in a foreign country , somewhere like amsterdam, on a bus, like i took a ship , got there somehow, but running out of money and worried abut running out of pot vaporizer pen

and then somewhere and expected to perform and unloading somehow but i dont have a car, getting ready to perform at the venue, wondering when i will run out of money

why im not worried, what will i do, how i got there 

travis and i are on tour. maybe someone else is with us also. someone is there when we get there, maybe jacki maynard, she is so excited that we are there and running around and wants to go next door. i guess we have played here before.

right before i wake up there is this other band playing in ernie paulins room, i think out of speakers and they are singing "somethin something something, SON,  well im the devil on the run" and i am thinking this song and this band is so good and wishing i wrote this song (although maybe i did)

we drive to the venue in a car and it is far away, maybe austin texas and we meet up with ernie paulin who we are staying with. the venue is one room that seems less like an actual venue and more like a dark empty room with no chairs and it is connected to a bar. i am drinking during the performance.

afterwards we are at ernie paulins and i notice which i noticed before he has long black scraggly hair, but at his apartment i see his hair on the sofa and realize its a wig. he is ranting about who is taking care of me? and all this stuff as if i need a babysitter or something, very brotherly like but tongue in cheek. i am eating cheetos out of my backpack and remembering i have a piece of pizza somewhere which i have been saving and thinking i should eat it. i am sitting on the floor in this dark room of his apartment and travis is on the couch. i keep asking him questions and he is acting like he cant be bothered but he is very manic like pacing around and funny. i ask him how many people live in the house? he says 17. he says he knew i forgot something while i was performing because i was drinking. i said i didnt forget anything. travis loks delighted at ernie. it is almost like a blacklight room. he goes up to the wall at some point and touches this wooden block that has something printed on it and is sticking out of the wall. the wood block wiggles like it is made out of sensitive flimsy rubber. i want to investigate it but i don't get up. i decide i will check it out later. then the song comes on (i can see the band in my mind but i am still in the room).

then my birth control alarm goes off

9/17/2015

in an auditorium inside a hotel-like building to do a show, auditorium looks vaguely like the cofc arts building auditorium or that one in boston, the colonial i think it is...

i ajm going to perform and go down the side stairs in the dark right after before or during eminem performing, he has just rigged up some microphones and lights and stuff and when i walk down thye stairs some of the lights go off, i am wearing heels and he looks at me like am i crazy but i dont care cuz i think its funny and ive got his number somehow

he is being rude to me but in a flirty way or at least i am enjoying it i tell him i live in the auditorium and he says thats a lie, i am nervous to perform i guess

travis is on stage with a few other people and im not sure if we are going up next but then a short kind of chuby girl who is really nice asks if nwe are playing and i say oh ok ill go up

when i go up on stage i transform into a chubby asian woman with glasses for a moment, i am watching 'myself' and attempt to sing 'think of me' from  the phantom of the opera and i am trying to sing correctly and nodding my head to breath and not breathing enough

Sara silk is there at some kind of building / outdoor event we are preparing a show almost a live show kind of like SNL and our parents will be there almost like we are going to go live on air, I am telling her we can dothis one thing I have prepared, feels like I have this whole set prepared, not sure if it's a comedic skit or music, seems like I have a whole musical set prepared but I am looking at her like we are going to do it together and like I have it all in my head and we are about to have to go, there is some kind of time pressure following when we start like it's going to be broadcasted, I had this brilliant idea and feeling like we could do it in sync and we would know how to do it, but as we're about to begin I am starting to doubt myself and thinking I can't remember or maybe I will forget the whole set, the whole plan, there are lots of people around like its a live performance as well. She is wearing glasses I think and we are kind of just looking attach other anxiously but reassuring at the same time about to go forward with this thing and I'm not sure I remember my idea

Very familiar sympathetic and trusting relationship to Sara silk in all these dreams

recap night of 4/18/2015

dreamed of going to do a show of white stripes covers in a small space about the size of the lilypad, jack white and meg white are there but i dont see them and they are playing my music. first i hear the dead leaves and the dirty ground cover and somehow i know all this, but its like a show im supposed to be performing at but actually they are just playing my music and then jack and meg white are really going to perform but i dont see them even though i know they are there.

i am at my parents house and go with frankazoid to his mother's house which is up on a cliff with a green lush hill plateaus where the house is and the driveway and we are sleeping i guess outside overlooking the backyard, off the cliff in the back is my parents house which we can see clearly, in the dream it is an epiphane that frankazoid's moms house is right here in view of my parents house (i wonder what the non-reality implications of this dream-reality observation are?) we are lying there (and maybe there is a clothesline out the window) and all of a sudden some kind of dugong comes to life in the water below the cliff anbd then other exotic animals loike safari jungle animals, all coming to life and we realize they are all around us, not scary at all, just suprising and wonderful

I am supposed to perform for something at out of the blue. It seems in a different place, like an outdoor library, and a different town. I feel unready to perform and don't remember performing. Will is there somehow. And Tom is there but different. Maybe it's supposed to be New York. Someone pulls me out of trying to help out inside the out of the blue I think? And tells me about knowing when to leave a place and how I should have left already, telling me how to conduct myself and move art-- it is mostly about being direct and getting out quick. When he pulls me out ( almost seems like Vince but not totally) he brings me over to his car by the side of the road and it's the car and the sidewalk here that makes it seem like New York in my dreams (how New York is in my dreams which is different than it is in real life) -Toms thing , maybe caroline Sullivan is there too, something seems townie about it, but also like a poetry gathering and maybe people are coming to see me, and maybe will is there. 

november 26th 2009

first i dream of being at this fair thing where cami wants me to do some kind of performance with her and i run into chanel and she walks next to me and scratches my stomach. its uncomfortable. i see maria and she says shes coming over. i come home and she and my father are watching the i-carly movie in the tv room. i cant watch it now because theyre too far in. i see later that maria is an actor in the i-carly tv show but she tells me its been cncelled. i go to erins with my mother and am very hngry but erin says shes already eaten. she is very thin and is eating gobs of peanut butter out of the jar. she has neighbors whose house isnt seperated from the kitchen by a wall. people ride out of it on horseback. a girl who looks like a animal, maybe chloe, in the face. it is the eyes they are too close together and like an animals, comes into the kitchen and is here to walk the dogs. my mom asks carol if she can walk our dog too and carol says no, she pays for four times, the ice cream man only walks her dog, she will pay the whites to do it, the white know where to go.