I am with Will and I don't know how or where I find him but we are together like we are morphing into one almost. He is sweet and innocent and loves me. We are cradling each other. I feel happy and warm. It is more love than sexual.

Someone is trying to make me do something like write something down in a workbook of sorts or go through a workbook maybe but I know its already been done or is all messed up inside. It is me and someone else. I knew before but I forget now.

I wake up and Sharon is in my grandmother's room crying and hysterical because the sheets are wet and the alarm keeps going off and I guess she lives in the apartment with us and sleeps in the other room. I realize its my fault because I didn't change the sheets when I knew they were wet and I tell her I'll take care of it and she leaves.

I am reading a letter I've kept folded up without reading from Maria saying how much shes going to miss me when I leave Charleston and I read it and try to send her a text saying how much I miss her but it all just comes out as little squares running over one another. This happens when we are walking through a sort of back field summer camp where everyone is asian and they are all playing baseball or riding bikes or skipping and are wearing baseball caps and stuff. I think maybe sara silk is there. I go over to a creek and am trying to walk on the big stones near the edge. what seems like the head asian camp counselor starts yelling at me. I am trying to jump across on a little stick thats only part in the water. Then she comes over and I think she jumps across.

Before this I think I am in an airport and we are trying to go to Jaqueline Hall's house for this party. I need to get in touch with Lindsay but we get split up at some point but this is later on a bus because she has to get off at a different stop than me but I think I am worried about her being better friends with everyone or maybe she is supposed to help out. I think we both are but don't or it seems like we are underage because at the party we have to pay a few bucks for the two leftover beeers in the fridge (but there are more unopened beers in the back).

At the airport I get out and there is this guy who walks next to me and starts talking to me. I am not in a great mood because I think I am worried about the party with Lindsay. I am wearing a long black dress that is sort of stretchy and clingy- not to the floor. He rides next to me on the escalator andd he talks the whole time. He is saying how he knows I probably think I don't want to talk to him and all that but how he would be a great person for me and stuff like that. He is odd and entertaining and I don't say anything because he just keeps talking. He is no one that I've seen or met before. We go into one part of the airport once we leave the terminal where it seems like there is a wraparound bar and all they make are different kinds of slurpees in these flat top square spinny machines. We leave there and go over to this other place which is a real bar and before I sit down he has already ordered two beers which are short guinesses and come with little chalots (i think about how whoever said that guiness isnt vegan) so i pour in the guiness and drink it and am talking to him at first and then girls i know start to come over and i end up talking to them. then sara silk comes over and she is talking to the two girls i am with who seems to be better friends with her than i am which maakes me feel strange in a way and wish i was better friends with sara still. Her neck is long and sort of veiny and i think about how she looks like a mini adult - sara or like the blonde woman in modern family in a way.

At another part Uncle Andy comes in and it is 7 am and he is banging around in the kitchen. This must have happened after I got up and gave Nane her meds because I am confused why he is upset but it seems obvious that it is at me. So I show him the log and tell him I've already given her her meds at 6 and that I got back on time last night and put her to bed. He is still very upset and my grandmother is up at the table and he gives her some milk. I ask him if he gave her her meds again because I think maybe that is why he is trying to feed her but he says no. I leave the room and when I come back in I have just heard a loud noise and it seems like hes shot through a book of piano sheet music that I had. He tells me how things are going to be around here and is apparently upset at my having fun and/or interests. He wants these things to stop he says.

*Another thing happened on the bus which made it seem sort of more like a "college bus" where before I had thought it was more of a "high school bus" because of what was happening...There was this girl on the bus and she was giving a speech on the bus because she had been chosen to and she was just sortof reciting it out the window by herself but everybody was listening and I guess this is what she was supposed to be doing. Anyway she was starting off about how she at first felt it was so important for her to be taking this medication because she really felt like she had a sharper grasp on her intellect on this medication and it helped her to be in a certain state "rhymed with humour" at which point everyone laughed and seemed to know what she was talking about but i couldn't understand what it was and then i figured out it was "tumour" and then the whole speech turned out to be her talking about recovering from her brain tumour and stuff (i'm not sure if this ever or how it did follow back to the part about medication which i was actually interested in). Anyway, I began to realize who she was and how I knew her and why she really annoyed me (because she did). She seemed sort of like Danielle's friend who I met breifly and who she lives with who used to be anorexic and is rich but in the dream I realized that she was some girl who worked at The Halsey and I figured she only got to work at The Halsey and give this speech on the bus because she had this brain tumour that didn't kill her. It was a sort of a negative way to feel I guess but there you go,

*very strange i think in dream terms that someone should say "that thing that rhymes with humour and I am the only one who can't figure it out even though I am the one having the dream...although I did eventually get it

I am dreaming to whats going on on NPR,

there is something about beach erosion. Someone in the interview on t.v. says "If it comes between me going to get my snickers and then going to the beach and the sand is too hot, then I'm just gonna get my Snickers and go"

(I remember the news piece on the sand at southie beach being "too hot")

I am at my parents house I guess which is nothing like my parents house and more like a log cabin. The living room is the same but there is an attic. At one point I see my Mom in the attic sleeping sort of face down on the floor and she has one arm over Edna and Edna is sleeping the same way. I talk to her and tell her the big special is going to be on and she sort of looks up at me and so does Edna, and then she goes back to sleep with her head on the floor and so does Edna.

Uncle Gene is there and I watch my Dad and Uncle Gene both watching the t.v. and they both have the same sort of forlorn expression on their faces.

I go to a bar that is sort of outside kind of like that place in charleston that looks like a gas station...

first i go here or i go to the olsens house- i see bobby olsen and bryan gaynor. bobby and kiley are there and bobby's mom is there so it must be their house. we are all sitting at a table having a sort of formal dinner in a way. I am trying to impress Bobby. Its almost as if I'd gone to new york in the first part of the dream but then we are at bobby's and its as if bobby has moved home and has been living in his mothers house for a long time. It seems like he doesnt have a real job and sort of relies on other people to pay for him when he goes out but he still pulls it off in a charming way. When we are at the dinner table his mom puts out this big ornate book and asks if I know of John Berryman and I say "The dreamsongs?" and then she shows me the book and it is the dreamsongs but the font and jacket are crazy ornate and i couldnt have read it before. I am sitting next to bobby and wonder if his mom and me getting along impresses him.
"

then we go out to the bar and its more like we're in new york. Paige and Meghann and Sinclair all show up and are wearing like bikinis and fur coats and hanging off things and running around, but its like I can't really be there. I am still trying to get Bobby to let on if he likes me or not and I am telling maybe Bryan or whoever I'm with how these are my friends but I don't remember talking to them. They had called me before or something but its like because of where I am I can't have fun the way that they are, even though it seems like we are in the same place.

I wake up around 5 30 in the morning to pee and I am dreaming that Alyssa Murphy is a radio personality. It suits her very well and I remind myself to remember it and tell her. I think I am phoning in to her station in the dream or I am in the booth with her and we are bantering back and forth. I guess it is sort of like the Ricky Gervais podcast show.

As I am starting to fall asleep I am thinking about the ring in the book Seabiscuit where the author or the jockey is a small boy and is watching an older jockey ride this horse around the ring. It is just the sandy ring and a greyish watercolory scene, grey blue sky, little grass, maybe trees, mostly the ring, the color of sand, the fence and the jockey on his horse going around and around. The ring is small. I guess maybe I am the little boy.

Then I am remembering the view from the window in the movie Mr. Lonely with the Michael Jackson impersonator and the Marilyn Monroe impersonator and the Charlie Chaplin/Hitler-esque impersonator. I am just looking out the window of the movie onto this lush greenery that goes on forever.

Then I am dreaming that I have just arrived somewhere. I am seeing Paige. I guess I am in Charleston but first I am with Paige and that seems different. Maybe it is New York to Charleston but it all seems like Charleston. I go to Paige's house and Chelsea is there and maybe Will.

I am with Paige or leaving and we get in a car with Rix and the driver is the Haittian guy Nobel from the T the other day. He is like the cab driver I guess. I have a small amount of pot I think but Paige says he'll have drugs and I think he rolls a joint or has a joint. We are going to Rix's trailor to see Pat. I run into the trailer when we get there and look around for Pat. Rix says something and he appears and acts very casual and cool at first and very non- Pat like. He is smoking a Marlboro Red and seems to present himself differently. Then we go outside and the trailer area sort of seems like that dog-show me and my mom went to once somewhere in New England. I tell Pat its ok I have something that he wants- either a cigarette, a lighter, or a joint but probably a joint.

I dream I am around for whitey Bulger's trial- it is sort of like being
at camp. We are all sort of hanging out in this camp-yagoog like area like we live there. I think Devon is there. We are sort of waiting around and involved with whitey. I like him but I see him act sort of evil, I think he will take a liking to me though and I will be ok. He is wearing a t shirt with little squiggly cursive repetitive writing across it in a block formation, light blue. He is i9n the passenger side of a truck wearing a sort of trucker hat and thick dark glasses.

Yesterday I dreamed of the hill with the donkey inside the pen on the
side of the road in Williamsburg right as I was starting to fall asleep...and then the picnic tables there and the smell of hotdogs and pasta salad on a plastic plate. Later on I dream we are in a dark room on couches and under blankets watching a movie or something. Then the chorus line of thye little mice in the movie Babe comes into my head and I start singing it and then my Dad is on the other sofa and he starts singing the mice part too and he does a better job than I do, but its very pleasant.

I am at something like the Kentucky Derby, I think it is an indoor arena and we are on a flat sort of plateaued section where there are dining tables. I'm here with John Maccallum's "brother" "Jimmy", John's real life brother Neil is also at the table. I have met Jimmy somehow outside of John being there and we are sort of on a date. He shows me how we are going to eat the shrimp with oatmeal. We are all going to have shrimp iin a bowl with either oatmeal or something richer and milkier. This is a big part of the event we are at. This seems to be a rich person kind of event. Alex Wilson is there. People seem to be just roaming around the stadium going from section to section. When John arrives he comes to the table and sees me sitting next to Jimmy and makes that half-suprised/ dissaproving face and sits down across from us. I guess maybe we are in New York. Jimmy seems very smooth and manipulative. I'm not sure why/if/how much I am into him.

At some other time I think Ricky is with me and we are going around moving or around south boston.

When I'm in the stadium there are a few people working there as waiters and servers and I know some of them. They are mostly kids around my age. There is one guy who is black and seems familiar but I can't quite place him. He seems like someone else. I think I am trying to smoke a joint or roll a joint inside the stadium and for some reason I'm doing it semi in secret away from the table. I go into the bathroom or something and come out with the joint and am trying to smoke it by the balcony but its loose and falling apart. One of the waiter people asks me for a hit and I am suprised he knows it is a joint. I remember talking to Alex Wilson and he was wearing suspenders.

When I leave the stadium I see the black guy waiter person and for some reason I don't remember that I know him and then he comes up to me and starts talking to me and I remember who he is. I think maybe I am smoking a joint then and he asks for a hit and I know that he knows its a joint because he doesn't smoke tobacco...He starts talking about how he fucked Cindy something in a little alley right near us (maybe he reminds me of Anson?) He talks about how he wants to fuck every girl he can because its sort of like tagging them and then you have that connection and either they'll help you later on or they won't but either way you fucked them so you own them a little bit and its like growing your wealth in a way, and I say I think there are some women who probably think like that too. His ideas about this are pretty offensive I guess but he is pleasant and mild and isn't trying to sleep with me so we just sort of sit there and talk and its nice. We are on a block of cement steps with hand rails in the middle of an empty parking lot and the street right in front of us is pretty deserted and looks sort of like Roxaboxen and then to the right there is what looks like the end of King street or King and Spring maybe but theres no one on the street and no one else comes out of the stadium.

My mom comes into the scene then and I think the waiter guy comes with us and some other people and we all go to Cole School with my Mom who I guess works there. I am struck by how it smells exactly the same and how I remember the smell. The walls are all salmony-pink and I am smelling them. I really need to use a bathroom and I start going from room to room looking for one. In lots of the rooms there are toilets cemented to the floors in the middle of the rooms but somehow I know or decide these aren't usable even though they are toilets. My mom is scooting around the rooms on what looks like and empty roll of masking tape. She puts one foot on the masking tape and then there is a long handle that comes up and she pushes off with her other foot and I guess this is what she does while she is working. She takes me to the bathroom which is dark like all the rooms because the school is closed. There are three little toilets all with a little piece of toilet paper in them.

When I wake up I realize I really have to pee.