night before last

I dream I am going to be on America's Next Top Model via no decision of my own. I am sitting in a semi-circle of girls with Tyra Banks and she starts saying names of who will be on the show (it feels like the cuts after a highschool sports team tryout). I don't know how I got here...I know I did not send in a video and have no tried out for the show so I'm not expecting to make the cut. Mine is the last name she says and she sort of just screams JESSIEEE JARVAAAAA at me. I am excited but also wary of being on the show. I realize I never really wanted to be on the show and I GET worried about what my friends will all think of me and how I am going to appear on the model program. I am a little afraid of being on television especially on ANTM and also that I will probably look fat. Somehow I know the show is going to take place in Chicago and I figure I shouldnt really turn down the opportunity and that it would be cool to go live in Chicago. My mom finds out and thinks this is a bad thing and evident of some kind of character flaw or failing on my development as a person. I want everyone to know that I did not seek out this thing, that it just happened. I think about declining to do the show but wonder if my own pride or insecurity is holding me back from taking on what could be a good opportunity. I am trying to re-think whether my need to be cooler than ANTM is really just being insecure and flippant. I am very torn and confused by this new life development...the dream is over before the show starts filming...a very strange dream, for sure.