I have brought my boyfriend (who I think is supposed to be Ricky) home to meet my parents. He looks like a cross between Daniel (?) Patterson (guy from the twilight movies who was on jimmy kimmel the other night) and Chip the artist from Richmond (or is it Ceasar?) Somehow I have to go see people and I end up leaving him at my house alone. We are having a barbeque or something, a family gathering. He gets along with everyone and is very comfortable. Every time I see him I just want to sit in his lap and makeout. I think he has to sort of fend me off because its innappropriate. I think in the dream he is much older than me and I should be worried about it but instead I am the one going off and acting less responsible and trying to make out with him all the time...my family does not seem to be bothered by the relationship. I think he is grilling things on the barbeque and charms everyone by making jokes and stuff. I'm pretty sure he gets along with my dad. The weather is warm. At some point I think we are in the basement.

night before last

I dream I am going to be on America's Next Top Model via no decision of my own. I am sitting in a semi-circle of girls with Tyra Banks and she starts saying names of who will be on the show (it feels like the cuts after a highschool sports team tryout). I don't know how I got here...I know I did not send in a video and have no tried out for the show so I'm not expecting to make the cut. Mine is the last name she says and she sort of just screams JESSIEEE JARVAAAAA at me. I am excited but also wary of being on the show. I realize I never really wanted to be on the show and I GET worried about what my friends will all think of me and how I am going to appear on the model program. I am a little afraid of being on television especially on ANTM and also that I will probably look fat. Somehow I know the show is going to take place in Chicago and I figure I shouldnt really turn down the opportunity and that it would be cool to go live in Chicago. My mom finds out and thinks this is a bad thing and evident of some kind of character flaw or failing on my development as a person. I want everyone to know that I did not seek out this thing, that it just happened. I think about declining to do the show but wonder if my own pride or insecurity is holding me back from taking on what could be a good opportunity. I am trying to re-think whether my need to be cooler than ANTM is really just being insecure and flippant. I am very torn and confused by this new life development...the dream is over before the show starts filming...a very strange dream, for sure.

Erik is coming home from college for a visit or something. I feel like we are on a train. It is cold outside or at least the trees look dead. Erik is talking about starting a fire. There's something that needs to be done at Cornell, I think. A certain square foot area needs to be accounted for in soome way and Erik has decided he will burn the area down liken a forest fire. My dad is hesitant about it. I start to see it as an evil plan. I get the feeling he wants people to die. It is going to be a disaster. It gets more sinister. He is set on the idea of the fire and does not listen. I think (in the dream) I understand his letter better.

I meet up with Will Milner, I think maybe outside Norwell High School. He has come to see me. He says he is giving it another shot with Capers and that things have gotten better. He seems sincere. I believe him. There is something I want to give him. I am wearing a backpack or he is and in the pocket there is the cat-head eraser ring I put on the necklace I made for Max...only I have given it to Will Milner and maybe he is trying to give it back. I ask him if he knew it was an eraser and show him how it erases.

Uncle Andy, Erik, Mom, Dad and me are all living in one house...there may be more family living there as well but I'[m not sure. Uncle Andy is living with us because he and Carol have split up...it also seems like she has died perhaps or been very cruel to Andy. Uncle Andy and Erik both feel like its a little below them to be living in the house with the rest of us and they decide to run for a position in the local election. Then everyone goes to sleep and I am the only one awake for a long time. While they are sleeping I also run for election and by the time they wake up the voting has already happened and I have been elected as an official. They are only slightly put off and I don't care because they are both very self-serving in their attitudes at this point in the dream...I think I may have ran purely to stop them from being elected and/or to show them that the public does not support their attitudes...also just to see what would happen...also because I felt they underestimated me.

Then me, my mom and Uncle Andy are driving in a car. Andy is upset about Carol- I don't know why I feel like she's died but I know they have split up and perhaps she has both the girls on her side and Uncle Andy is not allowed to see them- We are driving in a parking lot and making jokes and Andy, who is very sad, seems to cheer up a little bit...but then we see Carol and Leslie I think walking through the parking lot. I am sitting in the front seat and try to block them from Andy's view with my head but it doesn't work. Andy asks us to pull over so we do. We get out of the car and are standing on a wood-slat dock of sorts over a creek. Uncle Andy gets out of the car and starts crying. My mom disappears at this point and the car starts to slide over into the water...Uncle Andy tries to keep the car from going in and at first it is sort of funny (the parking lot seems like the parking lot outside of Leslie and Erin's highschool in Marblehead) but then Andy falls into the water. I am standing on the wood dock trying to pull him out of the water but he keeps slipping.

I dream that Ricky texts me "let me take you out tonight?" I imagine that I text him back "No. Let me take you out."

Lots of things, ok. So part of it is that I am with Mr. Bohan for some reason and he re-reads me like every card I've ever written and points out where things get sloppy. He is sort of advising me, sort of patronizing me in a way. What is Lindsay doing? I tell her about it. I am at their house which is sort of like a condo on a dark street and then I am on the dark street. Right before I wake up I am standing outside a venue or something where Will is inside and he sees me and I am self conscious because I know I have come there alone and he was not expecting me to and possibly I have traveled far...

Ok, middle dream (I think); There is a big art show in Charleston like Kulture Klash but there are more women involved, its going on during the day time, and it seems a bit classier. I am a student or at least involved in a young student-y way. I come in knowing I have some stuff in the show and am suprised by all the women and vaguely charleston people working there who come up to me...a woman says that she has never sold so much work at one time ( at this event) nor has she had as many comments as to "how brilliant" the work is. I am totally agape at the whole thing. I become an instantaneous art star...someone who seems kind of like john maccallum comes up to me delivering a message from this other guy artist (he looks like seth corts and paints a bit like tim hussey maybe and is apparently rich and famous off his art) inviting me to go on an "art tour" with him- all expenses paid with nice hotels...basically in the dream i become a rock star for painting and then afterwards I go to Lindsay's house where her Dad points out all my failures to me.

In some part of the dream I have not only the large "Jessica" inscribed overcoat sweater I found at the thrift store, but also a scarf which has my name sewn into it.

The rest of the dreams are horrible...(guilt dreams I think of the dead pet ilk) In the dreams I am taking care of Josephine without any help. First we are in the apartment in south boston, although I don't remember it seeming the same. Then something happens and we need to move out and relocate really quickly. My dad buys an apartment for us. It is one small dark room up a flight of stairs that descends from the center of the small room to where the entrance to outside is. It could not be more ill-suited to our needs or more perilous for Josephine. For some reason I am running around and have to leave her there alone. Every time I come back (or is it just one time?) she is in worse and worse condition. Its like we've been secreted away into this place and no one will help us. I come back and she is soaking wet and covered in urine and rolling around on the floor. I keep running back to the apartment hoping she hasn't fallen down the stairs...and all we have is this little room. I know my parents are involved in the dream but it seems as though they're disinterested (?)

Will is in the dream and it seems to be mostly about us getting together? Or him coming to rescue me or something like that