new york church sarah lyle

in new york with i think sarah lyle walking through a mall where all the shops are closed like macys and all these big stores and theyve all closed down because no one shops at stores anymore

and its just a big empty mall like a ruin, that we used to know

walking through glass doors to outside and i am wearing these bright blue high heels that are so high and my ankles keep bending and rolling over like they're made of rubber or putty

and im looking at them still just trying to walk and notice the shoes are on the wrong feet

so i change them but they are still hard to walk in and im talking to sarah about how i dont know how all the ladies on ROBH do it everyday all the time

and i am thinking of lisa vanderpump

and i can feel v viscerally the blisters on my feet forming in the shoes as we are walking into a
church

to meet some people and we sit down at a table in the church and we are sitting with two kind of butch looking girls and i am thinking how everyone always eats out in new york

and how i dont want to live there because i want to stay home and save my money but the whole church table seating scenario is odd and droll and throwing off my dream reality

and one girl has bland blond curly hair parted down the middle no makeup earthy looking with a black t shirt with writing on it and then she mentions the mic that is happening tonight is her mic

and called something like willows and thinking she can put me on ---
somehow know that its a comedy mic

may 15, 16

Yesterday- I am with Jenny talking and she tells me she's worried she might be pregnant bc she had sex one time in the last month or so and I ask her with who? And she tells me FRANK and I am reeling and can't believe it and can't understand why she would think of it so casually and we go to a party and frankas is there and I am completely verclempt and having that awful conspiracy come to life feeling nauseous

Last night- going to some kind of anniversary memorial for willow gray, in thus big old church, watch mr. Gray come in and he is very tall and looking good and put together and everyone is there, Devon and my parents and the cechinis. After the service I am going to get coffee bc I know I need to bring coffee to the house after- first j get a small coffee by mistake and then a whole box of coffee and keep the small coffee and bring the big box of coffee to what I guess is supposed to be mrs cecchinis house but it's not, auntie Annie is there on the couch and there are some small dogs. I am there with Devon. Then we leave and go over to her place and lilys mother is there in her house which is different than her real house, kind of right up on the street with the door on the sidewalk

And the door opens and we see her inside - lily and Devon are on weird terms- Devon is kind of living in the attic of the house and I go up there with her to sleep with her in the bed up there- she is saying how whenever she wears this one scent everyone comes up to her...

Then me and frankas have gone to my parents house and we have a tent set up in the yard and there is a small shed in the middle of the yard with screens on the sides and monkeys in it. There are several dogs at my parents and we start kicking balls with them and then all these other dogs come over from the actons- Keith pierce is in a box setup kind of a stage but more so a box wrapped in tissue paper with his head sticking out over the top and he is singing and plating guitar- William Duddy is there too in the other corner of the back yard- I guess we are all doing creative endeavors at my parents house or trying to make money... I am trying to find my notebook to write down my dreams...there is a picnic table on the right side of my parents house, frankas comes out and yells at me that he has been waiting for me to play music in the basement (then I hear ' folks' in real life and he is trying to get me up but not mad so I get up, relieved)

the night before last, after going to the meditation seminar with Rajshree Patel:

I am at the course. We all have our cloths and flowers and are gathered outside the church, maybe in a cemetery. Rajshree is there. There are more people than I expected. Perhaps I'm not sure if they wanted me to come. There is something she said to me I can't remember.

last night:

I see Rajshree again but she looks different and she is walking down stairs like the stairs of the apartment on cambridge street before the hess station where the young guy and the old guys hang out on the stoop...she is chanting and saying hare krishnas and other mantras out loud, some that i thought weren't supposed to be spoken.