I am with Rob and then with John Cremona and Glinda. Pierce is there too. It is something like a fair. We are buying pot and then smoking pot. John smokes pot with Rob but Glinda doesn't. We are all going somewhere or doing something. It seems like a delicate situation but innocent. At some point we are in a car and then later in a room.

I go somewhere to see Will and his parents are there.They act like they don't know me. I go into a basement setting. It is like highschool. Lindsay is there. I finally get a glass of wine and come over to this group of women Lindsay is in and its like they were all talking about me. Some woman who is not exactly Lindsay's mother says I'm fat in someway.

I get water all over Todd's book Kitchen Confidential and know I'll have to replace it and feel ok about it.

I am looking at my car through a window and someone is bringing a box out of it. I go outside and ask them what they're doing and they tell me they have to inspect a possible bomb threat. I know I'm not building a bomb. At the same time the parking meter man has already written me a ticket and he is laughing about it. He says "Some are done but others are doner!"

Right before I get up a woman is taking a guitar case or something out ofmy car and she goes back and hits whatever is in the back of my car as if I had done the same thing to her guitar case.

I end up moving into some kind of highschool with Rob. The walls of the school are orange I think. Its some kind of highschool where it doesn't cost much but you all live there like a boarding school. There is a grocery store. I take my parents to the grocery store and we buy the last almond butter and I point out to my dad how they sell almond milk in big glass jars and one looks like its full of squid or something pink and fleshy. In the backyard of the school there is a rope swing and a pool that is deeper and larger than it looks at first but its not warm enough to go swimming. The rope swing is located up the side of a tree after you climb steps nailed onto the side of the tree and there is a tree fort at the top of the tree where the rope is. In the distance from this position at the mouth of the tree fort,higher up in another tree in front of me is another tree fort. I don't go in either one and both look like they might collapse and have been there for a long time, grey wood.The guy who gave us the "apartment" is outside and he tells me I can't take the rope swing, but in a nice way. I tried to take it when someone else was using it without realizing they were using it. For some reason I think I'm using it to get high? Or every other time I went outside no one was there but this time everyone is outside. Mirella shows up in our room like I think maybe she used to live there and goes to sleep at the foot of my bed. There is a cafeteria and the cafeteria looks out on grounds that make it almost seem like a mental ward.

Before I wake up everyone is in a room together like we have been called together and there is some sort of rumor going around. I see a girl with dark hair, almost indian-looking who I'd seen earlier mouth the word ecstacy at someone and then she says "that doesn't sound bad, that sounds good."

Rob is nothing like Rob and doesn't talk to me. I think he wears glasses and looks like Rick St.Denis.

In the end I am in Charleston with Maria who is graduating  and she says something about how the funny thing is about going to graduation... and I point out that she didn't go to my graduation ceremony. Charleston is curvy and circular and more like a small New Orleans or Paris, like it has been in other dreams. Maria gets a small white dog for graduation I guess and it remains with us. She is trying to make a point about what I need as an artist or a writer,or where or how I've gone astray. We walk out through marshlands. It seems like there are other people with us. We pick up some things along the way. There are multiple frogs & the sensation of swimming and a couple of figures swimming too at one point where the water body is larger and more like a lake. Mostly it is like a creek or small river. We end up at a kind of shed at the end of the Marshland's and in it are all kinds of papers and trash and pieces of leftover art of mine. This is what Maria was trying to show me. I want to take things, it immediately seems like a bunch of things I need or have been missing but Maria tries to make me leave everything there. I end up taking only a few orange and white pieces of paper.

I am working at the cafe only it is different, more beachy, like raffael's in a way and there is an upstairs and LA LA is still working there. I am doing a lot for them and running around and maybe getting yelled at, so I end up opting on going upstairs where there is some kind of school for kids and people my age with problems and special needs. Hannah (Rob's ex ) is there. I'm not sure if I go at first to join them but they all gravitate toward me right away. I am with a few of them and then one in a white kind of straight jacket grabs me and lays me down with him on a chair but in a sweet way of being like "i like you.be my friend. take a nap."everyone in the main room is sitting in chairs in a half circle curved and faced toward the front of the room away from the door. Now I remember- I had to use the bathroom and kept trying to bring it up but didn't know where it was. When the straight jacket guy has me the flip-flop guy Mansfield from the cafe comes in and eyes us and says "yeah he's got you." Hannah is in the hall after I use the bathroom and she is nice to me then.

While being there I seem to remember something like Greice was saying they had been sent there before, as if it were a kind of punishment.

Joyce asks me to get something from a wooden shelf suspended near the ceiling of the restaurant. To get down I have to climb down a ladder and I do it the wrong way which Joyce points out. I  think I am going to      fall but then I let the ladder fall gently and land on my feet.

Tammie is sitting on the stairs blocking my way. These are different stairs, like at Devons house in a way. She is wearing a big pink fur coat and I start singing Macy Gray at her and she laughs.

When I am up the stairs finally into the attic La La pops her head out and Tammie says something and we both sing "Shes a lady, wo-o-oh she's a lady" and think its very funny.

deciding where to put the brussel sprout tree, we put it somewhere on display...

the other night after falling asleep on my parents couch, in the morning i dreamed or there was something on television talking about the whiskers and eyebrow hairs on cats and what they're used for...accuracy remains unconfirmed by parents. was called something like sebatio or simpattico

Right before I wake up I am with Max in Ricks's bathroom in Charleston. I had a brand new computer and its sitting on the blue stool from my parents house outside the shower (and I see now we're in the upstairs bathroom of my parents house). The computer is covered in water and I start getting upset and then Max comes in and I realize the computer is actually smashed on the top and then I realize the computer is actually a microwave and I don't care anymore.

Its a kind of high school scene. I am walking around-- no I've gone camping, first with Erin Leslie Uncle Andy  and Aunt Carol. First we are at a house getting ready to go. Erin seems very upbeat and so does Leslie. I have to pee in an uncomfortable way. When I am in the bathroom Aunt Carol is putting on makeup in the mirror and is half naked and a very beautiful woman. She looks like someone else. I am trying to remember what she is supposed to be like. Then we are sitting at a picnic table outside the camping house and there is a tent in the yard and I wonder if we've really camped or not that night because I've never actually been camping before (true). At the picnic table it is more like work and Beth is there or I go to meet Beth at the bar and then she is there and we get bright colored juice drinks like I got from the Carribean man at the Veggie Fest in Roxbury (real life). She is ordering food and I think the bartender looks at me weird like maybe I am going to eat her french fries. I am acutely aware that I have no money. Someone else comes to the bar and it may be Greice. 

I am working at Channel Cafe. First I am going around shops with some other people,I think Pierce is one. We are looking for alcohol. It may be New Orleans. I decide to buy a smoothie in a plastic box like you might buy a candy apple in. I check if its vegan and  it is. It is bright pink like pepto bismol. I end up having to work and Joyce sort of puts me in charge or everything behind the counter only behind the counter is different, more industrial. I decide I'll put alcohol in my smoothie drink where before I wasn't going to.

There is some kind of related but seperate flash back to highschool where some friend of mine is going and sleeping in this special teacher room and everytime she goes and Ms. Keating is in there Ms.Keating tells her she can't be in there but nothing ever happens, because, really,we think, Ms.Keating's not supposed to be in there either.

I am in Charleston with Rob and I came there a time before just for the night out of nowhere. I know because I can see pictures of myself or see myself like I would a picture, wearing a big fur coat.

Maria has taken pictures somewhere downtown in "historical" Charleston, dressed like a pilgrim with a blue dress and a bonnet on. Some are just her and then some others I am there in the background in sunglasses and my fur coat. I think I look like Elvis.

I don't know where Rob is. I am wandering around houses. I think I know there  is something going on with Maria.

sleeping on the couch at max's in austin

I call Joyce and tell her I will be at work and she says ok and is suprised sounding. Then I remember that it was ok with her if I came back on Tuesday so I text her I'll come Tuesday instead. Then I realize its only the beginning of my second week away and I don't really have to go back to work yet.

Then I am walking with Wes the stylish black man that comes into Channel Cafe, and we are talking and it is more like talking with John Cremona and everything he says I have something to say about and he says something jokingly about how I am one upping everything he says, not exactly one-upping but getting excited over more so and changing the meaning of. 

right before i wake up i am seeing movie covers and the last one has a bunch of people i know on it including  matt forman and the quote on the cover says "fun but so so dumb"  and his name is spelled wrong. he has his arms crossed andis wearing sunglasses.

I am working at Channel...I realize Tammie has deformed hands and its always been that way only I just now noticed. On the end of each arm she has a few stubby fingers. One is worse off than the other. We are getting ready for some kind of party. This was a few nights ago.

the night before last, after going to the meditation seminar with Rajshree Patel:

I am at the course. We all have our cloths and flowers and are gathered outside the church, maybe in a cemetery. Rajshree is there. There are more people than I expected. Perhaps I'm not sure if they wanted me to come. There is something she said to me I can't remember.

last night:

I see Rajshree again but she looks different and she is walking down stairs like the stairs of the apartment on cambridge street before the hess station where the young guy and the old guys hang out on the stoop...she is chanting and saying hare krishnas and other mantras out loud, some that i thought weren't supposed to be spoken.

I am at our apartment on 7 price road and Kelsey comes over with some girl friends and Travis. She has a whole group of people and some kind of plan, maybe cocaine. Travis is there at the kitchen counter, and the whole apartment is different, more  like a trailer home in my room and the kitchen. Then I take Kelsey and one of the girls through the rest of the apartment and there is a back way sort of like eves or a basement and in that part of the house its all cement and theres a huge jacuzzi bath tub and then a couch with a litter box on it and litter and cat shit on the couch. Its like I forgot that it existed. Then Taylor Cleaves is there. She is wearing a pink top and I remember her being thin looking when I expected her to seem kind of weird and bloated.

Right before I wake up I am looking through the windows of an SUV at Lindsay Bohan and Sara Silk and they are both eating long rolls of bread. Before that I am talking to Lindsay in a living room and we are with Lana del Ray. She is hanging out by the keyboard and sort of lazing around. Lindsay says she is one of the pretty girls she hangs out with and we are going to hang out with some more girls but Lana won't make decisions because she's a pretty girl. Lindsay says she hooked up with this girl Doreen who we're going to see, I asked her "more than once?" and she said yes

I am trying to get ready to go while Lana del Ray and Lindsay are outside and I look horrible to myself but not in the worst way- just the only clothes I have are preppy ill fitting high school clothes and my hair is straightened and muddy brown high school hair and I'm wearing a baseball cap and my face is fat-- I think I look like a fat Sara Silk in a way, but then she's in the car when I get outside

At the end of my dream I come out of a well. I have a seperate me who isn't me and is a young girl and then an alternate me who is a young boy learning to play the guitar. When we come out of the well the young boy who looks kind of like Ed starts playing a song on guitar and singing like he just came up with it after the journey through the well. The girl is sitting on the grass  watching him and so is Kathy Bates. Kathy Bates is a sort of mother figure. I remember her being in other dreams before. The end dream is like a movie where something supernatural-esque goes on and then they finally end up in a safe place at the end.

In the well there was a sort of arcade we had to go through.

After I wake up I go back to sleep-

I dream I'm going to work and I go to John Cremona's apartment. He has a ton of birds and different animals. His hair is longer and he seems younger and a bit more serious in a way. I am sitting there and at first we are talking and then he goes into the other room to do something. Eventually Glinda comes in in a hospitalish gown and is surprised to see me and looking for John. A nurse comes in and the apartment seems more like an office or a waiting room. I realize that I havent gone to work yet and that my lesson time isnt until 4 30. I go downstairs 

Something to do with the Channel...Joyce was there, I think I was crying and trying to talk to her. Maybe there was water or flooding and stairs and staircases. Some kind of delivery trying to get done. I overslept.

I'm going on some kind of camping river trip and I'm texting Lenny about it because I know he's going and he's texting me back that he's cool with me being there and that its not a big deal...I'm going out with Jeff Goldblum and he's a little over-concerned with me...when we get to the camp site its on a cliff over a lake or something and we are going to jump off the cliff all in a blow up raft I guess but there is a woman there who is somebody's mom and like the camp mother I guess and she is saying how we don't need to use the raft necessarily. I am immediately under the covers in this bed thing with Jeff Goldblum and we are just getting really revved up but never having sex. He leaves at some point and I'm wondering whats going on with Lenny and if anyone's noticing us under the covers on the cliff.

First it was Thanksgiving or some kind of family get together time; Uncle kenny was there and Aunt Kathy I think and my mom and Dad. We had a manatee that started out like a sponge grow-a-manatee toy if there were a real live version. We put it in the bath tub and it got to big or all the water drained or the manatee soaked up all the water. I was walking around carrying the manatee until I think we found a bigger tub, more like a pool. There was a brief scene where I saw a larger manatee jump out of the water and hit a fence and had to be handled by my Uncle and other people- I don't think this was the same manatee, more like a flashback of another manatee incident.

Then I was driving with my mother and I left my bag or something in a parking lot near where we got on the highway and I had to keep driving back and forth on the highway to find the spot where I'd pulled over and left something. I was feeling heavy and tired and fat. Either I was eating a jar of peanut butter the whole time or that swas what I was looking for. We stopped into this toy store/ convenience store and were looking at these stickers that were supposed to be babysitters and they all said Janet on them. Then we found the spot and my mom said oh, i knew where that was the whole time.

I was part of the Ramones in my dream but I'm losing my memory of it...

I am going to some kind of restaurant with my dad and mom and brother and maybe Erin. When we walk in and are waiting by the door I ask if its a religious thing and Erin I think says its something like getting to the next and next level so that you can eventually enjoy every moment. I say , "like Buddhism, like being present?" It strikes me as a kind of faddish thing. I'm not sure whether the restaurant was part of the philosophy or the building turned into a restaurant. My dad and I walked around the kitchen on the hardwood floors and you could feel the beams that made up the floor through the floor which was like wood but stretchy and giving as if it were made of vinyl.

I am in a car in Sumner Tunnel. All the cars are stopped and I am talking to someone in one of the cars next to me when Robin Williams comes walking down through the cars. He is swinging a bottle of what looks like wine but when I look closer its actually some kind of sparkling water. He is making jokes but I can't remember any of them.

Somewhere at the Cafe or with Joyce and Joyce looks on a shelf and says  "Oh whos is this?" and its my tape recorder that Jason gave me and its recording.

April 29th

Dream- I am with a group of girls I knew in highschool and we are going on some kind of trip. As we are leaving from a car garage I realize I started making cookies and forgot them in the oven. We get to a set of stairs on the trip and everyone has to do some kind of move across the stairs. Everyone who goes before me does something great and gymnastic. Then I go and sort of flip my legs over eachother at the end and the woman says something that means I shouldn't be wearing such big clothes bc my talent or being is hidden in them or something.

For a long time I am with Will and we are laying down together but we keep moving houses and its like we're on different couches in different basements. We are half sleeping half fucking everywhere we go and I can feel the side of his face on my neck and its like I can just think about how nice it would feel and it happens, nothing seems to go wrong and when I myself waking up I just go back to the dream. (I end up sleeping until 3 at Candace's house).

Then I walk into a field, which is like a clearing by a road, like maybe I'm in Norwell. And there is a very proper looking English woman and she is riding a white horse and comes into the field and starts cantering around and I wonder if she would let me ride her horse. Then the horse starts to buck and she falls off. Another horse and rider comes in but their image is muddier. Then a dark featured man rides in on a big white horse and he is riding around in what seems ind of dangerous and he rides past me and nearly hits me so I start walking toward the road and as I'm walking away he rides up beside me and manages to kiss the side of my face and arm. I pull away and walk up to the road but as I'm leaving I turn back and look at him and he has taken his helmet off and is looking toward me and he looks innocent.

I am on some weird kind of cruise with my parents and my brother at first. Then it turns to me and Rick sharing a room and having sex. And I know somewhere else that morning I had had sex with Will and then left for this cruise. We have sex a few times and every time I come back into bed he is wearing a different outfit and they are all very stylish and unexpected for Rick. It seems a bit like he's been living in Charleston since I've moved away and he's changed a lot but I'm not sure why I'm falling back into things with him. There are two small ginger children in the room who we don't address at first. At the end of the dream we ask them who they are and they say they are twins. I'm a little unsure of whether we've been having sex in front of or in the same room as them. This is after Rick and I have just had sex again and I'm hurting but know its partly because I also had sex that morning...and when we have sex this time he doesn't put a condom on or something and gets sperm on the carpet and so I've gone out to get something to clean it with and when I come back in is when we talk to the ginger children. We are sharing a cruise ship suite with at least my parents and possibly them but its unsure.


Angelina Jolie or Branwen comes over and leaves with a plastic bag and in it one of Paul's boxes of Chex cereal.

I am working at Channel and my job is to take these little boxes with a little pig inside of each of them and put them down something or smash them, something which in some way kills the little pig inside of the box and I can't do it and I have to tell Tammie that I can't do it even though I want to do what she wants me to.

the night before last staying at alex and chelseas apartment in alex's bed i dreamed about a kind of thansgiving gathering at my parents house. my aunt susan was there in the garage and she was smoking a cigarette. A whole dreadlock fell out of my hair and I realized I had even less hair than I thought I did. Alex was there.

Lighly is underwater like in a bath tub and there are little bugs like fleas starting to come out of her fur because theyve been under the water too long and are drowning.

I am coming to meet my family somewhere in the cape. I walk in to our living room in Norwell and there is a little dog in a basket. I ask her who the dog is for and pick it up and hold it. It looks like a miniature doberman/ chihuaha and I ask her if its for me and she says something but its like shes not answering the question and I think its weird she didn't tell me about the dog. I look up and I realize she's telling me she's pregnant. For some reason I know she's pregnant because there's a large lump like a tumor hanging off her wrist. Then I think she's actually showing in a real way but I'm not sure.

Then I am in the minivan trying to get to the hotel where my family is and I pull into a long gravel driveway and my brother walks out and he is smoking what looks like a cigarette and turns out to be a joint. I wonder if he is upset about Mom being pregnant. He asks me if I want one of the joints and I do but then he kind of refuses to give it to me and I am trying to find a lighter and can't find one. It seems like I have to get my stuff out of a room in the hotel. I remember driving.

Craig Finn finishes his show at the Great Scott and sort of stampedes off the stage demanding "Karaoke!" I am standing looking at him and he says something to the affect of how bad he needs a cigarette and puts one in his mouth and heads toward the door.

I am with Ricky at a restaurant. I am noticing how he's bald and how he has such a smooth manner. I am trying to remember why I am meeting him, why I want to be here or why I don't want to be here. We are sitting in a booth with red leather cushions.

I am driving around with Lindsay. First she comes over to my parents house and I'm not sure what I'm doing there but I feel like I'm supposed to be leaving. We get high. We get in the car and get high. Maybe before that I remember being in the backyard. Some kind of thing is going on in Norwell it seems like. Me and Lindsay leave and we are driving around high and I think maybe we are trying to go to New York. I think we end up driving through New York but its not much like New York and more like the weird dream New York I've seen before in Dreams. I get some kind of flat tire. I'm driving and its a small car. We get lost and we decide to go around this loop ramp instead of taking the other lane which seems like it just keeps going. Neither way has a sign saying anything. I go around the loop ramp and get a flat tire and it just melts on the car like a cartoon flat tire. We end up stopping and going downstairs into a basement which looks like the basement of the two girls I used to babysit with Taylor Cleaves on Mt. Blue street. We go in there and then Scott Kitchen comes down the stairs and we are surprised to see him and he's surprised to see us but it makes sense as if we all know what we're doing there. Lindsay has to get home and I think our high is starting to wear off.

I also dreamed about Edna getting outside and just roaming around but not really going anywhere.

The night before Valentine's Day I dreamed my Dad had bought a scooter for my Mother for Valentine's Day. Not a scooter like a moped but a scooter like a Razor scooter like Kelsey has. I checked with him to see if this had happened in real life but it hadn't.

I am working at The Channel Cafe only its not the Channel. Joyce is there and everyone else plus a ton of other people and we are all in a back room kitchen. It is all chrome silver and everyone is busy doing something. It feels like a factory or an assembly line. I realize I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing and I run around looking at everyone else and trying to remember what I am supposed to be doing.

I am with Devon inside a movie theater, seems like one I've been to before in a dream...Kinda like an Imax. She has a bag of dehydrated limes and we are eating them. They are delicious and look like mini fig-size limes. She says they cost 15 cents at Trader Joes. We check the back and they are 0 calories. I remember seeing her from the side in a baggy dress and thinking it looked the same as I looked in a baggy dress like that and thinking that I didn't think she looked fat even though the dress was too big and ballooned out around her. Then I remember feeling fatter and out of shape compared to her and Lilly I think, who we meet up with. I feel like I want to be more like them. We are all supposed to be going somewhere.

Ryan and I are at South station. He is traveling with me or we are traveling together. We are waiting for a train and he gets on the train going the wrong way. He is waving to me through the window. I have to go to work. I am thinking whether I should wait for him to go back or get on the right train going the opposite way.