12/18/16

big kind of thanksgiving party going on at my house. lots of people animals and things everywhere.

leslie is sitting at a picnic table outside by herself in the midst of the party.

she is wearing a wedding dress with her head in one hand and just kind of staring at a point in space.

i keep looking over at here from the crowd im in. my mom comes over and tells me to do something,

to pay attention to someone.

i go upstairs bc maybe i am needing to roll a joint or get a drink. i go in my room. i think its a mess.

i see little rodents. it turns out they are gerbils which my mom got for a specific reason but im not sure what that is.

there may be 11 of them.

they are sick or something is needed for them. my mom takes each of them and squirts some kind of orange fluid

in them or on them so they all have a trail of orange fluid. they are running around.

they look like stuffed animals in a way, like stuffed squirrels.

they are always sitting straight up and never walking on all fours.

this is what makes them gerbils.

i take too long in my room or something and then my mom is there, somewhere.

she is holding a sponge and angry. she is about to sponge down an orange-yellow plastic

tablecloth & she is about to cut into me about something i did or did not do.


(wake up & it turns out that my dad is in the hospital again)

may 15, 16

Yesterday- I am with Jenny talking and she tells me she's worried she might be pregnant bc she had sex one time in the last month or so and I ask her with who? And she tells me FRANK and I am reeling and can't believe it and can't understand why she would think of it so casually and we go to a party and frankas is there and I am completely verclempt and having that awful conspiracy come to life feeling nauseous

Last night- going to some kind of anniversary memorial for willow gray, in thus big old church, watch mr. Gray come in and he is very tall and looking good and put together and everyone is there, Devon and my parents and the cechinis. After the service I am going to get coffee bc I know I need to bring coffee to the house after- first j get a small coffee by mistake and then a whole box of coffee and keep the small coffee and bring the big box of coffee to what I guess is supposed to be mrs cecchinis house but it's not, auntie Annie is there on the couch and there are some small dogs. I am there with Devon. Then we leave and go over to her place and lilys mother is there in her house which is different than her real house, kind of right up on the street with the door on the sidewalk

And the door opens and we see her inside - lily and Devon are on weird terms- Devon is kind of living in the attic of the house and I go up there with her to sleep with her in the bed up there- she is saying how whenever she wears this one scent everyone comes up to her...

Then me and frankas have gone to my parents house and we have a tent set up in the yard and there is a small shed in the middle of the yard with screens on the sides and monkeys in it. There are several dogs at my parents and we start kicking balls with them and then all these other dogs come over from the actons- Keith pierce is in a box setup kind of a stage but more so a box wrapped in tissue paper with his head sticking out over the top and he is singing and plating guitar- William Duddy is there too in the other corner of the back yard- I guess we are all doing creative endeavors at my parents house or trying to make money... I am trying to find my notebook to write down my dreams...there is a picnic table on the right side of my parents house, frankas comes out and yells at me that he has been waiting for me to play music in the basement (then I hear ' folks' in real life and he is trying to get me up but not mad so I get up, relieved)

Its a kind of high school scene. I am walking around-- no I've gone camping, first with Erin Leslie Uncle Andy  and Aunt Carol. First we are at a house getting ready to go. Erin seems very upbeat and so does Leslie. I have to pee in an uncomfortable way. When I am in the bathroom Aunt Carol is putting on makeup in the mirror and is half naked and a very beautiful woman. She looks like someone else. I am trying to remember what she is supposed to be like. Then we are sitting at a picnic table outside the camping house and there is a tent in the yard and I wonder if we've really camped or not that night because I've never actually been camping before (true). At the picnic table it is more like work and Beth is there or I go to meet Beth at the bar and then she is there and we get bright colored juice drinks like I got from the Carribean man at the Veggie Fest in Roxbury (real life). She is ordering food and I think the bartender looks at me weird like maybe I am going to eat her french fries. I am acutely aware that I have no money. Someone else comes to the bar and it may be Greice. 

first i am with tory and someone else, maybe sara silk or maybe thats not until after, but we are sitting at a table and i can't understand why they are so boring or why i am so bored. then i am looking at sara and she is talking about working or something and i notice she has gained weight but she seems really upbeat and happy. i think we are in marthas vineyard or something. then we have to get on a bus, i think to go to the beach. will shows up, or anson, i think anson is there and somehow we are not in sync or we are trying to find somewhere where we can be alone.