Thursday, August 6, 2020

on vacation somewhere with my mom erin and leslie, somewhere like capri or italy-- light ocean tropical beaches-- and we keep going to the same restaurants like we're running out of restaurants to go to -- and we're going somewhere on the last night and we accidentally go to the same restaurant again and leslie and my mom say how i hug erin more than them and how uncle andy said the same thing and i say i realize that and i mean to hug them all more and want to get us all in a pile like the old days --

                                                            yesterday;

will somewhere, maybe somewhere cav is , looking for will maybe, at my parents house, petting chloe, upstairs and my mom is saying i need to get a dog, she knows about gilbie but i can see gilbie like he is there and fine right in front of me

                                                           day before;

 go to an arcade movie theater by myself and the movie starts and then the movie stops all of a sudden and a grey screen comes up and music starts playing like an intermission and there is a hungry hippos game in front of me and i start thinking i have time to play it during the intermission and first i try to put a euro in the machine and then i find a gold arcade coin and put it in and start playing and a dad in seats nearby kindof yells at me but i explain myself and we're ok, then i leave the theater and get lost and i have to go back up  a glass elevator to get back to the theater and then the movie is over and i missed it and everyone is leaving and i walk out of the theater in the crowd crying

                                                            day before;

austin rutledge comes over to my parents house and is upset about a movie, something, he leaves and im in my brothers room



Tuesday, June 9, 2020

going around knowing will is in town... knowing hes at some school somewhere... first i am working or something... and im drunk and i know hes there at this place but i dont want to go late at night when im drunk but maybe im also trying to find it... feels like im walking around a grocery store...

being somewhere else and it starts to feel stupid because i know will is near by so i go to the building

when i go to the building i go up stairs and theres a big group of people in a classroom sitting down at desks and will is in the classroom and i guess they are all taking some kind of test...

and i go in and walk around and people know me and will sees me

and somehow in the background they are playing my music and whatever song it is is almost acapella and kind of strangely paced and i am wondering if it is musical enough , feeling slightly

self conscious

i go in the room and walk around but i dont sit down and take the test, i think i just see will and leave

and then i am downstairs in the building by a back door and looking through a window and i see will and his gf julia and she is wearing a red shirt that says radisson inn or something, some kind of inside joke t shirt that means shes staying there at a hotel ? or they are staying together maybe

and will is taking pictures of her on a phone and shes smiling  

Monday, June 8, 2020

cav kids

yesterday;

go to CAV's fathers house, into a dark dark kitchen... and then his son is there ... and there is a cage on the table and its the sons cage and the son has a dirty diaper


last night;

go to a bright big semi- open house with CAV , guess its his ex wifes house, there is a woman kind of smiling staring at me, we are in the kitchen, shes at the end of the counter--

little girl madeline os sitting there and someone gives me string cheese ina packet and its like a block of cheese - orange and white - and the little girl madeline tells me how she feels about the cheese and how she eats it and i am eating the cheese

the young woman or some0one else is now right next to me to the left only she is a much older woman and i am wondering if this is CAV's ex-wife...

we go into a tv room and sit down on the floor and then a young woman comes into the room with a round face and brown hair and she is smiling and she starts talking to us about the kids, 

Friday, May 15, 2020

few days ago - flea market - mom friends - waiting - crying

random dream fragments from the past few weeks;

growing another toenail under my big toenail


few days ago;

at some kind of big flea market with lots of outdoor vendoors almost like a festival and im there with my mother and maybe chris is there somewhere and some other people or friends are there with us too but im there with my mom and standing there waiting for chris or whoever isnt there who is wandering around --- and i dont want to go anywhere for some reason, i just want to wait---

and then all the outdoor booths are closing and its something like the marshfield fair and suddenly i want to go around and look at everything i missed--- and i can feel all the booths closing down all around me and i can see them somehow--- and i start crying and getting hysterical , feeling like i missed it all --- and getting upset at my mother like its her fault 

Saturday, May 9, 2020

antonia villa art gallery cafe mind video

at some kind of open art gallery cafe -- all white interior // open space // something like new alliance or a familiar familial art space--- a bar to the left of me-- almost like in fact it really IS channel cafe, the setup of the room and even the door that leads to stairs

there with someone - chris ? - talking, not many people there --- and i see antonia villa coming up  from the stairs through a door carrying a box in her arms

i realize she is moving out of her studio which must be through the door down the stairs--- still aware that its a suprise to see her and shes moved away and how is she here?

i call out to her and try to talk to her and she ignores me -- keeps moving out -- i go up to her and not even sure she talks to me then--

then i see her sitting in a chair on video like shes talking to the camera -- and i know im seeing her talking but that shes not talking to me somehow-- like some kind of mind video ---

and she is saying she loves me but something like she hates me or doesnt want to know me now because she wanted to be with me and doesnt want to be just friends

and there is something like a small chichuaha in her lap 

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

chris lauren michelle bOat

with chris laurena and michelle and there is tension and chris is not like himself normally or he is critical and michelle is yelling and lauren is kind of swaying in and out

and we are all on a boat im in one corner with michelle across from me and lauren is next to me and chris is to the left of michelle and michelle is saying things

and it is like the boat is dropping stories like the tower of terror, like levels of something are being broken through and the feeling of being nearly thrown out of the boat at all times

but it stops and somewhere we get off the boat and we are somewhere else maybe like italy

and lauren keeps touching me and then she is touching my face and i need to get away

Thursday, March 26, 2020

chris car money

out to dinner somewhere with people and chris its some kind of venue like a casino and the waiter is saying you can test drive this car for $1,000 and chris gets a look in his eye

and wants to the car

i try to mind my own business and look at the table


(( last night before chris falls asleep he is sleep talking... saying there is a lot of people there...(i ax him where...) ... chris's parking lot ))

Monday, March 2, 2020

dreams from last week johhny two legs lil bleachy

1.

go do a show somewhere on tour like philadelphia but not sure and ive got art everywhere and people are trying to buy it

and not sure i want to sell it or something

and then johnny two legs is there like i asked him to come meet me there

it is after the show and the show is ending , maybe im unprepared, moving art around

johnny two legs takes me to a room full of trap doors and little enclosures underneath the floor and he is showing it to me almost like a segment on 60 minutes

talking about how all these art scene people used to live here in these little rooms and now its been shut down and no one lives there anymore

and then it seems more like new orleans


2.

saturday night --

lil bleachy and trying to get back to lil bleachy but being pulled away by everything else but i guess going to fux lil bleachy

in some kind of social situation

hug for a moment a tiny little body

AT MARIAS HOUSE

AT MARIAS HOUSE, get into town and maybe im on tour but i dont know, im tired and ragged,

go to marias house and its kinda like ricks and patricks old place past the crosstown but smaller, like one room like a studio, full of stuff,

and im there with just maria and then i remember about her other house that she lives in and henry

and then i realize she just kept this house like this is her little house but she is still living in the other house with henry and she and henry are getting married on march 30th

and i pretend like i know because how could i not know and she must have told me

and we are going somewhere to meet people or i go down a street and see people through a window- casey heath, maybe pecan

and back to the house and then henry is there and im wondering how i didnt know they were getting married and i kind of flash imagine maria getting mad one night and then henry

proposing

Friday, February 21, 2020

ADAM SANDLER STAGEHAND GIG CAMPING VENUE

DOING SOME KIND OF STAGEHANDY GIG, AT SOME KIND OF BIG SHOT CELELBRITY EVENT OR SHOW BUT ALSO FEEL LIKE IM WORKING IT OR PART

OF PUTTING IT TOGETHER, ONE PERSON THERE IS THIS KINDA OLDER GUY WITH A

HORSESHOE SHAPED MALE BALDING PATTERN AND LONG DARK BROWN HAIR

HE IS KINDA STANDING OUTSIDE BEHIND THE BACK STAGE DOOR WHICH IS OPEN

AND THEN SOMEHOW I KNOW HE IS ADAM SANDLER AND HE IS JUST NOW RETIRING FROM PLAYING MUSIC

(IN WAKING REALITY WHEN I WAS LEAVING NEW YORK I SAW A BILLBOARD FOR ADAM SANDLER PLAYING GUITAR AT MOHEGAN SUN AND ALSO FOUND OUT YESTERDAY THAT JOE FROM THE JOE SHOW LIED TO ME ABOUT BEING AN EXTRA IN THE HUBIE HALLOWEEN ADAM SANDLER MOVIE WHICH MAKES SENSE BECAUSE HE SAID HE JUST WALKED AROUND AS HIMSELF  AND THEY [PAID HIM 5O BUX AND HE NEVER SAW ADAM SANDLER. WHEN HE TOLD ME HE LIED ABOUT THIS HE DIDNT SAY HE LIED HE SAID HE JUST AGREES SOMETIMES BUT I ASKED HIM ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND HE ANSWERED ALL OF THEM WITH MADE UP DETAILS SO I TOLD HIM THAT IS CALLED LYING)

I GO AND TALK TO ADAM SANDLER AND I GUESS THIS IS SOME KIND OF WEEKEND FESTIVAL TYPE THING-- HE REMINDS ME KIND OF OF STEVE KIMOCK---

BECAUSE I GO OVER WITH HIM TO HIS CABIN AND TALK OUTSIDE THE CABIN AND MAYBE GO IN THE CABIN

I GUESS I FELT A LITTLE SORRY FOR HIM AND THEN DIDNT WANT HIM TO QUIT MUSIC AND THEN WE BECAME FRIENDS 

Thursday, February 20, 2020

dreams from the last month -- real housewives new york city tinsley

i am crying because i am a cast member of the real housewives of new york and we were all sponsored through college but tinsley didn't go to any of her classes and failed out of the program --

im seeing all of tinsleys failures at academia flash before my eyes before i start crying for her and then i wake up


chris communal house keys ghosts mother art highschool

at some house where there is some kind of collective going on....

this girls mother died and there is some kind of mansion across the street and they want to make this into some kind of art house

and i am there helping, there with chris valverde

and he is into me i guess and i am relenting i guess,

the girl whose mother died comes up to me and puts about 20 keys into my back pocket

we are out in the backyard

they are small silver identical keys like they all do the same thing

im not sure why shes giving me so many keys but she is saying thank you like i have helped and she is glad im there

and i think mel is there and other people are there

there is a big long dining room, there is a kitchen, the place shifts

chris valverde is picking me up and throwing me over his head, the first time he does this i lean my weight back away from his back after im over his head and he has to sit down on the ground

he makes a joke

he keeps picking me up though and he is very tall and i am v small compared to him

he picks me up and holds me to the side by his shoulders like im a child and i hold on and start to think its nice

we go in to some type of shopping center at some point

then we are right out in the street and kelsey barton shows up with a backpack and a new boyfriend she wants me to meet before he has to leave and they want lobsters and we are in an old familiar

part of the city, boston i guess, then and we start down the street where there is some lobster place a block away and kelsey uses her backpack to slide down a banister

to get there

and before or after i shift back to the communal / art house

and chris valverde has been carrying me around and then he lets me down and i kind of rest my head on his head for a minute and then someone is right next to us and it is his mother

somewhere gilbie is getting into a microwaved meal and im afraid he was microwaved but he wasnt

i am walking through my highschool thinking how some people must never go back to high school but im at my high school all the time for some reason, maybe this is somehow part of the

new art school

in a car with what looks like tori from new alliance and another big featured girl and they are talking about doing a photoshoot for the art house dressed as angels and theyre gonna do it both of them

but they dont incliude me (but i dont include myself !) 

Tuesday, January 14, 2020

turkey, family vacation tb hospital art establishment paige

                                                                        I

go on a family vacation to turkey, like i am bringing my family there kinda (and i wonder when im there how i got there without a new passport and dont remember the flight)

we stay at a hotel i stayed at before in the same room i stayed in, and my memory is that i traveled here as some part of educational trip, like i came here like i came to france,

and i am thinking about ozzy ozman and how i havent told him im here and why havent i

and the hotel is a grand large hotel and its all familiar to me and i remember all the people that work there but they dont quite remember me,

and there is a dunkin donuts in the lobby oddly, there are dunkin donuts everywhere

and when you go outside its a cobblestone street and a body of water in a curved plateau around it and you go to the right --- i take my brother and my father out with me when i go out and see it

first through the hotel where a familiar man (there is one man who seems to be everywhere in the hotel always , a main man, who i remember and who is affable and helpful and quirky)

i bring them by the pool where he is mopping around the pool and my father almost falls into the pool, is unsteady sometimes on his feet, with his balance

we go outside to this cobblestone area i remember so well and i am thinking the fish ball cart will be there and it is-- now i remember, we go out because i am so hungry and looking for falafel and

the main hotel guy had said they only had dunkin donuts falafel there at the hotel which is basically fake falafel cardboard and i am remembering this delicious falafel with baba ganoush i had had

(and my brother had a sandwich that looked like falafel but it was made of chicken)

so we go out and the fish ball cart is there and then we go to the right where there is a little market enclosure leading in from the outside and then if you go to the right inside of that there is more

little kiosks and venders, USUALLy, but this time, because it is late i suppose, there is practically nothing in the second room and it doesnt lead any further--

its a closed room and then it looks like there are geisha looking women playing harps but these are actually some kind of statues that operate like windchimes --- they are moving and making

soft harp like sounds and look like women but they are not, they are made of something like porcelain, like those perpetual motion things with the metal ball--

in the closed market there is a free sample tray of baklava which my father eats one of

we go back to the hotel and through some kind of dunkin donuts like coffee shop where a band is playing-- or is this happening on a tv ? there are tvs in the hotel that show the insides of dunkin donuts

like coffee shops-- like surveillance cams-- the band is also playing in one of these

                                                                                II.

im with paige and we are in halifax walking down the street and i am going to show her the tb hospital-- it doesnt look like halifax its like a town center with cobblestone streets and

some kind of big show going on that night -- we are walking toward a dirt road that leads to the tb hospital and this guy who is somehow reminiscent of john hopper but with a bulbous bumpy face

stops us and tells us about the tb hospital and i dont tell him what i already know, but he is nice
and then a car stops and a man who looks just like him but older and taller gets out and he says

this is his father coming to pick him up , and his father is nice and for some reason we ride into the town center with them and his father leaves and then he walks us halfway back to where we were

going-- there is a big glass room where black and white videos of old movie stars with their hair being pulled back from their head, wide eyed and other flashing clips are playing

and the guy tells us this is some famous artist and in the room there are two guys sitting there and one is v young too young to be the artist and the other is old enough i guess and looks like hunter s thompson

we are on cobbled stairs coming up from under a bridge of some sort-- i am worried about it getting dark and getting to the tb hospital where i have spray painted a mural on the back and plan to do

more-- paige is maybe flirting with the guy--- and i think somehow i leave on my own and go down the dirt road to the tb hospital--

and when i get there its a big warehouse room all cleaned out and full of stuff i left there, like art supplies and all this wood, all these wooden figures

and for a moment but not for the whole time it seems like my brother is there and i am showing him this

and then  i start painting on the walls

and then a whole group of young people come in and start immediately putting wooden sculptures on these long tables and working on them, they paint them, one is a painted fish made of wood

that stands on a wooden stand with a ball at the top and a round hole in the bottom of the fish so then the person moves the fish with a string and it looks like some kind of puppet and i want to make one

i know i have been here before but it seems like a long time since ive been

the young people see me but dont say anything and talk amongst each other and go about their work, one girl seems like the lead girl and i recognize her and like her--

i stop what im doing and feel a bit awkward because i thought this was my secret abandoned place--

but they seem fine with me, they start talking about the space and how tracy chapman said 'oh they just use a porter' and i ask them very softly what is a porter-- it seems this has become some kind of art school known as porter or a porter

and the main girl explains to me a porter is like an outdoor space, like an indoor outdoor space or enclosure, like maybe they dont have heat i guess

and she is offering me things like food and clothes and i wonder if she thinks im homeless or remembers me--

and then they put everything away very quickly and then they take all these clothes and  spread them out all over these tables and then put them away very quickly again -- and this is something like a

flash exchange or something-- and i like their energy and their community--- and then they all go outside on the steps and its a bright sunny day and looks like a college campus

last week living room erik stabbing

in the living room in norwell with my parents and my brother erik and i am on the couch and my mom is over by the fireplace

and she says something to me , judgemental , mean, something that really gets to me and makes me angry and very emotionally upset

and erik is on the couch just laying there next to me maybe sleeping and i am upset but also realizing this is a dreAM

and so i start stabbing him because i know its a dream and there is red blood and even then i dont stab him too much because i know its a dream but i dont want to kill him

and then he is getting up and putting clothes on and staggering around like he is just getting ready to get his flight back to japan, very non emotional

and my parents are freaking out and im suddenly realizing its not a dream and i really stabbed him and im the bath room sobbing and freaking out and cant believe what i have done

and i wake up and realize it was a dream