group home will ukulele john cremona

go somewhere where austin is living and it is like a group home and almost like my grandmother is living there, there is a long hallway that has a kitchen and a social area and all the rooms are connected to that

will shows up there and his girlfriend is there with him and i love his girlfriend and she is really sweet and nice and kooky and trying to do some kind of experiment in the bathroom, she seems very young like a little kid

and will is there and we are really getting along and i can tell he loves me and the girlfriend doesn't seem to mind but he is touching me through my clothes and im suprised the girlfriend seems so cool and doesn't mind and wonder if they are broken up and just friends now

but its clear if we were alone it would be different it would be more

its some kind of party at the group home


then im on the street with a ukulele with john cremona in new york and we go into this little wooden divey music bar (maybe its the bitter end) and a girl with a guitar sings a song

and i run out because i want to write the song down and try to do the same thing on ukulele but i just run to the other side of the bar not outside and when i come back john cremona is outside and said he cant take the vibe in there in not so many words

and i go back in and there is a short man with a mustache or a goattee asking for a cover charge now and i say i left my wine in there cuz i did (red wine) and he is grabbing me by the arm immediately and barely lets me in to get the wine so i see how the vibe changed and i go find my wine and a guy there is about to pick it up and i say 'thats my wine' and take it and he is very hurt by this and i apologize several times to him

then jonathan and laura garvey show up in the room and they are with this guy (and i vaguely realize the guy is supposed to be matt lawrence and maybe is hurt that i didnt recognize him ? and where did this come from?-- possibly from talking to his mom in waking life who works at the public library ?)

and then sitting in a circle on the floor with jonathan and laura garvey and matt lawrence and then laura garvey wants to teach me some traditional song on ukulele and my ukulele had only 2 strings and i pick it up and a string falls off so it has only one string

and i go outside to talk to john cremona 

new york church sarah lyle

in new york with i think sarah lyle walking through a mall where all the shops are closed like macys and all these big stores and theyve all closed down because no one shops at stores anymore

and its just a big empty mall like a ruin, that we used to know

walking through glass doors to outside and i am wearing these bright blue high heels that are so high and my ankles keep bending and rolling over like they're made of rubber or putty

and im looking at them still just trying to walk and notice the shoes are on the wrong feet

so i change them but they are still hard to walk in and im talking to sarah about how i dont know how all the ladies on ROBH do it everyday all the time

and i am thinking of lisa vanderpump

and i can feel v viscerally the blisters on my feet forming in the shoes as we are walking into a
church

to meet some people and we sit down at a table in the church and we are sitting with two kind of butch looking girls and i am thinking how everyone always eats out in new york

and how i dont want to live there because i want to stay home and save my money but the whole church table seating scenario is odd and droll and throwing off my dream reality

and one girl has bland blond curly hair parted down the middle no makeup earthy looking with a black t shirt with writing on it and then she mentions the mic that is happening tonight is her mic

and called something like willows and thinking she can put me on ---
somehow know that its a comedy mic

open studios

having open studios at my studio at western ave and my mom is there and uncle kenny is there and maybe more family

and i am running around and trying to get ready and set up my display

and mom and uncle kenny are there and they are getting in the way of things and putting me down, uncle kenny is saying oh well you know how jessies stuff is .... something negative

and i yell at them and tell them to go somewhere else and look at someone elses art

and uncle kenny looks guilty and they leave and go to another floor

then im in my studio and setting it up and have some cassette playing and someone wants to buy the cassette and im thinking how can i make a copy of any individual cassette anyone wants to buy

and it seems like steve kimock is there and loving the studio and the studio looks open and organized enough and experiential and you can move around in it, the vibe is good

and someone like bill dwyer but maybe not bill dwyer comes in and wants to buy 3 hats, and i am trying to take pictures of the hats before he takes them,

and they are very minimalist hats where i just wrote something on them-- one has a face upside down-- with a nose going over the top of the hat-- the other two say things on them i can almost remember , something about piss maybe

and i am quoting the hats at $25 -- thinking the total is $75 and worrying a bit about the charge but the guy loves the hats

(today in waking life jaws the girl tags me in a post on instagram wearing a hat i made which she bought at the sparrow when i played there last february)

12/26/2019 troy frog statue

                                                                     1.
i drive with my father to troy and take him and buy two beers somewhere and sit down at a picnic table in a small park in the middle of the city --- (its the same park i ended up at with the woman who i followed off the bus when i was on the bus in troy in another dream and james was there too and she was quoting bible verses to me )

my father is not drinking his beer and i am starting to get kind of anxious like i cant remember why i brought him all the way here

then i see the pond (where before in the other dream there was a huge real live frog sitting in the middle of it on a lilypad) i go over to the pond and see the frog but the frog is a statue and i can't believe that its a statue and before i thought it was a real frog

and i guess this is what i brought my father there to see

and i drink his beer and my beer

                                                                        2.
i go back to troy again this time alone and im on a street with a big median park in the middle and a street going the other way on the other side and everyone out on their stoops

and in the median park there is a black/hispanic guy with a boombox starting to perform his music

and again im almost not sure why im there but i meet some people on the stoops and talk to them

and then i go looking for artist studios or i meet someone who brings me there, somehow i end up with a crew of new people

there is a nerdy looking skinny blonde guy with freckles and glasses, we all go to an artist studio where we can see quiet looking asian people inside but the studio is closed

and we cant get in

it seems like travis is there then and driving the car and maybe we are leaving

the blonde guy with glasses becomes my boyfriend somehow and maybe i am moving to an artist studio in troy

eventually it seems like we get in

but then we are standing on the street and maybe travis there and maybe leaving--

and i am looking at a metal side rail to see a bird sticker i put there before or put a new one there now

(in waking life i tell my dad about the dream while driving to lynn city hall and he says there is a pond in troy somewhere near his fraternity house and he heard they are draining it, and then he tells me how a whale once swam up the hudson river there and i look up the whale but cant find out what happened to it)

IN MY brothers room in the dream and gilby is there going in and out of the bottom drawer and im trying not to close it and anytime i move it a little he comes running out

and there is a brown rabbit in the hallway and chloe and lightly there too and when i look in the hallway my dad going into the bathroom

and all the animals are getting along and dont need cages

and i am texting james but we are also in some vacation house on the water and i am looking at water and boats and guess im fishing and am going to text james this 

yesterday;

curt jarva downstairs with gilby about to put him in the trash and i have to stop him


last night;

at a party at new alliance and a bunch of guys are sitting on the floor drawing on the floor in crayon and they are drawing all robot heads and parts all connected in a big circle , one is a yellow robot head, and i come in and draw a more human girl head in green in crayon coming out from the circle and ethan is there and maybe drawing too and he is smiling and im saying oh no wait til nick sees this it wasnt me ! and we are kind of laughing

                                                                        I
with james leto in bed and making out and hes saying or im saying kissing is like a massage and just making out forever in my brothers room in bed (where im sleeping) and maybe having sex at some point and getting louder and im realizing were at my parents house...
                         
                                                                        II
go to this big auditorium with sid and sara silk is there and running some kind of program, its kind of like a pipe and drape job, setting up for something or taking things down, the room is mostly empty, and i am helping out and hoping we are gonna bond i guess but she is runniong around in charge of things and very cold to me and i dont know why... at some point there is a big piece of fabric on the ground and i pick it up and fold it and she tells me i did it wrong and this is the only thing she says to me... and sid notices and says something about it to me like she really doesnt like me and we are unwanted there... then whatever is going on is over and she walks behind a temporary wall and gabby 9what is her last name) from highschool (dark hair olive skin her dad was my soccer coach) is saying we are all celebrities and there are a bunch of girls i went to high school with there and they are all doing some kind of video / photo shoot together and sara silk is standing on a taqble or spomething at the top of the group that are all gathered around together in this box set, rose lombardo is there and im not sure who else and they are doing this video skit celebrating how they are all famous and i am just looking on and its like they dont even see me or acknowledge me... and me and sid walk away and i am thinking well maybe its just a video for soul cycle and then remembering sara silk didnt even go to high school with me and feeling v dejected

DREAMS FROM THE PAST WEEK

1. with someone who is like colleen shea at first and also like sinclair from tennessee and also like katie clancy by the end of the dream. with her and a guy who is like christian comeau and chris valverde. and we are all together and i guess they are in a relationship. i find myself attracted to the christian comeau / valverde. we are in one place and decide we are going to new york -- chris and katie leave somehow and i lam sitting in a chair that starts zooming through the air at the height of a plane --- it is very rocky and i am barely hanging on , it is very scary but i survive-- we end up in new york going to colleen sinclair katies mothers luxury apartment in new york city which is inside a big building that is like a grand hotel. we go to play basketball and the basketball court is a tiny circular platform with hoops on it and no guard rails and is maybe 100 feet in the air above the next floor. colleen is nervous about playing basketball on this platform. christian valverde kind of chides her is kind of mocking her or disgruntled and judging of this like shes a pussy or something. i say i am uncomfortable too.

we are walking out on the steps of the grand hotel luxury apartment and i ask her if the people know her here--

2. i am on a family vacation with artwerk666 with my dad and she is very grumpy and maybe we are sisters. she seems upset and is not talking and like maybe she hates me, we are in a car or on a bus at some point. my dad is there. i start to wonder if she is jealous over my dad or our parents, its like she wants to be with them and doesn't want me there but like maybe we are sisters

3. go to some crazy place a barroom some crazy event where i am supposed to play and bob dylan is there and i see him in  the crowd with a hat on leaning near a wood pillar close to the stage -- its a woozy kind of atmosphere -- i think he sees me play but i dont know

i go in the same place or maybe not and see myself in something like an orgy with people S-in my Ts

go into a bathroom and start to pee and its way more pee and pee pressure than is normal and the pee is coming back up and getting all over me

GO TO THIS RANDOM building that thre's a group art show at and I have apiece of art there and forgot we put the art up there over a year ago... ricky antonellis has something to do with the place but hes not threre and i cant find out about him.... dave tree supposed to be involved also but hes also not there....

dave tree ends up coming the next day and saying he forgot.... the building is almost like the south shore science center...

next to the building is a horse place with a riding ring like a track with metal fences seperating the track from the middle part and in the middle there are buffalos running around (at first we think they are gorillas)

they do some kind of theatrical show with the horses and people in costumes and the buffalos... i am talking to the woman who runs thinks... wanting to ride a horse

everybody is standing out by the side of the road for some reason


then i go to huntersbrook stables and walk into the pastures and lay on the back of one horse and am stroking another white horse

singing some kind of song

no one is around but wjen i get off and start walking up toward the house i see gina coming down from her house out to the barn

and she is excited and happy to see me and tells me how she used to write songs that way with the horses (and im thinking of how i didnt realize gina wrote songs and then i rationalize oh she has to write songs for the horse shows)

and theres all these children around and gina is saying to come here how shes doing so much fun stuff (and i want to ask about being an exercise rider and i want to ask where is dj) and shes sayin g how she was going to have wine with lunch but couldnt find a bottle open er...

and then she is tsalkin g to some children and a little boy with a brown unicorn figurine comes up to me and shows me the unicorn and we talk about whether it is a unicorn or not and i figure that it is and he tells me about 'my traveling horse adventures' which is some kind of series i guess

and gina is talking to other kids so i dont ask her my questions .

FROM THE PAST WEEK

SEE HOWARD STERN IN A ALMOST MINIVAN SIZE JEEP WITH A BIG BIRD HEAD IN IT AND DRUMS, AN OPEN BACK AREA AND I CAN SEE THROUGH THE WINDOWS ALL THIS COSTUME /PROP STUFF LIKE DISGUISES FOR HOWARD I GUESS AND HE IS SLUMPED DOWN IN THE PASSENGER SEAT AND BETH O IS DRIVING THE CAR AND I AM REMEMBERING KKK TELLING ME THIS IS HOW HE GETS AROUND OR THAT HE WEARS DISGUISES AND THIS IS IN CAMBRIDGE NEAR HARVARD SQUARE

THANKSGIVING HAPPENS AT OUR HOUSE AND KEITH IS THERE AND BRANDON IS A BABAY AND THERE ARE ALL THESE PUPPIES LIKE LITTLE GOLDEN RETRIEVER PUPPIES... THEN THANKSGIVING IS OVER AND MY ASIAN LADY THERAPIST IS LIVING IN THE HOUSE AND SHE HAS TWO CHILDREN THAT SEEM LIKE STRANGERS TO HER THAT SHE DOESNT QUITE KNOW HOW TO CARE FOR IT SEEMS AND I AM THERE KIND OF LIKE AN AU PAIR OR SOMETHING AND PUTTING THE KIDS TO BED AND THEN WATCHING A.L.T. ALONE AT THE KITCHEN TABLE LIKE SHES NOT QUITE SURE WHAT TO DO , THERE IS A SOUND IN THE KITCHEN AND SHE ASKS ME WHAT IT IS AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL WHICH HAS SOMEHOW BEEN LEFT RUNNING....

SEND UNDERWEAR (EMBARRASSING NOT SEXY) AND A PACKAGE WRAPPED IN NEWSPAPER TO UNBLEACHD SOMEHOW AND AM WATCHING HIM GET IT FROM AN OMNISCIENT NON PRESENT PERSPECTIVE AND HE TAKES THE UNDERWEAR AND PUTS IT ON OVER HIS JEANS AND THEN JUST STANDS THERE AND SMILES LIKE A WEIRDO

last weds 7/10/2019

1.

$300 dollars on wilco tickets and somebody and maddy weaver were supposed to go with me

and something happens to where we arent even in the same city as the wilco concert the night of the show

and i am pissed and cheap even in my dream

furious that i spent $300 on these tickets and we arent even going to make the show

and pissed at maddy, really upset with her

(***and i sleeep all day in this dream like its a real life event)

2.

walking into this place like a warehouse made into some kind of art event /gala

something supposed to be emf i guess and some kind of grand opening / event

all white walls/ white lights/ big open spaces

i am walking in and notice queen latifah is walking in also and i kind of walk up close behind her like to talk to her or kind of walk in together and she kind of sees me kind of snubs me , kind of walks faster to get in ahead of me, walk in alone

(****seems related / a dream shortly after my dream in nyc of john goodman hamming it up in the tent / where i left my phone charger in the wall and then did the same thing irl****)

walk into an outdoor cement area like the area outside the merrimack college gymnasium where we set up their graduation stage/lights...

rick st. denis is standing there and he has long flowing wavy dark hair, like a softer more flaxen howard stern hairdo...

i guess i know i am here to meet him but it feels like a suprise/ i am nervous / have trepidation about it

he takes me to some hotel room and tells me to get into the bed that i have to that he has to do something to me and i do it ( not against my will)

theres some kind of fantasy or thing hes saying as we have sex (almost like there is someone else there or involved)

and his penis is large, very big, and i never see it only feel it and somehow i know/feel that it is rounded off at the end, like it doesnt have the whole head part , like  a sawed off shotgun

(****the night before this irl i heard a live version of someone(?0 hav to look up) singing a song called you made me a woman i think about the first time a woman makes love and the lyrics came from her diary and shes talking on stage about it and i was thinking how bad my first time was and maybe this was some cosmic dream gift because the sex was good

right afterward rick gets up and leaves and goes somewhere and i want to keep having sex but when he comes back he wants to go the food court and i dont want to go to the food court and i am thinking about being direct and commanding the way he was with me vs. going to the food court where i fear he is going to get food and then pass out but this doesnt play through

living in or visiting some strange apartment in nyc with sid and curtis is there and there are two beds in a room and its a dark room and almost like a hotel.

leave the room like im leaving or i have to leave nyc and run into frankazoid and he takes me to some margarita bar mexican place that is very familiar like a place we all go and there is an older lady who works there and a younger girl with a high ponytail bun who works there like she is the waitress but there is a clear box where food and shots go out on the bar and whenever this happens the girl sticks her whole head in the clear box and almost licks everything-

they serve shots in shot glasses with an egg in the glass--- something happens

and frankazoid must be drunk and fights someone or throws something and the woman turns to me and says 'its your fault'

and i think i protest but i dont know what i say

but we start talking and things ease over somehow and she brings us to the back to show us the kale her daughter has grown in a back closet and the kale is small and growing like ivy

her daughter is the waitress who licks the food it turns out and now she is sitting behind the counter with an egg shot (clear liquid)

///

i am sitting behind the glass in some kind of store front and looking out and a group walks by and will is in the group and i start knocking on the glass to get his attention and he says jessie and he says the person i gave all my love to

///

my legs are numb and asleep all while im trying to walk and it wont go away


///

in a foreign country , somewhere like amsterdam, on a bus, like i took a ship , got there somehow, but running out of money and worried abut running out of pot vaporizer pen

and then somewhere and expected to perform and unloading somehow but i dont have a car, getting ready to perform at the venue, wondering when i will run out of money

why im not worried, what will i do, how i got there 

GO TO WORK at some event for pro event and chris canfield is there and he has long hair and hes kind of bigger but still v attractive and i came there with someone else and im not actually doing any work

my body feels heavy and hard to move throughout

we're in a dark upstairs room at some place and the event is like a show or wrestling or something  v low rent speakeasy type thing and no stagehands are actually needed for anything

there is a long booth connected to the wall on one side and we are over there and i touch chris leg and he kind of touches me v casual v wordless

but someone else is there maybe anthony and i overhear him saying chris and his gf broke up

i tell my friend he lives in upton and chris looks over at me then and says something (even tho in real life he doesnt live in upton...lars does... he lives in haverhill)

i get his phone number and we text

                                                                         ***\

then i am at the merritts and i guess harry lives in a trailer in the back yard, we are at the merritts house in norwell , sephie is there and parker is still very little

but he has a bald spot right on the back of his head, big poofy hair but a hole in the middle where i can see his scalp which is very red, he is brushing something when i notice

they are talking about smoking pot as i am leaving but its in harrys trailer and a metal pipe made out of real pipes and i am leaving

                                                                      ***

i am trying to meet up with chris somehow but there is so much going on and my body is so hard to work with

start traveling to this mcdonalds where when we get there you go inside and get to where the mcdonalds is and then you have to free fall down a stair case with no stairs to get to the mcdonalds and its scary and your whole body feels like jello, it doesnt hurt exactly, but is almost worse than hurting

helen and kate are working at the mcdonalds and talking about how it feels to be hired finally like they were working there freelance
                                     
                                                                         ***
im\at my parents house and erik is there and im starting to get sick and i know i am going to get really sick its a throat thing and its bad cuz i cant get erik sick

several days ago

                                                                                I
i am in a car with ellen degenerous driving around and i am kind of being a ham with her and am at some point reflective of the fact i am so comfortable with her and cracking her up also... it seems odd but feels very comfortable... we are driving and we go by a house with a driveway and there are these huge mop haired monster people ogre things (like the monsters in where the wild things are except huge) walking up the driveway and we just kind of laugh at it and it not scary but its v weird obviously not people in costumes... she takes me to some kind of studio... and i can tell ellen likes hanging out with me i guess because i dont treat her like a celebrity and goof around... but there is food everywhere like little crumpets and i really want to eat all the food and im going to ask but then i realize of course all this food is laid out for ellen and free and i can eat it but then im too embarassed to ask about the food and too scared to eat it so i cant eat the food even though i want to ...

and i kind of get hung up on this

                                                                           II

go into nick z and jessicas house, its the top floor on a stand alone little grey house with long narrow hallways i go up wood stairs in the back and come in off a small porch and its dark but like its not night and kind of warm and seems like no one is there but then i see nick and jessica both come in and they are nice and i wonder why im in there house 

some online person named furby or something someone i dont know puts 830 dollars in my venmo account

IM in highschool and i've missed some kind of english class for like over a year and just remembered i have it and it switches around... laura garvey is on her way to the class and says its ok its a substitute and it has been for a while and i should come..

so i go to the class and the teacher is susan the receptionist from  riverside community care in cambridge and she is the original teacher not a substitute and when she sees me come in she says thank you for finally being here

you left me for weeks with no north pole and the south pole of chris canfield has been attacking the syllabus...( something to this affect something about poles) and i am remebering more about the situation as she says this

and chris canfield walks in down a long ramp with a descending wall on the side of it that faces the rest of the class room (and this is the entrance) and chris sees me and pushes into me as he goes by and he looks good

and i remember somehow for some reason in the classes i was gone chris started bringing something up and was saying the word nigger loudly in his argument and when he comes in he says something to susan

and we both leave the class

but in between somehow i see him with his girlfriend who is a chubby short blonde chick i havent seen before, and she is talking low to him and kissing the side of his face and he looks like its his mother doing it

we meet again in some kind of long closet eves place which i guess is my shared kind of attic studio with some other people and chris comes in after me and i try to jump him basically and he says he has a girlfriend and i know it but hes not in to her and we end up having sex kind of or are going to but he has a really small penis (i dont think its that small irl but idk!)

as we are getting clothed shuggy and maria martin walk in and they are kind of in an  argument but this is when i remember i'm in our shared studio space... its something shuggy did

we leave as they come in 

DAY BEFORE TODAY

JIM GAFFIGAN IS A BIG FAN /PARTICIPATING IN UNBLEACHD THRU THE DISCORD /EVERYWHERE AND I JUST REALIZED IT WAS JIM GAFFIGAN I THINK SOME KIND OF FAMOUS ISH COMEDIAN MAYBE THAT OTHER GUY THO AND I THOT IT WAS SOME KID AND THEN TURNS OUT TO BE HIM

*MICHAEL RAPPAPORE RAPPATORE WHATS HIS NAMEE

go over to matt stearns house for some kind of family party , his mom comes in, she looks young, has a lot of glossy straight long brown hair, 80s cut, sunglasses pushed over bangs

in matts room i guess and our legs end up touching , we are kinda nervous around each other, performative but then at times end up close together when im not paying attention

we make juices in little tupperware containers

someone named ed we know from emf, stoic guy with glasses, asks jarva land to play a show so we go out to this barn like a big indoor riding arena and i feel like ive been there before and salty greyhound are there and theyve been there before like maybe its in littleton

at the barn show something happens like ive gotten drunk but im having trouble stan ding and walking like my feet are just falling apart, bending at the ankle and stopping working

im wearing platform heels and take them off but my feet still stop working, bending at the ankles

at some point me and matt start making out and almost have sex but dont (because i remember

i am looking around the barn for my tupperware juices and getting my stuff together, i guess everyone there knows me

END up in a pow wow circle with some girl with glasses and my mom and others- girl in glasses is talking about comics and asking me if i ever made any and i show her some drawings/ comics i have and she says ya but they're not consecutive, she says have you ever finished any story line arc ?

and for some reason i get really pissed kind of start talking loud, kind of going off on this girl and trying to think what other comics i've done and then i remember the trash can and fire hydrant comics i did in watertown and i bring that up but i dont have them on me.. and she says something, like she doesnt get that its a comic about a trash can and a fire hydrant on the sidewalk and they never move and the comic always takes place in the same spot

its an existential comic and she doesn't get it or something and i kind of go off on her and i dont recognize her or know who she is

spending time with beth nelson and having a great time, only tinges of some kind of sadness, that make us remember /talk about when she was depressed or wasn't herself when we weren't talking or hanging out, but she is bubbly and excited and fully herself and it seems like a long time ago that we ever weren't friends, we are walking around on a path almost like we're walking through a forest but could be more like we were walking through boston at night and there was no one around.


****two nights ago***
long time with sara silk being v cool to me but we are hanging out, big emptyish marble buildings, something with hamsters seemingly being dead and looking like the stretch armstrong banana all stretched out and then kind of snapping back together and coming back to life

matt stearns talking to me through a line... asking me to go to the beach,,, to go to copley square and go to the beach there (somehow) and then im saying no and yelling at him and hes saying we could just walk on the beach somewhere else where its raining and i am saying no and yelling but coriander is there somehow and we are listening to it like its on a radio show...

its thanksgiving and brandon and christopher and wendy are there and all the animals (edna chloe lightly gilbie) and i guess i make a cage for gilbie outside in the old rabbit cages and then days pass and it rains, some time goes by and we dont know where gilbie is and i go outside and the rabbit cage cage i made for him is filled with mud and all wet and there are people out there i dont know doing something else too and gilbie is all wet with mud in the corner of the enclosure

and i pull him out and have a dread hes going to be dead but his eyes are big and blue and hes still alive and hes ok and i bring him inside and he dries off right away and starts running around and i notice him and the cats are the same size (more hamster size than cat size) and chloe is running after them and they are all playing in erik's room

nightmare

after cuneos party at western avenue studios ---

nightmare that i live in the attic at my parents house and am feeling bored

waking up with an existential crisis that i could possibly be bored

go to a museum with aunt kathy jenny kashuck lindsay bohan -- we are going in the morning only its afternoon but i am tired and want coffee really badly but we have to go to the empty museum---

aunt kathy has something / shows me something -- made of wood ?

and there is no coffee and its late enough that we go to some social in some restauranty type part of the museum and have drinks

run into jacki maynard and know that she just had a child recently and start walking down the stairs with her and am saying how amazing it was she got pregnant and had this baby and looks great

and she says 'i was really hoping you were going to have a babay and i waited 6 years for you to have it' and she says it like we all had six years to have a baby and the time is over ---

and it really strikes me and i turn to her and say 'im going to have a baby'

(and i wake up and am somehow relieved to remember that jacki maynard doesnt even have a baby and my 6 years arent up)


*a few nights ago john cremona showed up and i was so happy to see him but i dont remember where and what happened*

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I GO TO will's house with tyrone, like we are on tour or something... and there is one big room with multiple big beds but i feel like will is sleeping near the floor somewhere, i have one big bed and tyrone has one big bed...

its morning and wills girlfriend is there and she is asian and quiet , going around the apartment and i guess i am there somehow to go see will perform and she is saying will will stay at her apartment tonight but then no because he has his textile weaving class in the morning and i see he has a bunch of thick quilted rugs he must be working on

i see the venue for some recital, a repressed (maybe not the right word) stage and seating area i am seeing from above looking over a balcony, empty

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IM AT some kind of boarding house that reminds me of my grandmother's house in south boston, but maybe run by someone like asian lady therapy, cant quite place who is running it, looks like an older thin woman with short grey hair, she reminds us that she usually only boards people who are seeing her for physical therapy so that we should say that we are renting a room so no one thinks/knows we are guests there...alvan has just left and she is standing in a door way filled with pop art... actually i think she is michelle williams (who i saw on the busy phillips show last night)

 and im talking to her and then someone dressed in beautiful layers of clothes like tapestries with a scarf over her face and followed by a man dressed similarly with a scarf over his face comes down the hallway and i feel like i know this person intimately and reach out and touch them and its Lisa Vanderpump and Ken and she says hello like she knows me and i tell her she looks so beautiful because she does.

IN SOME kind of empty luxury apartment... waiting under unclear circumstances... waiting for go lightly for something, or for the animals to come...

lisa rinna's daughter delilah is there or whoever it is looks just like her

there is a palm tree in a big planter

my mom is there and she is leaving 

dream idea for a horror comedy

Michelle Bain and this small child and someone like Billy Arria but wearing a black suit are living in the Actons yard next door, only they aren't quite real people, they are more like holograms, like there is something off about them

(i have fallen asleep to scientology and the aftermath playing on my computer)

*almost like if billy arria led a cult of hologram people from my highschool in a way**
except these are the only people we ever see

i am trying to stay away from the hologram people and not interact with them because i can tell they are not real people and there is something off about them

but i can see them through the trees

i can see them moving very fast and through each other in the yard like holograms, i see them doing a slow kind of dance where they move their arms and their arms pass through one another, i see one arm getting long and out of proportion and passing through another ones side of the face

the little girl tries to interact and come over

somehow i end up over in the actons yard with just michelle bain and the little girl and we are sitting in the grass in the front yard and i see billy arria in a car drive down the driveway and pull out- i am trying to make sure he does not see me there and it seems like he doesn't

then somehow i get michelle bain to turn into a real person or something by coming over into my yard through the trees, not sure how but there is a feeling like she has turned more real when i separate her from hologram billy arria and the little girl child--

the little girl child keeps coming over and trying to interact with us and i try not to interact and to get michelle not to interact--

there is something on the ground that has a crude etched image of two dogs on it- something like a black purse- and it reminds me how this has been some kind of secret theme - and i remember that michelle bain had two small dogs- when we were younger- and maybe they died or something

michelle takes a pin , some kind of long needle off the purse or off the ground and sticks it directly into her tongue--- some kind of sign of something

(at some point still in the dream i think this is a good idea for a horror comedy and imagine whitney cummings starring)

II

i start walking down south street sometime after this- am i with the little girl at first? am i trying to escape the house and the yards?

i end up with a hamster and the hamster is white with light light brown spots and i think it is gilby but am somewhere remembering it cant be gilbie with this coloring...

i go into the cooks house and no one is home but there is a hamster cage and a dog and i put the hamster in the cage and fall asleep on a bed that is right there for a minute

then the cooks come home and there is another couple that has come to the house also per my request to get the hamster or the dog and mr. cook is very mean to this couple and an older girl who is supposed to be the cooks daughter i guess comes up to kathy cook and says i just want you to remember you had a beautiful friendship with this woman...

and dan cook is saying to the couple something about the lamp or the umbrella

and i am saying its all my fault because i called them over to get the hamster or the dog but its too late for the fighting and they leave with the dog, the woman wears glasses

for some reason no one is upset with me or about the dog leaving and when the door closes fat baby ryan is still a baby but very articulate speaking and there is a blues sounding guitar coming from somewhere-

dan cook sings some blues lyrics and then says check out this guy-- and there is another baby in one of those circular wheeling high chairs and the baby is holding and playing an electric guitar expertly, dan sings a few lyrics every now and then

there is also another older man i dont recognize who looks a little sweaty and bloated and i think he is drunk

i was going to leave but they seem to want me to stay, i am confused about the interaction and about how i ended up here and why i came here, and wondering if the couple that came over and took the hamster and the dog are hologram people as well

i cant remember why i did what i did or understand why its not my fault

the whole time i am at the cooks trying to speak and explain whats happened and why my jaw is so clenched i can barely speak, a very visceral feeling that seems very real--

my words barely come out and my jaw is in pain it is so clenched and i cant move it- i am filled with fear and talking to dan cook in the front hall i also have a hard time standing straight up

I

living in this house and somehow osman ozzy comes there out of nowhere and i'm remembering that his parents live in the house with us in the hall across from my room but then i remember that they actually moved,

he is there and im feeling his head trying to remember if hes balding or not but hes not (think im confusing him for a minute with north end ricky)

we have sex and go out together and i find him again but hes also not there forever and going back to turkey

i am with him at some point in a basement type room at his uncles house?

II

at some place that seems like a big gym at a school but is supposed to be the out of the blue and there are scattered few paintings up on the wall and not the best feeling like no ones into my paintings and the ones i have there are not the best but throws me back

to a 'memory' of being there when mike greenstein came in and only wanted to buy my paintings--

III.

outside kathryn tajimas car with her mother and sister and my mother and they are talking about how their step father was such a creep and would try to lick their faces and now they are talking about it and exposing him and i tell kathryn tajima 'im sorry but i didnt know !' and she says but i did know i knew that her stepfather chased her out of the house and i am wondering about my diaries and if its in there cuz i dont remember

IV

go to some country music show in a wooded type mall type theater showcase where everything is connected and wooden... with megan kelly  and irish dave and dave tree are there also and i dont realize its the country music awards that are happening but tickets are 100 dollars, im on the phon e with will and hes having some kind of event somewhere and im trying to stay on the phone with him but its hard to hear and when the phone dies its the old nokia brick phone and im trying to leave the country music award thing to go meet will, i use the bathroom there and i think - who else is there, ron from pro event ? some other guy i think is holding the door - but then an older black man with a doo rag comes in when im done but before i leave the stall... and a band is up front in this bar part starting to play and the guy sounds like dave tree and i tell dave tree that cuz hes right next to me and the guy is saying the song titles to his songs and one is 'picasso' and they all sound familiar-- dace tree says theyre gonna play at his place soon

several nights ago

someplace like new orleans--

i go to a liquor store and buy high heeled shoes full of liquor

december 2018

I

chloe in the backyard with mud up to her elbows

II

my family members, some of them, men, my father, gathered around a counter in the kitchen eating meat, and i come and eat some of it with them, and come to realize its pig meat...

and take the bones to make broth