took...

then we are with my grandmother on a porch and she was going to take us away somewhere...it turns out she ties animals and people to the front of her house to make some kind of point...

it also turns out her mother died (maybe somewhat like howard stern's mother because i was listening to howard stern latenight) and we are not sure if she is sorry that her mother died...

i keep trying to figure out the story and it seems familiar like babe or something so i'm also kind of trying to figure out which fairytale type thing we are in and i'm getting confused and frustrated...

i go into a room with an older man i dont really recognize who i guess i was in some kind of relationship with ( i a aware of frankas somewhere and this is not frankas) and he tells me that woman at the party when we first got to the farm (which i remember again in pictures) was his wife

and he tells me we can't see each other anymore and i am pretty ok with it (although he doesnt notice) and then we go for a drive

i am with my family around the holidays. parents, erik, uncle kenny... end up getting in a fight and going "fuck you fuck you fuck you" to everyone.

something about blue.

lindsay comes over and sleeps over and we are going christmas shopping. everyone is all in this big christmas shopping store which is also a bar/restaurant attached.

am looking through all the items and then find my parents with antonia at the bar, having beer and she is having a cider. i go over but they don't get me  anything. i am still upset with them.

i am at some strange house that is supposed to be my mom's house. she comes in in a bath robe looking like she's been crying and says she's not going. i guess she got in a fight with erik and he slit both her cheeks, just like a little knife slit like the guy does to charlie sheen in platoon, but i guess he did it with his fingernails. she says she is not going to the party.

i am with antonia. we are going to the party it is her birthday party.

there is some odd work study girl who i only kind of know also at my mothers house staying mostly with my mother i guess.

i leave and go to another country that seems almost yiddish or -stani. i am thinking i might miss the party and I'm not sure if I'm allowed in this country. i see a pet store and i go in.

in the pet store there is one gray cockateil the size of a cockatoo in a large cage. there are other large and exotic parrot birds in cages. the cocktail is advertised for $6 and $6.$12 in total i am guessing. i ask the clerk woman about it. she says cockatiels are kind of boring. this one is missing some feathers under his beak and does not move at all.

i am thinking of buying the cocktail but i see a beaded kind of wide beaded necklace array and i think i should buy it for antonia's birthday. i ask the clerk woman for it.

one piece is a long wide beaded necklace. another piece is a beaded bag. and another piece is a beaded hat. antonia will love it. it is only $6.60. the pet store is also a bar. the clerk woman is very nice and grateful for my purchases. the country is kinder to me than i expected. i am glad i have come in.

i make it back to the apartment/house and there is still time to get to antennas party. i am packing lots of bird sticker materials and clothes and hiding the present in a duffel bag. it is going to be a kind of art party. by the ocean.

(at some point it feels like antonia and her sister turn into my cousins leslie and erin and we are consoling my mom, i only remember remembering this)

my mom and the work study girl have been watching a movie. i am secretly drinking wine or something and hoping i haven't too drunk,or was that after.

the work study girl wants to go to the party and then my mom wants to see the present i got antonia. she is going to drive us to the party. i am rifling through my duffel bag to find the present to show her.

Going to New Hampshire, see kaz in New Hampshire first maybe he is going on tour or something understanding how he has a job and things are different for him with the band... 

Then at my parents house and wanting to leave to go to New Hampshire to stay at the merits house which for some reason we can stay at but they won't let me go and I am upset and staying at their house and not wanting to be there

Then Erik and I are arriving at the merits place in New Hampshire and go by all thi stuff for free on the street outside and pick it up, their is a miniature organ and also a keyboard I think is mine that my parents have thrown out but turns out is. Different one long and skinny plugs into the wall very simple but does not play loud

Then my parents frankas and I are all on vacation on some kind of houseboat and they are going cliff climbing, I am just sitting spider style on frankas lap

My mom goes off the side of the house boat ledge and onto a gray cliff and my dad also goes, when my mom jumps onto. Rock of grey cliff material she causes it to rise upward like some kind of move on legend of the hidden temple, it goes very high and I am afraid of the height for a moment

4/27/15 dream recovery

Dave tree is outside the party at emf which is going on but it's not the emf building and more like sparell school with another guy who looks familiar in the dream but I don't know in real life he is drunk and I am semi surprised cuz he seems so businesslike in theft e, Dave tree seems fine not drunk. Just before then john hopper went into the building or I thought it was john by how he looked and realized it was Madison, I had just been at market basket and left my iPad on a park bench outside but got it, I brought some girl with me when I left the party to go around Boston and was telling her how I knew everybody in Boston I felt like and wished I could meet some new people, I was carrying her around with me more like a disembodied electronic thing than a person, paigecame to town but was trying to get into Adams tavern and I heard the conversation somehow, my brother was there and came in to show me his art up on the wall some black thing which was right where I put ,y art too below it, but I'm notable if I gotta tell him, there was some big fat guy With a backwards baseball hat who I was supposed to be in love with somehow or something's and everyone else was bothering me about rp

I am coming to meet my family somewhere in the cape. I walk in to our living room in Norwell and there is a little dog in a basket. I ask her who the dog is for and pick it up and hold it. It looks like a miniature doberman/ chihuaha and I ask her if its for me and she says something but its like shes not answering the question and I think its weird she didn't tell me about the dog. I look up and I realize she's telling me she's pregnant. For some reason I know she's pregnant because there's a large lump like a tumor hanging off her wrist. Then I think she's actually showing in a real way but I'm not sure.

Then I am in the minivan trying to get to the hotel where my family is and I pull into a long gravel driveway and my brother walks out and he is smoking what looks like a cigarette and turns out to be a joint. I wonder if he is upset about Mom being pregnant. He asks me if I want one of the joints and I do but then he kind of refuses to give it to me and I am trying to find a lighter and can't find one. It seems like I have to get my stuff out of a room in the hotel. I remember driving.

I dream I am around for whitey Bulger's trial- it is sort of like being
at camp. We are all sort of hanging out in this camp-yagoog like area like we live there. I think Devon is there. We are sort of waiting around and involved with whitey. I like him but I see him act sort of evil, I think he will take a liking to me though and I will be ok. He is wearing a t shirt with little squiggly cursive repetitive writing across it in a block formation, light blue. He is i9n the passenger side of a truck wearing a sort of trucker hat and thick dark glasses.

Yesterday I dreamed of the hill with the donkey inside the pen on the
side of the road in Williamsburg right as I was starting to fall asleep...and then the picnic tables there and the smell of hotdogs and pasta salad on a plastic plate. Later on I dream we are in a dark room on couches and under blankets watching a movie or something. Then the chorus line of thye little mice in the movie Babe comes into my head and I start singing it and then my Dad is on the other sofa and he starts singing the mice part too and he does a better job than I do, but its very pleasant.

Erik is coming home from college for a visit or something. I feel like we are on a train. It is cold outside or at least the trees look dead. Erik is talking about starting a fire. There's something that needs to be done at Cornell, I think. A certain square foot area needs to be accounted for in soome way and Erik has decided he will burn the area down liken a forest fire. My dad is hesitant about it. I start to see it as an evil plan. I get the feeling he wants people to die. It is going to be a disaster. It gets more sinister. He is set on the idea of the fire and does not listen. I think (in the dream) I understand his letter better.

I meet up with Will Milner, I think maybe outside Norwell High School. He has come to see me. He says he is giving it another shot with Capers and that things have gotten better. He seems sincere. I believe him. There is something I want to give him. I am wearing a backpack or he is and in the pocket there is the cat-head eraser ring I put on the necklace I made for Max...only I have given it to Will Milner and maybe he is trying to give it back. I ask him if he knew it was an eraser and show him how it erases.

Uncle Andy, Erik, Mom, Dad and me are all living in one house...there may be more family living there as well but I'[m not sure. Uncle Andy is living with us because he and Carol have split up...it also seems like she has died perhaps or been very cruel to Andy. Uncle Andy and Erik both feel like its a little below them to be living in the house with the rest of us and they decide to run for a position in the local election. Then everyone goes to sleep and I am the only one awake for a long time. While they are sleeping I also run for election and by the time they wake up the voting has already happened and I have been elected as an official. They are only slightly put off and I don't care because they are both very self-serving in their attitudes at this point in the dream...I think I may have ran purely to stop them from being elected and/or to show them that the public does not support their attitudes...also just to see what would happen...also because I felt they underestimated me.

Then me, my mom and Uncle Andy are driving in a car. Andy is upset about Carol- I don't know why I feel like she's died but I know they have split up and perhaps she has both the girls on her side and Uncle Andy is not allowed to see them- We are driving in a parking lot and making jokes and Andy, who is very sad, seems to cheer up a little bit...but then we see Carol and Leslie I think walking through the parking lot. I am sitting in the front seat and try to block them from Andy's view with my head but it doesn't work. Andy asks us to pull over so we do. We get out of the car and are standing on a wood-slat dock of sorts over a creek. Uncle Andy gets out of the car and starts crying. My mom disappears at this point and the car starts to slide over into the water...Uncle Andy tries to keep the car from going in and at first it is sort of funny (the parking lot seems like the parking lot outside of Leslie and Erin's highschool in Marblehead) but then Andy falls into the water. I am standing on the wood dock trying to pull him out of the water but he keeps slipping.

I dream that Ricky texts me "let me take you out tonight?" I imagine that I text him back "No. Let me take you out."

I am in a large house like a mansion. First I am in my nomal house though. It is something like Thanksgiving. Anson is coming to my house and there is nothing I can do about it maybe and I am trying to keep it a secret from my parents. He will have to stay in the basement. I forget about this. Then lots of family starts showing up at the house and I am talking with relatives and getting white wine. Then the basement door starts banging around and busts open and out walks anson. he is balding and his head is shaved almost bald, he does not look so good. immediately i yell at my brother for locking him in the basement which i suddenly know he did. my mother is upset about the event but my dad just kind of jokes with me and says "well you know uncle gene wanted to bring his new girlfriend to spoleto" and then sort of doesthe rick joke-shrug at me. "what does that have to do with anything?" i say, but it makes me feel better that he isnt taking it as seriously.

ok, then i am in the mansiony house which is really really old and i live there with my family but mostly just my mom is there and nane is also there...then gramcracker is there! and i am like what the hey is going on. so i go to my mom aqnd im like i thought grammie was dead! and she is like yeah, well she is dead but she has this wierd sort of dead person alzheimers where she wakes up every now and again and acts like her old self and doesnt remember that she is dead. meanwhile nane is her old regular alzheimers self. grammy dances around and sings a teacup song and every little song she sings i try to sing too but i dont know the words and i dance around her while she sings them (this happens later tho at some sort of art show or exhibtion in a gymnasium/ auditorium) while we are still in the mansion house we walk over at some point to a bed (me mom nane and grammie) and on the bed are nane and grammies "dead" bodies, nane gets upset seeing grammie and also probably the dead bodies but grammie is really clueless. it is creepy though and i try to get everyone away from the dead bodies.

ok, and then i am at some sort of camp or something. something has gone wrong and we all have to sit underground in a hallway all day. it has to do with sharks. we get assigned to teams. maria is there and maybe we are in college. mr. devine seems t be the leader of sorts. we are waiting to get let out of the hallway. my team ends up going into a classroom filled with water in which there is a shark and something happens with the shark trying to bite us and we are all on some sort of raft or something together and we go around the classroom in circles with the shark snapping at us but no one gets bit. i believe because no one from the team gets bit we are then allowed to go home. it seems like maria and i are in charleston and it is a weekend night and we are trying to go out.

i am on some kind of vacation with my family. we keep ending up in new places. i have a lot of animals with me or keep receiving animals. i think there is a point where there are a ton of cats or kittens, sort of like that resvervation thing katharine pelzer sent me. I think Erik is there but maybe he is younger or just seems to be younger or is in a better mood than usual. i don't remember anyone being really angry or upset or any of the animals being dead or dying which is rare.

it is sort of like we are all going to italy but my mother is there. we are on a boat for a long time getting there. in italy my brother and i have to go on a trip with my mom one day when everyone else is just hanging out. the night before that i couldnt sleep and was watching movies in a basement and my brother was upstairs. we get on a ferry boat to go to what people keep calling naples but isnt and which we dont really know the name of. either on the boat or when we get there i see justin swilling who is also on the trip i guess but lives in his own basement apartment with his girlfriend peirlouise. somehwo i go over there and he keeps staring at me the whole way wide eyed like he does. at the house we are on the couch and we make out because no one is there. we sortof have sex for aminute. i say that we shouldnt be doing this but justin says because of certain restrictions and agreements it is really ok. then people come over and one is pierlouise. she has blond hair and is a little chubby and narcoleptic. she keeps falling down. I decide to leave because it makes me nervous and i need to catch the ferry back and i try to grab all of my stuff. there is a trunk by the couch full of shoes and i grab two pairs that look like shoes ive had but each one is broken at the heel and also a different kind of shoe. they are both black boots but one is tall and one is short. Justin walks with me. He wants to keep a little c`d with a robot/machine on it. on the ferry back there are a lot more people from the italy trip there. also my mother has been mean and cranky this whole dream and so i have tried to avoid her most of the time. at one point we are on the street looking down into a small office where a man is sitting on what looks like the ledge of another giant tv and looking into a smaller one below him. there is another guyg working in the corner. the front of the building is open and we are sitting at an outdoor table. i wonder who works here and why and for who.

dream 2nd night back from italy (order out of context)

i am on a trip with my parents. i have bought a fish and somewhere i have gotten a large bird who sits on my shoulder and also a duck. i remember ive forgotten to feed them. we drive to the hotel where we have always stayed. i have a friend with me. i think maybe it is alex. my brother is there. when we get to the hotel we pass an aquarium and i think ill get worms to feed the birds there. my father drives onto the sidewalk and down the steps. at one point he careens off a staircase and i fall out of the backseat and fall onto a step where the ledge gets steeper and i almost fall off. half my belonging land on the step behind me and i have to stradle in between to get them but i am shaking and losing my balance. i start to cry. ken and kathy are there then and ken collects my things for me and makes aq comment. everyone thinks im a wussy for crying. when we get to the hotel we go to a movie. we are here for a family reunion which is in my parents backyard on south street and all my friends are there. chanel is sitting by the old climbing tree and she beckons me over to talk to her. i say ill be there in a minute and maria and someone else sit down next to her and start singing out of tune. i go to get a drink and end up going back to the hotel. i start to feel drunk. at the hotel i am in the bathroom and anson is there. we talk about how he and my brother get alo0ng and he goes into the other room and starts talking to erik. he says i can hear in your voice how we are alike with our anger or something but its not anger and then my brother replies that its something that begins with a b. then they get in some sort of argument. i think my parents like anson. i keep checking the bird on my shoulder to see if its still alive. i still havent fed it and realize its been four days. sometimes i forget it is on my shoulder but it is always on my shoulder.

i am in some sort of highschool situation. maria grabs my arm as i am ducking down a hall. i had just glimpsed cliff coming out from the staircase.maria is holding a flute case. she gets his attention and says that i had wanted to talk to him about a crossword. no i dont i tell her. then he is up close and has a close shaved head and is bigger and burlier than real life. he sort of shakes my hand, his hands are huge. i start walking out and some guy starts talking to me about how he was saying something to me and peacock was saying the opposite (i say hes confused me with someone else and that that happened three years ago) and how he thinks peacock is a "shit." i try and tell him how much i disagree with him politely. i go outside to smoke a cigarette and see my brother and say erik jarva. other people outside start talking about how we are related...i think they know leslie and erin. i say my cousins are leslie and erin and they giggle.

when i wake up i have been at gina's and thought she might be coming around the corner inside the barn but instead it was a larger woman who didn't speak english. my brother asks me what i am going to do with my life and i say i've been thinking i can do whatever i want and maybe i'll be a singer. he asks me if i've ever been to that record store in puerto rico. i am with paige and john and maybe we live in a house. i draw a dog old woman/ with a can of soda. the dog/woman is sort of exploding. i am at the actons house next door at some point, maybe this brings me to gina's. there are cows it is a different actons than the real one but feels dream-familiar.