we are traveling italy by sea. we are somewhere and ancona is far away but no ships go there and you can only go by swimming. i am with another girl around my age and we are swimming. we start swimming toward acona in the middle of the night and i do not want to go. i would rather go during the day but we cant turn around. i think there is a shark. there is some kind of animal with a large fin rising out of the water. we also see dolphins.

2nd night back from spoleto, italy

i am on a trip woith my parents. i have bought a fish and somewhere i have gotten a large bird who sits on my shoulder and also a duck. i remember ive forgotten to feed them. we drive to the hotel where we have always stayed. i have a friend with me. i think maybe it is alex. my brother is there. when we get to the hotel we pass an aquarium and i think ill get worms to feed the birds there. my father drives onto the sidewalk and down the steps. at one point he careens off a staircase and i fall out of the backseat and fall onto a step where the ledge gets steeper and i almost fall off. half my belonging land on the step behind me and i have to stradle in between to get them but i am shaking and losing my balance. i start to cry. ken and kathy are there then and ken collects my things for me and makes aq comment. everyone thinks im a wussy for crying. when we get to the hotel we go to a movie. we are here for a family reunion which is in my parents backyard on south street and all my friends are there. chanel is sitting by the old climbing tree and she beckons me over to talk to her. i say ill be there in a minute and maria and someone else sit down next to her and start singing out of tune. i go to get a drink and end up going back to the hotel. i start to feel drunk. at the hotel i am in the bathroom and anson is there. we talk about how he and my brother get alo0ng and he goes into the other room and starts talking to erik. he says i can hear in your voice how we are alike with our anger or something but its not anger and then my brother replies that its something that begins with a b. then they get in some sort of argument. i think my parents like anson. i keep checking the bird on my shoulder to see if its still alive. i still havent fed it and realize its been four days. sometimes i forget it is on my shoulder but it is always on my shoulder.

i can sort of see this chart with all my grades in aq light red pencil. i squint at it and sort of try to look and try to not look at the same time. i think that one of the grades is maybe an F but it turns out its not i'm pretty sure. peacock is at a thing outside an art building. there are a bunch of graduate art students there. he is smoking a cigarette. someone starts talking about my graduation outfit and he starts asking about it. he says i hope it wasn't like a crucified bigot and i know he means maybe it looked like i was a KKK member but i told him it was more like a german toddler adult size and he laughed. later on we have to get ready for a class. john hull is gessoing canvases to paint. cliff says something about being serious and john hull says its different for him. i amcarrying three canvases that are this yellowish orange color. cliff is standing in the corner painting a large black crow with an orange background. he says meredith cant be upset by people because she outwits them and the same will be true for me. he is talking about meredeth trevino who is there somehow. outside earlier he makes fun of alex and does an impression of her.

there is a dog and when i put it on the table the colors of the table cloth change. i am in a family sort of situation in some house somewhere that reminds me of that house where there was a christening or something and a white couch and i went with my mom. later on i talk to anson's father on the phone. i forget why. he says something funny. it is a funny conversation. i'm afraid i may have accidentally hung up on him.

it is the summer and a big group of people are at someones house in charleston. it is a pool party. at first i think it is tory's house but there is a wide elevator ish cage thing with two doors one on each end where the front door of the house is which i remember was someone else's house. maybe it was katherione pelzer's. there was two things that seemed dangerous about it. one was the door thing. bryan gaynor and bobby olsen fly in from new york. they see me but i don't go up to them right away. i must be the only person they know there but they talk to everyone and i don't even go talk to them for a few hours. bryan says he only likes things that have no serious connection at all or something like that. i think maybe we go back to new york.

i am following peacock around. we are getting ready for a show or something. people my age try to talk to me and i'm embarassed. i don't want them to say hi to me but they come over. but peacock isn't awkward about it, he makes jokes sort of like will milner. we keep walking around and bumping into each other

april 20th)

we are talking about sex. i think we are trying to explain sex to maria. for some reason matt zaccari pulls out his dick and has me help him to bend it around in a circle while putting a condom on it. this is supposed to signify how gay sex is different than straight sex (?)