listening to a song by britney spears during her conservatorship, it sounds different , her voice sounds good,

its fall

at my parents house but its a big old dark colonial type house and i go into a little room to play some kind of music and somebody starts putting the window down from the outside and its maggie clune and she says hey jessie and i say hey 

and  i walk outside and we walk over to her house and she has this big dapple grey horse and he comes running up to us acting like  a puppy and i ask her if she rides him and she says she does and i want to ride him so bad and i ask if hes a girl

and her dad is out there and says no hes a gelding and thyen lets two little ponies out of a gate and they are two tiny little white ponies 

i love this horse and want to ride him so bad and want a horse so bad 

october 16 2021

 doing a film with austin rutledge somewhere in a big dark house... im there and then realize lauren pespisa is there who i told austin i never want to film with again so i go off by myself

i tell austin i need some speed and he gives me a big capsule full of some sickly sweet stuff and i eat it in the bathroom

(irl when i wake up austin wants to film but i dont and he posts a pic of lauren on his ig)

 GOING TO HERBS HOUSE and axing about the car and him telling me he sold it and not giving me any information about it and just being a total asshole about it,  i start taking things from around the house and throwing them at him

cav comes and takes me away and we are in a grocery store and i dont want to be there or with him and he is looking at all these different chips and there are free samples out and i take some kind of tiny pastry that looks like a button and im telling him how i dont want to be with him 

october 10 2021

 sleeping over at billy arrias house, some kind of party going on , and im sleeping all by myself up in some room in a comfy bed with my rabbit under the covers

and i wake up and talk to billy

in between scenes of us at college together in a classroom with the desks and chairs that are all one piece and laura garvey talking

and me being friends with laura garvey somehow because of billy and appreciating her

and then billy is gone somewhere leaves suddenly or something and im in this small wood paneled bar somewhere and i have to pee

and a little folding door opens and billy walks out and hes with someone else there too and im so happy to see him to find him and i hug him

and then im trying to use the bathroom but the door keeps sliding open and they are seeing me trying to pee and laughing at me

then billy hugs me from behind and it feels good and he goes to grope my breast

(irl his ig pops up with a story post and i tell him he was in my dream and a good presence, thinking about him in a different way than i ever have before , weird & interesting)

OCTOBER 9 2021

with some freinds and randomly see mikalea murphy on the street and then we are all hanging together and lindsay is there and something is happening

billy arria shows up somewhere

OCOTBER 8 2021

 at some kind of family reunion and brandon jarva is somne sluf type potato person and he is making fun of keith and keith is saying something back maybe about being fat or being strong

 somewhere out on the street with a group of people, somewhere like LA, very sunny and warm out

run into chelsea handler and its like i know her and have known her for a long time

and im talking to her about how glad i am that shes found love and that she and that both of us have allowed ourselves to love and accept love and shes happy and nodding and we're hugging

and im crying

 in a classroom somewhere with will and other people in it , the class is revolving around madonnas ass, a big screen showing madonnas ass cheeks in a grey leotard , and then i am standing at the top of the class over a table with a guitar layed kind of on its back throwing flattened metal bottle caps across the top of the guitar kinda at will

and will comes up next to me and grabs my ass

then i am doing a show with heather mcdonald and chris franjola (who are playing on my phone in the waking world) and theyre talking to fast and my head and my mouth are like jello like i cant interject cuz theyre going too fast for me like leaving language entirely almost 

 go to some venue thats familiar and the guy from pod awful is there doing some kind of show but its in boston on my turf and im playing guitar on the floor and somehow i go into the bathroom and its full of shit everywhere and it gets all over me and my head and i go and brush it all on the pod awful guy and he gets very mad butt hurt upset that im ruining his show

rob potylo is there and talking to me and seems more mature and i feel a slight attraction to him and he tries to hook up with me but i dont hook up with him, i guess he was a part of the show too

there are lots of people there 

then vomit bitch and we are at some kind of outdoor show and then its a highschool reunion and jackie maynard likes me but doent like vomit , people start talking shit about vomit 

on vacation somewhere with my mom erin and leslie, somewhere like capri or italy-- light ocean tropical beaches-- and we keep going to the same restaurants like we're running out of restaurants to go to -- and we're going somewhere on the last night and we accidentally go to the same restaurant again and leslie and my mom say how i hug erin more than them and how uncle andy said the same thing and i say i realize that and i mean to hug them all more and want to get us all in a pile like the old days --

                                                            yesterday;

will somewhere, maybe somewhere cav is , looking for will maybe, at my parents house, petting chloe, upstairs and my mom is saying i need to get a dog, she knows about gilbie but i can see gilbie like he is there and fine right in front of me

                                                           day before;

 go to an arcade movie theater by myself and the movie starts and then the movie stops all of a sudden and a grey screen comes up and music starts playing like an intermission and there is a hungry hippos game in front of me and i start thinking i have time to play it during the intermission and first i try to put a euro in the machine and then i find a gold arcade coin and put it in and start playing and a dad in seats nearby kindof yells at me but i explain myself and we're ok, then i leave the theater and get lost and i have to go back up  a glass elevator to get back to the theater and then the movie is over and i missed it and everyone is leaving and i walk out of the theater in the crowd crying

                                                            day before;

austin rutledge comes over to my parents house and is upset about a movie, something, he leaves and im in my brothers room

going around knowing will is in town... knowing hes at some school somewhere... first i am working or something... and im drunk and i know hes there at this place but i dont want to go late at night when im drunk but maybe im also trying to find it... feels like im walking around a grocery store...

being somewhere else and it starts to feel stupid because i know will is near by so i go to the building

when i go to the building i go up stairs and theres a big group of people in a classroom sitting down at desks and will is in the classroom and i guess they are all taking some kind of test...

and i go in and walk around and people know me and will sees me

and somehow in the background they are playing my music and whatever song it is is almost acapella and kind of strangely paced and i am wondering if it is musical enough , feeling slightly

self conscious

i go in the room and walk around but i dont sit down and take the test, i think i just see will and leave

and then i am downstairs in the building by a back door and looking through a window and i see will and his gf julia and she is wearing a red shirt that says radisson inn or something, some kind of inside joke t shirt that means shes staying there at a hotel ? or they are staying together maybe

and will is taking pictures of her on a phone and shes smiling  

cav kids

yesterday;

go to CAV's fathers house, into a dark dark kitchen... and then his son is there ... and there is a cage on the table and its the sons cage and the son has a dirty diaper


last night;

go to a bright big semi- open house with CAV , guess its his ex wifes house, there is a woman kind of smiling staring at me, we are in the kitchen, shes at the end of the counter--

little girl madeline os sitting there and someone gives me string cheese ina packet and its like a block of cheese - orange and white - and the little girl madeline tells me how she feels about the cheese and how she eats it and i am eating the cheese

the young woman or some0one else is now right next to me to the left only she is a much older woman and i am wondering if this is CAV's ex-wife...

we go into a tv room and sit down on the floor and then a young woman comes into the room with a round face and brown hair and she is smiling and she starts talking to us about the kids, 

few days ago - flea market - mom friends - waiting - crying

random dream fragments from the past few weeks;

growing another toenail under my big toenail


few days ago;

at some kind of big flea market with lots of outdoor vendoors almost like a festival and im there with my mother and maybe chris is there somewhere and some other people or friends are there with us too but im there with my mom and standing there waiting for chris or whoever isnt there who is wandering around --- and i dont want to go anywhere for some reason, i just want to wait---

and then all the outdoor booths are closing and its something like the marshfield fair and suddenly i want to go around and look at everything i missed--- and i can feel all the booths closing down all around me and i can see them somehow--- and i start crying and getting hysterical , feeling like i missed it all --- and getting upset at my mother like its her fault 

antonia villa art gallery cafe mind video

at some kind of open art gallery cafe -- all white interior // open space // something like new alliance or a familiar familial art space--- a bar to the left of me-- almost like in fact it really IS channel cafe, the setup of the room and even the door that leads to stairs

there with someone - chris ? - talking, not many people there --- and i see antonia villa coming up  from the stairs through a door carrying a box in her arms

i realize she is moving out of her studio which must be through the door down the stairs--- still aware that its a suprise to see her and shes moved away and how is she here?

i call out to her and try to talk to her and she ignores me -- keeps moving out -- i go up to her and not even sure she talks to me then--

then i see her sitting in a chair on video like shes talking to the camera -- and i know im seeing her talking but that shes not talking to me somehow-- like some kind of mind video ---

and she is saying she loves me but something like she hates me or doesnt want to know me now because she wanted to be with me and doesnt want to be just friends

and there is something like a small chichuaha in her lap 

chris lauren michelle bOat

with chris laurena and michelle and there is tension and chris is not like himself normally or he is critical and michelle is yelling and lauren is kind of swaying in and out

and we are all on a boat im in one corner with michelle across from me and lauren is next to me and chris is to the left of michelle and michelle is saying things

and it is like the boat is dropping stories like the tower of terror, like levels of something are being broken through and the feeling of being nearly thrown out of the boat at all times

but it stops and somewhere we get off the boat and we are somewhere else maybe like italy

and lauren keeps touching me and then she is touching my face and i need to get away

chris car money

out to dinner somewhere with people and chris its some kind of venue like a casino and the waiter is saying you can test drive this car for $1,000 and chris gets a look in his eye

and wants to the car

i try to mind my own business and look at the table


(( last night before chris falls asleep he is sleep talking... saying there is a lot of people there...(i ax him where...) ... chris's parking lot ))

dreams from last week johhny two legs lil bleachy

1.

go do a show somewhere on tour like philadelphia but not sure and ive got art everywhere and people are trying to buy it

and not sure i want to sell it or something

and then johnny two legs is there like i asked him to come meet me there

it is after the show and the show is ending , maybe im unprepared, moving art around

johnny two legs takes me to a room full of trap doors and little enclosures underneath the floor and he is showing it to me almost like a segment on 60 minutes

talking about how all these art scene people used to live here in these little rooms and now its been shut down and no one lives there anymore

and then it seems more like new orleans


2.

saturday night --

lil bleachy and trying to get back to lil bleachy but being pulled away by everything else but i guess going to fux lil bleachy

in some kind of social situation

hug for a moment a tiny little body

AT MARIAS HOUSE

AT MARIAS HOUSE, get into town and maybe im on tour but i dont know, im tired and ragged,

go to marias house and its kinda like ricks and patricks old place past the crosstown but smaller, like one room like a studio, full of stuff,

and im there with just maria and then i remember about her other house that she lives in and henry

and then i realize she just kept this house like this is her little house but she is still living in the other house with henry and she and henry are getting married on march 30th

and i pretend like i know because how could i not know and she must have told me

and we are going somewhere to meet people or i go down a street and see people through a window- casey heath, maybe pecan

and back to the house and then henry is there and im wondering how i didnt know they were getting married and i kind of flash imagine maria getting mad one night and then henry

proposing

ADAM SANDLER STAGEHAND GIG CAMPING VENUE

DOING SOME KIND OF STAGEHANDY GIG, AT SOME KIND OF BIG SHOT CELELBRITY EVENT OR SHOW BUT ALSO FEEL LIKE IM WORKING IT OR PART

OF PUTTING IT TOGETHER, ONE PERSON THERE IS THIS KINDA OLDER GUY WITH A

HORSESHOE SHAPED MALE BALDING PATTERN AND LONG DARK BROWN HAIR

HE IS KINDA STANDING OUTSIDE BEHIND THE BACK STAGE DOOR WHICH IS OPEN

AND THEN SOMEHOW I KNOW HE IS ADAM SANDLER AND HE IS JUST NOW RETIRING FROM PLAYING MUSIC

(IN WAKING REALITY WHEN I WAS LEAVING NEW YORK I SAW A BILLBOARD FOR ADAM SANDLER PLAYING GUITAR AT MOHEGAN SUN AND ALSO FOUND OUT YESTERDAY THAT JOE FROM THE JOE SHOW LIED TO ME ABOUT BEING AN EXTRA IN THE HUBIE HALLOWEEN ADAM SANDLER MOVIE WHICH MAKES SENSE BECAUSE HE SAID HE JUST WALKED AROUND AS HIMSELF  AND THEY [PAID HIM 5O BUX AND HE NEVER SAW ADAM SANDLER. WHEN HE TOLD ME HE LIED ABOUT THIS HE DIDNT SAY HE LIED HE SAID HE JUST AGREES SOMETIMES BUT I ASKED HIM ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND HE ANSWERED ALL OF THEM WITH MADE UP DETAILS SO I TOLD HIM THAT IS CALLED LYING)

I GO AND TALK TO ADAM SANDLER AND I GUESS THIS IS SOME KIND OF WEEKEND FESTIVAL TYPE THING-- HE REMINDS ME KIND OF OF STEVE KIMOCK---

BECAUSE I GO OVER WITH HIM TO HIS CABIN AND TALK OUTSIDE THE CABIN AND MAYBE GO IN THE CABIN

I GUESS I FELT A LITTLE SORRY FOR HIM AND THEN DIDNT WANT HIM TO QUIT MUSIC AND THEN WE BECAME FRIENDS 

dreams from the last month -- real housewives new york city tinsley

i am crying because i am a cast member of the real housewives of new york and we were all sponsored through college but tinsley didn't go to any of her classes and failed out of the program --

im seeing all of tinsleys failures at academia flash before my eyes before i start crying for her and then i wake up