janet jarva had a dream that we didn't unplug the mini christmas tree in the tv rom and woke up and came downstairs. we had unplugged it already.

12/18/16

big kind of thanksgiving party going on at my house. lots of people animals and things everywhere.

leslie is sitting at a picnic table outside by herself in the midst of the party.

she is wearing a wedding dress with her head in one hand and just kind of staring at a point in space.

i keep looking over at here from the crowd im in. my mom comes over and tells me to do something,

to pay attention to someone.

i go upstairs bc maybe i am needing to roll a joint or get a drink. i go in my room. i think its a mess.

i see little rodents. it turns out they are gerbils which my mom got for a specific reason but im not sure what that is.

there may be 11 of them.

they are sick or something is needed for them. my mom takes each of them and squirts some kind of orange fluid

in them or on them so they all have a trail of orange fluid. they are running around.

they look like stuffed animals in a way, like stuffed squirrels.

they are always sitting straight up and never walking on all fours.

this is what makes them gerbils.

i take too long in my room or something and then my mom is there, somewhere.

she is holding a sponge and angry. she is about to sponge down an orange-yellow plastic

tablecloth & she is about to cut into me about something i did or did not do.


(wake up & it turns out that my dad is in the hospital again)

amy winehouse is my best friend, shes at this party with me, some kind of family party.

we are partying and drinking. i think she is wearing a white tank top.

the party is partly outside. there is some kind of stage.

i can feel her energy & she is a comfort to me.

travis and i arguing... at some place to play a show... seems like a big high school... going into a practice room and i'm singing into the mic and the mic isn't working and i'm saying how travis doesn't care if i sound good or if anyone can hear me and he just fucks things up for me musically... and it seems like he is ignoring me and then being snarky...

and then i can notice he is turning into my brother...

and i am frantically trying to remember what songs we are going to play...

having to babysit and not knowing who i am supposed to babysit..either this asian kid with a mom who is very lax or kathy cook...my mom has bought a new house just for herself and i am in the house and there is nothing in it and one window in the dining room and i pen the window and all the other windows and the sun comes in very bright but doesn't light the whole room...

i am in my parents house in my room and kathy cook comes over and asks if i can babysit on friday for ryan and his friend and i say ok

then i accidentally go over there naked and i walk in and dan is also naked and telling ryan he looks good and ryan is a baby and they just look at me and i walk out

and then kathy cook comes out behind me and acts like everything is normal and says she is going to be going to therapy for a few hours on friday.

then in the practice room with joe mcarthy and ruby rose fox comes in and she is all upset... she eventually says "i got too aggressive" and i think i understand whats happening... i start talking about how hard it is once you start playing shows one after another and you just want to play the next show and keep going  but you have to stop... and you have all this pent up energy...

I get to the wemf radio station and it is a big municipal hall town hall type building and thee are lots of people outside and outside there are tables with lots of food on them. One table has all donuts and cakes and this thing that just looks like frosting in a cup. I take the frosting in the cup and start eating it but start to feel sick from all the sugar and realize there is some real food also. Something that looks like an eqq quiche in a long platter but looks maybe a little old and then Casey Desmond takes it and is scraping it out into the trash. Then a new egg and vegetable thing appears and I take some of that but it is divided by tortillas and I have to take several tortillas and put the on top of each other to get all the ingredients I want. There is a little kitchenettes when you go inside the building. I see cg there, coming in.

 There is some kind of goth looking girl sitting at one of the tables outside and I go and talk to he and it turns out she is a musician and needs help with something.

I go back in the building and I look. Up at the clock and its 1 o'clock and I realize I've missed the radio show I was coming to be on (at 11) and that I don't even know where the radio station is in the building.

I am in a room with Alvan. It is raining outside. It is raining outside the building and I decided it's ok that I haven't gone out. Alvan and I are in a long dark room. What are we talking about? Someone comes in. Someone comes in and sits down by the window and Alvan has them get up from where they're sitting. They leave the room. I am under a blanket. Then Travis comes in and is looking for his keys and Alvan has them and gives them to him. I become aware that I am under a blanket and naked and am wondering where is Frankas? And wondering if they can tell I am naked.

I am looking in a mirror and I have all these wrinkles I never had before,

(In real life I am naked under a blanket- is this part of waking up?)

Conscious vs. subconscious reality

(In real life I wake up at 12 and miss the wemf radio show with herb & Chris)

october 5 2016

i am some kind of japanese man and i get out of some situation like im leaving the matrix and i'm being real daring with buildings and laws... i am on a roof of this building and i kind of jump off the side and am hanging off and i am with a girl and the girl is britney spears. there is a window and i pull the window out cuz its on a hinge and slides out toward me but im hanging off the ledge and trying to swing in through the window and thinking i have to jump but knowing i might not be able to make it if i jump and i might die and realizing im dreaming and wondering if i will die even though im dreaming and not being sure and keep pushing off the building and swinging back- then i realize i can grab onto britney spears hair and pull myself in so i do.

before that go out to dinner or drinks with richard pryor but he is really half obama and mostly obama and im not quite sure what our relationship is but he gives me good advice and is very smooth.

this was the night before last.

Listening to NPR and somehow watching the younger sister from 7th heaven do a slow dance thru time where she is mostly naked and then she pulls a 'bulimic' version of herself out of somewhere and it's like a mesh sock of all her skin she shakes out and steps into

The NPR thing is with sons writer woman who wrote this and I am getting ready to return to where I just was

At the Hanover mall at some restaurant where people were getting together and alyssa Murphy was there and will was like a server or  had been there too and we finally said hi to each other

But I think frankas came over and kissed me or something was awkward and I left the mall and I looked in the mirror and my face was all puffed up and ugly looking and not my face

And I am in my room in norwell getting ready to go back there

At some highschool party with Lena Dunham abs Jenny in Lena dunhams room and drinking and I see anson and will through the window and figure anson mustave came all the way there in case I didn't have a boyfriend

Go in the kitchen and Curtis is there and gas his own table with a black tablecloth over it and kind of dark sculpture stuff like big balls all connected and all different alcohols, some kind if thing that looks like pink champagne but is lagerand he says he's leaving to go buy a bunch of coke

Christian Conway is there and jacki Maynard And a bunch of people are playing pool and I go by and Danny pye takes a picture of me and everyone

I am having trouble standing but I don't feel drunk at all

Lena is in her room and not drinking and seems concerned for me or the scenario

I am looking for will and trying not to fall because I keep slipping on stuff

may 18

Whitney Cummings has a treadmill where she attaches sensors to each of her fingers from the treadmill and she is doing a kind of bit where she has all the sensors on her fingers but she can't figure out how to turn on the treadmill

Then I am in her house and the lights are out and I am figuring out how to use the treadmill and she comes out of her room and is surprised to see me and I tell her you have to put all the sensors on and then turn the machine on and off for it to work and I say am I early because we are meeting at her house in an hour and shes says something like I like how you ask if you're early and she tries to tell us how she needs time to work on her art and stuff

may 17

Something like thanksgiving going on at my parents house but maybe it's Halloween I am going yo have my own party or go to my own party- my parents are having people over/ they come back with Kenny and Kathy and others - my mom is in the kitchen and says I'm not allowed to use the plates for one month because of how I was them ( and nothing is working out with my party plans ) and I say BITCH ASSHOLE and my dad is cooking turkey in the oven and he takes out the turkey and rubs it on me and I am screaming and saying how I hate them all and how he is only doing that because he knows it's wrong and how I love the turkey more than him because the turkey never did anything and I mean it

Fall back into it and I am in a room that is antonias room with a girl Kelsey Ellington who is her roomate but I think antonias last name is Ellington Antonia isn't there but nemo is. The girl is kind of like the girl painting the lizard down the street from blanc gallery - she us making jewelery and has all these jewelry pieces- I guess she is friends with nemo- I feel like we are in Allston- I am doing something and kicking around shoes from underneath antonias bed trying to make room- this is how I know it is her room

may 15, 16

Yesterday- I am with Jenny talking and she tells me she's worried she might be pregnant bc she had sex one time in the last month or so and I ask her with who? And she tells me FRANK and I am reeling and can't believe it and can't understand why she would think of it so casually and we go to a party and frankas is there and I am completely verclempt and having that awful conspiracy come to life feeling nauseous

Last night- going to some kind of anniversary memorial for willow gray, in thus big old church, watch mr. Gray come in and he is very tall and looking good and put together and everyone is there, Devon and my parents and the cechinis. After the service I am going to get coffee bc I know I need to bring coffee to the house after- first j get a small coffee by mistake and then a whole box of coffee and keep the small coffee and bring the big box of coffee to what I guess is supposed to be mrs cecchinis house but it's not, auntie Annie is there on the couch and there are some small dogs. I am there with Devon. Then we leave and go over to her place and lilys mother is there in her house which is different than her real house, kind of right up on the street with the door on the sidewalk

And the door opens and we see her inside - lily and Devon are on weird terms- Devon is kind of living in the attic of the house and I go up there with her to sleep with her in the bed up there- she is saying how whenever she wears this one scent everyone comes up to her...

Then me and frankas have gone to my parents house and we have a tent set up in the yard and there is a small shed in the middle of the yard with screens on the sides and monkeys in it. There are several dogs at my parents and we start kicking balls with them and then all these other dogs come over from the actons- Keith pierce is in a box setup kind of a stage but more so a box wrapped in tissue paper with his head sticking out over the top and he is singing and plating guitar- William Duddy is there too in the other corner of the back yard- I guess we are all doing creative endeavors at my parents house or trying to make money... I am trying to find my notebook to write down my dreams...there is a picnic table on the right side of my parents house, frankas comes out and yells at me that he has been waiting for me to play music in the basement (then I hear ' folks' in real life and he is trying to get me up but not mad so I get up, relieved)

 With Paige at some lux place....there is a large portrait painting of someone on the wall...couches...a pool.... Resort like

Then at my parents house and mad at my mom and back from vacation or something and have this wine that is called something that begins with a p or a c ... Something like petal or cepal ....and it is sweet and orange pink and when I pour it in the glass it moves and swirls in slow motion into the glass ... And I am thinking I should videotape it.... And it tastes just like a sweet juicy orange but lighter....delicious.... With Erik in the kitchen and my mom comes in  and starts yelling at me and he says he didn't pick moms and she's not a good one....

Then at dinner with uncle gene and Gaye..... (Before I tell me my mom to just leave me the fuck alone) then at dinne I have a bunch of bottles of the sweet orange wine so I end up gicving one to my mom dad gayle and gene but not to Erik and one other person I forget who

i am going to china. rachael hayes is there and her sister just left. there is a big apartment we get to stay in when we go to china, and we get to go there when we go on trips across the world. i guess i am going to europe, maybe paris. but i have to go to china first, like a layover, only we stay there at this apartment there.

i am in boston or new york and moving around and trying to collect all my things together. like i am in the emf building or a hotel and left all my things in different rooms and i need different things for different parts of the journey i'm about to go on and i'm trying to gather them up.

i have a little gold box that is a very important thing that i will need in china or europe but have to hide in my suitcase for part of the journey.

i get to china and i am in a car with someone, a guy i know but don't recognize and we are driving around this big square restaurant with big glass windows and rachael hayes is sitting in the restaurant and i can see her through the window and i am coming to meet her so this is good.

in some kind of weird babe-like story with my family and my brother...living on this farm or on this farm visiting...and our grandfather comes down to the lake-pond in the back of the farm and he is naked and he bathes there and somehow i see this in pictures that perhaps my brother took...

then we are with my grandmother on a porch and she was going to take us away somewhere...it turns out she ties animals and people to the front of her house to make some kind of point...

it also turns out her mother died (maybe somewhat like howard stern's mother because i was listening to howard stern latenight) and we are not sure if she is sorry that her mother died...

i keep trying to figure out the story and it seems familiar like babe or something so i'm also kind of trying to figure out which fairytale type thing we are in and i'm getting confused and frustrated...

i go into a room with an older man i dont really recognize who i guess i was in some kind of relationship with ( i a aware of frankas somewhere and this is not frankas) and he tells me that woman at the party when we first got to the farm (which i remember again in pictures) was his wife

and he tells me we can't see each other anymore and i am pretty ok with it (although he doesnt notice) and then we go for a drive

Frankas leaves me sleeping in room 04 and then two young boys come in the room. 

They are talking to each other and do not notice me past the divider.

One notices me and then they leAve the room. I think maybe I am dreaming them that they were there but realize I 'am not dreaming' when they come back in wi Frankas. I start to yell at them for being in the room and looking at Frankas but realize he has told them they can come in. He is being nice to them and asking them questions. 

I am mad he let them in there when I was sleeping and follow him when he leaves the room out to the bland entrance and throw the wood thing that holds the newspapers at him down the stairs.

We walk through some woods and a trai. Track and find this neat little dead end street with the old train track being the street, dead end on one side and on the other side a little shop. They are playing Elvis outside in one of the houses on the street and a guy walks by singing the Elvis song (this is actually later when I go back to the street) -

The first time, we go into the shop and it is a little middle eastern shop and there is a rabbit , white and black with short little ears hopping around the shop.

We go back again and are talking to a girl that works there, ,aye I am asking about getting a job, she takes me out back down the train track street and to a bug hutch where there are 5 or 6 big fluffy lop eared rabbits inside. I ask her and a mother woman who is there whether it is protocol to let the short eared rabbit live inside and keep all the lop eared ones outside. She said she doesn't really take them out of the hutch and she says yes, this is what most people do. She says the rabbits outside get better food though and some other things.

With Frankas and he puts his hair up Ina bun and he has different hair and really becomes a different person, tAller, thinner, looks slightly like Vince and like that guy who was in film school that I made out with at the party at Lindsay's cousins house in Boston we went to, with Chelsea?

I am looking at him, trying to place him. Then he takes his hair down and i realize he is Frankas again.

Walking around emf and open the door to the 2nd floor bathroom and there is a girl in there I recognize from some time before and she looks passed out but I notice she is scratching at a spot on her upper back thigh before I close the door.

I go back in room 04 and there are even more boys in there and they are all lying like sardines on the bed roll with blankets on them watching something on the projection screen. I talk to them and it turns out they are some kind of computer engineers. I ask them how old they are and they tell me they are 16.

doing coke on some kind of girls weekend in a room with jacki maynard taylor cleaves and other less specific girls. some one kind of like sinclair. joe mccarthy is there  with a few people kind of playing music. taylor cleaves has just been to some musical that i have also been to, called danny boy, and we are seeing video of her up on stage with the cast at the end of the musical...jacki maynard's shirt dress is falling off and she is saying this would be the perfect place for a yogi burlesque show where everyone has to stand up...we are in some apartment in new york....

doing coke. and the coke has glitter in it. and everyone has bags of it. i dont do it at first. both my nostrils are stuffed up. i end up taking a big chunk and just shoving it up my right nostril. someone is saying how numb their lips and nose are and i feel like my lower face is swelling up.

i am with my family around the holidays. parents, erik, uncle kenny... end up getting in a fight and going "fuck you fuck you fuck you" to everyone.

something about blue.

lindsay comes over and sleeps over and we are going christmas shopping. everyone is all in this big christmas shopping store which is also a bar/restaurant attached.

am looking through all the items and then find my parents with antonia at the bar, having beer and she is having a cider. i go over but they don't get me  anything. i am still upset with them.

last saturday

last saturday ( a week ago) - sara silk came over to emf and we were meeting up for the first time in a long time and she brought gifts for me and hugged me and was very warm...

an animal came out of the parking lot facing door of the emf building... at first startled and thinking it is a rat...it is all white...turns out it is a rabbit...and a 'domesticated' type rabbit in a way... it follows us around and when we yell "mr. rabbit" he comes or does what we tell him to do... he has one floppy ear... i want him to be real

(IRL on this day coriander comes over to emf and brings me gifts of skincare and stolen lip stain from wholefoods and we start filming our new talk show be. on. say.)

in some kind of mall...or fairground...

driving around in a car with antonia...bright sun...looking at a big stack of junk and bricks and debris...bright colors on a brick wall...like graffitti...

Will has put a picture of me and him on FAcebook and he calls me baby in it and I have blonde and pink hair, which he mentions.

I am looking through a bag of paper and collage bits and find two ten dollar bills and two five dollar bills.

Frankas thinks I am going to have Alzheimer's because I have messed with my memory. My mother asks me if he's torturing me.

I keep thinking back to the photo will put up. We are in a big banquet hall like hotel staying at this hotel, me and my whole family and getting ready to go to this big recital. Will is going to be in it. Maybe Frankas is going to be at it too. 

I am running around a big mall in the hotel putting on makeup and perfume to get ready for the show. It seems formal. I don't know what will happen or when I will run into who.

coriander and i are getting ready to go to new york. it happens very quickly. i dont have time to pack anything. and i forget my coat. i am worried it might be too cold but i just have a bunch of random stuff with me and not enough time to go through it. we are standing on the platform waiting for the train to new york. matt from dead trains is there. i guess we have some show opportunity last minute and are leaving for that. i am worried i left my coat and my pills in my coat and i dont know how long we are going to new york.

a train whistles like its coming in. coriander starts running and i follow her. we run up to another platform where we are going to catch the train and she runs on the train and i am running behind her but just as she gets on the train the door closes and the train leaves.

i am devastated. i dont know what to do. i have a phone but no one calls me.

i go up to the box office ticket window and the guy inside is mexican and seems like he doesn't speak. i ask him when the next train to new york comes and he holds up 7 fingers and i start to cry. he is smiling and then shakes his head like he is just kidding and holds up 2 fingers.

i keep waiting for the next train to come in a panic and feeling anxious.

February 1st

Me and Frankas are kind of moving into my parents house for some reason. Only my dad is there. We have all this stuff like for the photo booth but it's actually a studio setup. I set it up in the basement and my dad asks if I've done anything yet and I say no and then I remember I set the whole studio up in the basement and I tell him that and he is impressed. We are moving things in from the garage. It seems like some kind of holiday or vacation is going to happen. There are only a few beers In the garage and I open one. My dad is leaving for the gym. He says frank is drinking all his beers in a joking way. Then Frank is in the front seat of the minivan and my dad starts massaging his neck and shoulders and frank jumps up and four of the minivan. I think it was too much pressure for him. 

Something about robots figuring things out after we're gone or like we are material for robots and computers. Or the spaces in between our temporal existences are filled by computers with permanence. And robots.

January 28th and 30th

It's thanksgiving, weird thanksgiving in the woods somewhere, kind of like the table in hook with rufio and the lost boys. I have a horse that acts more like a dog. He is at the table. I feed him by hand. I have a trailer and the trailer is like a hangout and people can hang out in the trailer. Scooter boi is there. It is like a family gathering.

It changes from friend-family to my extended real family and the table and festivities are up in a tree house platform type of thing. Brandon and Christopher and Wendy and uncle Kenny are there. All the food is on one table and then the dining table is up on a raised platform in the tree.  I show up.

Will is there or not quite there and I am looking for him. I see him and he has a shaved head but it's like he can't see me. I go over to his house which is like his house but a tree house and there Is a little Christmas tree he made or something on the table which I recognize so I know it is his house. And his whole family is there for the holidays.

I am out in a muddy field then looking for a horse. Frankas is there and maybe scooter boi also. There is a horse. We find a golden retriever in the muck all covered in muck and maybe missing a leg. It looks like a muck monster. There must be some kind of muck storm going on thAt has covered up everything. In muck. It seems like the golden retriever would have died if we didn't find it.

Two days ago;

I am somewhere like a salon or some thing working for my mother and some other people and I leave to go get coffee and a few things for them--

I walk along a woodsy trail (kind of like walking through north Hampton when we went to happy jawbones house) and find a little River area and notice a baby manatee is sitting like a rock on the bank cause when he sees me he sinks back into the river.

I go to the edge of the bank and look for more animals. I start making a high pitched 'woot woot  whoop' noise at the wTers edge and dolphins and seals and manatees start to come up one by one and touch my hand with their noses and get pry and look happy and go back into the water. Then I hear something behind me. A gruff voice. I look behind me and there is a big black dog and then, for an instant - many big black dogs. Two dogs at each of my shoulders speak to me in a gruff voice and tell me not to call to the manatees or touch them. That they are diseased animals. I look back and I see the owner of the two dogs is talking to me through the dogs and it isn't really the dogs talking. I scold him for doing is to me and trying to scare me.

Go to my pa rents house with Frankas. Leslie and mike just had a baby and they come over with carol and Andy and Keith also comes over. I guess Erin already had a baby too. And this is Leslie's second baby. She doesn't look fat. The baby looks like a little tiny Maltese puppy and crawls around in the floor like one. The other baby looks like a bigger Maltese puppy. There is nothing human about them but we know they are babies. Frankas is very moody and does not really talk to anyone. My mom is kind of mad and bitchy and saying how we should act with one another and wanting me to do things for her. There is a lot of food bring prepared. I accidentally eat a piece of ham which I think is salmon and spit it out. 

Leslie tells me they are vacationing in Honda. Upstairs on my parents bed with Leslie and mike and Frankas and the puppy baby.

Then it seems like everyone left and I didn't notice or something. Leslie is gone I think. I take the Honda Civic and start driving to Honda. 

I drive way past Boston and way lady Honda I think. I finally stop somewhere and go into a restaurant and everyone is talking another language and it looks kind of Mexican Jewish, dark native people. I pee in a weird stall with a toilet that is right next to the dining tables. There is wall to wall carpeting.

I ask the girl at the cashier if I'm far from Honda and she asks me if I am rearranging or going there and says I'm not far. A map on the wall shows where I am and if I go backwards I can go to Honda. If I keep going forward I get to the United States and then to Israel.

alvan looking svelte and talking about how fit and active he is since his knee surgery...

frankas walking around with that seagrams grape drink i bought in portland for 50 cents...

trip to an amusement park with my family and uncle kenny and maybe others...all i want to do is ride horses... and we get on a caterpillar cart roller coaster kind of ride...and each stop is a different event/acivity (almost like that old game show where they get to choose taking the money or the thing in the box- each stop on the ride is like the thing in the box)

all i want to do is ride horses...and there are horses all around it seems...but we only get to ride horses for 5 minutes on the rollercoasterride, or not even.

i am in some room with frankas and this little kid, its like some retreat room from the amusement park, we are watching a movie or something.

there is a white piece of paper with a etching of a little kid on it and it looks just like the little kid we're with and i draw him onto the etching. i go to put his name. his name is Archie.

I write Archie on the paper.

There is 

Go with Travis to some other state where some friends of his are living, warm, I've never been before, maybe Florida or Mexico...

His friends all live in this house and I guess he used to live there, he gets upset at his friend mentioning something because he wants it for himself and I describe to his friend how he's mad at whatever his friend said he did because Travis thinks his friend should have done it for HIM. He looks at me some weird way and I kind f beat him up and he is being dramatic about it. 

I go out to go fishing with his friends on the dock and they are saying how they fish is called something bombs and they are talking about how where they are is more like Missouri than where it really is.

They fish by throwing apples into the water of this lake like area, some kind of channel. We are standing in the water with the dock beneath our feet and the water up to our chests at least. They throw the apples in the water and wait for the fish to bite the apples and then try to catch the fish. 

I am watching this and something brushes my leg and I look down into the water and it is a manatee! Lots of manatees in the lake and I want to go and swim with them but I'm not sure what else is in the lake so I don't do it. I am thinking of Frankas and wishing he is here, but somehow I know he is at home with my parents.

I leave heir house with Rachael Hayes and her friend to go to some show out at this bar. There. Are curvy neon sign lined streets kind of like New Orleans or something. I am talking to some dudes at the bar. I have all kinds of art supplies on me. Rachael and her friend want to leave and I take a long time putting all my art supplies together in my bag before i meet them outside. There is some bar we wanted to go to on the way back. We decide we are still going to go.

Some other scene with Frankas at my parents house or something.

i am at some strange house that is supposed to be my mom's house. she comes in in a bath robe looking like she's been crying and says she's not going. i guess she got in a fight with erik and he slit both her cheeks, just like a little knife slit like the guy does to charlie sheen in platoon, but i guess he did it with his fingernails. she says she is not going to the party.

i am with antonia. we are going to the party it is her birthday party.

there is some odd work study girl who i only kind of know also at my mothers house staying mostly with my mother i guess.

i leave and go to another country that seems almost yiddish or -stani. i am thinking i might miss the party and I'm not sure if I'm allowed in this country. i see a pet store and i go in.

in the pet store there is one gray cockateil the size of a cockatoo in a large cage. there are other large and exotic parrot birds in cages. the cocktail is advertised for $6 and $6.$12 in total i am guessing. i ask the clerk woman about it. she says cockatiels are kind of boring. this one is missing some feathers under his beak and does not move at all.

i am thinking of buying the cocktail but i see a beaded kind of wide beaded necklace array and i think i should buy it for antonia's birthday. i ask the clerk woman for it.

one piece is a long wide beaded necklace. another piece is a beaded bag. and another piece is a beaded hat. antonia will love it. it is only $6.60. the pet store is also a bar. the clerk woman is very nice and grateful for my purchases. the country is kinder to me than i expected. i am glad i have come in.

i make it back to the apartment/house and there is still time to get to antennas party. i am packing lots of bird sticker materials and clothes and hiding the present in a duffel bag. it is going to be a kind of art party. by the ocean.

(at some point it feels like antonia and her sister turn into my cousins leslie and erin and we are consoling my mom, i only remember remembering this)

my mom and the work study girl have been watching a movie. i am secretly drinking wine or something and hoping i haven't too drunk,or was that after.

the work study girl wants to go to the party and then my mom wants to see the present i got antonia. she is going to drive us to the party. i am rifling through my duffel bag to find the present to show her.

Frankas buying me all the pets at the pet store. A baby chick I put in my pocket. Accidentally kill it. 

There is a new chick.

Amy shumer singing sincere almost sappy love songs she wrote herself at a club.

night before last

i am watching fiona apple singing a song either one of her songs or a cover, she sings it differently than i've heard it before. i'm talking to her about how much i like it. first she's on stage and then she's right backstage or to the side stage, and she's doubting herself and is very real. i love how she was singing.

it is sunny and warm and we are outside. there is in air of excitement.

I guess I used to live in an apartment with jAck white's son, a young Anderson cooper, Paul fletcher and someone else... Frankas and I are moving into a new apartment with them. We will be sleeping in a loft bed. There are rabbits at least one and some kind of unheard of friendly chinchilla.

We get in the house first no are waiting for the others to show up. When jack white's son shows up he says Do you have a band still? And I say yah, do you? And he says ha. His band is called something weird like dreak house or du hops. We have to leave right as they all show up.

We are going to New York and I am packing and my mom is there. Not sure where we are.i don't do a great job. We are taking a train. I have a moped motorcycle, red and black. I am taking it o the train. Someone kind of like jack white's son but I guess not also has a motorcycle he takes on the train.

I lose my motorcycle and can't find it and think someone stole it. I am drinking beer outside the train. I am getting so upsets about the motorcycle. I got it for cheap and how could I get another one? I am distraught.

I looked behind a row of chairs at the end wall of the train car and the motorcycle is hidden behind there. Thank god. I feel bad for making such a scene.

We get to new york and go to Jonathan's. He keeps talking about how much he loves south station in new york because it goes from one side of Broadway to another street, canAl? I forget.

We go to his house and kitty and nemo zen are there. We go into a kitchen and nemo comes in with opened cat food in one. Can and piss in another. He says he doesn't know what to do with them or how to throw them away. It's gross. I mix the cat food into the piss. I'm upset that I'm even holding it.

Frankas is there in the kitchen. There is some Rexipe he keeps getting on the phone about. That we find in New York. 

We take the train back to Boston and when we get off Frankas has a bike locked up and I have the motorcycle. We ride along this empty backroad highway into Boston. It's beautiful out. There are some chimp like animals in a field to our left. Frankas throws something at them and they come up to us. Then a bus comes up behind us and slows down it doesn't see Frankas maybe. He pushes his body into the front windshield and it is stretchy and pushes in like a vinyl curtain. He does the same thing on the side.

Frankas says he recorded over someone vinyl. He thought it was a blank LP. 

I was on a family vacation with my parents and frankas was here and I was with a bunch of girls at some point and my uncle was there and there was a song that went Eleanor Eleanor and I guess we were by the Kennedy center and we were on a bus before but we got off the bus because we wanted to walk by the Kennedy center and we were following my dad and my uncle was saying how my grandmother used to work over there by the Kennedy center.... Maybe it is Washington, D.C.

It is bright sunny pale grey smelt and brick everywhere, broad historical looking streets....

We end up at a dock and there is a big banquet hall I guess on a ship attached to the dock and you can either stand out on the dock or go into the banquet hall. Frankas and my parents are there.

I go in the banquet hall and there is no food yet but some old food I guess from he last event. I take a wine glass that has some kind of salmon crab leg thing in it. A waitress comes by and sees me so I pour some water in the glass for some reason. 

She says I might not want to have that dish because there might be chicken Marseilles or something in it.

I go out by the back of the banquet hall and see some animal shapes in the water. 

It is so sunny and warm.

Wendy and Keith are over at my parents house and getting into arguments at one point Wendy says to Keith I only need you to help me read the herald...not sure what this means seems like maybe she was trying to write newspaper articles and he was helping her. I leave with them to go to their beach house or something.

At the beach house there are cats and Katie shecter and a blonde girl and another girl and I am reminded of Kennedy somehow. They are all sitting in a dark room smoking cigarettes and at some point they open tall boys.

I go upstairs and there is someone living there already and then there is repo rob who is moving In and then I guess I am also moving into this room. There are cats. I am somehow taking care of repo rob I feel or he is expecting me to and I am mad at the situation. I look under the bed and there is cat shit out of the litter box. I am freaking out.

Singing songs like for a voice recital/ voice competition from a book for Vince who is playing the piano....

Before that at a buffet I've been to before where you eat salad last In the salad room. I am only eating salad. Tubs / bins of dressing...

Walk into the room and am kind of separated from Vince by a divider...annoyed at how the songs go/ how I sound... Sing Benny and the jets And some other Elton John, then am singing Manhattan by cat power, there must be a backing track because I come in late and know because I heAr her come In first.

Someone else is coming in and setttting up before I finish.

I have got some kind of touror show together and I pick up travis in my car (and maybe we are driving to New Orleans) he doesn't know anything about what we're doing and acts dumb to everything. We stop by my parents hous and my mom comes out in the driveway, she's telling me she doesn't want me Togo she says "I never said I wanted you going to fall river."