(gma night # 2 in hospital)

i've just moved into a little apartment which is actually just a room exactly like my childhood bedroom. i live in a town which seems like a pseudo-charleston. i think about how no one will want to come over my house. then i am at a writing event in this building that has ne large table we sit at. i dont go over any writing. i get involved with terence bohan and sleep with him. either he turns into rick or i find rick later, but rick is there. he has pot and comes to my apartment. i see andrea mcgrath on a couch and she has pot and we smoke out of my chillum, which is hers in the dream. i end up moving back into the same aparment after i've moved out and i hate it, i sill something all over the bed, or the cats do.

i dreamed i had a bicycle that recorded how far i had biked. thats all i remember, although, for some reason it seemed like the bicycle was stationary.

catchup dream excerpts from the past month

in one dream i am looking at a one or two bedroom apartment in charleston and thinking how beautiful it is and how much i want to live there but then i realize i have no money and i dont know how ill pay for it and i consideer trying to rent it for one month only.

in another dream i've forgotten to lock the doors and i come home and the living room (at nane's) is completely wiped out, nothing in it at all and i realize that someone came in and stole everything and that it was all my fault. i am so scared. then andy comes and says oh well, we couldnt sell any of that stuff anyway. i am very upset with myself.

in another dream i've slept with someone, maybe anson and then i am on a bus with will or an airplane and i keep trying to talk to him and grab his sleeve but he won't talk to me.


* in other news i saw a dream interpreter on the tyra show who said that a house in dreams is supposed to represent oneself!

i show up at this sort of party type thing in a big gymnasium and i am the life of the party. a lot of dorks from highschool are there or at least kim marchand is. when i first come in anna, my manager at papagayo is having her hair dyed by someone else. she knows ive been fired and i can see that shes afraid of it being awkward so i am really nice and normal to her. then i go over to another part of the gym where there is a group of people in a circle and i start dancingn around, sort of doing the flipping card dance that maria does. there is a blonde guy in a wheely chair that looks sort of like this guy that had a crush on paige, will something and he says "jessie" and i turn and look at him, suprised he remembered my name, and he says it again. and then i wake up and realize that sonya is saying "jessie" outside my door because i have to lock her out.

in one dream i am watching the guy from modern family and he is on jimmy fallon and i am at the show or watching it. it feels like i'm there but i know its on television. he is going to perform something and he comes out in a blue body suit and then he gets totally naked and its shocking because i know that its airing live on television

i am in charleston only it is nothing like charleston. there are no houses or something. everyone is planning to leave. i have come to visit but everyone is driving to new york. john and alex and maybe will and chelsea are all planning on driving to new york. i may be moving in or out of charleston. i keep trying to find people that aren't there. i feel like they are planning this trip to new york behind my back or without me. i feel left out.

when my cell phone alarm is ringing i am dreaming that there is a kind of zapper called something like a stinger where you twirl your hair after you've gotten highlights (as if you are twirling it through a metal detector) and everytime it detects a brown streak of hair it beeps (the alarm noise) and turns the streak blonde. in the dream this had been in existance forever and i had just never realized what it was before. i was on a trip with abunch of people, john, will, animals. i thought i moved from orrs court but it turned out i hadnt but we still couldnt find my house. someone else had a house nearby, on spring street. going to my house we were told there was a car bomb and shit was going on and that we should stay out of the street. there was a black dude riding in a red suv and some other cars. something about or with anson. at my house i have th cats there and then there are three puppies in my backyard. i think they are the actons but they have followed me here. we seem to be coming back from being away a long time. at the beach someone takes my shoes and i keep asking who took my shoes. at first i think it is john. then it is will who has taken my shoes and i realize he did it because he likes me and he thought i would have to come find him in order to get them. i feel bad for ruining it.

first i am with tory and someone else, maybe sara silk or maybe thats not until after, but we are sitting at a table and i can't understand why they are so boring or why i am so bored. then i am looking at sara and she is talking about working or something and i notice she has gained weight but she seems really upbeat and happy. i think we are in marthas vineyard or something. then we have to get on a bus, i think to go to the beach. will shows up, or anson, i think anson is there and somehow we are not in sync or we are trying to find somewhere where we can be alone.

i think its chip-- its like ive moved back to charleston but my whole life's been mixed up there. everyone is from everywhere. we are trying to find booze-- wine? i end up hanging out with max- and only max? i remember thinking of course it would be always max i can depend on always. then its chip i think, maybe i own a mansion. its chip but its not supposed to be chip. i can't remember his name.

somehow i get involved with jimmy fallon. it is something like we go on a trip and he is there and i meet him and sortof tell him i am in love with him and then he is in love with me too. his mother is there. we keep walking around in a big group. jonathan might be there too. i am aware that i am supposed to be involved with someone else, maybe will. when we first get there he has a girlfriend but she is really young, like 16, and not that smart so I don't feel too bad about taking jimmy away from her. we may be at an amusement park. me and jimmy fallon are connected at the hip and never seperate from one another. we make out a lot. he thinks all the things i think are funny and he is so fun and cheerful to be around. i really think we are in love. in the morning some number calls me with a 917 area code (real life) and i think it is probably jimmy calling me and go back to sleep. at the end of the dream i have gotten my period somehow or am bleeding and i've gotten blood all over everything and i am terrified that jimmy and everyone is going to find out and am thinking how i can clean everything up. then i remind myself this couldn't possibly be real and i don't need to deal with it because its a dream. i think i woke up after that.

i dream that the end of my medication is black instead of blue.

i remember rolling joints, i think with lindsay, and they were really big and all marajuana, not tobacco. the weed all rolled together and formed one long weed-stick that looked like play-doh. then i was with jared charzewski and he had some kid with him and i think maybe i had someone with me. we took some sort of drug like oycontin or something, a strong kind of pill, and jared told the kid to relax and enjoy his high and save the rest of it for later. i'm not sure what happened with me and jared.

i am tripping shrooms at some point and someone tries to makes me drink orange juice but i don't want to...i decide orange juice and vitamin c in general are bad for me...my parents have bought a new house, they never told me they were selling our old house, and i am staying at nane's but i am supposed to be moving to another part of nane's house which is like an attached building but my mom never showed me where the entrance and locks were. i end up at my parents new house and they are really mean to me and i end up drinking a lot of red wine and getting in my car and pretending to drive to nane's but really i drive to charleston. i get to charleston and stop at a bar which in the dream is vickery's but looks more like upper deck. i go around the corner and stand in front of a table where andrea (michaels brodericks friend) is sitting talking to someone. i think the stairs are behind her but they're really in the next room. i walk over to where they really are and anson comes out of a group of people and says hey. i'm not sure if we hug. he asks me if i have been "blacking" a lot lately which means tanning and i say no and go to the bathroom. there is black makeup all over my face because i had been sobbing all the way there, so i clean myself up. me and anson walk outside and are talking. we get into a u-haul which i guess is his car. then i can see in the rearview that megan has just gotten there and is out front at vickery's. anson jumps out of the car. i already know that theyre back together. i just sit there but at some point i draw some stuff and leave something for anson on the pavement of the parking lot...then they come out together into the parking lot like they're going somewhere and megan opens the driver's door of the u-haul like she is going to get in but anson yells something and she doesn't. the whole time she doesn't even turn her head so she doesn't see me but it seems strange that she wouldn't. i run out after that and hop from stone to stone back to where my car is and i know anson is watching me leave. after that i take the car and go to the beach (there is a period where ive left something in these peoples backyard and i end up in a pond of ducks and the lady of the house comes outside). at the beach i see john and we get high but when he comes i am sort of levitating because i had read if you jump up higher and stay calm you come down slower. then when he gets there i show him how i am jumping up so high and i start floating upward only i can't control it anymore and i keep getting higher and then at some point it seems like its too high and i get scared and then something happens, i forget exactly what, but the fear goes away.

don't remember the details but...chad abushanab was there, something about poetry, chanel gordon had adult braces and was pretty insecure about it, sharon put the cat litter box in front of my door but also laughed about it....mmmm

i am in the car with chelsea. chelsea is driving. she is telling me how she heard i orgasmed immediately and i say, who told you that? and she says alex and of course i already knew it was alex. and then she says she heard i like this and i say what and i say don't listen to anything that girl says and complain how i can't tell alex anything. chelsea holds up a red vibrator instead of saying the word vibrator (how quaint) and i get mad about how alex takes things i say and twists them and then tells them to people...but then i get woken up by sharon who tells me the cat just pissed all over my grandmother's bed!! agh!

maria asks me if i want to go to see the celtics play their first playoff game, she has two tickets. i say yes and start trying to et dressed but hate everything i put on and it takes a really long time and we almost miss the bus. bus? yes. we are going to the celtics game on a bus and then it is sort of like the italy trip. we get to where the bus station sort of is and its like a whole area. there is a cold stone creamery and beth is working there. she wants me to work there too and i say no way i am not going back to coldstone but she tells her manaer or whatever that i used to work there and somehow gets me on the shift immediately. a pudgy guy asks me for something like a 'cookies and cream' which i think is sweet cream ice cream with oreos and whipped cream and fudge. so i make it for him and try to give it to him but he says its not what he ordered at all. after that i leave the cold stone (which is more like an open-air kiosk than a regular store) and start walking toward where i think the bus is. on the way i run into carol ann who is carrying a carton (like a whole carton, 20 packs) of either camel wides or camel unfilters (that dark brown orangey packaging) she says she has been craving that kind of cigarette but isnt going to smoke all of them and that i can take a pack or a half pack later if i want and not to tell anyone. i say oh oh i mean thats ok, but really i do want a pack because i have no cigarettes and i don't have any money to buy them either and i don't want to have to bum off maria. carol ann goes off into a doorway and when she comes back out all these people are carrying boes of free stuff over to long folding tables and i think maybe carol ann is holding a megaphone. people swarm the tables to get the free stuff. i remember about the nba game and try to go to find maria. carol ann knows about it too and i think maybe she is going. somehow i think i have missed the bus and garret davis pulls up in a minivan or an suv. i think he is going to take me to the bus, there are 2 or three other people in the car. i ask carol ann for a pack of cigarettes and she gives me one. i wonder if she wants to smoke cigarettes because peacock smokes and because i do. then garrett lets me in the passenger side door and i hold on to the seatbelt or something and before i close the door he starts driving. he drives around crazy as if he is trying to fling me from the car but i hold tight onto the seatbelt or whatever and finally he comes to a screeching halt. he says something along thelines of don't tell anyone about that but i can tell that this was some kind of rite of passage and that he was testing me and that he was glad i held on. i also think how easy it was to hold on and how everything is really a choice and i knew and he knew that i could just choose to hold on and if i had fell off i would have been choosing to fall off.

i win 100 dollars in an arcade playing the "jackpot" game where you have to hit the button when the light in the jackpot spot lights up. i think this solves all my money problems. alas

* i also dream i think during the same night somewhere that i am wearing this purple and black dress i have and i wear it to an event like a red carpet or on stage or something except its been laying on the floor and is all crumpled and wrinkled and out of shape and later my grandmother (who is dead) criticizes me for wearing it and says it makes me look fat and i should have known better and i totally should have. i don't know why i was wearing it but i think i was in a rush and it was the only thing.

i am on some kind of vacation with my family. we keep ending up in new places. i have a lot of animals with me or keep receiving animals. i think there is a point where there are a ton of cats or kittens, sort of like that resvervation thing katharine pelzer sent me. I think Erik is there but maybe he is younger or just seems to be younger or is in a better mood than usual. i don't remember anyone being really angry or upset or any of the animals being dead or dying which is rare.

two nights ago i saw marah funder on the street in a dream and embraced her.

last night something was happening. i saw my mom and dad and my dad was wearing a silver kimono. peacock was there at the end, he was taking me on for something and i thought things were one way when they were really another way and so i was surprised when he said he loved my work and wanted me to be something with him, i'm not sure, maybe he wanted to show our work together. other things happened. i should have gotten here earlier.

i think me and peacock embraced as well.

we are trying to go somehwere and i am riding around with different people. we keep stopping to go into stores because we need to buy things and i keep worrying i don't have enough money. but for some reason i keep buying different kinds of prepared bagels like i keep forgetting i've already bought other bagels and i have a bunch of half eaten bagels in my purse. the dream ends suddenly but i forget why, i think i eventually figured out i was dreaming because the bagel thing was getting ridiculous.

for some reason we are going on a journey overseas, even though it feels as if we have just taken an overseas journey to get to the place at which this journey begins. in order to travel, everyone on the trip must wrap themselves up in a huge blanket which is their personal boat. i think i get mine wet when i am not supposed to. it is late at night and dark and cold. danielle is on the trip and carries her boat next to mine. she is acting sort of strange and nervous and then she says i hate having my period and i know its because she has her period. i don't remember vey much about the trip other than it was very dark and cold and i don't think we were doing things the right way.

susan keeps coming over and falling down on the front doorstep. there are other people around, i think maybe we are partying. susa wants to hang out or wants me to do something for her r with her.

i walk into a dark room where people i know are watching a movie. i sit down next to will, who is there,and he puts his arm around me. when the lights go on everyone knows we are together. it feels nice.

i had a bunch of 10 minute semi lucid dreams this morning and now i can't remember them!

it is sort of like we are all going to italy but my mother is there. we are on a boat for a long time getting there. in italy my brother and i have to go on a trip with my mom one day when everyone else is just hanging out. the night before that i couldnt sleep and was watching movies in a basement and my brother was upstairs. we get on a ferry boat to go to what people keep calling naples but isnt and which we dont really know the name of. either on the boat or when we get there i see justin swilling who is also on the trip i guess but lives in his own basement apartment with his girlfriend peirlouise. somehwo i go over there and he keeps staring at me the whole way wide eyed like he does. at the house we are on the couch and we make out because no one is there. we sortof have sex for aminute. i say that we shouldnt be doing this but justin says because of certain restrictions and agreements it is really ok. then people come over and one is pierlouise. she has blond hair and is a little chubby and narcoleptic. she keeps falling down. I decide to leave because it makes me nervous and i need to catch the ferry back and i try to grab all of my stuff. there is a trunk by the couch full of shoes and i grab two pairs that look like shoes ive had but each one is broken at the heel and also a different kind of shoe. they are both black boots but one is tall and one is short. Justin walks with me. He wants to keep a little c`d with a robot/machine on it. on the ferry back there are a lot more people from the italy trip there. also my mother has been mean and cranky this whole dream and so i have tried to avoid her most of the time. at one point we are on the street looking down into a small office where a man is sitting on what looks like the ledge of another giant tv and looking into a smaller one below him. there is another guyg working in the corner. the front of the building is open and we are sitting at an outdoor table. i wonder who works here and why and for who.

i am with some group being led by a woman, i think maybe it is all girls. first we are having an art show and all my artwork comes out shitty and has the worst spot in the show and no one buys any of it. i start to feel really bad. then we are having a singing recital and i don't get any solos and all my songs suck. i'm not sure when i start crying but i do. then during the recital i am trying to sing my one part in the chorus and i've lost the pages and can't remember the words. i feel like a failure at everything and am real upset and no one else is. what a sad dream i've had!

i am sleeping at anson's and i dream he and i and megan are all hanging out in his room. it is after everything has happened but some time ha passed. we are sitting on the floor and megan is saying how she has a new boyfriend but she doesn't know if she'll ever get over anson. she is trying to flirt with him and only trying to veil it very flimsily. i am watching anson and he doen't act openly into it but i can tell he is into it. i start to wonder if they even notice that i am there. i don't or can't say anything. i try to act like i'm cool with it.

i dream that me and anson are in his bed and have just had sex and are both naked. then will comes in and and sits down and me and him have sex. i sortof forget that anson is still there and i sortof dont notice we're having sex and think maybe no one else is noticing. then afterwards i feel bad and sit down in the room and start talking to anson. will sits up and keeps falling asleep and snoring. anson says something about how he has timing like me and i say yeah like fucking retarted and i mean it affectionately but will wakes up and has just heard me talking about him and doesnt get how i meant it.

first i am at some sort of writing ommune with carol ann who is dating a guy younger than me who is also there. a bunch of other writer kids are there too and me and carol ann are friends and no one thinks its wierd that she is dating this young guy but i worry about what would happen if he broke up with her. she seems to care about him a lot in a kind of motherly way but also like she depends on him. i remember garret and the kids halfway through and wonder what happened to them. the commune is on an island off of charleston and when i am walking around i find anson there. he says he has flown into the island. i meet him by the rocks and i am glad he has come there. at some point i realize i have a child and it seems like i've just had the child but it looks like me as a toddler and has bob-length blonde hair. i keep forgetting i have the child though and later on i realize i have a child and i am 22 and i hope that maybe i wont have to take care of it anymore. the writing commune turns more into an art thing then and i think about how much i paid for the application so i think maybe its supposed to be the 3rd ward residency. john hull is there and i have a wall of space to work on. first i am trying to write a paper on picasso but i cant finish it. then i am working on the wall when maria comes in and tells me the paper is due soon. john hull is there and talks to me about the work. i ask him what a goup of paintings of cartoony looking skulls are and he says who do you think they are the only person who makes those. and i know i know who the girl is but i cant remember her name and he tells me its diana and that she hardly ever gets any work done because she is always tripping. she tripped her whole last semester.

dream 3rd night back from italy

i dream i am watching my father and his brothers as young boys on a home video tape. there is a little girl too which i think is his sister but she couldnt be that young then and maybe is another girl. i can tell who they are by their faces. uncle kenny looks just like himself. my father looks a lot like my brother. he is throwing a sort of tantrum. something has happened and he is upset about it and inconsolable. no one else is. i think this somehow helps me understand my brother. i don’t remember exactly what was happening.

dream 2nd night back from italy (order out of context)

i am on a trip with my parents. i have bought a fish and somewhere i have gotten a large bird who sits on my shoulder and also a duck. i remember ive forgotten to feed them. we drive to the hotel where we have always stayed. i have a friend with me. i think maybe it is alex. my brother is there. when we get to the hotel we pass an aquarium and i think ill get worms to feed the birds there. my father drives onto the sidewalk and down the steps. at one point he careens off a staircase and i fall out of the backseat and fall onto a step where the ledge gets steeper and i almost fall off. half my belonging land on the step behind me and i have to stradle in between to get them but i am shaking and losing my balance. i start to cry. ken and kathy are there then and ken collects my things for me and makes aq comment. everyone thinks im a wussy for crying. when we get to the hotel we go to a movie. we are here for a family reunion which is in my parents backyard on south street and all my friends are there. chanel is sitting by the old climbing tree and she beckons me over to talk to her. i say ill be there in a minute and maria and someone else sit down next to her and start singing out of tune. i go to get a drink and end up going back to the hotel. i start to feel drunk. at the hotel i am in the bathroom and anson is there. we talk about how he and my brother get alo0ng and he goes into the other room and starts talking to erik. he says i can hear in your voice how we are alike with our anger or something but its not anger and then my brother replies that its something that begins with a b. then they get in some sort of argument. i think my parents like anson. i keep checking the bird on my shoulder to see if its still alive. i still havent fed it and realize its been four days. sometimes i forget it is on my shoulder but it is always on my shoulder.

two nights ago i was with ivy and she had a bag of different rainbow colored neco wafers with cream inside of them and she offered one to me and said it was probably vegan but i knew it wasn't and ate it anyway and then kept eating them and felt i was being rude but couldn't stop. they were delicious.

i also dreamed danielle's boyfriend will was making my bed in the morning the first night they slept over.

i am with anson and then anson is replaced by ricks. we are in someones basement apartment watching movies or something. somehwo anson leaves and i am sleeping next to ricks. before that i go outside down an alley and there is a grey construction cone tottering in the alley and i know anson put it there for me. thats when he shows up but then he leaves again. i see kaitlyn mcknight on the other side of the street walking the opposite way. i dont really want to talk to her but we are the only two people on the street so i go to say something but she holds up her hand like she doesnt have time to talk or just doesnt want to talk but its not a mean thing, i think its sort of nice. anyways, she keeps walking by.

i am one of paris or nicole on the simple life

my parents are having some kind of big party at their house. the actons are over and a lot of other people. i think there are a lot of dogs. i come home to the party, i am driving a car but doing something else with my feet so i just push the brakes with my hand and i keep thinking im going to crash the car and die, for some reason i cant use my feet though. i drive around a bend into a little inlet and stop there tryin g to fix it so i can drive right. a tall skinny homeless looking black guy comes over and says i cant park there. back at the house i remember i bring in a baby rhinocerous but remember that i have a bab y elephant in the house somewhere which i like better. when i come in i tell everyone how i have found a baby elephant but i cant find the elephant in the house. i ask alex where the elephant is and i think she says it is out in the yard so i go outside and the yard has been carved out and elevated so that you cant really walk on the grass without falling through to the dirt floor underneath. i think it may be a way to grow grapes. i look everywhere for the elephant and cant find it and ask alex because she said it was out there and then she says she didnt say that she just said that it was somewhere or it was here. i wonder how the elephant will survive on its own or if its owners have found it.

me and chelsea and will all live in a big long house. there are tons of light switches and the house goes on for a long ways, im not sure if there's an upstairs. at one point i am at the barn and there are only ponies there. i think people are living there or i am going to live there. at the house jarod and his wife come by and i show them through the whole house turning on all the light switches as we go back but the house never gets very lit up. the three of us start playing a game like monkey in the middle, i think i ask them if they want to play monkey in the middle. jarod thinks monkey in the middle is some other game but we decide its because he is canadian. his wife and i become friends and they waltz out the door.

some black dude with short dreads is singing an incubus song into my face and when i look up his outfit matches the rocks.

yesterday/ last night

i am on like a rented house vacation with my family and relatives. everyone has children even the old ones all have babies and stuff. i can tell everyone is judging me for not having a baby or a boyfriend but the babies freak me out. im scared to touch them or hold them or be near them or left alone with them. everytime someone hands me a baby i end up in the ocean and the water is almost over my head and the baby is about to drown. no one really yells at me for this, they just take the babies away. uncle andy's baby shits in the water and he scoops it up like hes going to take it in as a sample. i guess there is something wrong with his baby. inside keith and wendy are there and they take out these gigantic chunks of corn on the cob out of the freezer. they are each one half of a huge corn on the cub. they put them on the table and cut of a row of kernels and when they cut it off it becomes a regular sized full corn on the cob. i eat it raw.

last night-
anson was there or i was waiting for him somewhere but we changed empty rooms or something. then i was at a table at a restaurant or bar or something and alex was sitiing across from me and i got up and i'm not sure if i made it happen but there was this robot-waitress thing and it got a cup of water and walked over to the table and dumped the water on alexs head and zipped away. it was really funny and the robot was really cool looking like the jetsons.

i am in some sort of highschool situation. maria grabs my arm as i am ducking down a hall. i had just glimpsed cliff coming out from the staircase.maria is holding a flute case. she gets his attention and says that i had wanted to talk to him about a crossword. no i dont i tell her. then he is up close and has a close shaved head and is bigger and burlier than real life. he sort of shakes my hand, his hands are huge. i start walking out and some guy starts talking to me about how he was saying something to me and peacock was saying the opposite (i say hes confused me with someone else and that that happened three years ago) and how he thinks peacock is a "shit." i try and tell him how much i disagree with him politely. i go outside to smoke a cigarette and see my brother and say erik jarva. other people outside start talking about how we are related...i think they know leslie and erin. i say my cousins are leslie and erin and they giggle.

we are in italy on the writing trip and we each have a murder mystery to solve but i'm not sure if its real or an excersize. we each have a set of suspects and victims from which to research and resolve the situation. i haven't done mine or have done it wrong. i don't really understand it. ed is sitting next to me on a plane or something and i'm pretending to sleep/ am sleeping and he touches my legs. then he is carrying me around by the legs and i am resting my hands on his shoulders. someone says that only the people who did the project right are getting called to read them or are having theirs read or something.

last three nights smushed together because i've been dreaming too much

i am on a trip with my parents, i see cliff peacock he is telling me what to do with my life, i forget what he tells me, somewhere i see the large hairy caterpillars a woman was talking about on npr the other day, i want to phone in and tell them that she wasn't mistaken, that the caterpillars really do have hair, short bristly hair. they are black and white. i am trying to find will at another point. i think i want to sleep with him. i can't find him. anson tells me he has read his horoscope in the city paper (scorpio) it advised him to giggle like a tipsy sagittarious. he sees all the same connections i thought of when i saw it. we have a good time together. we are alone. i dream i am living with nane in south boston. she is sitting at the chair nearest the porch in the kitchen. she is muttering to herself. chelsea gives me advice on something, i forget now. i see someone else, maybe bret lott.

night before last: pat and ricks house

i dream i am at ricks's parents house and my whole family is there. we have all come to see someone who is related to us in a play that they are in. not everyone can go it turns out. the house is huge and wierd. mary merrit is making a pasta salad and the first one she makes gets ash in it so she has to throw it out and make another one. i am in the kitchen and i accidentally drop a small blue bowl into the garbage disposal which is more like a wood chipper. i try to act like nothing happened but accidentally knock a girl who is holding the second pasta salad and she dumps the whole bowl over into the wood chipper and it disintegrates. it is sort of funy. then when i am in the living room i go to pull down a dvd from the ceiling and all the entertainment center stuff pulls down from the ceiling all around the room. i guess you are supposed to use a remote control to take down one thing at a time. ricks's dad comes in and fixes it. we decide we are going to leave instead of stayong for the play. it seems like no one really cares about the play. i'm not sure who was in it but it seemed like a distant cousin.

we are traveling italy by sea. we are somewhere and ancona is far away but no ships go there and you can only go by swimming. i am with another girl around my age and we are swimming. we start swimming toward acona in the middle of the night and i do not want to go. i would rather go during the day but we cant turn around. i think there is a shark. there is some kind of animal with a large fin rising out of the water. we also see dolphins.

2nd night back from spoleto, italy

i am on a trip woith my parents. i have bought a fish and somewhere i have gotten a large bird who sits on my shoulder and also a duck. i remember ive forgotten to feed them. we drive to the hotel where we have always stayed. i have a friend with me. i think maybe it is alex. my brother is there. when we get to the hotel we pass an aquarium and i think ill get worms to feed the birds there. my father drives onto the sidewalk and down the steps. at one point he careens off a staircase and i fall out of the backseat and fall onto a step where the ledge gets steeper and i almost fall off. half my belonging land on the step behind me and i have to stradle in between to get them but i am shaking and losing my balance. i start to cry. ken and kathy are there then and ken collects my things for me and makes aq comment. everyone thinks im a wussy for crying. when we get to the hotel we go to a movie. we are here for a family reunion which is in my parents backyard on south street and all my friends are there. chanel is sitting by the old climbing tree and she beckons me over to talk to her. i say ill be there in a minute and maria and someone else sit down next to her and start singing out of tune. i go to get a drink and end up going back to the hotel. i start to feel drunk. at the hotel i am in the bathroom and anson is there. we talk about how he and my brother get alo0ng and he goes into the other room and starts talking to erik. he says i can hear in your voice how we are alike with our anger or something but its not anger and then my brother replies that its something that begins with a b. then they get in some sort of argument. i think my parents like anson. i keep checking the bird on my shoulder to see if its still alive. i still havent fed it and realize its been four days. sometimes i forget it is on my shoulder but it is always on my shoulder.

i can sort of see this chart with all my grades in aq light red pencil. i squint at it and sort of try to look and try to not look at the same time. i think that one of the grades is maybe an F but it turns out its not i'm pretty sure. peacock is at a thing outside an art building. there are a bunch of graduate art students there. he is smoking a cigarette. someone starts talking about my graduation outfit and he starts asking about it. he says i hope it wasn't like a crucified bigot and i know he means maybe it looked like i was a KKK member but i told him it was more like a german toddler adult size and he laughed. later on we have to get ready for a class. john hull is gessoing canvases to paint. cliff says something about being serious and john hull says its different for him. i amcarrying three canvases that are this yellowish orange color. cliff is standing in the corner painting a large black crow with an orange background. he says meredith cant be upset by people because she outwits them and the same will be true for me. he is talking about meredeth trevino who is there somehow. outside earlier he makes fun of alex and does an impression of her.

there is a dog and when i put it on the table the colors of the table cloth change. i am in a family sort of situation in some house somewhere that reminds me of that house where there was a christening or something and a white couch and i went with my mom. later on i talk to anson's father on the phone. i forget why. he says something funny. it is a funny conversation. i'm afraid i may have accidentally hung up on him.

it is the summer and a big group of people are at someones house in charleston. it is a pool party. at first i think it is tory's house but there is a wide elevator ish cage thing with two doors one on each end where the front door of the house is which i remember was someone else's house. maybe it was katherione pelzer's. there was two things that seemed dangerous about it. one was the door thing. bryan gaynor and bobby olsen fly in from new york. they see me but i don't go up to them right away. i must be the only person they know there but they talk to everyone and i don't even go talk to them for a few hours. bryan says he only likes things that have no serious connection at all or something like that. i think maybe we go back to new york.

i am following peacock around. we are getting ready for a show or something. people my age try to talk to me and i'm embarassed. i don't want them to say hi to me but they come over. but peacock isn't awkward about it, he makes jokes sort of like will milner. we keep walking around and bumping into each other

april 20th)

we are talking about sex. i think we are trying to explain sex to maria. for some reason matt zaccari pulls out his dick and has me help him to bend it around in a circle while putting a condom on it. this is supposed to signify how gay sex is different than straight sex (?)

i dream i wake up and i've missed all my classes. i don't know what day it is. i try to ask all my friends what day it is and none of them will give me a clear answer. i'm afraid i've missed shakespeare class.

everyone knows about me and anson-ish. alex keeps telling me i should be with him or tell him how i feel.

i am at the college and the art department is getting ready for the susan b. anthony award. all the professors submit and students may also submit. i am freaking out inside because i think the due date is that night and i dont have anything and don't think i should really submit. the college is at UVA and cliff is in the rotunda. barbara has made a submission which has a blue matress quilt thing and then a lamp and a piece of paper, all the colors match, its an arrangement of objects and it looks genius. then i go to class with cliff and he hands everyone stuffed animals to make our projects with. he brings me over a bear and brushes the side of my face with his hand. when i leave and go out side john says the submissions arent due until thrusday so i think about maybe trying to make something. it is like a carnaval-ish in the street outside.

i see kennedy on the street outside bull street gourmet. she is wearing a yellow hat. she looks more like a real woman than i remember. we hug eachother. i am with anson and he makes the couch into a futon with a dark blue futon matress on top of it. a guy who i've seen before and looks drugged out and beat up sticks his head in the window and blows out smoke. anson shuts the door. later i go to an art class and the guy who really lives upstairs and is less scary comes to the class with a camera. he is a lot less scary than the other guy and i remember how i forgot that they used to be room mates but arent anymore. he takes some pictures of me and i think i leave.

i am on some wierd trip with jonathan. he is annoying me.

i go to billy arria's fathers father's wake which is at st helens which looks more like a dining hall. people grunt and make comments when the priest reads the eulogy. then i find uncle andy and he says the funnest thing he ever does is to crack eggs and let the yoke run between his fingers. i tel him i used to do that. then we have to cross a bridge in the woods which easily spills you into water. before that i am in some sort of basement with other girls and we have some sort of grouping or competition, maybe it is swim team. alma was there. there was a room of paintings we were allowed to buy for a bit cheaper if we wanted. i didnt buy one and neither did she. perhaps we were in paris. alma had tattoos on her face and they were really cute. apparently i had told her to get them. they were trees and little animals, part of the tattoo looked like whiskers. then i was with uncle andy and dropped a lot of my stuff in the water. we were also driving through southie at one point which was crazy hilly and full of bright colors. we try to cross the bridge and i try to get my belongings from the water. a group of kids crosses another bridge opposite us and epic music plays. then alma shows up and we go in the water and start swimming. we may be trying to impress someone or are supposed to be training for swimming things.

when i first fall asleep i am awake when i start to dream/ realize i'm dreaming. i feel a persons body sitting up in front of my body. in my dream i have a sketchbook and i keep drawing things in it over and over, i see peacock and also barbara and that starts informing all the drawing.

* also in this dream i see cliff's sketchbook and studio. in the sketchbook he has many little drawings with a small found object incorporated. one is some sort of mouse wearing clothes next to a matchbox and a button is glued on the page as part of a table maybe

jonathan and i are going on some sort of trip-- we have to keep convincing my parents what we are doing is necessary. it involves watching weird movies and wasting time.

first night home- mom comes in in morning/ scares shit out of me

i am talking to cliff. first i am at the studio which is more like a big warehouse. there is a girl there tryng topaint, she has a private lesson with cliff. i am getting supplies. cliff asks me if i want to go outside ( to smoke). i say yes but we dont end up smoking together. i go upstairs to my studio. i make a pink and white dog out of something like playdo. i melt a pink my little pony and pull it around. at first things look good but they start to look hideous andgrotesque. there is a painting of a womean hanging by her arms in a green dress. i notice my paintings have more depth. then cliff comes upstairs and i am too nervous to work then/ ashamed of the work. he is showing john how to stretch a canvas. he comes over and i start talking about how its going. i guess i say we. he says now who s always up here with you whispering, are you gonna say because it seems like there's aways someone up here with you. then he points at the dog and he says as long as you don't name it nina simone. it is a joke because a little black girl was once mauled by a rottweiler while crossing the street on a skateboard. i dont know why this makes sense but i get it. i laugh. there is a girl working on something to the right of us. cliff says- my sister used to give me so much shit, you know the saying kafka wasn't a very something, wel i said Capricorn wasn't a very occupied jew! he thinks this is hilarious. the girl to our right tries to make bad similar jokes. we ignore her.

before that it is the school day and john is at his parents house. i see his parents and his mom asks me all these questions, gets me a drink. she is clearly crazy or extremely out of it. i think she has had a lobotomy. i don't know what to do myself. i'm not even sure if i want to get high.

* there is another part of the dream where i am with carol ann. we are having class ut we travel around. there is a painting and it is timmy's, he's gone over it and put a bright white portrait on the right side. i bring this up to the class. maria keeps talking about how she loves the class but i think she is getting more and more pissed ff. she keeps talking to me when carol ann is speaking and it makes me nervous. then she and carol ann start going back and forth. carol ann tells her she can no longer use the term henceforth and also some other term.

later i talk about timmy's painting with cliff. i am excited about it. he says he thinks its workng. other than the pink dog he does not look at any of my work. he just asks if i'm into it if i need to be doing it.

maybe i make a pie and you make a stew

tiny little kittens are jumping on my hands and biting them.
there is a parachute or air balloon flapping in the wind.
matt and maria are asking if i think there is lice in the outhouse. the outhouse is the upstairs bathroom but it is an outhouse, goes all the way down. they say they are itchy, they have lice. i say, you mean fleas. & they say no, lice. i say you brought me into a house full of lice?
Peacock walks by outside the studio and i think my body language makes it hard for him to come talk. he comes over and says he has some appointment tomorrow and can't meet at 2. He doesn't know when he can meet, but he wants to. he seems inspired, like he needs to paint, he says he's got to focus which is why i know he needs to paint. he paints on sundays.
maria writes a poem about Peacock, how he says "I'd rather be a poet than a photographer". I try to say something but don't, I hear the poem like a strange music.

* when i can't sleep i imagine apocalyptic scenes and what kind of art would be the least destroyed. I think it is music, because the last instrument to remain is the voice and the most common knowledge in art is the melody and words to songs.

the night bfore the last post i dream i am in sort of my parents front yard/ driveway and there is a car that is trying to get 6 large palomino looking clydesdales and one dark blue clydesdale to follow the car, except they keep running back into the front yard. they are much larger than actual horses but i am not afraid of being trampled by them. i think i am sitting on a sofa. they keep doing loops and come galloping by the couch.

when i wake up i have been at gina's and thought she might be coming around the corner inside the barn but instead it was a larger woman who didn't speak english. my brother asks me what i am going to do with my life and i say i've been thinking i can do whatever i want and maybe i'll be a singer. he asks me if i've ever been to that record store in puerto rico. i am with paige and john and maybe we live in a house. i draw a dog old woman/ with a can of soda. the dog/woman is sort of exploding. i am at the actons house next door at some point, maybe this brings me to gina's. there are cows it is a different actons than the real one but feels dream-familiar.

i take a tarot card and the tarot card says that i will not move to california

sharon is there, i am staying at her housde. she has a perm and frosted hair. she goes out and somehow a bunch of people end up at the house. she has a boyfriend and comes back with him and then he dissapears. we ar in like a ranch house, split level. i'm not sure why i am staying with her. her boyfriend dissapears and she sees all the people there. she is sudden;y shy which is not like her. she says she will go and stay at her boyfriends house. i say i can ask everyone to leave. when she first comes in i am with someone else, maybe rose from marylous, who is much fatter than sharon and doesn't like what she's wearing.

i am in the studio. i have built three pieces of ice cream/ three eggs/ 3 white discs/ a hamburger sculpture which sits in a wheelbarrow/ sheet of paper sculpture. i go to the recovery room which is across the street, there is something going on at every bar tonight. i sit outside and draw on the picnic table. jarod comes in but doesn't see me. i may be wearing a mask, then. i go in after and someone (anson/ geoff) tells me i shouldn't do anything with jarod. i see jarod later and he has a milkshake from baskin robbins. he went and bought it, came back, and filled it with vodka. I know then i am there for him so i leave & go back to the studio. someone else has sculpted a huge plastic bunny. sharon lacey is up there and she is talking about how she is dating matt foreman like we both know it and its ok. she says she has a problem with a student on facebook ( dana). a man (officer) comes in and says students can only use the studio from 5-9 because the orchestra needs to practice. sharon lacey argues with him. i notice lacey is wearing a sudafed t-shirt and try to show her the sudafed packs i have in nane's old purse but i brought the wrong one. lacey says she also has things like that. lacey wants to go to the recovery room, then. she thinks she will introduce me to jarod. we go to the recovery room together.

my family lives in a barn. we are having some kind of party. i am trying to prepare for it. it might be something like a poetry party. i have been away for a long time.

night of kombucha & vodka/ tim hussey/ kenneth joint pee

kenneth is talking about my painting, maybe there is something i am thinking of taking out or i want to disassemble the painting and reassemble the painting but he says no, he says that whatever rests in the center of the painting is (always) the most important and unconsciously placed down.

also there is something about table painting and about how table painting is an old or ancient or secret art or something.

i have lice. i cant remember the rest now, maybe later.

anson and matt rabon are talking about roland. they say he draws graves all the time and plays nintendo with a wierd look in his eye. elso that him and someone else look at porn all the time.
before that alex tells me jarod charsewski dated michelle bain and i suddenly remember. jarod is a teacher at my school which is sort of like highschool. we drive around through a maze like thing in a golf cArt to get to his studio. he keeps touching me and people walk in and nearly see us. maria is there and tells me i've got to leave. ther3e is a miscellany meeting i am unprepared for and its because i was out drinking all night. maria says she went out dribnking too.

before thAT I AM IN SCOTT peeples class (which i missed today) and he is singing folk songs. we sing back and forth to each other. he says its important that everyone be in class. he's glad i'm there. i also think maybe hes sleeping.

i tell jarod i think that maybe people come into my dreams when i am in their dreams and he nods like he knows what i mean, then i say but you-- and i am embarassed.

right before i wake up i am trying to tell my father i got kidnapped. he won't listen, he is talking about how i need to shut the window in my room. before that i had tried to tell my mother on the phone butmary had answered and said it would take too long. she wanted me to sing happy birthday to sephie. the kidnapper showed up in the beginning of the dream and was someone who went to norwell high but wasnt a real person i know. his name was ari gold, he may have been in my brothers grade. me and maria left my house to go to a party and he showed up again in the front yard and the car went into the front bushes. his head was in the front window but we got away. then later i was driving down the highway or something by myself and all of a sudden he was in the car. i was never very scared of him but i told him i was going to call the police or my home phone. now that i think of it i was actually just leaving my driveway. i told him i would cALL my house and then kept trying. he didn't try to make me stop but i couldnt remember my phone number. i got rid of him by getting in an accident where we ended up in two cars. he said i'm sorry...i said for what!? for kidnapping me!? for crashing into me!? he looked guilty. somehow i got to see him telling his mom how crazy he was. she could tell he was a cleptomaniac. before that i was in some college town trying to go to an art show. john was there and chelsea i think and paige. jared spooned me for a minute at some point, i'm not sure if we had the sex. when i was first going to sleep i could wave in between. i would be talking to someone in my dream and have the sensation that i was raising my left hand to my face and then i could tell i was sleeping and feel my hands were in the same place.

my family goes on a trip to a special cove like place that is sort of like iceland or antartica, it is all white and snowy and centered around an ocean, only it isn't cold. everyone lives in little houses that are cut into the cliffs. al gore is there giving a speech about hating his wife and being upset that there is no coffee shop there. he is wearing nail polish. i am there with my parents and will and two other people with us. will is strong and picks me up a lot. he can hold me over his head. we lay down by the water for a long time. we eat dinner with my parents and they leaver and i go to get wine but the clock says its only 4 30 even though it feels very late. i go into the basement and in the refrigerator there are security cameras and i see myself on the screen, sitting in the basement. later on, i remember i have to go to check on the apartments of madame bellafont (maybe?) i think i have had to do this in dreams before. i remember she was going away and i was supposed to check the apartment. this is in paris though, and somewhere in the dream my parents and i fly to paris. i am smoking a cigarette when i gto into her apartment and i put it out on the rug. when i come back from looking around, i have burnt i white line into her rug. i cover it up with a piece of grey cloth and i hear the door open. madame belafonte comes in and is nice although i think she is usually not nice. then jarod charsewski comes in and i find out he is staying at the little icelandic cove with his wife. i look at him again and i realize he isnt wearing any clothes. a few people make jokes about this and he is pretty casual about it.

i am in carol anns class, i feel that i've missed something, maria is there

idea: dreams drawn out

hux is a grey pitbull. he chases a cat. max yells at hux. alex yells at max for yelling at hux. nathan durfee convinces me to buy a mechanical pencil. i find my bicycle keys in the back pocket of my jeans.

i dream i've overslept until 11 and missed class. i start dancing to 20s music in a hallway, tell grant the waves are different. i start wheezing because i smoke so much.

i am driving around with lindsay and jonathan. we go to barnes & nobles. i have to buy school supplies but i forget. he almost tips the car over three times then he asks me to go to california. his parents are paying and we are going only for a few hours. it is to see someone graduate or something. i am excited because ive never been to california but i have to tell my parents and be back to school by monday. waiting for the airplane me and my family sit on the sofa and have cups of water that we spit into sometimes. we watch this movie where this one guy kills the last guy by jumping on him in the ocean in the last scene. the other guy says wait i need to unbubkle my belt first and then the other guy stabs him in the neck.

i am at my parents house in massachusetts only no one will talk to me or hang out with me and i am bored and sad all the time. it seems like forever. sheesh.

friday january the 8th

i am dreaming that i have the ability to dream little edie's life. part of me believes i dream it.