tuesday december 29th

when i first wake up i have just nearly cartwheeled off a ledge but balance my weight juts enough to pull myself back onto the roof. i may be in paris. it is me, kelsey snyder and maybe maria. we are trying to get ourselves and our stuff t the third floor without dying but the elevator is old and unreliable and closes very fast. it keeps closing on one of us or not going up all the way and it is very easy to fall down the elevator shaft. before we thought we were stuck in the elevator but then we had gotten out before i tried to just take the elevator up anyway and almost fell off the roof.

wednesday december 23rd 2009

it is time for finals. i am with monica. i am afriad i am going to fail history. i think john hull teaches my history class or is in charge of my grade. the finals are all in hugerooms like gymnasiums. there are paper lists on the wall that have a drawing of a eye and whether or not you have to take the final. i see my name and it says something about giving me a bad look. i think that maybe this means that ive failed. i leave and dont take the final. i run into jarod charsewski. there are discount packages of cookies, maybe pepperidge farm, ginger cookies, they have a milk ingrediet. later we are starving and monica eats them and i am going to eat them even though they have a milk ingredient.

(while writing this dream i remember the dream i had once where we were in the woods, in a sleigh or something almost like the festival of lights. there were deers and horses.)

tuesday december 22nd 2009

i am at will paige and chelseas house. i find a hole in the bottom of my foot like a nail went through it. in the hole i find a millipede like worm. i shake it out and it is translucent and has lights in it. first it sqiggles around and then it blows up into a ball and flashes purple lights then goes back to a millipede and then flys off into the bathroom where i assume it goes into the toilet and is going to infect someone else. in the hole in the bottom of my foot there are what look like little tails and i assume they are millipede/ worm eggs. i shake them out. we have just finished exams or something.

dream digression- before sculpture final/ december

i dream that i make this piano thing. it is like half piano/half table and there is glass, maybe it is partly made of metal. it sits in this building like a townhouse apartment or something and floor to ceiling windows all around it. it is black red, white- the three most powerful colors. then it is suspended in the air, sort of like i am the piano-table but not really. it is on top of the buildings and i have to try to keep it from falling into the ocean (with my mind?) i lose it though and it falls int the ocean and then i am the one who is floating on top of the buildings and i have to try to keep myself from falling. there is something pulling and pushing me, like fear or gravity. i mess up and fall off the building but right then i realize i am dreaming so its ok. once i realize im dreaming i float back up to the tops of the buildings and not falling is more like a game and less like life or death.

december 17th 2009 (first night home winter break)

i am wearing some kind of strawberry detailed maroonish shirt. i feel fat. i think john says i've gotten chubby. (this morning i go to spinning with dad/ start health plan> no-dream)

dream digression- 11- 24- 09

i am with two girls, maria thinks they are cool girls, but i think they are prats-- it is like we are going to prom but we are going to a wedding- i am wearing a huge wedding dress and when i get there everyone is wearing a wedding dress, i immediately get ushered into a swarm of brides and we are going to run a marathon first, i run the marathon and break the tape and a man tells me i won, i won the whole thing and i keep asking him - really- and finally he says no, but you did ok, you can go again

dream digression october\november 2009

(nane is dying) first i am on a trip with kennedy, we go to a shack in the woods where some girls who used to be her friends are, they expect her to have drugs but she doesnt, they are all fucked up and mean to us, we decide to leave and i say i will drive, we drive away and it is beautiful, the landscape keeps changing, it is a long drive

dream digression- 11\20\09

people (chelsea, will ) come over and pet the cats, they are full of fleas, i tell maria i am skipping class, we are eating a lot of food, my mother drives me to the grocery store because i work there, she is very angry because she went away and i didnt take down her messages- i keep saying - wont they know that you were caring after your ailing mother

dream digression- 10\09

guitar playing doesnt sound like guitar-- jared charsewski has a dream log and i see it on the internet, i go to some sort of recess in the cole school gym, jared & janelle verocchis mother are teaching the kids-- mrs verocchi comes up to me and says she thinks jared is too aggressive with the children, she says- i mean, your parents wouldnt come up to you like that! (but i think they would) i try to defend jared but feel i havent done a thorough job- then i am at some sort of camp with jared & michelle granara, i say something about being gay but make sure he knows im not

dream edit- october 14th 2009

i dream drawing maxs face in profile

dream digression- 9-09

we are going to macchu picchu or mesopotamia which is a bunch of adobe villas built underground (which is neither of these i think & more like roxaboxan or pompei) there is a river or stream which runs over smooth flat rocks, the rocks are what we will use for everything, it is a mystery what happened to the people who lived here, professor farrel gives a lecture before we leave, she is the leader- maria, max, and blair, some others all go - along with some of the others i pick up rocks, say i feel like i could do anything with them- max, blair and i stand at a table underground as if we are going to make things

dream digression- 9-09

danielle brutto, james and i are having a picnic in the ocean, we kee losing the salad bowls and i keep swimming underwater to retreive them

dream digression- 9-17-09 (lock-in)

matt tells me he is going to need to use my computer, also tells me ishmael is bringing tabs of acid

dream digression- 9-17-09

i am at ginas house there is one young girl who is her daughter(ish) a horse, will graefe writes me an illustrated note (maybe it has a unicorn on it) it says i love you for right now--just kidding, i love you forever- i am in a horoscope class with preston- the teacher starts with me, going into a long explanation, preston interrupts & cuts her short in order to start talking about him, i get very angry & am extremely cruel to preston, afterward i feel bad about this

dream digression start- 9-14-09

going to sleep i am talking to alex, max, then will (gran), telling them i am dreaming and beginning to sleep which keeps making me realize they are not really there because i am dreaming (this is when i switch who i am talking to) john, paige and i are in another sort of world and we have a flying car, john says he has been told he needs to make paige eat, she wants to go eat--- right before i wake up john says nevermind- right before i wake up luke offers me nine dollars

sunday december 13th 2009

at first i am at some outdoor poetry event, justin maria and will pittman are there, justin and i are canoodling for a bit but he dissapears, will pittman leaves the field trip and seems surly, i think we are talking about who is the greatest or most talented among us, then i am somewhere like a school and am going to teach a riding lesson, the girl who i am teaching asks me to ask gina if she can ride a certain horse, i tell her to go ask her herself, it occurs to me that i still havent seen gina since the last time i ever saw her, dj comes up to me and asks if id be willing to make some money doing the stable radio show, every different facility at the school has a radio show, i want to do it but dont quite understand what im supposed to do or how to do it, somehow i see the radio shows for the stable recently which look like blog posts and are not good at all, then it turns into some kind of rockshow where i need to perform, it had been some sort of soiree but now there is some kind of vote going on about who will -erform next, and someone says it will be me and kimmi hendrix and someone else, i get very nervous that i am not going to know all the words to any of the songs and start trying to remember all of the wind cries mary in my head

friday december 12th 2009

in my dream a huge chunk of my hair falls out and i am upset at first but whoever i try to tell doesnt really notice or care so i start cutting off the rest of my hair. it wasnt the way it was supposed to happen.

DECEMBER 6TH 2009

right when i wake up me and justin yampolsky have just started kissing outside of maybank whgich is also sort of a grocery store and it iswonderful but then he turns into derek campanelli and i almost forget.

before that i had gone on some wierd trip. maybe to new york. jonathan is there in a building like the painting studio and plays me a velevt underground cover that sharon lacey has recorded and says its a big hit. i say shes a painting professor and shes right here! and she is right there and says there is some artist around the corner like i am going to get to talk to him. then jonathan starts acting really strange and embarassing in front of the artist and i have to try and get him to leave. i realize there is blood on my neck and my knee and sharon lacey examines it and tells me i have a worm. i spend the rest of the time trying to convince my family that i have a worm but no one will listen or believes me.

december 5th 2009

i see Peacock and he asks me if I turned in my independent study form at the beginning of the week. I say no i didn't and am sorry. He says something to the point of that it is ok and i will be moving my studio into the new building.

november 30th, 2009 (night before stegner app.)

i am going to some sort of school, i am late for a halloween party. the halloween party is in a room upstairs, the building is like a high school. I have forgotten to get a costume so i go to the room early and michael haga is there getting ready for the party. he is the only one there and has a pile of costumes to choose from. i choose a panda costume and then put a mask on that has a cat shaped head and a beak. i say i am a panda dressed up for halloween but later on i forget i am a panda and think i am the hamburghler who has a proper name which michael haga knows and repeats but i keep forgettiung right after i hear it. somehow i see myself later and realize i'm in a panda suit. i think maria is there. i think other people come.

november 26th 2009

first i dream of being at this fair thing where cami wants me to do some kind of performance with her and i run into chanel and she walks next to me and scratches my stomach. its uncomfortable. i see maria and she says shes coming over. i come home and she and my father are watching the i-carly movie in the tv room. i cant watch it now because theyre too far in. i see later that maria is an actor in the i-carly tv show but she tells me its been cncelled. i go to erins with my mother and am very hngry but erin says shes already eaten. she is very thin and is eating gobs of peanut butter out of the jar. she has neighbors whose house isnt seperated from the kitchen by a wall. people ride out of it on horseback. a girl who looks like a animal, maybe chloe, in the face. it is the eyes they are too close together and like an animals, comes into the kitchen and is here to walk the dogs. my mom asks carol if she can walk our dog too and carol says no, she pays for four times, the ice cream man only walks her dog, she will pay the whites to do it, the white know where to go.

november 19th 2009

matt keeps copming to my house and trying to talk to me. i am getting ready for a show sort of like kulture klash. i need to talk to shelley. matt will come over and come in the house and go get the cats and take them outside and then bring them back in. I am showering onetime and see him outside. try to hide from him. eventually we have to talk and he is sensitive and sort of obnoxious. i run into shelley and have to take my paintings down from one show to put the in the other show.

november 12th 2009

something about parker sullivan, i am with a bunch of friends and we go somewhere and he is there and he says something about what he eats, he is something like a vegan but not a vegan, i wish everyone wasn't there so we can get it on. it is possible we get it on. it is possible we have been tragically kept apart by circumstance

november 10th 2009

when i wake up i have been on the beach with my cousins leslie and erin, uncle andy, and my mom, only i remember sephie was there and willow, or perhaps mary merrit, i had just been walking with someone who was either willow, mary merrit, or jody johnson. the beach is beautiful, all bright colors, almost like the graffitti wall at kulture klash, there is a rollercoaster with the same colors in the background, there are huge shells of hermit crabs everywhere, all in the most wonderful patterns and colors. i worry ive left my camera near the shore. Before this I had been on vacation in New Hampshire with paige and we were leaving, she had just bought a pair of shoes aand we were in a shoe store and there was a pair of shoes which were almost exactly the same and she said she wished she had bought those instead. i also dream i am searching through my hair and find tiny little bright silver bugs and look them up on wikipedia and they are 'skin mites.' i am afraid i have scabes

october 27th

i am on some wierd famkily vacation, i send a lot of time in the backseat of a minivan, at one oint we ass a decreit farm where it is clear from the dogs thaqt eugune and gail are staying, although we dont see them frankie (the dog) is there and i et him from the window my father talks about how susan lives on our street and on her art of the street there is crack and someone came and bought crack from her, at one -oint i go to a restaurant which is sortof like blockbuster (i am back home sort of with my arents) i go outside onto the terrace and jum into a sea of icy water by some kind of glacier, i am watching a movie sort of like the grizzly man, i remember how my dad tells me he is watching a movie once and the movie makes it seem like this huge log breaks and rolls out but really someone had come in and already but the broken off art of the log there, so when it ha--ened, he noticed and knew they were trying to kill him he jumed out of the way matthew bowers works at the restaurant and comes and gets me from the water and says why are you out here so late

october 26th

Kennedy shows me a huge cartoonish, bright white creature tattoo she has gotten on the front and back of her left leg for leonard (although the tattoo might say will) then she tells me shes gotten a few -rocedures she shows me where shes gotten leg lastic surgery, butt imlants, breast im-lants, all sorts of things i am very upset and sad

october 24th 2009

I think I am living with Sarah Lyle and my parents. I try to sleep with Barack Obama but I soon realize he will not sleep with me even if he wanted to because it could mess stuff up for him. I regret him having become president, somehow I have played a hand in his election. Then Sarah has some boyfriend and I want her to go to the grocery store so I can tell him I love him, I am pretty sure we love each other. However somehow I end up going to the grocery store with Sarah which is in boston in the prudential center. It is the middle of winter and very cold. When I get there I forget if we have driven or not. I really don't want to take the T home.

october 21st 2009

Alex and I are with Louise, her house mom from Paris. I am hungry and Alex has candy but its not vegan and I can't eat it. Lauren Strazzula comes over, before her Jacki Maynard and Megan Kelly come over, there is some song someone has given me to sing but I have to turn the song on and then sing to it. Everyone thinks this is really funnyi Lauren Strazzula comes over and starts talking about starting a lacrosee team...I reserve to begin playing lacrosse agaian and also to quit smoking.I walk outside and Louise has just come home. She throws tons of black and orange marshmallows into the yard- She looks like Margaret Cho.

october 23rd 2009

We wished there was a movie theater in Charleston that was open all night. I was running down the stairs as the elevator door closed on my friends. I was wearing my pink sneakers which I told alex were hers because shed worn them once for a week. After that she told me she didn’t like how I wore them and that I was ruining them. I had to remind her that they were really my sneakers and it was just a joke that they were hers. Kennedy comes to a house where me and Chelsea and will and john and paige are living. We drink a lot of wine and I find out I did all sorts of things I hadn’t known id done the next day. We go to a thrift store and kennedy is stealing a dress with the hanger too. Some woman comes up behind her and takes the dress out of her bag. She is a large black woman with a pink vinyl wallet. Kennedy says her name, she knows who she is. The woman says we don’t have to steal and buys the dress. After this is when I start to think Charleston is too small and go by the movie theater, which exists but is closed,and charleston feels a lot like paris but is too small

october 16th 2009: edit

i have sex with carol ann, it is the secret step within the poetry program which no one knows about. i think about the fact that carol ann is the one teacher who has sex with students and gets away with it. it is more of a joining of conciousness, i feel good about it.

october 15th 2009 (night before arents come)

first we are going on some wierd sort of m0ountain danger adventure where you ick the levels on a train, it i me someone else and matt and i am scared and have never been wherever it is we are going before, then there is this house in the middle of nowhere, will is there and i introduce him to my friends, i think i show him something i have been doing, he want sot become an artistn and is working on transarency, he talks about what he waqnts to do but cant figure out and says i dont want you to hel me, then we are in some kind of desert on some animal tye tri, there is a monkey and then we are in the desert with a -ack of gorillas and the tour guide says how the gorilla once blew u a lot of the worlds natural resources by hugging a cannon, some of the same cannon (they are urigth) are around the desert and further into the tour eole start hitting them casually, as if laying gorilla russian roulette, then either erin fitzgibbons or rachel from alexs rogram in -aris goes u and hugs the gorilla after the tour guide is talking about their odd body language and how you have to be careful, the gorilla hugs her back though and lets go then i am at an after school rogram at the town halll and michelle granara is therre, john also works there, and at the end will and brandon walk by in swim trunks i am cleaning u and utting joints and crayons next to each other in a box michelles granara lays on the couch,eole are imressed i have the time to volunteeer here in the room me and michelles are in in the last moment there is a large ainting of a cartoon alligator

october 14th 2009

a very vivid dream, i am at bonnaroo if bonnaroo was the worlds fair, all my friends are there and the sanish stes (from italy) lead to the stage, max is drunk and we are running around trying to find eole, i am in a building at some oint and then weezer is laying and everyone tells me i am missing it-- i go out to the sanish stes to see them lay and i realize i am wearing a hoodie sweatshirt that says weezer on it, like the green self titled album, i see luke there and he uts his arm around me and says remember how that is my sweatshirt, and then i do remember and art of me realizes i love him and he is a really great guy, everyone is dancing around and having fun and it is a generally hay dream, also dave matthews band is laying before weezer and max is really really into it which surises me although the dream dave mathews doesnt sound anything like the real dave matthews and has male back u dancers wearing white suits and doing some kind of twirling cane line dance

october 12th (night of andrew bird and the eic lesbian come-on --sophia)

i am at a school in paris and im pretty sure everyone is a lesbian it is an all girls college sort type deal i am good friends with rachel hardy but eliza is there and she hates me apparently i go outside and talk to rachel hardy and when i come back inside eliza said she asked for the extra room in my flat and her friend in the other room so we will all be living together in a suite it occurs to me that eliza is a skilled manipulator and she is going to try to do some crazy shit to me-- i am only sort of worried about this,-art of me likes the idea of being hated then i am in my parents kitchen (but still at the school in paris) and maria and someone else have ordered izza and it is taking forver to get her, i realize i cant eat it and think about ordering a cheeseless pizza and then think maybe i can make it instead and then alex calls me and is trying to get me to order her a pizza even thought she already had a pizza and i ask her what she is doing and she says she is drinking with her parents and watching movies and wants to eat a lot of pizzas because shes not going out tonight and shes with her parents, i say that she should eat more regularly at night and she says i know but i havent eaten all week, edit-- i also remember a oint where chelsea and will are arguing over who i have left my leftover oatmeal to in my will or who i will leave it to

October 10th 2009

I meet a young sexy latin man and we have to slit u but i tell him to come and leave a note in the chainlink of my fence and attach it there with broken glass the next day i wake u late but see the glass there and then run into him i am wearing a towel and execting my mother to come home from vacation we start kissing and its real real great, i try not to let on how great, but clearly we are both in love by this moment- my brother is in the house and i go ustairs and my father is in his office on a conference call- for some reason the boy hides in my room he uts on two airs of shorts one is urle

October 9th 2009

it is a collection of girls i have known, lindsay bohan, kathleen, kramer, kiely turgeon, meghann cannon-- lindsay bohan and meghann cannon are the most clear we are working in this factory] store where we suosedly get aid 10 dollars an hour and are allowed to drink-- this seems cool at first but the owners end u being real assholes who boss us around and everytime i leave the aisle where i am restocking ackets of candy in order to go to the bathroom or get something to eat they yell at me in a langhuage i cant understand and laugh and lindsay tells me we have to look busy, i follow her around when i dont know what to do and eventually we are outside in a vacuum like sace and there is a big ball of eole that flooats around in the air and we have to grab on to one of the eoles limbs in order to climb on, at one oint too many of us try at once and roll off, but we eventually get on

October 7th 2009 (Tory Campbell's 22nd birthday)

AT firts i am bike riding to a little blue house at the end of a culdesac in the woods somewhere, but the street leading there is paved and has rollercoaster like hills, the house i think is alex's mom's house, first i get there and then i am bike riding again, but this time when i go over the hills i have a strange feeling as if i'm flying. it is as if i have discovered something truly unique and special, like a super power. i try to call alex and tell her about this and tell her she needs to bike down the hills, then i realize i have slept through the whole day and missed class and i am alone in my apartment in paris, but i think it is alexs apartment and i can see the builiding that will lives in from out of the window. i had thought that the builidng will lived in was the largest building in paris but it is tiny from this view, i tell alex that on the phone and they both laugh at me idiocy. she says they have been up all day and to come over. i feel sad and overwhelemed for some reason, the city seems huge and insurmountable. when i wake up i am glad to be awake and not in the dream, however i realize i have slept until 4 and missed class, and stepping outside, someone has stolen my bike.

0cotber 4th 2009

Matt and I have broken up, there is a party and he is acting really angry. I guess it is my party, it is after Nathan Durfee's show, and Anson shows up with some guys from a 'gang.' They are three black dudes in red vinyl track jackets who I've never met before. They are going to do something at the party. I go out to the top of the driveway, I am trying to get Matt and them to leave. Nathan Durfee is there in his suit from the show. We do a little dance. He is oblivious to all that is going on and is very cute. He waltzes me a little before being taken away in a car.

October 3rd 2009

I am in some weird class with Teresa Acton, my parents next door neighbor, and Shelley Smith, it is something to do with clothes and she is trying to reassure me. I think Shelley is dating Tom Quinn and they are discussing how great he is. Before this I am caught under a train and every time a car comes by I shake my feet so they see me and switch lanes or else they will run me over. I feel extremely claustrophobic. At one point there is some kind of party where entire wardrobes are being raffled off by decade (50's 60's, 70's, etc) I keep looking at my ticket numbers but the person keeps calling out first names and I realize I was supposed to write my name down but didn't and I don't win anything although seemingly everyone else does.

octobver 1st 2009

I had to go to Tony Varallo's office to turn in my paper after class, for some reason I go back there later and he is sitting outside his office door in the hallway, a printer is printing out the papers with grades on them, a paper with A+ on it is coming out of the printer as i step in. I say why are you out in the hallway? but then i notice he has his desk and everything set up out there and since he shares an office with his wife, he has been kicked out and i9s trying to pretend the hallway is his office, I feel bad for saying anything and I wonder if I got the A+.

Miscellany retreat 2009

Peacock tells me he loves me, he is obviously attracted to me, he has made a mistake by going on sabattical this semester, he seems to think John Hull now owns me or something, I say- but won't you be back next semester? Won't it be ok?

I move to Amsterdam and run into Alma and also possibly Lindsay Erickson

september 30th 2009

i am trying to write an analytical paper only it turns to cheese and beans and emilianos head floats over it and for some reason this means i need to eat the cheese and beans and with every bite emiliano analizes this action as if it were a point in the analytical essay, or as if he could taste the cheese and beans by my eating it,there is also something with paige and john but i dont really remember....i think something about him feeding her and how he could feed me to, i was very hungry when i went to sleep last night and also had to write an annotated bibliography in the morning...it was very vivid when i woke up, damn citations!

september 29th 2009

I am at Maria's house and I start playing beerpong with Matt Zaccari, only I spill all the beers off the table by accident and Matt starts yelling at me to clean it up, only I can't clean it up and I feel like everyone is sort-of yelling at me and definitely dissapointed, it seems like a big deal...later on Grant is eating peanut butter out of tupperware, I take a spoonful of it and he says oh well just eat all of it, why dont you, i can tell he really wanted that peanut butter, and feel a bit discouraged

september 13th 2009

caroline millard has bleached blonde hair cut short, max sits by me on the couch and i touch him and he moves away (max miller) luke tries to give me 9 dollars when i tell him i dont have any money. we are sort of at eye level art.

september 16th 2009

i am with barbara duvall in an upstairs class room, she is my english teacher. i tell her i havent read the book and i will fail the test, she tells me not to come to class today and it will be okay, she doesn't mind and she understands. then she starts using a camera, she is now a photographer, she shows me some pictures of her as a child, then she rubs lotion on my face ( the kind of lotion they put on pregnant peoples stomachs to do the sonagram) and takes pictures of each side of my gace as if it were a sonongram. i think she is really great and we like each other and i shouldnt have been so afraid of her. then maria/ sara silk comes into the room and we start playing dress up with all her stuff, she eventually has to kick us out or i wake up

september 15th 2009

IT IS THE DAY OF THE LOCK IN, WE ARE LOCKED IN IN THE DARK, SOMEONE IS SMOKING A BOWL OF POT oops caqps) I think maybe ishmael he passes it to me and i take a hit, a girl who is a mix between caroline who dates thomas and victoria nicastro starts but who is supposed to be hirona starts screaming and yelling about this, i tell her its ok that i have smoked a lot of pot before and i wont get wierd and be unable to hang out with her and then she thinks it is ok, after this i realize i have forgotten to bring absolutely everything, i ask if someone can bring me materials or if i can go get them but no one will help me, finally max comes and i secretly get in the car with him to get the materials, he is very drunk and the parking lot becomes an icy ocean, we nearly die continually swerving around big blocks of falling ice, we are ok however and keep driving,

then alex is with us and max miller is driving and we go someplace alex wants to go to a restaurant after, max doesnt feel well, finally we dont go and i end up at home, max is in my fathers office and he says something demeaning to me, something about how i hit on scott debus or something, he says he is not going to the restaurant and going to the lock in now, what time is it i say and he says it is 3 oclock and i have slept all day