my teeth are falling out. I chomp them out in my sleep or something. First its the top one and then the bottom one.

After spending the night on reins memory foam mattress in Brooklyn

I am With Erin Leslie and uncle Andy. Somehow I discover something I have eaten has had butter in it. I go to use a bathroom like I have to pee really bad and I sit on the toilet and there's shit in it and I can feel it underneath me and it's gross and they are all outside the door and I have to go too bad to stop myself.

I am living in an apartment thats supposed to be my apartment I guess but my room is at the front of the house and it sort of seems like Charleston. Paige is flying in and she comes over with Meghann Cannon who is wearing bright red lipstick and fur. I have someone else at the house, maybe Kelsey, someone I am trying to adopt.

Edna is in the toilet when I get home and she is all wet andfd I think maybe she is going to die because of it but she doesn't.

Ryan and I have sex in the bed and at the end I realize his friend is in the bed, like maybe he crawled in the window or something.

I go to this park thing with Erik and there is a whole line of different animals like in a kennel of dogs but all different animals like in a zoo, and I think theyre all out like this when its stime to feed them but the bars to the cages are really large like they could come through. I notice the bars on the cage where the snake is in are too wide for the snake and I wonder if the snake will leap out and bite me.

I walkm through and then I am on a grassy hill and then theres watern sort of like a monument and the weather is kind of like L.A. And Erik is on a blanket with little kids and they are playing a game in competition with this other blanket full of kids and it involves sliding down the hill at some point.

I somehow get two more cats and no one really notices. One has a black and white coat and for some reason people think it looks like Edna.

my grandmother is dying. then i think she has died already and shes been dead. then it turns out shes lying over kind of emaciated in a pool of her own blood and she wasnt dead and shes just been there like that for a long time.

Two nights ago I re-dreamed the 5 year high school reunion. It took place on a plane (kind of seemed like a cruise ship from another dream but pretty sure it was a plane)except the plane/room was a big glass dome like an imax theater and we could all look out the windows and see the sky and everything. I think everyone was drunk. There was bleacher seating and a lot of light. It seemed like some kind of resort or casino. Will was there but I couldn't find him and I kept looking for him the whole time. I remember Kathleen Kramer and Michelle Granara being there.

I am with Danielle after she's moved back home but then it turns out she's back in New York or maybe somewhere else and living with Will. She is talking about how she has to keep her appearance up for him and how she never had stretch marks before. At first she seemed down and like she was in Atlanta and then she seemed really up about being with Will in New York and then she was talking about what she has to do and a few things I thought weren't right.

Over the weekend I slept at Ryans and dreamed there was a door in his room that went to the bathroom so i wouldn't have to goout in the hall.

relationship fight

I am with Ryan in what seems like a mall parking garage or something. I have been going out sort of with Ricky and Spike from Charleston at the same time I've been going out with Ryan and they've all just found out about it. Spike and Ricky show up at the parking garage and I know shit is about to go down. Spike gets out of his car and instantly beats up Ricky. Ryan kind of runs away. I end up talking to them and saying I'm sorry and stuff. I feel really horrible.

Later I go to see Ryan and he is ok with the whole thing and says he didn't know. I think it's ok because he doesn't feel like I've promised him anything.

In another dream I am making a video or something with Alex and maybe Paige or maybe Kasumi Kato. Alex is walking around in her underwear wearing some kind of flowing white robe thing. I want to be in the video or more a part of it but its like they aren't letting me

dreamed there were sebacious cysts all up and down my leg and maybe that i started bleeding

I am driving in the car, going to do my errands, it seems like i'm on storrow drive, and i see what looks like a giant man-made bird flipping over itself and falling out of the sky. and then i see another one. and then i notice people are on these things that look like giant trapezes. they are holding onto the trapeze and its swinging them up into the air really really high. but people are doing it and they don't look like they are trained to and they aren't dying or losing their grip like they probably would in real life. I wonder what is going on because it must be some kind of festival but im on storrow drive so i can't see anything but the trapeze people and i know i slept in late and missed my ADD appointment (true). then i am in some kind of store like a walmart or a toys r us. i guess this is an errand but i don't know what i was going to buy. this little boy runs up to me and grabs my hand and he wants me to put revlon lip stain on him. he is a really cute little boy with a square-ish head and black hair. he looks like a cartoon. His father is there and he keeps telling the boy (maybe his name was Kyle) to stop it and leave me alone, but hes not very commanding about it and Kyle does not care. He just keeps leading me around by the hand and I put the lipstain on him. For some reason I have to buy the lipstain but i buy it without going to the register. I think I put Kyle in a shopping cart breifly. I really like him or else I wouldn't be bothered. Then the dad sees how I'm still there and hanging out with Kyle and he tells me all about their awesome babysitter for some reason and it seems like he thinks I'm trying to be friends with Kyle in order to get a job. I wonder how he feels about the lipstain and if he knows I had to buy it for his son.

Then I am listening to Scarlett Johansen and she is talking to Woody Allen, and I don't think Woody Allen ever says anything but I know he's there. She is talking about Darwinist economics in a way, which I know is because they are taling about darwinist economics on npr (in real life), but she is putting it into her own terms, like in concern to her and ryan reynolds i guess. she doesnt say as much but i can tell she's rationalizing the failure of their marriage through darwinist theory. this proves true because she ends up saying how ryan was going to build her a 32 million something mansion and she'd really be fine with a 16 but then imagine how hard it must be for people in the middle! it was sort of like she just realized that some people are poor.

this is a weird celebrity dream for me because I'm not particularly invested at all in Scarlett Johansen or Ryan Reynolds...other than a slight latent dislike I harbor for Scarlet based on people telling me I looked like her in her awkward teenage years (ie the horsewhisperer) when I was in my awkward teeenage years or any movie thereafter where she didn't wear any makeup and seemed to always have her mouth hanging slightly ajar (ie girl with a pearl earring) which I took to mean that we were both big-lipped and dumb looking and/or slightly handicapped.

dreamed that kara sent some kind of message about how the fridge needs to be cleaned out and how its really important and a health hazard or something and i thought it was weird because i threw stuff out of the fridge and pantry yesterday

I must have moved to new york and I am moving into an apartment which is a room in a motel like the one me and ricky stayed at in york maine. Alex and chelsea have been living together in one room and i am moving into the next room over. maybe alex has moved out. chelsea and i are combiniing our rooms and someone is there with us. I have my room all decorated and stuff and the other person asks if my rooms always look like this and chelsea is saying yes, always.

then I am with paige or am i still with chelsea. we are out in the city but it looks nothing like new york. we are with john and maybe grant in a group and they are going to eat somewhere and ask if we are coming but chelsea says no and we go off. I feel bad for not going to dinner with them and I am saying this to chelsea when a car pulls up and it is john and everyone. I think maybe this is a ritzy group and thats why chelsea doesnt want to hang. They are going to J.crew for dinner and since I feel bad we decide to join them.

J.crew is a restaraunt and I reealize we are with someone who is supposed to be alex wilson and that he only eats at J.crew. I look at the menu and there is nothing I can eat so I don't get anything. John looks uncomfortable and I realize this is a rich kid thing. Also, they don't serve alcohol and I want to leave.

Cliff Peacock is the teacher or main figure but it doesn't look like him but I know it is him. It looks more like a character from the animated movie the sword and the stone. He is teaching a class or leading a group I am in and we are in a log cabin of sorts in the woods somewhere. Peacock hands me something like a leaf or a stone, a small thing but I know it means something. I have the feeling he is trying to express how he cares about me or discreetly single me out within the group. We are making something or talking about making something but I don't feel as though it is painting.

I am with Devon and maybe like at her wedding or Erin is there too or maybe we are on vacation and everyone loves Devon and Devon pays no attention to me. Then at some point I have my head on her lap and she is stroking my hair. I feel bad about myself again and remember feeling very fat and heavy and upset with how Devon feels about me.

Beth has gotten a job and I ask her what it is. She tells me its at a restaurant that serves only corn and everyone else who works there isn't very reliable so she has gone up the ranks and become the manager of the corn place. She is very happy to have the job when I speak to her. It is a new themed restaurant-ish. I go to have a corn on the cob at the restaurant and it is in a mall. It is mostly all different flavors/styles of corn but there is also a sort of bean burrito thing and a few other non-corn items. It reminds me of a taco bell sort of only for corn on the cob instead of mexican food. Things start happening at thee mall that take me away from the corn and I don't think I actually get to eat any. I definitely see Beth though and go inside the corn restaurant.

right before i wake up i am dreaming of a preist masturbating while explaining how he does this everytime he gets the urge and listing all the different places that he does it and saying how he does it in the church. He sort of seems like Ricky Gervais on the Ricky Gervais show when he is pretending to be a sick guy to Karl

night before Ricky's birthday

I dream I am living with Ricky but I am also living with Shannon Murphy and maybe Lindsay and maybe some other people. I almost feel like we are in Charleston. Ricky comes in and it seems like I haven't known him as long as I have in real life but like he's been taking care of me. He comes over to me holding a key and sort of sadistically breaks up with me and tells me he's had the plan to do this the entire time and who he was before was no longer and that he's done it before and thats why he brought the key. He is cruel but more just cold and like a completely different person and I get hysterically upset not so much because of him breaking up with me but more so I am in shock and horrified about how hard he tricks me and how I believed who he was the whole time he was faking it. Hard to wake up from this dream and it was very very real seeming. I also was up very late and didn't get to sleep long.

Erin comes over to the apartment on Winfield street to announce how she is going to New York. Uncle Andy is there and I think my mom is there. I'm not sure how I feel but I am trying to act positively. She comes into the kitchen and shows me her hair and it is cut in a crew cut like for the military and I realize she is somehow going to the military for a moment. Then she lets her hair go and her hair is long and its because the military yhaircut is only underneath her other hair or something and so it all gets covered up by the other hair and I feel upset.

I hanging out with Howard Stern and his wife Beth at like a Barnes and Noble or something. HOWARD AND i have met before and it seems like we are friends but I am trying really hard to impress him in our conversation and I'M ON A ROLL. HE has his hair pulled back in a ponytail and is wearing black Havianna flip flops. He mentions them self-consciously and I tell him I have the same ones and I also felt odd about wearing them. He seems very calm but shy and a little self-conscious, a lot like Cliff Peacock. Beth is very giggly and enthusiastic and sweet, she kind of reminds me of Kennedy. She makes a mistake trying to talk about a dietary supplement or something, something like midor but I think it ends in a D, whatever it is I know what she is trying to say but the word she actually says is the word for something else but I don't think they were real words, I just knew what they meant. And Howard realized the mistake and was like Babe, midor!? midor!? And kind of got after her on it but in a sort of disbeleiving way and not in a cruel kind of way and she didn't get defensive at all. I thought she was maybe a very intelligent woman and felt like maybe she simplified that part of her for HOWARD. During our convo I started to realize Howard was sort of my mentor and then I think I imagined being on the show with him, and imagined what it was like when he had Beth on the show. I started talking about how I didn't have an outlet for my creativity and got the feeling Howard was going to offer me some kind of position...maybe that was when I started imagining the other situations. For some reason I felt like I needed to get on the ferry. I knew we were in Boston...or I had just gotten off the ferry.

I am with Will and I don't know how or where I find him but we are together like we are morphing into one almost. He is sweet and innocent and loves me. We are cradling each other. I feel happy and warm. It is more love than sexual.

Someone is trying to make me do something like write something down in a workbook of sorts or go through a workbook maybe but I know its already been done or is all messed up inside. It is me and someone else. I knew before but I forget now.

I wake up and Sharon is in my grandmother's room crying and hysterical because the sheets are wet and the alarm keeps going off and I guess she lives in the apartment with us and sleeps in the other room. I realize its my fault because I didn't change the sheets when I knew they were wet and I tell her I'll take care of it and she leaves.

I am reading a letter I've kept folded up without reading from Maria saying how much shes going to miss me when I leave Charleston and I read it and try to send her a text saying how much I miss her but it all just comes out as little squares running over one another. This happens when we are walking through a sort of back field summer camp where everyone is asian and they are all playing baseball or riding bikes or skipping and are wearing baseball caps and stuff. I think maybe sara silk is there. I go over to a creek and am trying to walk on the big stones near the edge. what seems like the head asian camp counselor starts yelling at me. I am trying to jump across on a little stick thats only part in the water. Then she comes over and I think she jumps across.

Before this I think I am in an airport and we are trying to go to Jaqueline Hall's house for this party. I need to get in touch with Lindsay but we get split up at some point but this is later on a bus because she has to get off at a different stop than me but I think I am worried about her being better friends with everyone or maybe she is supposed to help out. I think we both are but don't or it seems like we are underage because at the party we have to pay a few bucks for the two leftover beeers in the fridge (but there are more unopened beers in the back).

At the airport I get out and there is this guy who walks next to me and starts talking to me. I am not in a great mood because I think I am worried about the party with Lindsay. I am wearing a long black dress that is sort of stretchy and clingy- not to the floor. He rides next to me on the escalator andd he talks the whole time. He is saying how he knows I probably think I don't want to talk to him and all that but how he would be a great person for me and stuff like that. He is odd and entertaining and I don't say anything because he just keeps talking. He is no one that I've seen or met before. We go into one part of the airport once we leave the terminal where it seems like there is a wraparound bar and all they make are different kinds of slurpees in these flat top square spinny machines. We leave there and go over to this other place which is a real bar and before I sit down he has already ordered two beers which are short guinesses and come with little chalots (i think about how whoever said that guiness isnt vegan) so i pour in the guiness and drink it and am talking to him at first and then girls i know start to come over and i end up talking to them. then sara silk comes over and she is talking to the two girls i am with who seems to be better friends with her than i am which maakes me feel strange in a way and wish i was better friends with sara still. Her neck is long and sort of veiny and i think about how she looks like a mini adult - sara or like the blonde woman in modern family in a way.

At another part Uncle Andy comes in and it is 7 am and he is banging around in the kitchen. This must have happened after I got up and gave Nane her meds because I am confused why he is upset but it seems obvious that it is at me. So I show him the log and tell him I've already given her her meds at 6 and that I got back on time last night and put her to bed. He is still very upset and my grandmother is up at the table and he gives her some milk. I ask him if he gave her her meds again because I think maybe that is why he is trying to feed her but he says no. I leave the room and when I come back in I have just heard a loud noise and it seems like hes shot through a book of piano sheet music that I had. He tells me how things are going to be around here and is apparently upset at my having fun and/or interests. He wants these things to stop he says.

*Another thing happened on the bus which made it seem sort of more like a "college bus" where before I had thought it was more of a "high school bus" because of what was happening...There was this girl on the bus and she was giving a speech on the bus because she had been chosen to and she was just sortof reciting it out the window by herself but everybody was listening and I guess this is what she was supposed to be doing. Anyway she was starting off about how she at first felt it was so important for her to be taking this medication because she really felt like she had a sharper grasp on her intellect on this medication and it helped her to be in a certain state "rhymed with humour" at which point everyone laughed and seemed to know what she was talking about but i couldn't understand what it was and then i figured out it was "tumour" and then the whole speech turned out to be her talking about recovering from her brain tumour and stuff (i'm not sure if this ever or how it did follow back to the part about medication which i was actually interested in). Anyway, I began to realize who she was and how I knew her and why she really annoyed me (because she did). She seemed sort of like Danielle's friend who I met breifly and who she lives with who used to be anorexic and is rich but in the dream I realized that she was some girl who worked at The Halsey and I figured she only got to work at The Halsey and give this speech on the bus because she had this brain tumour that didn't kill her. It was a sort of a negative way to feel I guess but there you go,

*very strange i think in dream terms that someone should say "that thing that rhymes with humour and I am the only one who can't figure it out even though I am the one having the dream...although I did eventually get it

I am dreaming to whats going on on NPR,

there is something about beach erosion. Someone in the interview on t.v. says "If it comes between me going to get my snickers and then going to the beach and the sand is too hot, then I'm just gonna get my Snickers and go"

(I remember the news piece on the sand at southie beach being "too hot")

I am at my parents house I guess which is nothing like my parents house and more like a log cabin. The living room is the same but there is an attic. At one point I see my Mom in the attic sleeping sort of face down on the floor and she has one arm over Edna and Edna is sleeping the same way. I talk to her and tell her the big special is going to be on and she sort of looks up at me and so does Edna, and then she goes back to sleep with her head on the floor and so does Edna.

Uncle Gene is there and I watch my Dad and Uncle Gene both watching the t.v. and they both have the same sort of forlorn expression on their faces.

I go to a bar that is sort of outside kind of like that place in charleston that looks like a gas station...

first i go here or i go to the olsens house- i see bobby olsen and bryan gaynor. bobby and kiley are there and bobby's mom is there so it must be their house. we are all sitting at a table having a sort of formal dinner in a way. I am trying to impress Bobby. Its almost as if I'd gone to new york in the first part of the dream but then we are at bobby's and its as if bobby has moved home and has been living in his mothers house for a long time. It seems like he doesnt have a real job and sort of relies on other people to pay for him when he goes out but he still pulls it off in a charming way. When we are at the dinner table his mom puts out this big ornate book and asks if I know of John Berryman and I say "The dreamsongs?" and then she shows me the book and it is the dreamsongs but the font and jacket are crazy ornate and i couldnt have read it before. I am sitting next to bobby and wonder if his mom and me getting along impresses him.
"

then we go out to the bar and its more like we're in new york. Paige and Meghann and Sinclair all show up and are wearing like bikinis and fur coats and hanging off things and running around, but its like I can't really be there. I am still trying to get Bobby to let on if he likes me or not and I am telling maybe Bryan or whoever I'm with how these are my friends but I don't remember talking to them. They had called me before or something but its like because of where I am I can't have fun the way that they are, even though it seems like we are in the same place.

I wake up around 5 30 in the morning to pee and I am dreaming that Alyssa Murphy is a radio personality. It suits her very well and I remind myself to remember it and tell her. I think I am phoning in to her station in the dream or I am in the booth with her and we are bantering back and forth. I guess it is sort of like the Ricky Gervais podcast show.

As I am starting to fall asleep I am thinking about the ring in the book Seabiscuit where the author or the jockey is a small boy and is watching an older jockey ride this horse around the ring. It is just the sandy ring and a greyish watercolory scene, grey blue sky, little grass, maybe trees, mostly the ring, the color of sand, the fence and the jockey on his horse going around and around. The ring is small. I guess maybe I am the little boy.

Then I am remembering the view from the window in the movie Mr. Lonely with the Michael Jackson impersonator and the Marilyn Monroe impersonator and the Charlie Chaplin/Hitler-esque impersonator. I am just looking out the window of the movie onto this lush greenery that goes on forever.

Then I am dreaming that I have just arrived somewhere. I am seeing Paige. I guess I am in Charleston but first I am with Paige and that seems different. Maybe it is New York to Charleston but it all seems like Charleston. I go to Paige's house and Chelsea is there and maybe Will.

I am with Paige or leaving and we get in a car with Rix and the driver is the Haittian guy Nobel from the T the other day. He is like the cab driver I guess. I have a small amount of pot I think but Paige says he'll have drugs and I think he rolls a joint or has a joint. We are going to Rix's trailor to see Pat. I run into the trailer when we get there and look around for Pat. Rix says something and he appears and acts very casual and cool at first and very non- Pat like. He is smoking a Marlboro Red and seems to present himself differently. Then we go outside and the trailer area sort of seems like that dog-show me and my mom went to once somewhere in New England. I tell Pat its ok I have something that he wants- either a cigarette, a lighter, or a joint but probably a joint.

I dream I am around for whitey Bulger's trial- it is sort of like being
at camp. We are all sort of hanging out in this camp-yagoog like area like we live there. I think Devon is there. We are sort of waiting around and involved with whitey. I like him but I see him act sort of evil, I think he will take a liking to me though and I will be ok. He is wearing a t shirt with little squiggly cursive repetitive writing across it in a block formation, light blue. He is i9n the passenger side of a truck wearing a sort of trucker hat and thick dark glasses.

Yesterday I dreamed of the hill with the donkey inside the pen on the
side of the road in Williamsburg right as I was starting to fall asleep...and then the picnic tables there and the smell of hotdogs and pasta salad on a plastic plate. Later on I dream we are in a dark room on couches and under blankets watching a movie or something. Then the chorus line of thye little mice in the movie Babe comes into my head and I start singing it and then my Dad is on the other sofa and he starts singing the mice part too and he does a better job than I do, but its very pleasant.

I am at something like the Kentucky Derby, I think it is an indoor arena and we are on a flat sort of plateaued section where there are dining tables. I'm here with John Maccallum's "brother" "Jimmy", John's real life brother Neil is also at the table. I have met Jimmy somehow outside of John being there and we are sort of on a date. He shows me how we are going to eat the shrimp with oatmeal. We are all going to have shrimp iin a bowl with either oatmeal or something richer and milkier. This is a big part of the event we are at. This seems to be a rich person kind of event. Alex Wilson is there. People seem to be just roaming around the stadium going from section to section. When John arrives he comes to the table and sees me sitting next to Jimmy and makes that half-suprised/ dissaproving face and sits down across from us. I guess maybe we are in New York. Jimmy seems very smooth and manipulative. I'm not sure why/if/how much I am into him.

At some other time I think Ricky is with me and we are going around moving or around south boston.

When I'm in the stadium there are a few people working there as waiters and servers and I know some of them. They are mostly kids around my age. There is one guy who is black and seems familiar but I can't quite place him. He seems like someone else. I think I am trying to smoke a joint or roll a joint inside the stadium and for some reason I'm doing it semi in secret away from the table. I go into the bathroom or something and come out with the joint and am trying to smoke it by the balcony but its loose and falling apart. One of the waiter people asks me for a hit and I am suprised he knows it is a joint. I remember talking to Alex Wilson and he was wearing suspenders.

When I leave the stadium I see the black guy waiter person and for some reason I don't remember that I know him and then he comes up to me and starts talking to me and I remember who he is. I think maybe I am smoking a joint then and he asks for a hit and I know that he knows its a joint because he doesn't smoke tobacco...He starts talking about how he fucked Cindy something in a little alley right near us (maybe he reminds me of Anson?) He talks about how he wants to fuck every girl he can because its sort of like tagging them and then you have that connection and either they'll help you later on or they won't but either way you fucked them so you own them a little bit and its like growing your wealth in a way, and I say I think there are some women who probably think like that too. His ideas about this are pretty offensive I guess but he is pleasant and mild and isn't trying to sleep with me so we just sort of sit there and talk and its nice. We are on a block of cement steps with hand rails in the middle of an empty parking lot and the street right in front of us is pretty deserted and looks sort of like Roxaboxen and then to the right there is what looks like the end of King street or King and Spring maybe but theres no one on the street and no one else comes out of the stadium.

My mom comes into the scene then and I think the waiter guy comes with us and some other people and we all go to Cole School with my Mom who I guess works there. I am struck by how it smells exactly the same and how I remember the smell. The walls are all salmony-pink and I am smelling them. I really need to use a bathroom and I start going from room to room looking for one. In lots of the rooms there are toilets cemented to the floors in the middle of the rooms but somehow I know or decide these aren't usable even though they are toilets. My mom is scooting around the rooms on what looks like and empty roll of masking tape. She puts one foot on the masking tape and then there is a long handle that comes up and she pushes off with her other foot and I guess this is what she does while she is working. She takes me to the bathroom which is dark like all the rooms because the school is closed. There are three little toilets all with a little piece of toilet paper in them.

When I wake up I realize I really have to pee.

I dream I have this sort of seventies style burnt sienna jacket hanging up in my room and at first I think its really ugly and wonder why I bought it. Then I try it on and it is suddenly leopard fur and really soft and looks amazing and is my new favorite jacket ever.

I am at "7 winfield street" as it exists in the dream, and maybe I am late getting back and think Sharon might be upset with me. She comes down and into the apartment though and isn't mad, she is talking about the cats and how they should be allowed to be freer or dirtier. She says something about how "see shes fine there" about edna laying across the table or something.

Eithere because Sharon told me I should I decide to take the cats out.
(Before this I try to walk to the convenience stores to get a snack but they are all closed and I realize its a lot later than I thought) Sharon is in a car with a strange man or there is a strange man in a car several times, as if he is sort of following me. I think maybe he is supposed to be a cop.

Then I decide to take the cats out instead because I'm hungry and so I take them to a restaurant down the street. I want to go check on Nane in the middle of dinner but realize I can't leave the cats at the table by themselves or else they won't behave themselves. I get a call from my mother and don't answer it and then realize its her birthday.

When I get back to the apartment I go in the back and my grandmother is on the floor but I pick her up and get her back into bed. The alarm is going off. My mother is also in the kitchen with my Aunt Pam.

the ron jeremy/ danny devito dream: saturday the 25th

(sleeping over at ricky's)

I am living in a little apartment with my grandmother but Sharon also lives there. Sometimes I feel like I need to be doing something and I'm not sure what my role vs Sharon's role is supposed to be in taking care of my grandmother.

At some point I get involved with this guy who has Danny Devito's size and body-type but who looks like Ron Jeremy and acts sort of like a pornstar-gangster. He has a latkey who is a skinny little gay dude who looks almost albino with white blonde hair. They come into my room or I am in their room or the two things become one but I don't think we leave the house where my grandmother, Sharon, and I live. It seems like Ronny Devito convinces me of something at first and then he leaves.

After he leaves I am left alone with the gay albino and we are left to sort of feel each other out. The room we are in sort of turns into my parents bedroom. He asks me if I want to do cocaine with him and I say ok but then while he is cutting it up I get involved in something else...I think maybe I am rolling a joint. He cuts up a bunch of lines and then he does all of them. I had noticed before that he had been doing cocaine and when I see him after I realize he's a bit of a cokehead.
He starts shivering and rocking back and forth on the carpet and I think I am concentrating again on rolling the joint but he suddenly says "hey" to me and I look up. He asks me if I will come over and sit next to him and so I go over and sit next to him and put my arms around him and we rock back and forth and I feel like I suddenly understand him and am glad he is able to ask me to be there, it is a very innocent moment.

Then something happens and I'm not sure the exact time sequence. At some point Ronny Devito comes back and then we are back in the small room in the Sharon-grandma apartment. Ronny Devito is having sex with me and I'm not sure why but I feel like I've become part of some deal or something. It isn't exactly something I'm into but I don't feel like its horrible either.

Then Ricky shows up and we are somewhere else altogether, maybe out, but the environment isn't as clear. We start having sex and it is good and I feel like I've had some kind of sexual realization or discovery, maybe about orgasming. We are together and happy.

Then I am transported back to the little room where Ronny Devito had sex with me and no one is there but all their stuff is there (I guess they had stuff) and I suddenly remember about how they came in and what happened and I start to feel horrible about it and I don't know how I'll get out of the situation. I feel as if I need to run away even though I think that the room was originally my room. I decide that I will need to leave this place.

Right before I wake up I am realizing I just agreed to have a threesome with Nathan and Caroline and a girl we found on the internet? I go into the bathroom to collect myself and accidentally drop a towel in the toilet. Around that time I realize I am dreaming and don't have to go through with thee threesome and I wake up.
Nathan and Caroline and the girl are all in the living room I was just in sitting on a big gymnastic mat on the floor. Nathan gives the rules of the threesome very stoically about how you can engage and who you can engage with and one at a time and this and that.

Before this I meet Erin in a super-store or a mall. Its more like a big glass building with all different little rooms with different items in them, maybe the same as the place I met her before but it feels different. She shows me a video someone took of me because they thought I was related to her family I think? When I cam to a party or event...or maybe they thought I was her. In the video I am riding up an escalator and I look fat, not gigantically fat, but fat in the way that I realize that I'm actually fatter than I think I am. Through the dreams after that I feel self-conciously fat.

Erin and I go into a little nook at the end of one of the halls in the mall up a few steps, it is a "used book store" but more like a small room of books or the James library. Erin is looking for a Shakespeare book which she finds almost immediately. I see a Calvin and Hobbes book on display I've never seen before and want to buy it but forget. There is another one opposite it as well. The illustrations on the cover look like earlier Calvin drawings and both books have aggressive sort of tongue-in-cheek violent titles...one says something about bombs. I remember later I forgot to buy the book.

(ricky spends the night)

ricky and i are driving in the dark in what is supposed to be cambridge i think but is more like a rural suburb ala norwell. we drive into a lot which is sort of like the bus turn around in scituate and i guess it is supposed to be a highschool parking lot. ricky goes inside or i go inside because another car comes into the lot and walks into the building. i guess ricky walks in after him. he is a pizza delivery driver. i get into the passenger seat of the car with the keys and wait for ricky and then get too nervous and jump in the drivers seat. i remember i say "just dont deliver any pizzas" i guess maybe we didnt have a car before and were walking along the road in"cambridge". it is always very dark. so we figure out the guy with the pizza is a delivery driver who is stuck in a time machine because he keeps showing up at this school lobby/ parking lot every 18 minutes with a new pizza and its the same guy with the same car. ricky gets frustrated that he keeps showing up and everytime the car dissappears. so we get in the car and drive away and i am nervous we will get caught and tthat another car in the parking lot is the police but it isnt or if it is they don't bother us. in the car we can see the pizza delivery driver still driving past us every 18 minutes.

before or after this we are outside walking around on the street and there is water like a creek. it is very dark and i am scared because ricky keeps scaring me. all of a sudden we are walking and the pavement turns into the tops of big wood telephone poles. we both go to turn back because we are so high up but then we see people walking under us on the street and sort of through the water. ricky goes back and jumps down and we walk over to the water which is full of starfish and sand dollars only all of them have only one half remaining. there is another thing sort of like an anenome that is coming out from a shell. all these bright purple strand like tentacles that are curved all in the same direction and extend and sweep around. they keeep touching me and trying to touch me and i think they are going to do something to me. ricky is trying to scare me wwith things in the water and i get upset and maybe start crying because it is scary and hes making things up and we've already stolen a car.

we go back to my place and it turns out i live in a dorm. instead of bunk beds i think i actually sleep in the same upper bunk bed as my room mate who i notice is there way too long into a makeout session with ricky. i see him and notice he is studying. he gives us a sheepish wierd look and we roll over to sleep or watch a movie. he is studying with a little book light thing and when we roll over to sleep ricky turns back and cuts off thee light. i tell him he cant do that and get out of bed. ricky calls nino and is talking about how much he hates those little booklights and how it must be perfectly understandable for him to need to turn it off. I go out into the hall of the dorm and a girl comes up to me and asks me if she can use me as a presentor for her project. i remember i go to a school for sortof tech-savvy pseudo art (i dont know why). she says she noticed me and how i have a gladiator persona that not too many people have anymore. I have to meet her at a panel like table meeting later. she shows pictures that she took of me in the grocery store or home depot where i am carrying heavy bag in each arm and my elbows are bent but my fists are raised up by my head...i guess this is what makes my persona "gladiator-like".

i notice what looks like a dead flower or flower-bud on my eyelash and pull it off. when i do a ton of other flower-heads come off. i dont know whether these are my eyelashes or not and i have to talk to someone without knowing right after.

after the eyelash incident and at the gladiator meeting, which ricky comes to, my face turns purple-red like a birthmark and gets very hot. when i go to the bathroom to check it out it has cleared up a little but my face is puffy and also my eyebrows have turned thin and blonde. i try to tell ricky about it. i think it may have been because they were going to take my picture.

(I wakeup briefly feeling like I might throw up and drooling water like I will)

I am with Lindsay and another girl who I think is maybe supposed to be Nathan's girlfriend and she looks sort of like Caroline ed's girlfriend from charleston. We are setto go bowling and I meet them on a porch. Caroline takes an unflattering picture of me from above with the last shot left in my disposable camera. I am mad because I was saving it for the only group shot and I dont know why she did it because there werent even any pictures of me on the camera yet, but it seemed like she was trying to make me react superficially or something. This upsets me deeply and I spend the rest of the time trying not to cry. She seems like a jerk.

Paul tells me my eyes are red and they look like they might start bleeding.

Bridey is secretly sort of an evil villain or much smarter than she seems. She is there and there is another caretaker who is nicer but not really someone real I think.

I take my grandmother to the beach. I enter a nursing home of sorts near the water which is all yellow and gold and orange and inside the lobby there is a gauzy gold curtain hanging down. After I open the door I am not sure it is a nursing home anymore. A small woman with a big head and thick short grey hair comes hobbling out of thee curtain and asks how she can help me. I think I wheel over my grandmother (in a wheelchair) to her. The place is cool looking (sort of like the nursing home in the movie ponyo). I start talking to an older woman sitting behind a desk and then the other woman comes flopping into the chair next to her and her feet and legs are tiny and move like a muppet's, like they are made out of cloth. She is half seriously complaining/yelling at the woman next to her. She becomes a muppet.

I decide to get my grandmother out of here. I bring her out onto the beach. My mother comes there. I want her to take care of Josephine for me so I can leave. I think maybe my brother is there.

friday night- I am out somewhere with Jodi and Caroline Johnson. It is a weird store or restaurant and we are talking about being inherently misunderstood or weird or not being able to do what we want to do. I realize that Caroline is an artist. She shows me an illustration shes done of some woodland animals dressed like people, sort of wind in the willows-esque but very neatly done and pro looking.

I am with Uncle Andy and Erin. It seems like we are in new york city. Carol has become a drunk and stays in bed all day drinking and taking pills. She makes odd requests for other people and swears them off if they don't live up to her expectations. Andy tells me she would like it if I read up and dedicated my time to some odd craft like patch-working. I am not sure how to answer him. It seems like we are in a mall. Erin and I run into Uncle Michael and he says he heard us humming in unison on the radio and that he didn't know we could sing or that we were singing together. I didn't know either. I want to listen to the radio show and find out if its us. He holds out what looks like a small rock and apparently this has a recording of what might be our humming.



* a few nights ago I am with Ricky trying to go to a chinese restaurant that is all yellow opaque windows from the outside and on the inside its a vintage arcade with this one game thats sort of like the whack a mole or the alligator game only the puppets are hanging up in a glass box and they all look like Mr. Bill

I. I am about spread the weight of my body across the upraised palms of my highschool field hockey team. Ms. Schad is insisting on it. I have a feeling it may be for a photograph. I am not sure how I feel about this...then I wake up

I am at a restaurant with my Mom and Devon. She is singing a piece of music and her voice is beautiful. We talk about a woman named Eki who worked at the public library and wwho I can't remember at first which shocks Devon and my mom. I think we are in Charleston. Devon has too leave and she apologizes for singing so beautifully and for deciding to write a poem because she knowS I write poems. I tell her that its ok and that she sounds beautiful. My father is there at the table then.

I am living in a large mansion with different sections, a mansion I feel like I've been in in dreams before. I have moved into here from another apartment which was a mess. The ceilings in the bedroom are very low and there is one other room attached to it. From the bedroom I notice there is a swinging large door into a main part of the mansion and I go to look and accidentally swing the door and see a woman there. The door swings back again in my direction. Whoever is there is nice to me. I had forgotten that other people live in the mansion and no one seems to own it.

I see Tory on the street in Charleston but she sort of turns the other way. I wonder if she can't talk to me because Ricks isn't there anymore. I see Lily somewhere and she hugs me.

Later on I go to the upper deck (but not the upper deck) with Devon and her father. He seems to get drunk without drinking anything. He has glasses and whitish hair and doesn't remember telling me about the turtle in the front yard. Turtles come up somehow. Devon starts to seem like shes uncomfortable. When she has to leave we leave together and she is getting on a train and Ive handed her a bag of pot and for some reason she has my cellphone. Then she gets on the train and accidentally has my cellphone although she throws my pot back in the bag at the last minute.

I am at the upper deck working on something when Mr. Gray comes up to me and asks me where Devon is. I dont know and I try calling her number and Alecs but I can't get through to anyone.

I have brought my boyfriend (who I think is supposed to be Ricky) home to meet my parents. He looks like a cross between Daniel (?) Patterson (guy from the twilight movies who was on jimmy kimmel the other night) and Chip the artist from Richmond (or is it Ceasar?) Somehow I have to go see people and I end up leaving him at my house alone. We are having a barbeque or something, a family gathering. He gets along with everyone and is very comfortable. Every time I see him I just want to sit in his lap and makeout. I think he has to sort of fend me off because its innappropriate. I think in the dream he is much older than me and I should be worried about it but instead I am the one going off and acting less responsible and trying to make out with him all the time...my family does not seem to be bothered by the relationship. I think he is grilling things on the barbeque and charms everyone by making jokes and stuff. I'm pretty sure he gets along with my dad. The weather is warm. At some point I think we are in the basement.

night before last

I dream I am going to be on America's Next Top Model via no decision of my own. I am sitting in a semi-circle of girls with Tyra Banks and she starts saying names of who will be on the show (it feels like the cuts after a highschool sports team tryout). I don't know how I got here...I know I did not send in a video and have no tried out for the show so I'm not expecting to make the cut. Mine is the last name she says and she sort of just screams JESSIEEE JARVAAAAA at me. I am excited but also wary of being on the show. I realize I never really wanted to be on the show and I GET worried about what my friends will all think of me and how I am going to appear on the model program. I am a little afraid of being on television especially on ANTM and also that I will probably look fat. Somehow I know the show is going to take place in Chicago and I figure I shouldnt really turn down the opportunity and that it would be cool to go live in Chicago. My mom finds out and thinks this is a bad thing and evident of some kind of character flaw or failing on my development as a person. I want everyone to know that I did not seek out this thing, that it just happened. I think about declining to do the show but wonder if my own pride or insecurity is holding me back from taking on what could be a good opportunity. I am trying to re-think whether my need to be cooler than ANTM is really just being insecure and flippant. I am very torn and confused by this new life development...the dream is over before the show starts filming...a very strange dream, for sure.

Erik is coming home from college for a visit or something. I feel like we are on a train. It is cold outside or at least the trees look dead. Erik is talking about starting a fire. There's something that needs to be done at Cornell, I think. A certain square foot area needs to be accounted for in soome way and Erik has decided he will burn the area down liken a forest fire. My dad is hesitant about it. I start to see it as an evil plan. I get the feeling he wants people to die. It is going to be a disaster. It gets more sinister. He is set on the idea of the fire and does not listen. I think (in the dream) I understand his letter better.

I meet up with Will Milner, I think maybe outside Norwell High School. He has come to see me. He says he is giving it another shot with Capers and that things have gotten better. He seems sincere. I believe him. There is something I want to give him. I am wearing a backpack or he is and in the pocket there is the cat-head eraser ring I put on the necklace I made for Max...only I have given it to Will Milner and maybe he is trying to give it back. I ask him if he knew it was an eraser and show him how it erases.

Uncle Andy, Erik, Mom, Dad and me are all living in one house...there may be more family living there as well but I'[m not sure. Uncle Andy is living with us because he and Carol have split up...it also seems like she has died perhaps or been very cruel to Andy. Uncle Andy and Erik both feel like its a little below them to be living in the house with the rest of us and they decide to run for a position in the local election. Then everyone goes to sleep and I am the only one awake for a long time. While they are sleeping I also run for election and by the time they wake up the voting has already happened and I have been elected as an official. They are only slightly put off and I don't care because they are both very self-serving in their attitudes at this point in the dream...I think I may have ran purely to stop them from being elected and/or to show them that the public does not support their attitudes...also just to see what would happen...also because I felt they underestimated me.

Then me, my mom and Uncle Andy are driving in a car. Andy is upset about Carol- I don't know why I feel like she's died but I know they have split up and perhaps she has both the girls on her side and Uncle Andy is not allowed to see them- We are driving in a parking lot and making jokes and Andy, who is very sad, seems to cheer up a little bit...but then we see Carol and Leslie I think walking through the parking lot. I am sitting in the front seat and try to block them from Andy's view with my head but it doesn't work. Andy asks us to pull over so we do. We get out of the car and are standing on a wood-slat dock of sorts over a creek. Uncle Andy gets out of the car and starts crying. My mom disappears at this point and the car starts to slide over into the water...Uncle Andy tries to keep the car from going in and at first it is sort of funny (the parking lot seems like the parking lot outside of Leslie and Erin's highschool in Marblehead) but then Andy falls into the water. I am standing on the wood dock trying to pull him out of the water but he keeps slipping.

I dream that Ricky texts me "let me take you out tonight?" I imagine that I text him back "No. Let me take you out."

Lots of things, ok. So part of it is that I am with Mr. Bohan for some reason and he re-reads me like every card I've ever written and points out where things get sloppy. He is sort of advising me, sort of patronizing me in a way. What is Lindsay doing? I tell her about it. I am at their house which is sort of like a condo on a dark street and then I am on the dark street. Right before I wake up I am standing outside a venue or something where Will is inside and he sees me and I am self conscious because I know I have come there alone and he was not expecting me to and possibly I have traveled far...

Ok, middle dream (I think); There is a big art show in Charleston like Kulture Klash but there are more women involved, its going on during the day time, and it seems a bit classier. I am a student or at least involved in a young student-y way. I come in knowing I have some stuff in the show and am suprised by all the women and vaguely charleston people working there who come up to me...a woman says that she has never sold so much work at one time ( at this event) nor has she had as many comments as to "how brilliant" the work is. I am totally agape at the whole thing. I become an instantaneous art star...someone who seems kind of like john maccallum comes up to me delivering a message from this other guy artist (he looks like seth corts and paints a bit like tim hussey maybe and is apparently rich and famous off his art) inviting me to go on an "art tour" with him- all expenses paid with nice hotels...basically in the dream i become a rock star for painting and then afterwards I go to Lindsay's house where her Dad points out all my failures to me.

In some part of the dream I have not only the large "Jessica" inscribed overcoat sweater I found at the thrift store, but also a scarf which has my name sewn into it.

The rest of the dreams are horrible...(guilt dreams I think of the dead pet ilk) In the dreams I am taking care of Josephine without any help. First we are in the apartment in south boston, although I don't remember it seeming the same. Then something happens and we need to move out and relocate really quickly. My dad buys an apartment for us. It is one small dark room up a flight of stairs that descends from the center of the small room to where the entrance to outside is. It could not be more ill-suited to our needs or more perilous for Josephine. For some reason I am running around and have to leave her there alone. Every time I come back (or is it just one time?) she is in worse and worse condition. Its like we've been secreted away into this place and no one will help us. I come back and she is soaking wet and covered in urine and rolling around on the floor. I keep running back to the apartment hoping she hasn't fallen down the stairs...and all we have is this little room. I know my parents are involved in the dream but it seems as though they're disinterested (?)

Will is in the dream and it seems to be mostly about us getting together? Or him coming to rescue me or something like that

first time sleeping over at americo's:

I am with Rico in the dream, only he looks like a scrawny b-boy ala andrew henrickson and is less mature, I believe. I think we have sex. We are in Mergellina in Naples by the boardwalk or somewhere that seems alot like that. We go to a party or something and his ex-girlfriends are everywhere and I start to feel a little insecure. Wherever we are, he knows everyone and I don't know anyone. We end up in his house, he has an apartment ala the au pair apartment attached to the back of that big old house on main street in Norwell. His family lives in the main house and he has a bunch of sisters. They all talk in front of me and are clearly suspicious of our relationship...I don't know if it is because of his last girlfriend or our age difference. His mom starts questioning me and I end up lying about having been confirmed and have to make up a lie about my confirmation party which somehow unravels my story and everyone knows I am lying. At some point his mom hands me a little black baby that looks like steve erkel. The baby is wearing suspenders.

When I wake up I see Rico and half-asleep kiss him and say "you're so much better in real-life".
After I fall back asleep I say "don't do it" out loud because Rico says "what?" and I realize I was talking. I don't know if I said anything else.

I am on a trip with my family on a cruise boat. THere is some kind of big party going on or about to happen. I am looking for Will and I can see him standing outside, (I'm not sure how there is an outside if we are on a cruise ship...we might actually be in a hotel in new york). MY DAD MAKES ME COME OVER TO A TABLE WHERE he starts talking about this guy or this guy he introduces me to starts talking about something and I have to be polite and listen but all I CAN THINK OF IS RUNNING OUTSIDE to see Will...he wasn't supposed to come I think and maybe does not know that I AM there. I WANT TO RUN OUTSIDE AND TALK TO him and am getting very frustrated that I HAVE TO listen to whatever bullshit is going on.

I go with Paul Fletcher to Kelsey Chapman's house for some kind of party. Kimbo is there. It is her parents mansion or something. I am broke, which I think is part of the incentive to go. I am trying to get high and hope she can hook me up with some pot or a pot dealer. I do end up getting high with her and smoke almost the whole joint by accident but luckily only her and i are smoking. So me and paul are at her house and she is in a dark room with other people, i think boys from charleston. I am hanging out and at some point I notice paul is gone and I go looking for him and he is in a bedroom asleep, he says he forgot that drinking a tall boy puts him to sleep. there is a pbr tall boy in the bed with him. i say a nap is a good idea and get into bed with him and i guess we nap. then kelsey's mom is there and we have to go out into the kitchen and there is all this food and stuff. kelsey's mom is talking about stuff and then kelsey starts talking about how she went to afganistan and how when she first went it was a big deal because the airport was an obvious target for bombing if they could get close to it. she said something about how the women are starving there, or she started to say it and then sort of stopped like it was a secret. her mom talked about how hard it was for her to live in the afghani villa or whatever with no tv and cell phone and only sometimes an internet connection, she was saying how she would be outside on a chaize lounge all day, just typing on her computer...i'm not sure why kelsey had gone to afghanistan but it seemed like something about interviews and stuff. at one point i got really hungry and went into the kitchen to eat the corn on the cob and the corn cobs all had huge floppy kernels on them and each was in a little wire mesh cage sortof but all of them were half-wholly eaten but i still tried to eat a half eaten one. afterwards i realized it was drenched in butter (vegan uh-oh). kelsey's mom was in the kitchen and all the food was these strange vegetables like the corn so i asked her if she had a garden or they grew their vegetables. she said they got them at some kind of market. the whole vibe i got at the house was that they were sort of faux-genuine people, mostly rich, but i didnt really mind. then we went on a car ride, i'm not sure where to. I saw a stone fox outside the window and went "oh, a fox!" and kelsey and her mom were like hahaha thats not a fox, and i was a little embarassed because i realized i knew where we were and had passed the stone fox many times before. after we passed the fox there was an open field of deer and maybe cows. i knew where we were and it seemed like marshfield or something, somewhere in new england. i feel like we were going to their house. we smoked another joint in the car.

march 12th 2011

when i am at paul's new apartment in allston i dream that i find these green circular growths on my skin, like plants growing up from the inside. I hope these dreams are a good metaphor. i think they are on my arm(s).

I am asked to babysit for fat baby ryan, who looks about the same except his face is rounder and maybe he has a beard. i am in some kind of norwell region ghost land. I leave wherever I am to go babysit fat baby ryan. I get there and hug kathy and tell her how i miss her. the house is totally different, the kitchen is in the middle and the rest of the house is vey open and everything else just sort of stretches out around the center kitchen. dan comes in and is very nice to me but i feel almost as if hes flirting with me. he tries to kiss kathy at one point and she turns her head, saying shutdown, like she is trying to regain control in their relationship or they are playing games. they are going out to dinner. i notice that they both seem rounder in a way and wonder if they are "fat skinny people" and how that happens. i ask if i should make ryan something particular for dinner and they say i can just make whatever as if i will obviously concoct him some kind of tofu sandwich...i don't remember the rest of the night babysitting and after i leave i feel like i got drunk at the house and i hope i didnt do anything bad or leave anything out, i completely black it out but while still in the dream

When Nane wakes me up in the middle of the night/ early morning I am having a wierd dream where there are two guys trying to sleep with me or being creppy and I'm in a dark apartment with one of them and am scared that the other one is going to come and think that one of them has a girlfriend or something? Dark and weird so I'm glad I have to get up

In the morning/ mid-afternoon I am dreaming I am with Emiliano in New York and I can see Emiliano very clearly and he looks just like Emiliano. We are in the apartment catching up and then we go outside and its a beautiful sunny day. Then his mom comes onto the street and I want her to like me because I know she doesn't like me , (she does not look anything like Emiliano's real-life Mom) but she starts playing a game with Emiliano , she turns into an Albert Einstein look-a-like but I know that it is a costume and that hert and Emiliano are playing a game. He creeps up behind her and then they both creep in unison like michael jackson thriller saying funny things across the street. I know that Emiliano's Mom is going to judge me on my reaction and I want to show my support but am too afraid to join in outright. So I get down on the ground and start wriggling across the street like I have no limbs. Then there is a cat also that starts doing the same thing towards me, wriggling on the pavement. And then Emiliano and his Mom creep towards me and we all come together and they call me a baby and stuff but its funny like an improv skit. Then Emiliano and his Mom start having a semi-real conversation I think and we eat oranges and bananas which are really good. I'm still not sure if his mom likes me.

I am running away or something with anson. At first we are in a room like in the back of a train. We are in charleston? Then it is like we are all going on a trip, maybe to Italy? We end up going to this zoo/pet store/ aquarium in what feels like Florida. I feel like this was not part of the plan. We were on a boat before? It reminds me of another dream where we were at a park. I get separated from anson but not at first. There are rows and rows of hamsters. Sometimes the animals seem animatronic and other times they seem real. I go to see the dogs bc I think I need to rescue an animal but there are too many and were not even supposed to be here. In the dog section it seems like some of the dogs are dead and some are lying on the ground. I realize I've lost everyone and wonder if there is anywhere around here to get a drink. I see a bunch of people playing with penguins outside but I don't know how to get out. Then I am sitting on a bench in frog of what I think is a pool with a walrus in it. Then Lindsay, Monica, and Miley Cyrus come by and find me. I think anson is with them too. Then I realize we are very close to the pit and a white wolf sticks his head out and starts barking. I feel like I can't help being very close to the barriers.

i have a dream inside my dream or something of will wearing a ridiculous outfit. i am at a party with andrea mcgrath and we areupstairs in what looks like my brothers room but is supposed to be nathan morena's room, it is the three of us and some other kid with an afro? i think. me and andrea are sitting on the bed, there are more people downstairs. nathan morena and his friend are doing drugs. i just want to smoke pot but it seems like no one is going to smoke pot. i have my vyvanse prescription and only two pills left and im not trying to take them but somehow the last one gets wet and splits apart (maybe this is because of guilt over nanny having too many pills at once?) so i have to rol it up with rolling papers. i dont want them to see because they are doing so many drugs. i get a little bit fucked up but not as much as nathan and his friend who are makin g me very uncomfortable. andrea mcgrath just keeps laughing. finally i get downstairs and see a girl next to the counter who looks like beth except her eyes are like red exes but then she says my name and it really is beth. i am very relieved. shortly after that lindsay comes in and the three of us are going to go outside and smoke pot but THEN from the other corner of the kitchen wall walks over and he is wearing the outfit i dreamed of him wearing which is ridiculous, sortof like a bee costume with a striped shirt and bowtie and short shorts and then really big elfish banana yellow shoes. i go with him into a garage area where there is a line of desks and computers or something like that? hes either trying to show me something or we are trying to get it on. afterwards we leave and go somewhere else or its been a really long time and i feel bad for not returning to beth and lindsay.


i also dream at some point there is some cauliflower like root growing out of my stomach. i pinch part of it off.

First I am living in a strange place like a hotel from a video game or the house of the aunts in James and the giant peach, I am living with nanny but there are other people around and she is dying. It seems like we wheel her in a shopping cart to the "hospital" which seems more like A library or laboratory or storeroom. On some of the aisles instead of shelves there are long couches. We need to convince the people at the hospital to let her live or that she is not dead. She keeps falling asleep everywhere and sometimes we think she's dead. Erin And lesly and Erik are there too. Erik is not helpful at all and is only annoying, really. At one point I see Erin and Lesley pushing the shopping cart down an aisle. At another point I see a chart with the order of something on it, Andy is at the top, then carol then me then Erin then Lesley then Erik. It has to be symbolic of something. The names were written down in different colors. Then I leave this place on a mission to save nanny although once i leav I can't quite remember how I was going to get help. I find myself walling behind a woman who looks exactly like Carla from modern family and she is singing a karaoke song. Her husband boyfriend reminds me of someone, sort of like hamdee, actually maybe it is the owners of the villa in spoleto...as she comes to the end of he song she runs into an event and finishes off (although I recall hearing her sing a fancier ending before...this is something I have seen many times or happens often) everyone applauds and I walk in behind her, as does her bf, who comes up behind us and hugs us both and she gives me a look like we are old friends. I go to get a glass of wine and someone turns from a group of people and looks at me. At first I don't recognize him. "you don't even remember what your exboyfriend looks like?" he says and I am shocked. It is will graefe. He grabs me by the shoulders as he says this and I can't even feel. I try to explain that I am trying to save my nanny but As I go to do it I realize at this moment I am really just at a party. I wake up at this point/ I make myself go back to sleep

In round 2 I am trying to fix things with will. I get a phone call from Ryan Hines ( who might be with mike Odonnel?) who asks if me and will want to go to his house and smoke pot. I might have been on the phone with will but not quite with him yet- I pick him up in my car and I am wearing my pink ref coach bball shirt and sport shorts. For some reason I don't realize this at first and when I glance in the mirror I am mortified by how bad I look. Will is in a much gentler form now, but is also hazier and less expressive than the previous will. I am drivin my fathers call and it's like I can barely control it. I am going superfast no matter what and my feet are twisted over each other. I have one on eachmped and I keep having to twist the car around. I keep almost killing us an try to play it off. It's like I can't stop the car and readjust my feet. We are ddiving through woodsy areas. Then I drive Into water and it appears this is some kind of gas station so we get out. We have to stand on a log in he water while they/in order to do something to the car. We are standing on the log and we both fall into the water. We have to grasp and hold on to each other in order to get ourselves back up and onto the log. There is something reassuring about it. Afterwards I drive him home and then I realize we never got to Ryan Hines house which was the whole point.

Andy comes in theroom and looks at Nane and says she looks out of it. I am in a classic murder/kidnap situation dream. I am with someone else and we are in the woods with the man who is trying to kill us. We need to walk over a log behind him and kick a gun into the stream. I know what we have to do because I have had this dream before or because I have learned it from a movie, or at least this is the feeling I get whilst in the dream. I am not afraid but feel very focused and I believe everything goes according to plan. I feel like the person with me is something like a little brother. Either this night or the other night kelsey chapman was in my dream but I can't really remember why or what we were doing.

I am in a large house like a mansion. First I am in my nomal house though. It is something like Thanksgiving. Anson is coming to my house and there is nothing I can do about it maybe and I am trying to keep it a secret from my parents. He will have to stay in the basement. I forget about this. Then lots of family starts showing up at the house and I am talking with relatives and getting white wine. Then the basement door starts banging around and busts open and out walks anson. he is balding and his head is shaved almost bald, he does not look so good. immediately i yell at my brother for locking him in the basement which i suddenly know he did. my mother is upset about the event but my dad just kind of jokes with me and says "well you know uncle gene wanted to bring his new girlfriend to spoleto" and then sort of doesthe rick joke-shrug at me. "what does that have to do with anything?" i say, but it makes me feel better that he isnt taking it as seriously.

ok, then i am in the mansiony house which is really really old and i live there with my family but mostly just my mom is there and nane is also there...then gramcracker is there! and i am like what the hey is going on. so i go to my mom aqnd im like i thought grammie was dead! and she is like yeah, well she is dead but she has this wierd sort of dead person alzheimers where she wakes up every now and again and acts like her old self and doesnt remember that she is dead. meanwhile nane is her old regular alzheimers self. grammy dances around and sings a teacup song and every little song she sings i try to sing too but i dont know the words and i dance around her while she sings them (this happens later tho at some sort of art show or exhibtion in a gymnasium/ auditorium) while we are still in the mansion house we walk over at some point to a bed (me mom nane and grammie) and on the bed are nane and grammies "dead" bodies, nane gets upset seeing grammie and also probably the dead bodies but grammie is really clueless. it is creepy though and i try to get everyone away from the dead bodies.

ok, and then i am at some sort of camp or something. something has gone wrong and we all have to sit underground in a hallway all day. it has to do with sharks. we get assigned to teams. maria is there and maybe we are in college. mr. devine seems t be the leader of sorts. we are waiting to get let out of the hallway. my team ends up going into a classroom filled with water in which there is a shark and something happens with the shark trying to bite us and we are all on some sort of raft or something together and we go around the classroom in circles with the shark snapping at us but no one gets bit. i believe because no one from the team gets bit we are then allowed to go home. it seems like maria and i are in charleston and it is a weekend night and we are trying to go out.

First I am with Will and its as if I have traveled a long distance or he has traveled a long distance. We are together for the first time in a while, I think. We end up in my parents bedroom, I think they are away. Anyways we are in the bed and I know that I have some coke on me but I'm not really thinking about it. Then Will pulls out a bag of coke and asks if I want to do some. This makes me think about/worried about the coke I have. I think he goes downstairs and I put it in my bedroom. So we do a bump or something and we are about to have sex when he interrupts things and says that we can't have sex. I am mortified and wonder if its because of my breath which I have a feeling is very bad. Then I find myself in an airport or something with Anson, it is like fast forward from will to my relationship with anson, which i think is fine until later...my parents enter the picture somewhere and i am worried about the coke again. at the airport i end up needing to eat something or being told, perhaps by my mother, to eat something, so i go to a round kiosk (like the old coffee place in the plaza) and get a falalfel hummus wrap. i am sitting next to rachel hayes who smells something horrid and asks if its my breath. I decide my breat must be horrible and am re-mortified about the will thing. I eat about half the falafel before there is mention of coke and this little scrawny kid wearing a basball cap gets involved. he is TINY, very short and just tiny tiny-boned. somehow we are back at my parents house and cocaine gets spilled all over the carpet. i think my brother comes home. i am equal parts trying to do cocaine and trying to hide cocaine throughout this dream.

recent dreams i forgot to jot down

I. i give my mom a present and she gives it to someone else, it makes me upset

II. i go to lindsays house and she is having a huge party with all these people from highschool and when i show up everyone has been partying for a long time and are all fucked up. she didnt invite me beforehand and i am the only person who is not wasted. i feel like she is going to get in trouble and wonder why i wasnt told about the party (there is another dream where we are at an apartment in hull that this seems somewhat similar4 to) and then (ala how in real life i always end up being the only sober one at jandys by accident when his parents come home) lindsays parents come home and shit hits the fan, a lot of it is about the fact that everyone is smoking marajuana and that they think lindsay has a drug problem

i cut my left hand across the top. i am using a knife for something. blood bubbles up out from the hand every time i move it. i am trying to make something that i need my left hand to make. the blood is freaking me out. all i can think of is doing cartwheels and all i want to do is everything i can't do with my hand bleeding like it is. i wonder if i've accidentally killed myself and will bleed out. it reminds me of the time i cut my finger on the beet can.

I am brushing my teeth when I realize they are covered in a pinkish salmon colored layer which is partially brushing away. I look in the mirror and see a little bit of white where I've brushed, which is when I realize my real teeth are underneath this layer. The salmon colored teeth look dead. I am almost afraid to keep brushing but I do. I feel something get dislodged and spit out what looks like a front tooth. I look in the mirror and it is not my front tooth but one near the right side of my top teeth (though it is the shape and size of a front tooth). You can't see the gap unless I pull my mouth to the side.

There is a big dance like it is the end of school or graduation. I am wearing a short tight dress and trying to get all my girlfriends to dance. They are all drunk and arguing sort of like they are all girls who sort of know each other but don,t get along/ maybe I am he only link between them. It seems to be a mix of high school and college. Jared charsewski is there and I sort of flirt with him. I am running around everywhere. My art might be hanging somewhere like it's the final art show or something. John hull comes up to me and says that I was one o ten that could do something, maybe hang my art, and then that there were only two peoe who could wot calmly through a review with both barbAra and peacock (I am not one of the two and for some reason I think Dana Theringer is one). More people show up and I feel drunker. I start Dancing with Tony white from the basketball team. He comes up behinds and leads me to the Dance floor. I am pretty into it. When we first start dancing I am doing moves and goin low, and I feel as if people are watching (Jared charsewski) and are impressed with my moves. Then I am dancing with Tony and he is no longer behind me. He goes out on a limb dancing and gets embarrassed .

The dream reminds me of a highschool college afterparty that I went to in another dream.